When we know that affairs benefit from greatly from the honeymoon effect of new relationships, where are on their very best behaviour and chemically their brains simply ignore negatives and accentuate positives, how then does one combat internet affairs?

Where in "real life" affairs have the possibility of genuine reality sometimes reaching through the pheremone fog to smack the wayward in the face, the internet masks all those things behind time and distance. Incompatibilites small (doesn't lower the toilet seat) and large (criminal record) are often completely hidden, not even needing the fog to cover them.

Add to that occasional rendevous and you have a "dream" emotional relationship punctuated by weekend romps fueled by weeks or months of frustration...

So, when the one you love is besotted with a figment, how do you compete?

Turn on the lights in the crackhouse!! EXPOSE!

Oh, there's no-one left to notify. She's lost/driven off all friends and family with this obsession...

...except the online ones <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Unplug the computer.

I gotcha. So does she have any reason to stop? Are there any consequences?

Tempting... but that would be a very large LB. I can see it now, she'll liken it to psychic imprisonment. Emotional kidnapping. Wouldn't be my right to do such a thing.



Nada. Zero. Zilch.

Her stated plan is to save money for the next 6 months (we both work) so she may move to be near fantasy man. Not directly in with him, mind you, her own place. She fancies that she's doing this the "right way"

I'm sure he's a winner. He's 31, a mid-level manager in a chain store, never married, and spends all his free time playing online computer games (how they met and spend they're "quality time") and apprently sees no problem with having a relationship with a married mother of 2.

He gets to tickle all the fun emotional needs, making large deposits in her love bank. I get to make her feel safe and secure and take care of our children making small deposits but I have to be there for the mundane and unavoidable reality like finances which can be love busters even when you aren't arguing about them.

Is there anything to do? It's like running a 100 meter race, only the other guys has bicycle and I'm wearing a ball and chain.

I forgot to add that she's leaving the children in my custody.

Fantasy land doesn't include rugrats to spoil the mood I suppose...

Assuming you have an internet connection in your name...

I would pull the plug on "financing her affair".

Plan A with boundries. Not Doormat Plan A.

Your concerned she will be pissed? Are you worried she will leave you? Think about that.

Holy crap!

She's leaving her CHILDREN for an online "fantasy"?!?!? Wow, the fog is thick on that one!

My FWH also met someone online and had an affair...you are totally correct in these statements:


...especially the first and last ones.

This is what drives all affairs, but internet ones especially because of the time and distance involved.

There is NO reality in these relationships and for the most part they equate to high-school level fantasy relationships.

My FWH is now appalled at how he was able to entertain this fantasy for so long. He has said he knew it was all a bunch of fantasy bullsh*t even then...and can't figure out why he chose to stay in it as long as he did. That crack is addicting, isn't it?

Ok, back to your question...I used to ask myself the same thing, and sometimes even now (a year out from our last d-day), I get bummed and think "I can never compete with that fantasy relationship! We live in the REAL WORLD and I can't just make everything that doesn't fit the fantasy go away!".

But the truth is, I CAN'T compete...all I can do is be the best wife and mother I can be, and I am working on that all the time. I have a long way to go but that is my only option.

Are you Plan A'ing her? You should be doing that now while making plans for a very dark Plan B.

oh, i doubt she will move out. That would ruin the fantasy and when she has a husband who will DO NOTHING to stop her in the belief it is a "lovebuster," THEN SHE HAS IT MADE!!

Why move out when she can you and the online OM? She has it good! She knows you are too wimpy to stop her.

Cipher,

""Add to that occasional rendevous and you have a "dream" emotional relationship punctuated by weekend romps fueled by weeks or months of frustration...""

So your WW has met the cyberlowlife for a weekend romp? I agree that drastic measures are in order. Throw the computer out the window. Cancel the broadband.

So she will get pissed and whine and scream? Just like the crack addict when the pipe is taken away.

My FWW met her OM on the internet in a chat room. The A lasted 3 years. He would fly into town and they would romp at the local Best Western while I was at work. I had not a clue, until I uncovered some emails she did not delete. By that time the A was suffering greatly and she had been wanting to get out of it for a while, so Dday was the catalyst.

Enough about me.

Since she has forced everyone out of her life, and has gotten to the point that she is forsaking her children, then maybe LET HER HIT THE BOTTOM.

Let her go, help her pack her bags!! Tell her to speed up the process so you don't have to look at her anymore and you can get on with your life.

In other words CALL HER BLUFF! If she isn't bluffing, then let her go get it out of her system....and if she truly digs this nerd ball and doesn't get it out of her system then you are better off without her.

How much more respect do you have for her at this point anyway?

The internet is TOTALLY the devil's playground.

IMHO

kirk

You need to get her attention. First, if you ARE paying for the internet connection, have it disconnected. Seriously. Let HER pay for it if she wants it so badly.

Second, have you spoken to an attorney about your rights? She is planning on ABANDONING her family. There are laws about that. I would head to an attorney and find out if a legal separation is feasible. At this point, you need to protect your family.

Thirdly, no matter what she does (if you want this marriage) Plan A her at every opportunity (which does not mean be a doormat!) You speak your truth when she talks about her plans. REFUSE to talk to her about divorce or separation. "I don't do divorce. So how was your day dear?" In the meantime, you're snooping to find out who this lowlife is so you can expose to people that matter to HIM. It's not only your wife that you expose.

Start taking some actions. She's free to do whatever she pleases at this point and you're just going along.

Is this a physical affair (PA) as well?

BTW, you registered here in 2004. Has this been going on for this long? What's the deal?

He deleted his old posts so I can't read why he has been here for 4 years.

What's up with that?

Argh! I made the longest post to answer all the questions and somehow it got lost!

Here's a condensed version:

We had problems 5 years ago, posts deleted on legal advice.

There is no PA yet. I was just thinking out-loud.

We have 2 high speed internet connections at the house. One in my name for my work, our personal one is in her name. She's just as much in contact through text, voice, IM on her brand new blackberry she just bought for that purpose anyway.

My current plan, and what I've been doing until now, is to Plan A until she leaves and move directly to Plan B.

I do not doubt she will leave. I've seen the completely silly happiness she gets on her face when he texts her something as simple as **hugs&kisses**. She's in complete infatuation and I believe she'll act on it before it runs it's course.

She will of course miss the children, but I believe she'll miss me more than she knows right now. I've been the rock in her life since long before I was her husband, but she can't miss me until she's gone and even then not until the fog lifts.

So I think my only course is to show her I love her and be the best dad I can be, and hope he screws it up somehow or failing that to remove myself from her life so she can realize what she's missing.

What I really need advice on right now is how to make the best of the time I have to Plan A? How do I reach her through the fog and put the silly happy look on her face myself?

Blackberries can get lost or dropped in the toilet. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

How long has this been going on again?

No PA, so it is total fantasyland. And she totally throws this in your face? No attempts at hiding the fact?

Could she be punishing you or trying to control you via this?

Random thoughts.

kirk

Is there a date for when she is leaving?

Also, if possible, expose to whoever might help stop the OM.

Do you know at what retail chain he works?

Have you ever had a conversation with him?

Part of Plan A is EXPOSING.

Have you done that? If you need help in getting started, let us know and we can help you.

Like I said, my FWH met the OW on an internet forum also. Here is my exposure link, you need to do the same thing:

Exposure thread #1
Exposure Thread #2

And yes, your WW will be pissed...for now, but not forever. When I initially did my exposure FWH at the time said to me "Well, this can't be fixed now, now that everyone knows. I can never show my face to anyone again!". [Yes, I know...major fog talk].

He did get over it, though and admitted to me recently that he is not angry about it anymore...at all. He knew it had to be done.