You may even consdier checking into stalking laws in your state. I don't know how severe the acts of the OP must be, but it's worth a look into. Especially if you're a little worried that he's desperate - your safety or that of your H may be at risk.

He needs the letter to demonstrate:

#1 your love for him
#2 your commitment to him
#3 your disgust at the affair
#4 your dedication to no contact

As someone mentioned earlier, consider it a love letter to the BS. It doesn't have to be too mushy, but it should demonstrate that not only are you committed to doing the right thing because it is the right thing, but also because you love your husband. Perhaps something about your marriage being the real deal and the affair being a fantasy that now disgusts you.

I found the sample letter in SAA a little dry and lacking in emotion. BUT it is usually written by someone who is going to go through withdrawal and is not necessarily fully "into" their spouse. So, I think Dr. H may balance all of that into it.

From my perspective, I really wanted the NC letter to be gushing to OW about what an awesome wife I have always been, how much he loves me and cannot comprehend how far his head was up his @ss during the affair, and how sickened he is by the thought of her.

Now that's a sweet NC letter.

Perhaps your husband needs to see a little more passion about him and not so much "doing the right thing".

Sorry your having a tough time. Share with H that you are taking additional steps along with this.......

Changing e-mail, contacting attorney for harrasment suit, etc. and the NC leter is only a small part of the process you are following through with.....

And then follow through immediatly.....

I have never read your thread, but will look at when I have more time and try to reply later.

I'll be honest. I felt a little hurt by FWS's NC letter, and he used practically the same letter (it was what was recommended here). I didn't ask him to change it because I knew he was getting reviews on it from the hard-nosed vets here.

His letter servied its purpose. However...

I really wanted the letter to show the OW that I was the woman of his dreams. That he was coming home for ME. That he CHOSE ME. Not for the kids, not because it was the right thing to do, but because his best day with her couldn't even compare to his worst day with me.

I really believe that the sample letter is designed for someone who is just coming out of an affair, is still foggy, is heading into withdrawal from OP, and isn't even sure he/she WANTS the spouse. So Dr. H is careful in the wording so that WS will be willing to send it, so that BS gets something concrete to demonstrate NC, and so that OP hears "I do not want ANY contact."

If you are not foggy and are really as excited to send NC letter as you seem, then beef up the letter with some passion and desire for your husband.

Just my .02

"Immediately" being the key word. It will say to him, "I'm serious about this. I mean what I say."

OK I'm revising. He won't even talk to me now <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I feel like I was trying so hard and my intentions were pure and I was just attacked for it.

He said I should have never followed the advice of the "quacks" (his wording, not mine) here, and that it isn't practical. I just kept saying that I wanted him to be happy with the letter too, and that it was a letter from me, but that I wanted him to "approve" it.

Now he's back to "he needs to think about things".

Things were SO GOOD this weekend. WTF happened. He's saying the vacation was ruined now.

I'm so upset and hurt. I feel like my intentions were right, I was trying to do this right, I just got attacked and I am TERRIFIED to show him the new letter now. I feel like if it isn't VERBATIM what he wanted... he's just going to flip again. He's insulting me and keeps telling me how stupid I was about the past, etc....

What a disaster...

TT

Opinions? Esp. SMB and tst?

OM
I do not appreciate the recent email you sent me, and your continued efforts to contact me. I have expressed in the past that we need to not talk to each other any more, so I am not sure why you have made repeated attempts at contacting me, even when I have not made any attempts to reply or contact you. Your attempts to contact me have hurt me immensely because they have hurt my efforts to recover my marriage. I want nothing more than to have back my stable, loving marriage, and I am committed to doing everything it takes in order to achieve that. In order to have that, I need you out of my life forever. I am recovering my marriage, and I want you to know that I never want to see or speak to you ever again. Our relationship was one built on lies, that should have never happened in the first place. My relationship with you was a cruel to H and he did not deserve that at all, as he had done nothing but work to build a life and a future for us, and my acts were selfish and disgusting. While I can never completely repay H for the pain I caused him, I am doing my best to become the wife he deserves. I want for H and I to have a stable relationship without outside interference-- therefore you need to be entirely out of my life. I have not made any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any further contact with me. I am requiring that you respect my desire to end ALL contact with you, in ANY way, shape, or form. If any further contact is sought in any manner, I will obtain a restraining order.

TT

Your inviting contact by asking questions in you letter--no open ended questions or statements.....

Am I the only one here who sees your H using this as means of manipulating you...again??

What questions did I ask? Or open ended statement?

H STILL isn't happy with this one, but he said "nothing will be good enough" and at this point it means nothing to him. I said I was doing it out of necessity, not because it "meant something" to him. I would hope that it would, but even if it doesn't, I'm doing it anyways.

He's really going on a downward spiral. He said to just send this one. That nothing will be good enough.

He is telling me to just send it.

Do I send it? And, tst, where's the open ended ness??

TT

Could be??? I have not read her thread, but if there is contact from OM and a NC letter was never sent...It's time to get this job done. Immediately!

My wife's eventual "no contact" letter/email included something to the effect:

"if you ignore my request for "no contact" be assured that this is the last time that I will ever respond to you or read anything you send me....

you will be dealing exclusively with my husband from now on. "


Then....the no contact email included a cc to my email account.

The idiot responded to her "no contact" email which she immediately forwarded to me, unread, and Mrs. Wondering gave me the green light to respond however I wished.

We never heard from him again.

Mr. Wondering

I believe tst is refering to this line:


as an invitation to OM to explain himself.

A little revision.......take what you like and leave the rest!


OM,

I want you to know that out of respect and love for my H, I never want to see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that H did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay H for the pain I caused him, I am committed and devoted to the man I love. I care deeply for my family and I will not do anything to risk their happiness. I will never make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. I will not tolerate your interference in my marriage to the man I love. I am contacting my attorney and I am drafting the paperwork necessary to file a lawsuit for damages from you, for harrassment, if contact occures again. I will not tolerate your interference in my marriage to the man I love!

Signed Name only

Make your letter MUCH shorter, meaner and to the point.

"NEVER, NEVER, NEVER under ANY circumstances contact me again. What we did was stupid and disgusts me. I love my husband with all my heart and will try to spend the rest of my life making up to him for this idiotic thing we did.
I repeat, NEVER CONTACT ME IN ANY WAY AGAIN!!"

Sign your name but no sincerely or anything at all. The end.
As a BS, that is the letter I WANT to see.

WH2LE

Manipulating???

Hmmm...perhaps. I, too, have not read her thread so I don't know the details of their relationship. I DO know that as a BS, if OW had contacted my FWS, I suspect I would have emotionall spiralled down quickly. It would have triggered me right to d-day.

Also, I was pretty "inside myself" during the time FWH was writing his letter. I had walls up because I didn't want to be hurt AND because I really wanted HIM to come up the letter.

TT, you are right. You need to send this letter whether your husband cares or not. You need OM out of your life, no matter what happens in your marriage. Even if your husband says he does not care, by sending this letter you will demonstarte to him that YOU DO care.

Here are my thoughts on your letter:


I would change this to something more direct and less wordy, like: Do not contact me again.




This sounds like you want him to respond with an explanation as to why he contacted you. It sounds like you want more dialog.

I also don't like the first part: "we need to not talk"

How about something like: I do not want contact of any kind with you ever again.





Do NOT share your hurt with OM. That is offensive to a BS.




I don't PERSONALLY like the word stable. I want a passionate marriage back.




I like this part. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />





I think all of this is already covered, so I would just take it out.





Sounds good.

OK so quick update, then I'll make revision three.

H is still livid. I called him as I left work, and he hung up on me three times.

He is really living in the past right now, and I understand that. He pretty much screamed at me my whole way home. He's really going off the deep end. He was so good this morning too... sigh.

Julie is referring to my H's past attempts to manipulate me. He can be very manipulative, so I have to be careful with my boundaries with him.

The NC letter is going to be sent.

H wants me to write the letter and will not give me ANY input other than to say he doesn't like it. I am getting a lot more from you guys. I want to make this the best letter it can be. H won't help me. He is expecting me to read his mind... not really fair. He said nothing will be good enough because the timing is wrong, it should hvae been a long time ago. I said I can't help that, but I can send a letter that you have approved and are happy with. And I want to do that.

He said nothing will be good enough, blah blah blah. So, I said I want your opinions... he kept saying he didn't want to do this now, blah blah blah. I don't understand why he wants to drag this out-- other than to "punish" me.

So, I told him I value his input, really WANT his input, and am 100% willing to change whatever he would like changed. I want to write the letter myself, I want it to be my words, but I want his input and that I want it to be something he's approved. And that I want to send sooner rather than later.

So, I told him that he has a choice. He can work with me on this letter, help me send one he "approves" of. Tell me his opinions, I will revise till he's happy (he says he shouldn't have to help me with this...). I said I will revise again, and send him the letter. I will send the letter at 5 pm tomorrow via email-- and cc H's account (this was always agreed upon with us). I said I valued his input and wanted it, but if he wasn't willing to give it to me then I would be forced to send what I had. And I said that that was not the best situation for him or me, but that that was what I would be forced to do. And I said that I would not tolerate the wording of the letter being thrown in my face at any point in time later down the line BECAUSE I had given him ample opportunity to work with me and make this a letter HE liked.

So that is my boundary regarding the letter. I am revising again now, and will post here. I will work with YOU GUYS then to make the best letter. I will send it to H again. I told him if he cared to give me a constructive opinion and help me to understand what it was that he wanted from the letter, I would love that. If not, then I would send what I have. And no throwing it in my face later (as in "I didn't send a good enough letter or do a good enough job, blah blah blah... because I gave him an opportunity and expressed that I wanted him to help and wanted his opinion).

I don't know what my "consequence" for crossing that boundary is yet. When I told him I would not tolerate that, he said to me "I can do whatever I want to do" (how old are we?!?!). He is one that needs boundaries (see my thread). And he pretty much said to me that I crossed his boundaries during his A, so he had a right to do whatever he wanted now (a common theme of his).

When I got home, a friend of his that he's going to a hockey game with was here. He was civil and actually gave me a hug. And then he left. Probably for the better that we are separated tonight until bedtime anyways-- with emotions running high and because he has a hard time controlling himself when his emotions run high.

OK, gonna revise and post again. Just watned to give an update on this debacle.

Thanks for all the help on the letter guys. I really appreciate it a lot. I am taking a lot of these suggestions to heart-- especially from the BSs. And Mrs. Wondering-- I like your suggestion of all future correspondence being with my H. I may add that to my letter. I do not want to open a can of worms though. Really, I just want him to leave us BOTH alone-- so with someone that is NOT GETTING the point, I don't know if that is such a good idea.

TT

OK, how about this?? I cut and pasted suggestions from just about everyone above... thank so much guys. You are REALLY being helpful. I just want to make sure there's NOTHING about this that is offensive, so that I can stand firm on my boundary. If he decides not to help me with this letter, so be it. But I will not tolerate it being used against me because he did not take the opportunity to express what about it he would like changed. I am not a mind reader and cannot be punished for not being able to read his mind.

Thanks for all the help. This is version three. Suggestions?

OM
Never, under any circumstances, contact me again. I want nothing more than to have back my passionate, loving marriage, and I am committed to doing everything it takes in order to achieve that. In order to have that, I need you out of my life forever. I am recovering my marriage, and I want you to know that I never want to see or speak to you ever again. I love my H and I will spend the rest of my life making up for the idiotic things that we did. Our relationship was one built on lies, that should have never happened in the first place. My relationship with you was a cruel to H and he did not deserve that at all, as he had done nothing but work to build a life and a future for us, and my acts were selfish and disgusting. While I can never completely repay H for the pain I caused him, I am doing my best to become the wife he deserves. I have not made any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any further contact with me. I am requiring that you respect my desire to end ALL contact with you, in ANY way, shape, or form. I will not tolerate your interference in my marriage to the man I love. I am contacting my attorney and I am drafting the paperwork necessary to file a lawsuit for damages from you, for harrassment, if contact occurs again.
TT

I will send this letter to H again after I gain approval here. I will ask for his opinion on it, if he cares not to share it or talk about the letter, it will be sent via email at 5 pm tomorrow. A certified letter will follow the email, with the exact same wording so that I can follow up legally if need be.

Thanks guys, I really appreciate it. I'm really trying my hardest to make this right here. Even if H just makes me feel like I'm doing it all wrong and that this is somehow making this WORSE not better. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> I guess its not really the thought that counts, eh?

TT

TT, here are my suggestions. This way, you mention your husband, marriage, and recovery more (H ought to like that better). Also, it starts out stronger against the OM, and ends firmer against OM, which H should also like. The language is more direct, and the mentioning of you is more often paired with your husband as a couple with HIM, not with OM.

Schoolbus





OM

Never, under any circumstances, contact me again. Stay out of my life forever. I never want to see or speak to you ever again.

I want nothing more than to have back my passionate, loving marriage, and I am committed to doing everything it takes in order to achieve that. I am recovering my marriage, and I love my H and never stopped.

I will spend the rest of my life making up for the idiotic things that you and I did. The relationship we had was one built on lies and should have never happened in the first place. My relationship with you was a cruel to my H and he did not deserve that at all, as he had done nothing but work to build a life and a future for our marraige together, and my acts were selfish and disgusting.

While I can never completely repay H for the pain I caused him, I am doing my best to become the wife he deserves. Together, my husband and I are recovering from my mistake, and we are working on our future.

I have not made any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any further contact with me. I am requiring that you respect my desire to end ALL contact with you, in ANY way, shape, or form.

I will not tolerate your interference in my marriage or hurt to the man I love. I am contacting my attorney and I am drafting the paperwork necessary to file a lawsuit for damages from you, for harrassment, if contact occurs again.


TT

Schoolbus,

That's a GREAT letter.



TT,

I hope you'll use the revisions Schoolbus made. But whatever you do, do it immediately. Remember it is your responsibility to take the lead by contacting your attorney if contact is attempted again by OM.

And I still believe it is of the utmost importance that you change your email immediately regardless of how much trouble it causes.