TT,

You can get a gmail account, send the letter from that account, and then delete it right away. Only takes a few minutes.

Great ideas. And schoolbus, I love your revisions. I will send this version to H-- see what he has to say about this one (if anything).

If he has no comments, I will send the letter tomorrow afternoon from a Gmail account and will then again bug my IT person about the email change.

The only problem with the email change is, because I work for a major university, my email is made public on our department's website. I cannot change this. This is for contact purposes for research and my students. I really highly doubt there's anything I can do about this but I can look into it. I guess my point is, he could find the new one easily too if he had to. All he has to do is go to the department web page and look me up. I don't know if he'd think of that-- but at this point, I'm a little stunned over the email he sent me yesterday, so I wouldn't put it past him.

I'll see what I can do about changing, but I doubt the department is going to let me make that email account non-public on the webpage. Other researchers need to contact me frequently, and that is how they usually get the email address.

I am making dinner for H and I right now for when he returns. He's still not in a very good mood (I can tell by his texts)- but I got him a nice card and a stupid little stuffed owl and am making dinner. Hopefully that will make some reparations for sending and "offensive" email to him that I was planning on sending to OM. I can try, right?

I just have to be careful, but I have felt strongly in the past that H has used my A against me in order to manipulate me. And in a way, I was starting to feel that way with this letter. I will send this to H first thing tomorrow and will let you know what his reaction is on this thread.

For tonight, I just want to let it die and forget about it. I never thought "doign the right thing" could be so stressful...

Thanks schoolbus, for the great revisions.

TT

TT, I'm guessing it'll be a LOT easier to just block his email address. And your IT Dept is SURE to know how to do that - heck, half the time nowadays emails get blocked when they're not supposed to! Do you use Outlook? Set up a Rule! Same for Lotus or any other mail program.

Remember, Plan A is not Plan Doormat. Neither is Plan B for that matter. He can be upset, you're writing/sending this letter, he can offer feedback or not, then you continue to improve YOU.

TT, you are doing great!!! Look back to a couple of weeks ago and compare what your reaction would have been compared to now. You are taking charge of the matter, and I'm really proud of you for doing so. I was shaking my head just before leaving work, waiting and hoping you would fall back on your new plan of ignoring his negative reactions. I was pleasantly surprised to see that you have. You know by now that you are in for a long ride here because your H does have some issues he will one day need to deal with. Let’s just hope he does it before he destroys himself and drags you down with him. Just remember what we talked about, only respond to the positive reactions, and walk away from the negative.

So I used schoolbus's letter-- verbatim (I really liked the modifications) to send to H. He didn't flip out this time- but did say that it is better but it still just "doesn't do it" for him. But he "doesn't know what to tell me" to make it better.

Grrr. So frustrating. I am just emailing this letter-- I've given him opportunities to help make it something he'd like "more". And I don't want to put off mailing this letter any more just because he's screwing around with whether or not he "likes" it. I'm NOT dragging this out anymore.

He's still really down today-- said that this relapse is really bad because he thought "it was over". I told him I've wanted it to be over and I've been trying to make it over at this point for months and months now. And at this point I'm taking EXTREME measures to ENSURE that it NEVER EVER happens again. Because NEITHER of us can handle it. We were BOTH about to have a nervous break down over it... Me because I KNEW he was going to blame it ALL on me, not work with me, and have a fit over it (which I was correct). Him because I'm sure this is traumatic and takes him right back to all those horrible thoughts. Sending the email shortly if H doesn't have any suggestions for improvement that are actually USEFUL other than "I don't like it".

TT

Oh-- and I looked into the email address thing. So I can change it now, but it will be made public on the department webpage again <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> So I guess it would be somewhat useful, but very easy for him to get my email address again if he wanted. There's nothing I can do about that aspect. I've already given my H full access to my email account so that he can check as he pleases.

I don't know how to block him from emailing me, actually. I've been playing around with it.. I can't figure it out. I actually use a mac, and use the iMail program to access my email. BUT-- I would like for not only iMail to disregard the email or bounce it back, but for my entire account to do that... you know, so if you checked it via the portal online (which is what my H does)... it also doesn't show up.

I have the junk mail filters on my iMail set high, and I know sometimes mail will come through my account on the web portal and end up in my "inbox" but then when I open it via iMail, iMail moves it to my junk mail. So, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I want the actual ACCOUNT to block his email, not just my email browser. Does that make sense?

Any mac users out there? Or any one savvy with how to block an email address from emailing a university email account?

TT

He doesn't have any suggestions because this is not about him. You know that. But you are doing the right thing, and if and when he finally catches up with you in maturity he'll get over it. Keep in mind that your are his wife not his mother. You know that you need to do this for you as much as for him because you want to give your M a fighting chance.
I hope you are keeping with your schedule for Plan B, because you're not out of the woods yet. He gives you signs that he'll let you in, and then something sets him off. I know I would be upset and concerned if my DWs OM tried contact, but I wouldn't blame her for it. It seems like every time any little thing comes up he starts right from the beginning and beats you up for the same thing over and over again. No wonder you're close to a nervous breakdown. As for your H his nervous breakdown will be of his own doing. Sorry to sound harsh her TT, but your H seems to have the same maturity level as my 13 yo DD. Do you want to live the rest of your life with a child?

Not harsh at all TMTS-- all of this I realize. I know he has the potential to do all of this... just no incentive.

I am sending the letter for MYSELF. Because I CAN'T HANDLE him contacting me anymore, and because it disgusts ME. Because I want to give my M a fighting chance, and this is the way to do it. I'm not sending the letter FOR HIM at all, really. I'm not sending it to appease him.

And yes, every little thing seems to knock him back down to ground level. And I want to be understanding of the set backs-- but at this point, I really feel 95% of the blame lies with OM for the continued contact in the face of the fact that I have asked him to not contact me. I never sent a formal NC letter-- but I have expressed to him that it is over, and I want nothing to do with him. Now the formal NC letter-- with a threat of RO comes into play. Extreme? Yes. Necessary? Yes. I CAN'T DO THIS AGAIN. So I'm being extreme in making sure IT DOESN'T HAPPEN AGAIN.

I hate that somehow I am taking 95% of this and OM is getting off scot free. I tried to tell H that I wanted to be a unified front against OM. That I would do the "work"-- that isn't H's job... but if he would back me, we could be a unified front. Its not like I emailed OM or intiated contact in any way! I can't control what the idiot decides to do. The only thing I can do is take every reasonable step to ensure that it does not happen again. Hence the certified letter.

Was his reaction immature? Yes. I think he's an "act first, think later" kinda person. He's very emotional to begin with, and often acts out of emotion and not rational thinking to begin with. Not good to mix with this situation. As a good friend of mine said "he's no better than a PMSing 16 year old girl!"

I can't change him. I can only change me.

I thought maybe my time line for plan B would be altered after this weekend. But I guess what this showed me is that once again, he hasn't "really" changed. He's just expecting me (and situations I can't control) to change-- and once that happens, then he alters how he acts. But that isn't change. Change is what I've done. Change is you have a standard of behavior for yourself that you don't deviate from, NO MATTER WHAT. I've instituted that for myself. And when I feel the situation is going downhill to a point where I if I continue to participate I will violate those standards... I walk away. Period.

I'm tired of the rollercoaster. There's gonna be set backs. But they shouldn't set us as far back as day 1 each and every time. Especially if any reasonable person would assess things as GETTING BETTER. We return to ground zero with EVERY setback. And I'm tired of rebuilding from ground zero over and over again.

I'lll let you know how the letter sending goes. I'm scared it is just going to set OM off. But I guess I have my butt covered legally now.

TT

You are getting stronger by the minute aren’t you? I've got a big grin on my face right now at the thought that you have found your inner GODDESS and are putting her to action. This is the best chance for your happiness, and maybe you’re M as well. You’ve done allot, and it's time for your H to man up a little and show you what he can be.

I'll be checking in with you later on tonight to see how it went over. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Remember to walk away...

He's still flipping out about all of this. Blaming it ALL one me. He's really angry WITH ME... I understand he has a little bit of a right to be angry with me. But I feel like I'm unjustly bearing a lot of the blame here. He was just yelling at me and hung up on me. I am tired of him acting like a child and expecting to be treated like gold. Oh, but if I tried to behave the way he does anymore, he'd have a FIT.

I wanted to float and idea past some people here...

What if I ask him not to return to the house and not to talk to me until he can settle down and not freak out at the drop of a hat? That until he's willing to not be so angry WITH me that it is detrimental to the M at this point, that essentially we are sort of in a plan B?? I was thinking that if he drags this into tomorrow, I may think about this??

He has a right to be upset. He has a right to be angry. Even with me, a little. But, he's blowing this WAY WAY WAY out of proportion at this point, destroying all the progress we've made BECAUSE OF THE ACTIONS OF SOMEONE ELSE! That I didn't ask for, and didn't want. He's expending all of his effort destroying the progress in our M instead of doing something CONSTRUCTIVE.

I'm tired of him being destructive and expecting me to pick up the pieces. I'm tired of him behaving horridly and then blaming it on the past-- and giving the past as an excuse for his behavior now. As I remember, um, he's had 3 EA's too... so its not like his halo is all shiny.

I'm tired of broken promises and I'm tired of his whole "I'm trying" (but not really) spiel.

What do we think? He decides to be an [censored] tomorrow, I toss his [censored] out until he can behave? I need to take a more "proactive" stance against this immature behavior of his.

TT

TT, why do you keep making excuses for him? Do you deserve this? Does he really have the "right" to do any of this, each time, for as long as he has? Do you really foresee recovery with your H?

I know you're convinced he's not as bad as my H or whatever, and you've said he's cut back drinking or something like that, so you oppose the idea of alcoholic. Well now he's being a dry drunk. Call it what you want - your H is being a total jerk and you continue to go back in, only to take more lashings...

I don't have much in the way of suggestion here when it comes to your idea, except that we both know he's not going to respect your wishes - because he does not respect you! Short of changing the locks, we know you're not going to keep him out - and will that even do it?

I know you're trying and I know you want this. What I don't know is why it's OK for you that you endure all of his crap in the meantime.

TT,

This is meant for you, not your H, but he could benefit from "believing" it just the same.

A NC letter is important because it shows the BS that the WS means business. It is also important for the WS to have the feeling of making a commitment in writing to both recover the M and end contact.

BUT, the truth is, a NC letter is NOTHING to the OP unless the OP WANTS it to be.

Your letter was excellent. If the OM insists on being a stalker it will NOT be because your letter was not "strong" enough or because you did not make your point "clearly". It will be because he is an a$$.

Give yourself a break. Do NOT have a nervous breakdown because the OM can not control himself. If he contacts you again, it is NOT YOUR FAULT. You sound like you have accepted responsibility for the things that are your fault and this is NOT.

As an aside, and I hope you won't think this a TJ, my FWH did not send a NC letter because I did not realize he should at the time. By the time we did I do not think it would have been effective and besides, the OW does NOT read English. She continued to try to make phone contact for almost a month,till I answered the phone, told her I KNEW and not to call again. We still got some hang-up calls on the home phone for a while but that petered out.

I felt a bit of guilty pleasure when she called though because I got to SEE my husband reject her calls. And I got to hear her pitiful voice mails, broken English pleas for my H to call her. It gave me tremendous satisfaction to see her fail to any longer get my H's attention.

I wish your H could see it that way too.

Best wishes,
WH2LE

TT,

My reaction to your husband's "tantrums" would be what I do with the clients I work with. Here are some ideas:

I act as though they are not having a tantrum at all. I continue on without blinking an eye. If I have a topic to discuss, I strictly maintain that topic - if they choose to rant, I contribute only what I have to say with regard to MY topic, not theirs.

I go about my business. I might say something like, "When you are ready to talk more calmly, let me know." That's it. I do not engage, and just move on - I might straighten my desk, comment on the next thing on the agenda, move to the next topic, open up the next thing we were working on (or the next thing on the list, etc.). If it were in the home environment, I might engage another person on another task entirely, and completely disengage.

Often, the louder they get, the softer I talk. Usually, I will speak in a very calm, almost monotone voice, very soft - as though I am calming myself and not them. Drives them nuts at first, but it has been the single most effective thing I have found in my sessions. Especially with teenagers. The disengagement from the rants renders them ineffective, and extinguishes the behavior. The result is that they find a different, more effective communicative style.

For temper tantrums for very young kids, I utilize a "tantrum place". I actually tell them that they have permission to tantrum, but that they must have their fit in a specific spot. Once they go there, they can have their fit. I tell them to let me know when they are done, so we can play as soon as they are finished! (Then, I wait for the very first break in the screaming, and ask, "Are you done?" - if they scream again, I just say,"Sorry, thought you were done, let me know, you can go on with your fit."). Sooner or later, they are done. Then, at the very first sign of their being done, I smile sweetly, say, "Great! You're ready now! Let's do this, it will be great!" and I NEVER MENTION THE FIT. I don't pay attention when they are tantruming, and I don't reinforce them - I only pay attention WHEN THEY STOP. And as soon as they stop, I am sweet and kind and happy and la-la-la-la-la, let's have fun now. As long as they have their fit in the "fit place", they are fine and have PERMISSION. Once done, I don't hold it against them. This is the most effective extinguisher I have ever used - and works fast for any age.

What I'm getting at is this - tell him "I understand you're mad about __________. As soon as you are over it, let me know!" And DON'T ASK AGAIN. Don't engage him, don't ask, just wait. Once he is ready to talk like an adult, he can engage you. If he talks and communicates appropriately about his problems with you, then reinforce that by talking and communicating appropriately in return.

If you do otherwise, and allow yourself to be drawn into this game he plays, you are feeding a NEED IN HIM, and this need is not healthy. So don't feed it.

Change YOUR behavior, and his will also change.

I used my examples to give you some ideas - I hope you can figure out a way to adjust your own behavior to reduce his manipulative ways. Hope it helps!

SB

I sent the letter. Its like a load of bricks off my back. I sent, verbatim (well with the names replaced and the screen names taken out, obviously) the letter that schoolbus helped me revise. I cc'ed H's account. I have not heard from OM. Hopefully never will. Dont' know if he got it or not though because I didn't send till almost 6 pm.

Thanks for the encouragement WH2LE. I really appreciate it. I had never sent a NC letter because I didn't know about it at the time either. And because NC had been established, I didn't want to send one after the fact and open a can of worms. This contact therefore gave me that opportunity to send that letter. And I meant every word of it, actually. I needed help on how to word it best so that it made the strongest point, but the thoughts and emotions contained within are ALL mine.

SB-- thanks for your reply also. I have been working extra hard on these things you have mentioned. I will admit, I have a tendency to try to play the role of "rescuer"... which sadly enough I think has become an (exhausting and unhealthy) pattern in our relationship. He has a tantrum, and I try to "save" him.

I am VERY proud of my ability to control my own emotions anymore. If anything, I have developed a poker face to beat all poker faces. I can be DYING inside and no one on the outside would know (I may break down later alone, but I'm good at maintaining that poker face when I need to). All AOs of mine have stopped. I don't even REMEMBER the last time I had an AO... and H has given me PLENTY of opportunities to have one.

One thing I'm working on-- I'm not perfect, nowhere close-- is being able to let him have his tantrum and not try to "save" him. I will admit, I'm bad at this. I've done a lot of self evaluation, and my conclusion was that my mom is/was a VERY emotional person, and her and my dad had a tumoltous marriage when I was little. My mom has a tendency to be a bit of a drama queen and would drag my brother and I into their arguments. I remember on PLENTY of occasions "comforting" my mom when she was upset with my dad. She still TO THIS DAY "expects" me to be mad at my dad and "choose" her side and "comfort" her when she's upset with my dad. I've translated this pattern to my own marriage in saving my H.

But its exhausting, and draining. And drains my LB so quickly, its ridiculous. Because typically, he recovers from his tantrum and goes on with life like nothing happened, while I'm left feeling drained and resentful that he "did the wrong thing" (tantrum) and then some how benefited (my help) and I get NOTHING when all I tried to do was the right thing.

So-- SB, I need to work more on what you said before. I need to learn to let go. That is the hardest part. Sitting by and watching him be miserable and have a tantrum... and not stepping in. I let it affect me, get to me, bother me.

I'm working on it, I know it is something that NEEDS more work. I am probably at about 25% of where I want to be.

I guess I get really upset by his constant breaking down of anything "good" we ever have and focusing on the bad. I am really disturbed that he is TOTALLY discounting our EXCELLENT weekend and Valentine's day... over a letter from OM that I didn't ask for and didn't want and didn't do anything to warrant him sending. That just boggles my mind and makes no sense to me. I seriously sometimes think he WANTS to be miserable! He rejects all things that would "make him feel better" and REVELS in things that make him miserable. I just don't get why he tortures himself.

I guess maybe part of it is my fault for encouraging that behavior... for trying to "save" him. I guess in a sick, demented, you are draining hte other person for your benefit kinda way, my "rescuing" him probably makes him "feel good". We had this pattern as an underlying thing before my A... but it has only gotten worse now because I feed into it more because of my guilt.

I guess I also struggle because while I am a WS... I am also a BS (although H doesn't see it that way... he's had 3 EA's... 2 before my A started...). And sometimes I don't know "how to behave". It is hard to be transparent, meet ENs, and yet at the same time give him some tough love when he needs it. Its a very delicate balance... very hard. And he knows I struggle with it...and I get the littlest bit off my game and he gives me a sucker punch.... Its a hard tightrope to walk.... Also, H refuses to recognize his own behaviors (many of which are still being displayed now... and are prevalent in this thread... some others that aren't mentionend here, but are elsewhere in my other thread...) that contributed to the environment leading to the A. He has found ways to "dismiss" all of this in his head as "ok". As something that doesn't need to be worked on from his side.

He started again tonight with the whole depressing stuff with the relationship. At this point it is almost like the boy that cried wolf. He has for the past SEVEN MONTHS now giving me this sob story about he doesn't know if he wants to commit to this marriage. Now his story has changed to "he had committed" but now this ruined it all. Hmmmm... if he committed, I think I missed it and so did everyone else on this board... plus, um, he forgot to tell me! He says he needs to think... that he doesn't know what he wants... blah blah blah. Sadly enough, most of this BS babble doesn't even bother me as much as it used to. It used to really get to me. Not so much anymore. I'm just kinda like, um, if you were gonna leave, wouldn't you ahve done it by now?? But you haven't... so what, you are either

A. Waiting for me to "screw up" so you can pin the blame on me to make yourself feel better and then run away
or
B. Reveling in "punishing" me and the sick "control" it gives you.

Either way, its sad.

OK, I'm done with my journal diatribe. Sorry so long. I'll keep you guys updated on what happens with the letter and H.

Schoolbus, I'm really working on this approach of yours to his hissy fits. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Gonna try my hardest to apply it tonight...

TT

Last night, H offered to bring me dinner from the place where he was eating before he went to poker with the boys. I took him up on his offer. Well- at 11:15 pm last night (he's usually home by then), I called him. I was starving, I hadn't ate dinner yet... so I called him. He's still playing poker (and he actually was, I could hear his guy friends in the background). I asked him when he was going to leave, because I was starving and tired. He said "hopefully in a little". I asked him to please just leave within the next 10 minutes or so (this IS 11:15 on a WEDNESDAY!) so I could have my dinner and we could go to bed. He says "we'll see" and says he'll text me. Where he plays poker is also about a half an hour from where we live.

Well, I hear nothing from him until MIDNIGHT... when I get another text that says "just lost a big hand". I was mad before that, but then I was LIVID. I thought what he was doing was so rude. He had been there for HOURS, he offered to bring me DINNER... and last time I checked, DINNER ISN'T AT 1 IN THE MORNING! I was hungry, I had ask VERY NICELY for him to please just exit the game and come home (he plays EVERY WEDNESDAY with the SAME GUYS so its not like this was something special...). But no... he decides to be an a$$.

He gets home at 12:45. Crawls into bed. Says nothing. I think I asked him how his night was and why the game was so long, that was it. I was tired, and still very angry at his inconsideracy.

So, this morning, I VERY CALMLY tell him that what he did the prior night hurt me and upset me. Well he started with another tantrum... and I got sucked in. I will admit I stood up on my soapbox a bit. I didn't lose my temper, but I did probably "lecture" a bit. I just really don't get how he can be so INTENTIONALLY hurtful of someone and just carry on with life like nothing is wrong. How he can't see how much pain he is causing... and why he JUST DOESN'T CARE. I just really don't get it.

I left for work in a hurry, I was so angry and upset. I have done NOTHING WRONG this week AT ALL. He is doing nothing but INTENTIONALLY trying to hurt me AGAIN. All he was doing last night was trying to "make a point". There was NO REASON why he couldn't have played one last hand of cards and left with my dinner-- like I asked him. It was f'ing 11:20 by the time I got off the phone with him, for peat's sake!

He's so vengeful and holding a grudge... still. I can't take anymore of this torture. He hasn't grown up at all. This is the stuff he used to pull with me ALL THE TIME before my A. And, really, is it any SMALL WONDER why there was NOTHING AT ALL left in my LB? He is VERY immature in dealing with his emotions.

At this point, I'm very angry I'm being "punished" very harshly for something that WAS NOT MY FAULT. I'm tired of being manipulated. And I'm just plain tired and drained right now.

I sent the letter yesterday. I also blocked OM's email from emailing my account (the IT guy helped me set that up). Wish I would have known how to do that a week ago... if I would have, I guess this would have never happened. Oh well. There won't be any more emails at all, ever from him in my account.

So... now I need to write my plan B letter. H has drained me so much with his constant destruction of our relationship. At this point, I halfway think he's just nitpicking to try to find a reason to blame this all on me and just quit. I don't know where I am going to go or what I am going to do. I would rather HIM leave the house, but I'm not so sure I can arrange that or he would be willing to do that. We'll see.

Now onto plan B... I'm not sure how to write a plan B letter for me in the face of this disaster.

Do you guys think I am still wise going to plan B in the beginning of March-- after this fiasco? I mean, I guess maybe if he had reacted APPROPRIATELY... maybe we could think about extending the time line, but he's just used this as an opportunity to beat me down mentally and emotionally... again.

So drained... so tired... I really am starting to hate my H now.

TT

TT
Ive read every post you have put on this board.

I keep reading your posts and this becomes so clear each time a situation presents itself between you and your H.

I told you shortly after you started posting I have lived your life and you keep presenting it over and over with each situation between you and your H.

The links below are exactly what I am talking about. It is an extremely hard pattern to break and requires time, patience and hard work. It can be done.

Most of this pattern is from your whole life time of experience.


http://lynneforrest.com/html/the_faces_of_victim.html


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karpman_drama_triangle


http://www.ta-tutor.com/ztatutor.html

Scroll down to Karpman tri-angle

What worries me most-for you-with all of this-is that even by totally seperating from your H (temporarily or permanently) you will still be the same person and will continue the pattern into another R even if its a long time down the road.

That isn't real promising is it?

There are ways out if you search hard enough.

Rocky

Rocky--

I am a classic rescuer if there ever was one-- and of course that leads me into victimhood a lot. It was very hard for me to read. H vacillates between persecutor and victim... more often persecutor.

I am just so exhausted anymore. I'm trying to take responsibility for myself, and ONLY myself. I'm not great at it. At least I'm AWARE of it at this point. It needs much more work. Much much. From me.

So tired...

TT

Wanted to add one more thing.

Thanks, Rocky. You are one of the very, very few people that have actually stuck with me through this. A lot of other people have branded me "hopeless" and have checked out of my threads.

You may 2x4 me a lot-- but you've also given me a PLETHORA of very, very useful information. And I'm working hard on myself. I'm not happy with it right now, I'm not even close to where I want to be. I'll get there. Baby steps. Won't happen over night.

And if my M does crumble (which it seems more and more each day this might occur)... I have already decided that I need a lot of time to work on myself before I become involved in another relationship. To sit back and evaluate, to make sure that I understand my role in all of this... so I don't repeat these things.

I just want to be the best person I can be... and have the best M possible. I married my H for life... for better or worse, but not for abuse. I can't take much more of this.

I've lost almost 10 lbs in the past month... not really trying... just not eating very well and using the gym as an outlet a lot. 5 or so more lbs and I'll be considered underweight for my height. I'm tired, run down, and exhausted. I feel like I'm constantly on guard... everytime things turn a corner, H finds SOME reason to knock us back down to ground level.

Just can't take much more. Really starting to resent and hate H for the treatment and his inability to self-evaluate.

TT

I'm confused TT. Your thread mentions you considering Plan B. Plan B is designed for a BS to use after a good Plan A, when the WS is still in an active affair.

Is your BH in an active affair????

Hi SMB--

My sitch is very complicated... my original thread has fallen to the second page and is like 20 pages long...

To make a (very) long story short:

H worked out of town for 2 years. I felt very neglected during this time period. He usually wouldn't bother to call and acted like I was a huge inconvenience to him while he was out of town. He spent, at most, about 48 hours a week at home. During this time period, he had 2 EA's which I did not find out about until after my A. They may or may not have been PAs also, he claims no-- but he's lied about a lot in the past, so I don't necessarily trust that and have no way to "find out" now because these happened almost 3 years ago with people that live far away and have very plain names "think Ann Smith" and have miraculously disappeared, according to H. I've come to peace with the fact that I'll never know for sure.

I began my EA in June of '06. In July, this progressed to us kissing once, and then becoming more physical once (later that week when we got together to "talk" about the kiss... what an idiot I was...). There was no actual intercourse involved.

I confessed to H three days later. He wanted to work on things. I was foggy. Very, very foggy. I was in the house until mid-October of 06. I caught H lying to me about a series of things (which was one of my other major problems pre-A), and he also had a series of pretty bad AO (another issue) which caused me to give up and move out. (not right, I know).

Found out Dec 3rd that H had started an affair of his own with someone he had met on the internet and lived 3K miles from us. He had gone to visit her, taken her flowers, mailed her flowers with a sappy (barf) card and a little cute nickname for her, called her everyday, several times a day... met her family, taken her out on dates... when I found out he lied to me for 5 days straight about it (I kept digging up more details) until I talked to her and she gave me the REAL truth. He was lying to her too... put himself on a dating site as single, told her he was divorced, and was moving out there with her... I was out of the house, still in my EA admittedly... but this was a shock. He started with her just 3 days after I moved out of the house. Quick to try to replace me for someone that wanted so bad to save the marriage.... I guess I was bitter because he went out SEARCHING for it too... He went out and put himself on a dating site and was LOOKING for this. He WANTED it before it even HAPPENED! I am still hurt and upset over that, even if it probably wouldn't have happened if my A wouldn't have happened-- it still hurts. He tells me I deserved it. I was supposed to move home the weekend he lied to me and went out to see her. He picked a fight with me and told me he didn't want me to move home anymore. I didn't understand it at the time... but hindsight is 20/20. He was going out with someone else...

That was a huge blow to me... I didn't move home after I found that out... I continued the EA portion until spring 07-- (arg, hard to admit). I began trying to separate myself from OM in April-ish?? Although, I will admit at first I didn't do a good job at all, and several times reinitiated contact, usually when I was mad at H.

Ended all contact with OM (verbally, still hadn't found this site) in May-June 07. OM continued to contact me, and I didn't respond. Moved back home in late June-July.

Broke my arm in August very badly. H was working long hours, ended up staying with a friend a lot so she could help me with day-to-day things while H wasn't around to help.

H "gave up" on our marriage in September after OM did not give up trying to contact me (I stopped answering him ALL TOGETHER in June-- hence the stern NC letter now). H gave up entirely. Started saying "ILYBINILWY... he doesn't know if he wants this marriage, blah blah blah". A lot of very WS sounding babble. He's very mean and cold towards me. This hissy fit is just ONE in a long line of hissy fits he has anymore. He refuses to work on the marriage. Sat in MC and flat out told the MC that he REFUSES to do ANYTHING at all for this marriage until he figures out "if this is what he wants". He threatens about daily to leave and move away without me. He constantly throws the affair in my face. And accepts no responsibility for his-- all three of them are my fault-- and his are OK because mine was much worse. He has re-written our ENTIRE marital history to be one of horrid doom and gloom where we were NEVER happy and nothing good EVER happened. Really-- if you read WS babble (or if I think about my own!)-- what he says and does is NOT all that un-similar. I just don't have evidence of an A.

This has been the state of our marriage SINCE SEPTEMBER. SEVEN MONTHS of him treating me this way.. and the ILYBINILWY... and the constant threatening to give up, etc etc. Its exhausting. I am really singly keeping this together while all he does is TRY to destroy it. I would be fine with doing all the work, if he would at least agree to not constantly find reasons to destroy it all and throw a fit and put us back at ground zero. Oh-- and I've caught him lying to me again several times about things in the past 7 months too. No A stuff though.

At this point, he's using my guilt against me for his own benefit. He's really manipulating me and the situation. Occasionally he can be nice. He does that to keep me around. And then flies of the handle again and situations like this happen again. According to him, I am solely responsible for his misery.

I've snooped all over creation and can find NO EVIDENCE of a current A. Although, I do not have access to his work email account (or very rarely do). I have poured over cell records, etc. He doesn't go out without me that much.

If you read through my original thread-- a lot of how he treats me anymore is really emotional abuse. He's very manipulative and hurtful-- and pretty much over and over again justifies his behavior by saying I hurt him in the past so he's entitled to do this now.

At this point, I was going plan B until he's ready to commit to making this the marriage it can/could be-- and at least WORK towards a future. I know I have a lot of work to do. I have a ton. Probably more than him. But I feel like I am building blocks for us for our future, and all he ever does is knock them down, over and over. And its exhausting.

Every incident is a HUGE ordeal and its ALWAYS me extending the olive branch. And once he's mad, he just treats me however he sees fit. He's really using my guilt and my A to his advantage anymore-- to keep control.

That is what my plan B is about. Because his behavior anymore is destroying me. I can't handle it anymore (I have a few pretty desperate posts in my other thread). I am really starting to resent how he just constantly breaks me down and hurts me, and then looks me in the face and says I deserve it.

I am working hard to fix my half. But you can't fix a M when only one person is working on it...

Sorry this was kinda long. I tried to keep it short... anyways, you can see my thread for more details. It's fallen to the second page now. A lot of ups and downs in there.

TT