He will be triggered every time he goes back there and will chance a resumption. And so will you. If the opportunity is right there, he will eventually give into it.

Don't settle for crumbs while you have ANY LEVERAGE, KAG. This is not the time to play Russian Roulette anymore. You have too much at stake here to take those kind of chances.

Don't play around with this anymore. Do it RIGHT this time so you don't have to deal with this anymore. Make it safe for you to get on with your life.

Plan B is WORKING, as you can see, and you have your H on the ropes. Don't let him up until everything is RIGHT.

My thought is this: if he stays with that company, then the only way that would be an acceptable condition is if he NEVER goes back to that building. You would prefer he LEFT THE company and you moved OUT OF STATE, but might be willing to SETTLE for him staying at the same company as long as he NEVER goes back to that building.

Kag, I have serious doubts he even told his boss about the affair, could be wrong, but he needs to be honest and go back and negotiate this concession. If it were me, I would personally speak to his boss and ask for his support.

She shouldn't have his cell number, Kag.

He must take extraordinary precautions, one of which is to change his cell number, and eliminate all avenues for her to contact him.

I know that for myself, there is NO WAY I could deal with my husband being in the same building as OW.

Recovery is not easy, even in the best of circumstances. If I knew, that this is the day FWH will be in OW's building, I would be triggering out the wazoo all day long. This is a trigger that can be eliminated by leaving his current job. For me, that would be necessary, before CONSIDERING reconciliation.

This is not a good enough scenario in my recovery book. Just my .02

I know....didn't want to start demanding all the small details until the big one is settled. I am going to schedule an appt with SH when I get back and get his take on everything.

I agree that going back for meetings is bad....feel stuck. I don't want to give him ideas, he created this mess he needs to fix it.

Switching jobs entirely would mean moving and that would have a serious detremental affect on my son. He would have to switch professions to stay in area.

Sure wish she would quit! But it is his mess.

I think he did....he seems contrite and humbled this time around, not that I am giving him an inch. I won't consider reconciliation until he is out of office, that requires his boss reassigning him...which is big in itself. So if he is in the new office(more like a satellite office in a different town)he has talked to his boss.

Kag:

Call his boss, THANK HIM for helping you in supporting your Marriage.

If the boss acts like "WTF?" Then you know your WH is lying.

If the boss acts like: "Thank you! I'm trying my best to help, Mr. KAG is really broken by this. I'm trying to do X, Y and Z to make sure they don't get together." Then you know that the did talk to him. And you can ask him to assist yu with your PLAN of reconciliation with Mr. KAG.

If WH calls: "Why did you call him!" KAG Replies: "To thank him for supporting our marriage, and for talking to you about that." WH: But you weren't supposed to call him! Kag:"You said you had called him. So, I thanked him for his support."

LG

LG,

THAT is a great idea!!

I LOVE it!

I sent an email to his boss...wasn't feeling brave enough today for a phone call. Still riding that emotional roller coaster.

I know I am getting ahead of myself but I want to clarify the NC letter. SH had WH write up a NC contract that outlined all possible instances of contact(like she called or emailed or wrote him a note) and how he was not to respond and tell me immediately and give me info.

Is the NC letter that or a letter to the OW to buzz off? I know he hasn't done that. By moving his office up a floor away from her was suppose to be the agreed upon 'sign' that there will be NC. I think that is [email]cr@P[/email] and really want to approach her in person with WH and say enough.

But like a said that is secondary to getting out of the office.

YESSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear ;

Thank you so very much for your message.

I am so grateful that you all are here and you have my promise to do
whatever I can to assist...

My prayers and thoughts are with you all....

sincerely

J

That was the return email from his boss <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Bravo to the bossman! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> What did you say in the email to him?


You should CHOOSE TO NOT BE STUCK. Don't CHOOSE that. You had BETTER be giving him ideas about what you will require! He is not a mind reader! Now is not the time to play games. Tell him what it will take to get you on board with reconciliation. If you don't tell him, he won't know.


Yes, the NC letter should be sent to the OW. But obviously that can't happen as long as they still work together, because they are still in contact until that happens.

ML,

I pretty much said what LG suggested. Thank you for supporting our marriage. And thank you for supporting us in prior times where we were in crisis with our son....greatly appreciate your kindness and accomodations.



I am trying hard to get out of our prior dynamic where I would always bail him out and tell him what to do. This is the first time where he has to figure things out that has to do with me or our family. I am trying to walk a thin line of what I require and how he will come to meet that. And then I don't want to contact him to clarify at this point where I am supposed to be in plan B!? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

PS... when we were in recovery for the little time of oct-dec, I did specify what I needed and what he 'should' be doing to help with the recovery. Fell on deaf ears, I feel like I need him to swim alone for a while without me as a liferaft.

So you clearly STATED that you were referring to your H's WORKPLACE AFFAIR with OW?




Let Steve negotiate his return, but it needs to be made VERY CLEAR TO HIM that going back there for meetings is not acceptable. That is your boundary and he can't know your boundaries unless you STATE THEM. That is your obligation.

It fell on deaf ears because you had no inclination to enforce your boundaries. A boundary that is not enforced is not a boundary, but empty talk. But it is up to you to state your boundaries and enforce them.

I don't know if that is entirely true....I did say NC was required during that period and the second I found out it was broken I asked him to move out.

But anyhoo....Do I tell him the rest of my requirements now, like change the cell phone number, NC letter to her, total transperency...etc or do I wait until the big thing is settled....job location?

I am on vacation now with my kids so there will be NC with me for 10 days, which is good for me...I need a break from the tension.

Before we left he did say he was buying all of MB's books, I already own all copies but since he is living elsewhere he ordered his own set plus more books on relationships. He showed me one. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> This is surprising cuz before I was always reading on improving relationships and marking things for him to read and he never did.

Another question:

It seems like most plan B's end when the A ends do to break up. What is WH motivation to come back when he still thinks OW is such a great person? It seems like recovery or reconcilation can never really happen when WH still has feelings for OW.

Part of me wants him to go off with her and realize what a joke their relationship is and what a coniving blank she is...then come home. He will always have this fantasy of OW in the back of his mind. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

If contact really does end, his feelings for her will go away. But, they will be rekindled every time they see each other again. He will view her differently IF he ever withdraws from her.

Just like an alcoholic, he can withdraw if there is complete abstinence, but one drink will start it all up again. But if he sits in the bar all day staring at the drink, the inevitable weak moment will collide with opportunity and he will take the drink again.

Well I have to go home tomorrow from my wonderful vacation. I am dreading facing my life and WH. Well not facing him but dealing with him through the intermediary about the boys.

For all I know he has spent the week with OW. I had a lot of time to think this week and really don't want to reconcile for less than ALL that I want. I am not going back into 'fake' recovery.

Even fantasized(while floating around in the pool) about what it would be like to find someone new....and do I even want him back?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Spoke with WH last night and he has been NC for a month, living with a friend, moved his office up a floor, told his boss everything(verified) and talking about wanting to reconcile and MC.

HOWEVER, I asked him to move out of building and he is going on and on about an emotional intimate relationship when I am still reeling from D-day and false recovery. I have stated what I need from him.

What do I do with this? I don't want to discourage his small attempts but don't want to accept less than what I need. If I refuse to speak to him am I sending the wrong message? How do I encourage his efforts but tell him it isn't enough????
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Hi Kag, I'd wondered where you went! You had a vacation all to yourself...good for you! I think that should be part of the Plan B curriculum.

Everything you're thinking & feeling is normal, and in time you will be able to sort it out for yourself. For now, it's best you stick to your plan.

What happened to communicating via IM? I'm thinking you shouldn't have let your WH in or had any conversation with him. Surely he WANTS to be commended for his minimal efforts, and by doing so you'll only be selling yourself short. Probably best to have your IM communicate this to him and go back to DARK. Unfortunately for you, (from my own experience, anyway) by having the conversation w/him you put yourself in a bad spot - you're already questioning your Plan & the next few days are sure to be tough as WH tries to make contact again.

It's up to you, what you're willing to accept. Ask yourself what you are REALLY willing to settle for. Keep posting, you've got some Vets who will help more too.