Well, snuglefresh...if you want a good verbal lashing let me know and I'll hook you up. They make cuddling a new puppy seem like a horrific thing to do!
Happy dusting!!

Inertia comes into play for me. When things are clean, I tend to want to keep them clean. When it's a mess, I just add to the pile. This w/e we cleaned out our closet. Monday I woke up, looked in the closet, thought I was in the wrong house!

We tend to go at cleaning hammer and tongs on Sat mornings, but that's not how we want to spend it. We try to get it done somewhat during the week, but always busy. This week we started with a clean house, we'll see how it goes.

Something else I read once said to spend 5 minutes when you get home from work, school, whatever, just putting away. Not cleaning, just putting things where they belong. I know in my house that is the big issue. We drop stuff on the kitchen counter, table, coffee table, stairs, bed, dresser, instead of taking the extra 30 seconds to put something where it belongs. Like the 30-minute rule, but just to declutter. I've been thinking about doing that before everyone goes to bed, which might be more workable, since we're all in the same place at the same time.

Does anyone go to flylady.net? People keep recommending it for getting your life under control, but I never have the time to sit down and navigate it. Maybe I'll work on that.

Also, a couple of people here say that they rent out dumpsters once a year or so, and then have the whole family empty out all the unneccessary stuff in their lives. They park the dumpster in your driveway, you fill it up, and they haul it away. I told MrCat I was going to do that this summer, trying to get him warmed up to the idea, since 90% of all the junk in our house is his.

All the junk in our house belongs to H. He has kept things that no one person should have! My one neighbor thought I was moving because I cleaned the attic last Spring...lots of stuff is gone and no one is the wiser. And, add two kids who are also savers and we've got trouble.
But, since I'm a tosser, there are some times I appreciate the H saving because it's nice to look back...sometimes.

I've got a bit of that saver in me too. We started an annual neighborhood garage sale a couple years ago and that has helped me do a purge once a year, but it is amazing how much stuff we accumulate even in that short time!

Last night the H asked me to be patient with him. Exactly what am I being patient for? Didn't he cultivate the toxic friendship that broke MY heart? What am I waiting for ?

Sounds like you are not having such a great day <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I hope things will get better soon.

I'm kind of confused as to why your husband would say this. It seems like you ARE being pretty patient. What more does he want?

You're the only one who can answer the question of what you are waiting for. What do you think the answer might be?

Well, I think he's getting a bit 'tired' of my constant questions. What he does not realize is that every moment of every day this is on my mind. Until he either gets a new job or she moves to Alaska I'm not going to begin the complete phase of recovery. He does realize this, but I think it's frustrating from his stand point too. He's incredibly disappointed with himself and is in the phase of his own recovery where he's trying to understand the "why" of it all. I don't know the why from his perspective. I do know that we simply became too lazy about what we did for each other. Our kids took center stage, his job infiltrated our family time and we both just let it go. So, now we got a real kick in the pants and we need to move forward..either together or not. I believe it will be together, and so does he, but the timing is stinky. I want to wake up and realize I had a horrific nightmare. It's actually so weird to be 'us' right now. We both seem so tentative with each other. I try to NOT talk about my feelings all the time, but it's not easy. H is dealing with alot of guilt and shock and this is not easy with our repair. I'm getting impatient because I think he should be wooing me back. This was never really his style, but I think he needs to step out of his comfort zone and step it up a bit. Do you think I'm being unreasonalbe?

I think you should brainstorm - together - new ways for you to reconnect. Now that you're older, maybe more financially stable or more mature, what would you do together for fun? Sounds like you need to have fun back in your lives. I was telling someone that I check the local websites and papers and look for local things going on that you wouldn't normally think of doing, like high school plays (not their dances, ugh!), college ball games, amateur theaters, new parks in the area for picnics, new sports like model sailboats or skating or tennis or street hockey, go to open houses, wine tastings...tons of stuff out there that doesn't get much press but can be very fun for the whole family. Get your passion back in your life.

Hi fiori! Hope you and your family are having a nice weekend.

I don't think you are being unreasonable, but making demands isn't going to help you get back the security you want. I don't think you would want your husband wooing you back just because he feels like he has to or you'll be mad. It sounds like your husband is going through a lot of mental anguish right now so it is probably hard for him to be in woo-mode (I like that word!) ... you know how men can only work on one problem at a time <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I like catperson's ideas for finding new activities to do together, so do give him some hints about what he can do to woo you and be patient if he can't manage it all right away. Don't just ask him to woo you without giving him guidance on what that means to you.

Be patient too with your relationship. He has hurt you badly and as in any relationship, when something like this happens, both people will feel awkward for a while, but eventually it goes away. Did you ever have a fight with a close friend? I think it's something like that. At first you will both feel weird and wonder if the other person is still mad and walk on eggshells since you don't want to say or do the wrong thing. In time though you get back that comfort level and gradually things get back to normal one day without you even realizing it.

Hi, Fiori!

Hope you and your H are doing better.
I don't want to hurt your feelings, but by him asking you to be patient with him, it sounds like he has some unresolved feelings toward OW. It's called the "fog". Plus, he's dealing with the shame and guilt.

You're not being unreasonable. It's perfectly normal, the feelings you have, based on the situation. Your H has taken what belongs to you exclusively as his wife and shared it with someone else. Just because it was emotional, doesn't negate that it was a betrayal. For some people, that it was emotional hurts as bad as if there was had been a physical element.

Cat is on target with her advice. In fact, Dr Harley recommends that couples spend a minimum of 15 hours of time alone together each week. Have you been able to read up on the articles on this site? There's a lot of excellent advice for bringing the WS out of the fog and restoring the M, making it stronger than ever.

Btw, so glad to see the NC in place.

My advice to you is to make yourself and your home as warm and inviting as possible. If you can get him to do the emotional needs and love busters questionnaires that would be great. Then new activities that you do together can meet both of your emotional needs and fill up the love bank.

Also, if talking about it constantly seems to be a love buster for him at this time, then you'll have to avoid it as much as you can. For the time being, can you write down your questions in a notebook and ask him if he write his answers back. That way, it gives you both some space to think. Writing it out is quite therapeutic. Takes the pressure off of him to give you a verbal response that might not come out the way he means it.

Remember, no love busting. 15 hours a week together as couple time. Make yourself and your home warm and inviting.
Continue reading here.

(((((hugs))))
&
<<<<prayers>>>

Jewel

Hey Jewel...
Things here are ok. Last night we sat at the kitchen table and did the questionnaires. He was under the impression that this would cause a fight, but it really worked out well. I had done mine earlier in the day and I waiting for him to finish his. Then, we had a four hour long discussion as to what it means. He feels like he "failed" the test, but I attempted to get him to realize it was not a test, just a tool for future growth....I think he understands. He did say that he did not realize how much he was neglected ME through our marriage and that he now sees the importance of both being on the same page. Hmmm...
Anyway, the only problem we've encountered is this wretched NC. He believes that if it was an EA (which he says it only was), that by sending the letter you give it more due than it deserves. I get what he's saying but I've insisted anyway. I hesitate to "wake a sleeping giant", but you got to do what you got to do! So, he's stayed home this morning to work on his resume, do some email and write a letter. We'll see how this all works out. Keep those hugs and prayers comming! Also, have you ever looked up hicktownmommy? She's struggling too and you seem to be a nice voice of reason.

Hey fiori! I'm glad to hear that you and your husband are getting on the same page about each others needs. Those questionnaires are so helpful!

Hi fiori! Are you still around? Just wanted to check in and see how you are doing.

SF,
I was thinking about you today. I'm afraid I'm not so good at navigating the new site yet. Actually, I was pretty dismal at the old one! I guess I should activate the email response thing so I know when someone has posted to me!
All is pretty well here. This past weekend marked the one year anniversary of the first time H made a choice to NOT honor our relationship. I was really apprehensive about going into this weekend as there were soooo many bad memories. Easter should be joyous, but it was a drag. But, once again, I proclaimed "happy saturday" and did not dwell on the awful. Friday was tough because I found out that H called OW and left a messege on her home phone (while she was at work) re-affirming that under NO circumstances should she call our home or his cell any longer. This weekend was the first since her mom died and her b-day. All reasons why she would have called in the past. Anyway, I was really hurt and angry that he called, but a few others have indicated that I should be hopeful that he took charge...blah blah blah..I'm working on that one. But, other than that little blip, it was a good weekend. We even managed to have a very productive and civilized conversation about OW two days in a row. No crying, no arguing, no unkind words...Then, Monday night as we were raking leaves, he thanked me for my constant perseverence and the fact that I jumped through hoops of flames to bring him out of his fog. He apologized again for being so selfish...So, I'm hopeful but cautious. I'm not sure she is done with him yet, but most of the time I do believe he's done with her. I found another posting on here from the WS perspective and I printed it for him to read. I think this will help him to see that he's not a bad person, he just did a bad thing! I almost see the fog lifting...
We'll see where it goes.
So, how are you? You were sooo instrumental in the beginning of my issues here so I hope all is well in your world.
D

Hi fiori! I'm still trying to get used to the new site as well, so I totally understand. It always takes me awhile to rewire my old habits :p

I am really happy to hear your husband acknowledging you directly. It sounds like he really is starting to understand what you have been going through and what inner strength it has taken for you to keep the marriage together. Your marriage is going to be stronger than ever, I just know it.

Things with me have been pretty good. Yesterday my husband actually asked me if I would like to do the dinner dishes together! He has really been helping a lot more and making time to just sit and talk with me. I used to worry about how things would be if/when we start a family (like how much I would resent it if I ended up doing all the work), but now when I think about it I am able to see us really sharing the load.