Hey, thanks...I did see your post but I've been nursing sick kiddies and husband for the last two weeks!
Yesterday was a good day. My husband stayed home from work and we managed to get alot done at home. Simple stuff...nothing heavy. And, the best part was that something controversial came up regarding a hot topic between us and the "potential" argument was avoided and we had a very productive conversation. And, I didn't even go back to every problem we have being about her. I realize this, other than forgiveness, will be my greatest challenge.
As for my situation, I believe it stopped because I hit the wall emotionally and he finally saw what it was doing to me. He really did not beleive, originally, there was such a thing as an EA and that it could make me feel so betrayed. Then, on top of it all, she started doing a few desperate things like ambushing his mom late one night and a little light bulb went off. I call it his "Oprah moment". We had a really long talk one night and I basically told him that he needed to make a choice. His friendship with her was toxic to our marriage. If he was a guy and was causing the same mess, I would ask that this friendship be stopped too. You have to realize when so much damage is being done and weigh out the good/bad. We talked alllllll night in October and laid out the possibilities. It was with me or without...no other options. He began imagining life without me and the kids on a daily basis and it was the dealbreaker. I really think he simply got "caught up" in this thing with OW and it really got a hold of him good. Was it romantic? Not in the basic sense, but I would be lying if I told you he was not attrated to her -- he was. But he says it was not in a physical sense...he had some type of "connection". His word - not mine! The part I still struggle with some days is that I think if she was just a girl who did not profess her undying love and devotion for him, he'd still enjoy being a comfortable work friend. I could have accepted this, but it got tainted and very quickly. Her husband left her and within six weeks she was divorced, changed her name back to maiden name and was proclaiming her undying love to my husband. Seems quick and reboundish to me! My husband felt badly for her and was hesitant to be too harsh with her, but I kept telling him, as did others, that her attachment to him was strange and too quick and that she still had not healed from her own husband heartache and had not reconcilled that situation yet. So, we see...

Just a quick thought about the purchase of furniture. Basically, because I am a stay at home mom, the house is my office. I don't go to my husband's office and move his stuff around so he rarely does it here. If we're going to mkae a big purchase such as a couch or significant piece of furniture, we do it together. But, I've learned that getting my way is not always the best method. So what if he likes a dark cherry table and I don't...it's his house too so I just smile and say "sure". I choose my battles....furniture is not one that means enough to me. But, one thing we have going in our favor is the fact that our tastes are quite similar. Except for his complete love affair with the color white! Come on, show some excitement please!!! Anyway, because marriage is a complete full time job, this aspect I don't make such a big deal of. A long time ago he commented that I don't listen to his opinion regarding the house and it annoyed him. My original reaction was to say "so, what's your point?" but I zipped my lip and smile! It's easier sometimes.
Are you really in California? I never know what's real or not online?

Oooh, I'm so excited to hear that your potential argument turned into a productive talk. That is awesome!

If you can't tell from that sentence, yes, I really am in California <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Are you in California too?

No, nothing all that exciting! I'm in Pennsylvania. Snow, ice, rain...you know, all the good stuff! However, California sounds great to me!

I know I'm late to the game, but maybe my perspective would help. Three things about men:

1) Many of us like to fix things. Not people, but things. It's a conundrum, because you cannot fix people, and fixing things keeps people from fixing themselves. I could see myself wanting to help, like your H did.

2) Men often do not understand the emotions of women, nor the idea of transference. When we try to help people, we can be blind to the emotional fallout we create. The OW felt overwhelmed, your H (knight in shining armor) rushed in, and the OW saw him as the answer to all her problems. This is a very important point. Earlier you said that either he was dumb or honestly thought he was doing nothing wrong. I'd vote for both. He thought nothing was wrong BECAUSE he was dumb! He did not see himself in an EA, and was clueless to what was going on from HER end. One difference between your H and myself, perhaps, is I trust my DW completely on these matters. If DW says to me, "That woman is flirting with you, stay away from her" I do it. The last thing I want is more emotional attachments to people I have not made any promises to.

3) Men often have unmet needs for admiration. After you have been married a while, you get used to the wonderful qualities of your spouse, and perhaps take them for granted. It's possible your H was pleasantly surprised by the admiration the OW gave.

In this situation, I think that respect and honesty are called for. Say EXACTLY what you mean, and what is bothering you. I don't think the funeral is what bothered you so much as the fact that this woman is no friend to the marriage. Say that. Also, your H needs to be radically honest as well. He needs to say why he wants to stay in contact with her when it hurts you. What is he getting out of it? How can the two of you make sure he gets that without her.

YMMV

That was super. It's nice to hear it from a man's point of view. It almost seems as if you know H. He's really not a bad guy, just at a bad stage where his kindness was squandered and manipulated. I believe, very early on, that she knew exactly what she was doing. I also believe, very early on, he did not. I can't help but stress enough...if this was simply a work related friendship and she did not start professing undying love/devotion, I would have been more ok with it than I was. I saw it right from the start. H didn't even know what an EA was! He needs to watch Oprah a bit more!! I believe he has very wide open eyes right now, but we're on different levels as to our opinion as to OW's destructive nature. How long does it take for her to understand? I suppose, as long as it takes for him to be firm. But, how do you combat the fact that he thinks firm=mean? He's not a mean person but as far as I'm concerned, he's waffling. I think I'll show him your post...he'll appreciate that there may be someone else out there that "gets" what he originally intended.

Mr. Goodwrench, thank you for an excellent post! After reading it I asked my husband casually if he felt he had a need for admiration and he said yes. Then I asked if he felt like it was getting met and he said no! I do admire my husband, but I guess I don't really let him know enough so I will be working on that. I did share with him some thoughts I had the other day about how naturally charismatic he is and he really appreciated that. I take the bus to and from work, so when I'm walking I have some time for random thinking, but by the time I get home I'm busy thinking about getting dinner organized, so the thoughts never get transmitted.

Fiori, I hate to tell you this but today in CA it was sunny and about 78 degrees. You should get hubby to bring you out for a little getaway <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Last April I spent a week in LA, got around using the the Big Blue Bus. People in CA are friendly, maybe too friendly. One woman asked me if I was a tourist. I told her that I was, and she asked me how I liked LA. I told her it was great, really liked the weather, there was practically no humidity.

She said, that was the problem, humidity cleanses your soul <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> Lack of humidity was the reason that everyone in LA was crazy.

I told her that I must have the cleanest soul in LA <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Gee, I wonder where you went?!?!? It's "me!" Glad you came here for more pro marriage advice. I don't have time this morning but I will try and re-read up on your stitch and check in later.

Have a great day!

"ME" who?

Let's just say I know what message board you were on before this one. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Did you send the other woman here? I hope she does come because the people here are more understanding.

Hey snugglefresh...
I was just checking in to see that all is well with you. WE're having a great weekend. Lots of events with our children, who continue to be our cement! That, and the fact that when you remove outside influences, we actually enjoy each other's company. I'm a bit nervous for tomorrow because the outside influence returns to work after a month away. My H has been great but I dont' always trust her. That "out of sight, out of mind" thing works great but I'm afraid when she returns the "sleeping giant" will be awoken. Yes, I know....if there's no interest from H part her influence is a moot point, but I'm not emotionally there yet. I just wait for the other shoe to drop. I'm wondering how long it takes to feel secure again. I'm wondering if I ever will. We were always "that couple". The one who everyone used as a measuring stick for happiness. This enables me to be a bit "cocky" as to our security and I'm sure this is where my part of the "ball dropping" occurred. I just never thought....
So, we move "us" to the front burner and we move forward. I still need for someone to make a vacuum for the brain -- I need some thoughts erased.
By the way...do you know who the previous post is from? I'm not sure who this is but they seem to know me. I hope your weekend is going well. And, the 78 degree comment was simply cruel LOL!

Hi fiori! Thanks for checking <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I hope the last half of your weekend was as great as the first half! It is so nice to get that good quality time with husband and family.

I will be keeping my fingers crossed that all goes smoothly this week at your husband's work. Hopefully in time you'll get back that secure feeling. I think you will. You are right not to trust that woman and it sounds like your husband has realized that too. It's natural to get a little freaked out when someone breaks your trust like that. Then it takes time to figure out what is the right amount of caution to have and what is too much. You don't want to overreact or underreact. Ultimately though you'll be wiser and then you'll be even MORE "that couple"! Hee, hee!

My weekend was so busy! Saturday was our social day (work event in the morning and friend's party in the evening). Sunday was our work day (meeting for a side project and housework for me, open house for husband). My poor husband got a touch of food poisioning at the party Saturday night, so he has been feeling a little off all day today. He wasn't even hungry for dinner <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Tonight we did get in some good quality time just talking though. One of my issues is splitting up the housework (basically getting him to help more) and getting things done around the house. For some weird reason, me nagging him does not work! LOL! So we are going to try planning together what to do every week. We're going to start tomorrow night by making a big list. It was nice to be able to talk about this and not fight about it.

Oh, I don't know who that post is from, but I haven't been on this board for a very long time. Maybe she posts under a different name on the other board you went to?

I dont' see any evidence of others jumping here. But, your secrecy concerns me....how do we know you're not one of the meanies?

Housework...yeah! It's always fun trying to figure that one out. I don't usually ask H for help, as I'm a stay/home mom and really do ok doing the lions share on my own. About twice a year things get away with me and he steps in and helps me get a handle on things. It's amazing watching him do some things...he's so thorough because it's not something he does on a daily basis. Just moving the furniture to vacuum! Yeah when that gets done. Or, vacuuming the steps...this is his pet peave so I let him do it. I just don't have the interest in going over each step multitudes of times.
Do you both work full time? If so, it's really important that you both figure out who does what...no where does it say that since you're a woman, you should do the housework.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Yes, we both work full time so we need to find a way to share the housework. The problem is my husband's trigger level for when a household chore needs to be done and my trigger level are waaaay off, so I end up doing most of the housework because it bugs me first. It's not like I didn't know this before we got married. I'd seen that his sink was always full of dirty dishes when we were dating. My glimmer of hope is that I know he really likes when the house is clean. And he does think he should could contribute to maintaining the house. He just doesn't like it when it seems to him that I am the boss telling him what to do, which I only do because it seems like he has no idea what housework needs to be done ... LOL! So we are going to try having basically a "team meeting" like at work, where we together make a list of what needs to be done and then divide up the work. Don't know if it'll work, but I gotta keep trying!

Something that I initated recently is the 30-minute rule. We all clean for 30 minutes a day, and then stop, and live our lives. I get to tell D17 what work to do, but if H participates, he can do whatever he wants, LOL. But 30 minutes a day is very doable, and doesn't seem like much, but you'd be amazed how much you can get done! And after a couple weeks, the picking up is already taken care of, so you can start going after the baseboards and hard stuff.

ETA I had a friend who made her whole family clean - every Saturday morning. All morning. Every week. The whole family. That's the only time they cleaned, but man that house was spotless! I never could do it because I felt too guilty at robbing D17 of Saturday morning cartoons, LOL.

Heh heh, well for starters my name is not Deb! I will send you an e-mail. I just have been so busy I haven't had time. I did post to you on your other thread. I am so glad you came here. I NEVER let anyone there know about this site unless I see someone getting beaten up. They can be very helpful over there for other situations but not when it comes to affairs. They beat up both WS and BS.

Thank you...sometimes I just want to reach into my computer and pull people away from the assault. They think they're being helpful, but it's not what people are looking for. Love to be her friend! NOT!
Anyway, it has been very helpful here. I feel compassion where I only felt sadness before. Thanks. I did try to email another who was getting attacked but she has not responded. I see her still getting bashed and I don't understand why she stays for the abuse. Sometimes when you feel you don't have any other options, something is better than nothing. I'm greatful to you.

Thanks for the tip catperson! I don't think I would be able to motivate myself to do cleaning all Saturday morning, but 30 minutes a day seems very doable. We talked last night and laid out all the things that we would like to get done, regular cleaning and special projects, and agreed that on Friday after work we would plan out cleaning for the next week. My husband was considering a plan similar to your friend's Saturday morning thing, only he was going to do all his yard work Sunday morning. In practice, I think it will get moved around because sometimes he works on Sundays or meets friends for coffee. We'll see!

Fiori and suamico, I don't know about this other board you guys go to, it sounds scary ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />