Brief history. Classic story, married 20 years, 2 kids, WH has an A with someone at work, thinks she is his soulmate. We tried plan A for 5 months, things seemed to be getting better, then he drops the bomb of re-establishing contact. I was clueless again!

Move to plan B as of last Sunday, have an intermediary that he is getting tired of. So tonight he comes in the house when picking up the kids. I tell him he isn't supposed to be in here. We briefly discuss the kids schedule. He is sitting on fence at moment.

Our last MC meeting was last monday after he dropped the bomb of breaking NC. He presented 2 letters one to me and one to her. Mine said he wanted to come back etc. Hers said he was done. Then he says I am not ready to give her the letter yet. WTF? I hand him my plan B letter. The MC tells him to get his sh** together and he is a F-up. I really enjoyed that <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Then I find out he has moved his office, which I had asked him to do in plan A since she works on the same floor. BTW she is divorcing her husband of 14 years with 2 little children. She would walk by his office 2-3 a day, get water at the cooler right outside his office. I was like close your door....he says I don't want people to wonder. I was stupid to by it. Well the crack opens when she needed him since her grandmother died. Give me a break!

Then I find out he is taking off this week to stay away from office. I don't know what to think.

Anyhow I was totalling into my mantra let it go, let it go....then his voice killed me. Now I know why plan B is so important.

I will tell my intermediary for him to still have NC with me until the requirements are met. I can't stand this maybe stuff.

Help,

KAG, if you want this to work, you have to MAKE SURE no contact takes place and change the locks since he won' respect your request for nc.

Did you send him a proper Plan B letter outlining his path back, which would have to include LEAVING HIS JOB?

Plan B = no more! No more hearing his voice, seeing his face or any part of him for that matter, his written word - NOTHING, until he meets the requirements you've outlined in your PBL.

It's HARD - but very peaceful once you get over the withdrawal (there WILL BE withdrawal!) Letting him in, even thru just a note or voicemail or anything, will knock you back the strides you've made while dark. So you must fend off all attempts.

Are you ready?

Did it to me again, came in when he dropped off the boys. Sent a second letter tonight thru my intermediary saying please respect my original letter of no contact. I didn't want to cause a seen in front of boys.

I restated that I would be willing to talk when he left his office or job and commited to a plan of recovery. And of course commited to NC with the OW and implemented a plan that would assure that.

Do they continue to jerk you around like this....he says he moved his office and is taking the week off to stay away. I WAS starting to move down the road through withdrawal and then he had to stand there in my office just looking at me.

K

PS also feels like why would he come back. He picks up the boys has a good time and I am left with all the responsibilities of caring for them. I homeschool them both as well. Plus the youngest has MANY extra appointments for his medical and special needs. My whole life is running them around. I would love to come and go and get the best of them without the responsibility...I think plan B may be the best thing he ever got. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

change the locks!

...and change the location for drop off/pick up. Can your IM do the exchanges for you? My kids are 11 & 8, so they can get themselves from the curb to the door. And if H tries to come in, as he did once, they tell him "you can't come in". It's hard, but it can be done.

I know what you mean about him getting all the fun - I've felt that way some times too, that H is a novelty. But my kids know the TRUTH - the exact reason WHY Daddy is only around a few times a week. And it bothers them, and they tell him this. So while you're definitely shouldering more of the work right now, I can assure you it's not ALL fun & games on his end.

Stay strong. Change the locks now, and get your drop off/pick ups somewhere neutral or remove yourself completely. And think of anything else NOW, so you're not sending new notes every week, thus breaking your own Plan B.

Julie,

Thanks...My IM is my cousin and she lives an hour away. We are planning a schedule so it should be easier to change drop off/pick up or not be here. This is so new that the times are unexpected and I don't have a plan!

My youngest, the one with the special needs who actually is remarkably intuitive, said to him if you aren't getting along why don't you get a divorce? Then said well I suppose that would be hard to. Kids are amazing. He also begged him to stay over tonight(Hope that hurt the WH)

I am debating as time goes on to be more explicit in why dad isn't home. A friend of mine said they always thought her mom thru her dad out, never knowing the real reason of an A. So she looked like the bad guy.

He sees the boys this weekend so I need to be gone or have some plan!!!

We are all going to FL for some sunshine, I live in NE which has been miserable adding to my misery. He is mad that I am taking them away. Well he created this mess. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for listening,

K

K, in Plan B, he should not come in the house. The kids should be sent out to meet him and then he should drop them off. He should be able to experience what it will be like divorced. The bad thing about this recent contact is that it looks like you are not really serious, which diminshes your leverage. It is a good idea to get all this worked out BEFOREHAND, ie: tell him in your letter to pick up the kids in the driveway, etc.

So, since plan B has already been broken, it will be doubly important to be vigilant and not let him do it again. As a typical WS, he will TEST your limits in EVERY WAY. Be prepared for him to do every thing to maintain contact with you.

He did it to me again...saw my car and had to give me my son's bag in person rather than leave it on porch as requested. What do I do yell at him? I have sent another letter requesting he have no contact with me. He continues to balk at the IM and that I am hurting the kids by not having him involved in their daily schedules! I told him thru the IM that by choosing an A he opted out of being involved in their daily activities.

Should I go for legal seperation to get it through his thick head?

Supposedly he is staying with a friend and not at her house while he figures out what he wants, he has been on the fence for 6 months now.

He has been telling the kids we haven't been communicating well so that is why we are apart and divorce would be the last option. I told my youngest, since he is the most perceptive and was pressing me that H is behaving in away that is not ok and needs to be away from me.

I am ready for the D now....does anyone get this frustrated when the idea is to restore the marriage?
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />
K

No don't yell at him, yes take yourself out of the drama, and YES others (me) do get this frustrated too! Stop sending onesie/twosie letters, it's participation at this point!

Last time I knew H was approaching the house, I quickly went upstairs while the kids dealt w/him/sent him along. I haven't physically seen my H in more than a month & I know it's making him squirm and as long as I don't get sucked in (like I did when I read his letter Saturday) I'm NOT squirming!

You're not ready for D, you're just irritated. When he whines, ignore - and make sure he's not ABLE to whine TO you. When he shows up, go in the bathroom. Get your drop-off & pick-up arranged, can a neighbor help? Someone more local?

Ok, next time I will put myself in the bathroom and lock the door! You are right about the letters. We are still trying to work out a visitation schedule that he is being a pain about. We are working through my IM, this is new for both of us. What if he doesn't agree to what I want in visitation? He wants a lot so it can seem like he is still part of daily life.

I want to burn his stuff that is still here!

Wondering if I need legal papers to lay out visitation. How can I prevent him legally from entering house...it is his also? What if he pursues me up to locked bathroom? I can't seem to get enough time between visits to calm down.

No, you don't need legal papers for visitation - if he wants legal documentation, let HIM get it. Right now you & your kids are going to move on w/your life. Here's a shocker: my H didn't like my visitation schedule either - TOO BAD! I don't like that I've got a vacation home (apartment) that I paid for w/o my consent! I don't like that he's chosen his "life as is" over us! I don't like that he's living like a teenager while we scramble to make it thru the day! Each time my H objected, I said, "this is what we're going to do for now" and I quickly got off the phone. So, get it on paper, and that's that.

Here's my PBL. Granted, my H's OW is beer. There is no REAL OW but I'm following the same rules.

H,

It is with a heavy heart that I write you this letter. I am saddened by what has become of us - our friendship, our partnership, our marriage. This letter is written to you as a necessity. I'll explain:

The 11 yrs we spent together were filled with countless hugs, kisses, tears, winks and laughs. I have loved you every minute of every day we spent together.

I know I haven't been a perfect wife. I realize that my inattentiveness and my obsessive tendencies drove a wedge into our relationship. I'm sorry. Please know I never wanted to hurt you or push you away. The pain of your drinking and destructive behavior during our marriage has been unimaginable. Continued contact with you has the potential to destroy my love for you and I don't want that to happen.

It is because of this that I must insist we no longer contact each other until you are ready to stop drinking completely and commit to a program of recovery. Please respect this decision. In case of an emergency, or any necessary financial or kid-related or personal property matters, please contact (designated intermediary) and she will contact me. Once you are ready to stop drinking completely and commit to a recovery program, please contact me, and I will be willing to discuss restoring our family and our marriage.

I’m including our visitation schedule - you are a good father and I want you to continue to see the kids. I think you'll agree it’s not fair to disrupt their lives any more than necessary to accommodate the adults’ problems and that they should be home on school nights. You can have (designated intermediary) check with me if you need to make any adjustments. It is only in their best interest that you keep all alcohol, drugs, and other relationships you may be taking part in away from them as well. As for our financial obligations, my expectation is that you will continue to contribute.

I am committed to a clean, sober, peaceful marriage with you. I believe we can build a relationship that is stronger and more fulfilling than we have ever experienced. As of today, I walk forward in life for myself and my kids, and I want you to walk with us. I love you.

~Julie

K, these are the CONSEQUENCES for THEIR (chosen) ACTIONS! Of course they want to see the kids every day, and disrupt the life that we are (re-)building while he continues to live a life that hurts us. Like my kids, yours are old enough to know the truth. My DD/11 won't do over-nights w/H because she doesn't support him in his current choices. She's told him this! Give some thought to telling your kids what's going on - yes it's hurtful but (IMO) they deserve it & this way they can process what's going on, how they feel, etc. They can also tell when he's full of crap as he whines to them about how much his life sucks right now! It's really empowering.

huh? There should be NO NEXT TIME! Why are you in plan B if you are not willing to DO ANYTHING to enforce it? All that has happened here is you have clearly demonstrated that YOU DON'T MEAN IT. You have forfeited ALL OF YOUR CREDIBILITY because he knows you DON'T MEAN IT.

Why have you not changed the locks?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Have you told the kids about the affair and what you are doing? They need to know the FULL FACTS.

As far as legal documents, I have often seen it recommended here to have a legal separation agreement going into Plan B. Are you financially dependent on WH?

I have seen it said over and over that before going into Plan B, get your ducks in a row...visitation, finances, intermediary...THEN go to Plan B.

I do know that without a legal separation agreement, he can legally enter the home any time he wants (at least in our state). But that did not stop me from changing the locks. I figured if he wanted in, he could get the courts to tell me....and that would take some time.

Maybe Mel can help you more with what you may still need to do to REALLY go dark.

But once in Plan B, you CANNOT let him "get in" to your life in any way.

Every time he "gets in", you destroy your Plan B credibility and your boundaries.

Have you told your children about the affair? If not, this needs to be done.

Kag ~

CHANGE THE LOCKS! After I gave FWH my Plan B letter that was the first thing I did.

I agree with Mel, every time you allow him to break Plan B you are losing credibility.

Now when/if he comes home, he is going to think he can just ignore your Plan B conditions as well.

You have got to be stronger or Plan B is worthless.

Gee - and my friends and family think I am doing well not speaking to him and using an itermediary.

I sent him a schedule for March through the IM and asked again that he not come in the house. Hope it works. You all are right that there has been too much communication. He makes ME feel guilty about the boys....I have been so gullible with his lies and influenced by his opinion that I just buy into it! Funny thing is outside of this relationship I am a very strong, independent, successful woman. Why does he break me?

K

I told them that their dad is behaving in a way that is not acceptable to me. And I need to be away from him while he continues to behave this way. Steve thought they were too young for the gory details.

K, that is nice, but not speaking to him IS NOT PLAN B. Thats just the cold shoulder. Plan B is total separation. It should give him a taste of what life will be like if you were DIVORCED. Its purpose is for you to DETACH from him, and that can't be done if he comes in and out of the house at will.