Ok something came up on VD and it's been bugging me ever since and I'm not sure if I should talk with my wife about it. She was reading a thread about VD on one of the boards that she's a member of and it was about victoria secrets, and how ine lady was upset that the one was closed.

After she gets done reading it she makes the comment that "why anybody in the world would spend money there for valentines day is beyond me". Now, normally I wouldn't care less about such a comment but when she was invovled in her affair, she made sure to go and purchase such stuff and made sure she was "sexy" enough for the OP.

Im not sure if I should explain to her how I feel or just let it go, so I guess I'm just looking for advice.

JDK,

I would say that it depends on what you are hoping to accomplish by discussing it with her.

Are you looking to just let her know that it was a trigger for you?

Are you looking to negotiate never mentioning that store again until further notice?

Or maybe neither of those fit and you have a goal of your own?

Frozen I guess that's why I haven't said anything yet, I really don't want to accomplish anything out of it. I just don't understand it, why make a comment like that when she did the same thing for someone else. No hidden goals I'm just the type that needs understanding and answers.

Nothing wrong with that.

How long ago was D-Day?

Are the two of you working with a MC?

How forthcoming has she been in answering any questions you have about the A thus far?

maybe she's disgusted with what she did and feels that anyone shopping there is doing the same disgusting things she was doing in her affair... I'd forget it so it doesn't cause you LBing her.

No real advice here, but this reminds me of something my ex pulled the other day... She and I were sitting at our daughter's school recital, and she started telling me about a coworker who started cheating on their spouse with another coworker, and how could people do that blah blah... And I just sat there flabbergasted, thinking "do you NOT remember that this is exactly what YOU did to ME???".

I dunno how they forget so easily, but somehow they do...

AGG

D-day was in aug of 03, no MC as my wife doesn't buy into that. We went once and that was because she wanted a "safe place" to tell me she had an affair. She does not and will not talk about the affair. I also believe that she is having an EA now but I don't think she understands it. She had recently received a xmas gift from a guy at work, I explained how uncomfortable I was about it to which she said she couldn't control what someone else does. I sorta put it in the back of my brain till she accidently called me by his name when we were on vacation.

AGG my wife makes comments like that also, I can't help to think who the ****** are you to be passing any kind of judgement on other people.

I would say something. But be careful how you say it. You want to make it about you and not her.

How can you be married to someone--how can you be emotionally intimate with someone when you do not share these kinds of feelings?? I believe we have a moral obligation of sorts--you owe it to her to let her in on your feelings...without judging her in a disrespectful way. If you do not foster these kinds of emotional intimacies, do not be surprised when your spouse looks for them elsewhere!

Did she buy her sexy things at VS or elsewhere? If it was elsewhere, the connection probably will not be made, plus bringing it up now, 5 days later, could be seen as a "picking a fight" type of action.

These triggers should be dealt with on the spot. Then, if need be, you can later "apologize" saying, sorry honey, I JUST SNAPPED!! when you said that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Now receiving a gift from another dude, and saying she can't control what other people do, could be responded to by telling her TO GIVE THE D&MN THING BACK!!

Your feelings must be paramount, and if she refuses because it will hurt the other guys feeling, THEN it is time for a come to Jesus meeting.

IMHO

kirk

Dr H's program requires openness and honesty in a marriage. You not sharing your feelings about this is you not be open or honest.

BUT you must share this information WITHOUT love busting. Which brings me to my second point.

I must disagree with krusht. These triggers should not always be dealt with on the spot. Sometimes it is necessary to NOT deal with them immediately, so as to ensure no love busting.

In our counseling with Jennifer, we addressed this exact issue. I was triggering often and having a very difficult time dealing with them.

Here are my notes from that session with Jennifer:




When FWS is open and honest about something that upsets me and I become triggered, I will:

1) Make it safe for him to be honest by saying, “Thank you for being honest.”

2) Run to the bathroom to process the information. The “rush” of adrenaline that physiologically comes with a trigger is my signal.

• Brain is being flooded with chemicals that put me into survival mode (flight or fight).
• Higher brain is turned off and lower (instinct) brain takes over (the taker).
• The Taker says, “I have a right to be angry and hurt. He deserves what I’m saying.”
• Protect him from any lover busters.
• Say something like:

o “I need to go to the bathroom and figure this out.”
o “Sometimes I get a blast from the past. I need to train myself to stay in the present.”
o I will go for 15-30 minutes to work through this and figure out why I am triggered.”
o “I’ll be back with an ‘I need…’ or an ‘I’d love it if…’ statement.
o “Plopping these negative feelings on you is not going to help you or me.”
o “I am not shutting you out. I am protecting you from my irrational side.”

3) Calm myself down by saying:

• “I have a new relationship with FWS based on openness and honesty.”
• “He was honest and open with me, meeting my emotional need.”
• “He’s going to listen to me and respond with a desire to do what I need.”

4) Determine what is happening RIGHT NOW that is causing me to feel this way.

• Love buster
• Unmet emotional need
• Blast from the past

5) Formulate an “I need…” or “I’d love it if…” statement if it is a love buster or unmet need.

6) Either tell FWS or write down and give to FWS:

• “I need…”
• “I’d love it if…”
• “I had a blast from the past, and now I am in the present.”



Working through the trigger may take a few minutes, several minutes, several hours, or even days. But the goal is to discuss it using Dr. H's Rules of Protection, making the discussion safe for both of you by not love busting.

Jennifer acknowledged that in the midst of a trigger, it is just about impossible to not love bust because our taker takes over.

AGG,

Not to threadjack, but,

did you NOT take that opening?

Because that is what it was, you know.

She was trying to feel you out about where you were in recovery, and trying to tell you something about how she is feeling about her own behavior.

You missed the opening. Next time you are together, she will do it again - take the opening, and ask her if she has something to say, that you are open to listening. Because she does have something to say - and it "feels" conciliatory.

SB

JDK,

In your case, your wife feels recovered from her behavior, and feels like she won't repeat - so she "passes judgement" now.

I sort of understand it. Five years passing now.

Regarding the sexy lingere - I wish my husband would have talked to me about his thoughts.

It would have prevented so many problems.

I vote, talk to her. Or you end up with the same old problems - or a new affair. And if you think she's in an EA, guess what - the main complaint is very often because the woman feels like the man doesn't talk with her enough about emotional stuff.......

so, talk to her, man.

Tell her how you FEEL. Tell her that you FEEL hurt that she was willing to get things for another man, but not for you. That you would FEEL very good if she were to do that.

Better yet - go in and buy her some on your own! Be proactive. I wish my husband would think I was sexy enough for him to go into VS and get me something to wear. Gee....what a lucky gal - and you haven't even told her that. Have you told her from THAT viewpoint?

There isn't a rule that you can't shop there. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

SB

Schoolbus,

I would love to go buy her stuff like that but she takes that as an insult. =( And I guess that's why I haven't said anything to her about it. It just bothers me that she had to make sure she had all that stuff not to mention wearing it under work clothes but won't for her own husband.

JDK,

That is the information I was asking about yesterday. I guess I was trying to get at the root of what you were bothered about.

From what you've said, I'm gathering that you feel hurt, rather than confused about her statement. Is that correct?

If that is the case, there is nothing wrong with telling her that it hurts you. Is there a solution? Maybe.

Would you feel less resentful if she did begin to wear lingerie for you? Or is it just one of those painful things that just comes along with an A?

JDk,

If it were me, I would drop the issue you are referring to, but get into the habit of bringing them up when they happen.

Keep it simple and direct, what you observed, what you thought about it, how it made you feel and what you would like her to do about it. Also ask what you can do to help her.

Most likely, she will debate the facts, or the appropriateness of your feelings or whether what you would like her to do is reasonable, etc. If she does, just end the discussion. Don't agree with her or debate her. Just "well, that's how I felt and I thought you should know."

If she starts to engage on the discussion, then you can go from there. But it usually takes a while for that to happen, and would probably go smoother with a MC.

FWIW, I think it's pretty common for a FWS to say these inconsistent types of things. Some say it's because people compartmentalize aspects of their A.

SB, thanks for your thoughts, but it's not like that <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. I should clarify that we are not in a "Plan" or in recovery - we have been divorced for 6 years, she has been remarried for 4.

So we are not in a situation of talking about our feelings towards each other, we just try to co-parent our kids in a civilized fashion. As you can see, whenever we get talking beyond that, she spews out stuff that reminds me why we are divorced to begin with <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

AGG

AGG - When I read this comment, my opinion was that this comment was her way of opening to an apology. I know it was backward, awkward, stupid, and circumlocutory, but that is what it was, IMO.

She tried to open the dialogue. Strange to say this, but there it is. People have strange thought patterns, and I believe this is where hers was going, had the conversation gone on. At least, her thoughts were there.

So, if you were ever wondering, "Is she sorry?", the answer is, "yes".

She sees the wrong it. Now, that is.

SB

Edited for spelling.

Oh, I see what you mean now. Actually, she has apologized long ago for her actions, and I am sure she was sincere.

As far as this specific incident, I know her pretty well, and I am sure that she was in no way connecting her thoughts about the coworker's affair to her own affair 7 years ago. If she had seen a connection, she would not have said a word on the topic - she is the ultimate avoider <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

It's just funny to see how someone as smart as her can simply not connect the dots sometimes...

AGG