K, what advice exactly do you believe was not helpful? Everything she was told to do is right out of Marriage Builders, in exact accordance to Dr. Harley's words. Dr. Harley advocates telling the truth to the victim spouse and that is EXACTLY what she did. There is nothing here that was contradictory to MB principles, so why are you criticizing members for giving her advice that is BASED ON Dr. Harley's own teachings? I don't get it..

I have read this thread again and see nothing here that would give me pause, K, so I am little confused about what you think you see that was not appropriate. There is nothing out of line with Marriage Builders principles unless I have missed a post. Please clarify.

Brooke:

Call the Harleys. Start with a PLAN that can be tailored to your sitch and that you can interact with the professionals.

This may be the darkest days of your marriage right now. But you have allowed yourself to be in the light. And that's not a bad place for you to be.

Your WH will understand why you told him.

He WILL regret his actions yesterday.

He is operating from place of pain, and only reacting.

Eventually he will get a grip on his emotions and decide to start recovering his marriage.

Or, he's going to go boink everyone in the neighborhood.

"Because he can NOW!"

Waywards. Ya gotta love em.

But call the Harleys. They can give YOU, YOUR PLAN.

And the are far cheaper than Divorce Attorneys.

LG

Brooke,

Your husband is still whirling. It will takes days/weeks maybe for the utter shock to pass.

It is quite possible that this IS a betrayal he cannot get past. But it is also possible that as the shock diminishes, he may consider saving the marriage.

I think MECD is right in that "where your heart today is" is what your husband was concerned about.

He cannot bare the thought of you loving OM.

Please realize how absolutely essential no contact is. Did you write a NC letter to OM yet. I realize your BS probably will have nothing to do with helping with that letter, but it is still an action that YOU NEED to take.

No matter what happens with your marriage, you cannot ever have a relationship with OM.

Begin to establish a lifestyle that does not let OM in AT ALL. Eliminate the ways that he can contact you...cell number, home number, email, nc letter, avoid places where you might see him. Because of the entwined relationships, this will be a drastic change for you; but a necessary one.

Be sure to give your husband your new phone numbers and email. You can let him know that you changed them to aid in eliminating all contact.

Please know that, right now, he will scoff at anything you do. But do the right things anyway. He will notice, and if he ever reaches a point of considering saving the marriage, it will be these things that will matter and convince him that you are sincere.

I, too, suggest seeking help from the Harleys, with our without your husband.

I agree with K, Brooke. What was missing was having a clear plan BEFORE confessing. JL and a few others suggested doing this with a professional. I know you considered that suggestion and decided it would be best done one-on-one. And I still agree that one-on-one has it's benefits, however, you, as an individual, talking to a professional before confessing might have made a huge difference.

Please please do as K suggests now, i know you have reservations about phone counseling, but please try just one session. Please find a way to afford just one session and then decide. Last I looked one phone session was just under $200. I wish I could pay for the session for you!!

I am very sorry for you but I can understand why your husband is so upset. You had a huge opportunity to help him and your marriage and you let it slip by. He asked you at the end if you are still in love with the OM. Clearly he was begging you to say NO and that you are in love with him and wish to rebuild the marriage with all of your heart and soul. Instead you reply you are confused about your feelings toward the OM and you have only broken up with him 16 days ago? Of course your husband was going to see this as a clear indication that you are still in love with the OM and a slap in the face to him. You didn't say you were in love with your husband.

It was such a huge double betrayal and he was reaching out to you but you totally left him hanging. I don't mean at all to be harsh but how in the world would you expect him to act after what you said and implied? I would think about writing him a long letter at least to tell him you still love him. I really think his feeling that his wife is still in love with his best friend seems quite valid because you have not dissuaded him. All you said is that the affair ended 16 days ago and you are confused. Why would he see comfort in those words at all? I think he saw it as pouring more salt in the wound. Am I wrong?

IMHO, no one needs the Harley's to direct them as to how to tell the truth. A BS has a right to know the truth IMMEDIATELY...not after someone has is able to make a plan. EVERY DAY without the truth is another betrayal.

I often advocate coaching with the Harleys but that is not a requirement for exposing the truth and the Harleys have NEVER EVER claimed any such thing. Nor is there a need to tell someone to call for coaching in order to tell your spouse the truth. Good grief, people.

They write articles and make this forum available for the purpose of doing it on their own. Brooke was given GREAT ADVICE that is right out of Dr. Harley's articles and books here. Not only that, he GIVES us numerous plans of RECOVERY to follow after such an exposure so that is available for Brooke. Others have been giving her advice on a follow up plan anyway, so it makes no sense to say she has no follow up plan.

Many experienced, knowledgable members of this board gave Brooke thoughtful, excellent advice based on Marriage Builders principles. JustLearning, Pepperband, L.I.T., AGoodGuy, and many many others gave her advice that lines right up with MB principles.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with the advice given here and I defy anyone to find a legitimate issue with it.

If the Harleys only wanted us to tell ppl to call them for coaching, they could shut the forum down and just put up a notice: call for counseling. Please note that they have not done so.

GREAT post Mel!

One other note..Dr. Harley says in one of his videos...you actually posted the link here...that for those that read his books and follow his advice, they too can be experts at saving marriages. It doesn't require years of counseling with them (and even doing so does not guarantee recovery as evidenced by the Dr's. words and by some posters here with "questionable" recoveries)to be able to offer sound advice.

Telling the truth is sound advice as you have correctly pointed out. There is no need for a coach to advise anyone on how to tell the truth.

Brooke,

I haven't posted to you yet, but have been watching the events unfold.

First off, I commend you on doing the right thing in telling your H. While I know you are second guessing that decision right now, eventually you will come to a place where you will see it was the right thing to do. No matter what happens to your M.

Second, your H reaction so far has been normal. Everything he is saying is out of pain and anger. He loves you very much, otherwise, he would indifferent to all of this.

And yes, the confrontation with the OM was not a good thing, it is over, it is done, it is now in the past. For the most part, it seemed to over better than expected. I mean they could have killed each other right then and there.

Now, about your H. EVeryone is right, just sit back and let him cool off a bit. What he is saying is all anger. When he gets a chance to let the dust of all this settle down, he may change his mind. Now this may take awhile. I'll tell you a story very similiar to your sitch.

My sis had an A this summer. When it ended, she could no longer take the guilt and told her husband. He reacted much in the same way you H has. Now, OM was not the best friend mind you, but it was someone he knew. Anyway, he moved out immediately. He ceased to have any communication with her, except involving the kids. When they did talk, it was not good. He was very mean, hurtful, and callous. If anything, it helped reiterate in her mind why it was ok to have the affair in the first place.

He told her he thought of his future and didn't see a place for her in it. He called her w*&^%,b*&^%, just about everything you could think of. It was bad. He also started to ignore his daughters. Another bad thing. He wasn't paying her any money, partying and drinking at every oppertunity. It honestly looked hopeless. BUT....

then came along MY husbands affair. She saw the pain I was in, the affects it had on me, and the FOG began to lift for HER. She had just started counseling, and then she threw herself full force into changing herself and saving her M. Her husband began to take notice.

One day, he came over, told that he wasn't angry anymore. Oh, he was still mad, hurt, and betrayed, but he wasn't raging anymore. He asked to start going to counseling with her.

Well, he moved back in the day before Valentines day, 5 1/2 months after her confession. Are they fully recovered? Not by a long shot, BUT they are both getting help and working towards the HAPPIEST AND MOST FULFILLING MARRIAGE they ever thought possible.

So, my advice to you, is to get "Surviving An Affair". It is a must read even for the unfaithful spouse. Set up an appt. with the Harleys if you can or at least get a good counselor for you to see, so you can work out your issues.

At this point, You need to start healing YOU. and making changes to YOU. You cannot make your husband do anything. It is up to him to decide if he wants to stay married to you or not. Hopefully, he will not be filing anytime soon, and I doubt he will, because right now he is saying things in anger. But you need to be still and concentrate on you.....

So start with the book, stay on here and keep posting. We will all be around. My sister has been on here in the past and if you want to talk to her, I could point her over this way for you. Also, we should get for of the former wayward spouses on here to help you with your healing.....their insight in valuable....

keep you chin up....you have done your best...

not2fun

ps...this is to BryanP....do you not realize that though Brooke may have confessed and the affair is over, she is still in her own fog over this mess???? While I am not saying she should be handled delicately and 2x4ed when needed, she is in the middle of a major trauma while still being in a fog herself.....

I did not give her a 2X4. I suggested that she write her husband a letter. Reread my response. I suggested she had an opening and did not take advantage of it. I then suggested for her to write a letter to him to give her another opportunity. Do you really think I was harsh?

Brooke
my sister
my prayers go with you...
1. Please get professional advice.. and a LOT of it
2.please be generous with youself in getting the pro help
by that i mean..take the time and money to get varrying opinions..
right now you dont need any recriminations about what you did..i hope you get and FOLLOW advice from a pro.. and ONLY from a professional..
so far you have done what the posters here advised...
how is THAT working out for you???
your husband is WOUNDED.. so i'd advise you to respect him
he needs to be reassured about his life situations.. so i counsel you to maintain your routines.. and for you to let him take the lead in things..can you .. at least for a few days..put his needs first in your life???
there are a lot of specific things you need to do right now and you should really get them from a professional. describe your situation throughly.. and press the counselor to give you a hUSBANDS perspective
i wish you well my sister
JB

Melody
here is MY problem with the advice brooke got...
she was PUSHED into a radical reveal WITHOUT any warnings about all the possible RESULTS..
MOST of the males saw this coming
my advice to wives is
NEVER reveal your adultry to you Husband with out FIRST getting a PROFESSIONAL, "in person" evaluation of your husbands personailty..the range of respones can be all the way from "dont care" to MURDER.. and no one..not even the husband really knows what it will be..
I have most of harleys books.. where does he instruct HOW to reveal the affair???
JerseyBoy

Bryan,

Her response to her H was fogspeak. Given the circumstance at the time, why would you expect anything less???? Was it hurtful to him? yes....did she miss her mark??? yes.....but to me, telling her that she did it was one thing, giving her an idea on how to fix was also one thing (which I agree with...), but then you reprimanded her AGAIN by telling her she poured salt on the wound....AND THAT WILL BE THE THING ON YOUR WHOLE POST THAT SHE WILL REMEMBER....

I thought your post was fine, but yes that last part was insenitive. This is all new for her, she doesn't have a clear grasp of MB principles yet, her H is (rightfully so) acting atrocious, and she is still in the FOG. Does that mean we can't help her lift it?? No, but you had already told her in the beginning her mistake, you didn't have to "rub salt in it" if you will, at the end....she will have missed your good advice on how to fix it.....

not2fun

I'm not

IMHO, this is not the time for her to be less than truthful about what her feelings are right now. She didn't say that she loved or missed OM, in fact she didn't want to see him at all. I think her response was not inappropriate at all.

Since her H had an affair of his own, he was probably unlikely to believe that she didn't at some point at least think she was in love with OM.

Having been a BS, there is no excuse for Brookes affair, but I commend her for being honest with him about her current feelings for OM.

Who

No, Dr. Harley never recommends any such thing. That is not realistic. Dr. Harley is not a PSYCHIC and cannot "evaluate" - second hand - who will or won't be violent over the phone. Nor does he claim any such ability. We have perfectly normal, healthy people on this forum who were violent for the FIRST TIME in their lives upon exposure. It could not have been foretold.

This exposure, while very explosive, went just fine. It was not expected to be pretty, but it is a success if all the interested parties are informed. There is no reason to believe this was unsuccessful. Now, at least she has a CHANCE to save her marriage. Violence is often the outcome of exposure, and that is an expectation.

She knew full well this could be the outcome and was prepared for it. Folks did bring it up and she was not "pushed" into anything against her will. She was gentlty persuaded to do the right thing and she did. There would be no possible way to avoid that outside of assigning a security guard to both her H and the OM, which is unrealistic.

There is no need to get "professional" advice to expose an affair unless there is a chance the BS is a violent person who will harm the WS. Hers did not harm her nor was it anticipated. That is the only scenario where special care is recommended.

Exposures are expected to be ugly and sometimes even violent. That is just a fact of life, jb.

Dr. Harley never ever has recommended that one only expose with professional advice. The advice here was perfectly in line with his articles, etc.

I commend her too. While it may not have been what the BS wanted to hear...she was honest and I will not fault her for her honesty.

Brooke,

you have so much on your shoulders right now I hope you are able to look past the posts that are debating about if professional help before a confession is right/wrong.

those posts are not helpful to you right now, you are beyond that point. it's irrelavant.

you focus on what you can do now.

i continue to hope you will call for counseling here.

How are you doing?

Brooke
i say again..see a professional..in person..
and please take care of you.. rest, food, exercise...
rely on friends....get support..
be gentle with yourself
all the best
Jerseyboy

JB,

These are all your quotes. I'm confused. You tell her to seek professional advice only and then you start telling her what YOU advise and counsel.

If you feel she should only take professional advice, why do you then proceed to offer your "advice" and "counsel"?

Also, if you feel that the advice of folks who have lived through infidelity, survived it, and implemented the MB principles to recover and heal their marriages, is really not valuable, why in the world would you spend any time on the forum? AND why do you post YOUR advice?

That makes ABSOLUTELY NO sense whatsoever.