Hi...

Well I've been legally divorced since December, but seperated since March 2005. We were very polite during the divorce...nothing I could say or do would change his mind.

I've disappointed him, and he's disappointed me. One of our big issues was his drinking. When we went out a few weeks ago for dinner - he arrived tipsy, had a martini and wine with dinner. When I didn't want to go for champagne with him he got very angry and started attacking me and bringing up all kinds of history that he is still mad about.

He baby sat our dog this past weekend, and on Monday (a holiday and per his usual pattern an opportunity to drink) he text me that he loved me.

I have so many feelings for him still. Mostly sadness and desire for him to be happy. I guess I'm a classic codependent. Some friends say I shouldn't see or talk to him at all. He's close with my family, and when he's not drunk I enjoy his company..I just don't know what to do.

On Valentine's Day neither one of us had a date so we got together for dinner. It was fun...but not romantic. I guess eventually one of us will get involved and will likely put an end to this protracted and slow detachment.

Our lives have been so entangled for so many years, it's too hard to just cut each other off... or should I keep open for the two year post divorce period? I waited for him to see the value in our marriage since March 2005 but to no avail. I think when there is alcohol involved there is just nothing that can be done until that gets fixed...javascript:void(0)javascript:void(0)

Hhhhh.

You sound like I'll be sounding in a couple of years.

My H is an alcoholic...and my best friend in so many ways. And my worst enemy. Or is the alcohol that is my worst enemy? I read a book that said that there is no competition with alcohol, it will always win. My H, and probably your too, doesn't think he has a problem with liquor because he can go a few weeks without it. He is a binge drinker. I met him and he was a binge drinker, but then that turned into full on every day drunk drinking, and then now he's back to binging. You know what? I can't stand him when he's even had just a couple. I can always tell because it affects him enough for me to see a change in him. I've been through so much with his alcoholism that I think I couldn't live with him even if he really started drinking moderately. For two years straight, he was drunk just about every day. He's lucky he had a really laid back job back then because he'd have gotten himself fired if he hadn't.

Well, enough about me, but I sympathize with you. I see you love him and you are attached to him. He probably loves you and is attached to you too.

I would highly recommend the book Codependent No More. I've recommended it to others before--it's such a good book if you're codependent. You were right on target when you said that nothing can be done till the alcoholism gets fixed. Keep in mind though, that it never gets fixed...just treated.

I don't know what will happen with my and my H. We are separating in April. I love him too. But I can't see myself with him in 5, 10, or 20 years from now. I can't. I can't stand the drinking and his resulting behavior. And I just don't see him ever realizing he has a problem with it. If he does, it'd truly be a miracle.

AA would be your only hope and mine too. I hope yours seeks it out one day.

Good luck

Hi...thanks for your note. I knew my xH had a drinking problem when we married - why did I marry him? The guy before him also had a drinking and drug problem..

You're right he used to say that even if he quit drinking I would still be unhappy with him...but he never would stop drinking to test his theory. He also said he could stop at any time - just didn't wanna.

They all say the same things - it's uncanny.

I think some people stop drinking - they choose their family over the booze. I was hoping that xH could moderate his drinking - just not take a drink before 5pm or something like that... it just never happened.

It wierd how we can tell if they have had a drink..I can see it in his eyes, his tone of voice. And I would get so angry and disgusted, and mean, but now I just feel sad. I was on the bus going to the movies and I saw him at a pizza place eating at the counter. I text him and said that I saw him..and he responded that he had become his worse fear...an old man eating alone. He has taken this path, he never stopped drinking, he never understood my sorrow, he divorced me....and I feel so much compassion and sadness for him. Sometimes I think I'm an idiot..

How long have you been married? Do you have kids? Have you gone to alanon? I have - but I never really got in to it..

My husband would sometimes get hostile and "in my face" when he was drunk - but never really physically abusive. One time he twisted my arm - that was before we were married - what an idiot I was to marry him..