Hi my name is Rich, I have been married for 18 years and we've had our ups and downs in the marriage. My wife and I have had infidelity in our marriage go rampant. She's cheated on me 6 times with this recent one that she is currently in. I've also cheated on her. We have a 15 yr old daughter and this time the infidelity has gotten further than the past affairs. After I confronted her on the affair, we have agreed that it would be too costly and pretty much a mess for either of us to leave the home; However, she refuses to end the affair claiming that she and he have feelings for one another. She refuses to seek counseling stating "I'm not ready to go to counseling right now" And she leaves on Fridays and doesn't return to the home until Sunday evenings. I'm pretty much frustrated at this, I love my wife and want this to work, but how do I get her to stop what she is doing?? She has even convinced my daughter that she is happy with the guy and my daughter's response was "daddy, all I want is to see mommy happy, I accept her decision" This totally crushed me to hear that coming from my daughter. I of course neglected to show my wife affection and intimacy for some time so she decided to find it eslewhere. I should note that as a little girl my wife's dad took her often to see his mistress while he was still married and living with my mother in law. So I beleive that this plays a vital role in her behavior. I am truly stuck between a rock and a hard place because I don't want to sell the house and all that we have. But, I would like some ideas as to how to have her stop the affair.

Read up on Plan A and Plan B, especially the Carrot and the Stick.

No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. You have allowed and are enabling her to continue her affair without any consequences whatsoever. She leaves Fridays and returns Sundays? She is living like a single woman and flaunts the affairs in your face. Why should she change her behavior if she has a husband who allows this type of behavior without consequences. You need to contact an attorney to understand your options. I am afraid you are in big time denial. She has no respect for you. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

We've been talking, and she says she is confused and conflicted. She says that she wants to give in to fixing the marriage, but doesn't know if she should, cause she's not sure if I've changed. And what she means by that is the lack of affection/intimacy displayed by me. I've more than guarranteed her that this will not be a problem. Then she throws some other things into the mix, like how I like to go to church and serve God and she isn't into that. But she once was and in fact she was baptized and worshipped in the same church that I attend now. She says that she doesn't want to hurt the other guy and doesn't want to hurt me either. I explained to her calmly and lovingly that she has only been with him for four weeks and that we've been together 18 years and have a 15 yr old daughter to boot. I told her that he knows in the back of his mind that at some point this is going to have to end, he just doesn't know when. She doesn't understand that what she feels for him is not the same what he feels for her. Though she says they have feelings for one another. She's on the fence, how can I get her onto my side?

She has the best of both worlds. She leaves for the weekend with her lover and comes back to her husband who is accepting of all of this. I am sorry my friend but she sounds like a serial cheater and you have been accepting of this. In addition, she does not like you helping out at the church? You have enabled her to cheat on you when she is unhappy apparently without consequences so why in the world would she wish to change now? The other guy is using her just like probably the rest so it makes no difference. Her lack of respect toward you and your marriage seems boundless. It is your life but your daughter and you deserve so much more. I wish you luck.

richrod

You need to tell your WW that she must decide OM or come home. I would call her on her cell that you will not tolerate her going to do the OM every weekend.

Continue with that the current arrangement it is not in the families best interest and you are ending this now.

The BH's job is not to make the WW's life easy so she can have an affair. WW can not afford to separate financially. Well that's her problem. Don't you leave the home. You the BS did nothing wrong. Plus with you being the only parent willing to provide child care WW needs to leave.Do not let her use your money. Close all of your joint accounts. Take WW off of your credit cards. Tell her she must pay half of the bills. All the cars are in your name deny WW use of them. She needs to go to work or what ever she can take a bus or cab. Or if she is so deserving and the OM loves her so much tell her to let the OM buy her a car.

Appeasement does not work. It didn't stop WWII and it has never brought a WW back home. Time to man up and stand up your WW.

It's one thing for your WW to be giving you the slip and sneak off to see the OM. A WS should never be allowed to get away with openly going to stay with him on Friday night till Sunday night.

Next read up on this site about exposure, plan A, NC no contact, and the articles written by the Harley's.

Do not be in denial, standing there taking this sh#t from your WW is not doing anything to save your marriage.

Like it or not, you've financed her affairs. Under those circumstances, what incentive does she have to change?

As far as your daughter is concerned, calmly ask her how she would feel if her boyfriend did the same thing to her? Would she feel "daddy all I want is for my bf to be happy"? She needs to know that people should end a bad relationship first before they start another one. It's time that you start helping your child develop a moral compass since her mother is obviously not up to the task.

get a firm idea of what a plan "a" is...
it is to show your wife what a good husband you can be and how good her mariage is..
once that is established.. and she continues te affair
you PLAn B..her .. you take everything away from her..giving her a stark CHOICE...you need to stop this affair...is she using protection ??? what about stds???
they are a danger to you and your family
jb

Is the house in your name only?

If so take out a second mortgage and claim that you paid off "marital debt" with the equity.

Pre-divorce, there ain't a thing she can do about it.

My wife did this to me when I was in the hospital just before she divorced me.

And if your daughter is siding with your WW, you can bet the house that SHE will follow in her moms steps, just like your wife followed in HER dads steps.

What do I do if she doesn't want to leave the house? I told her she can't have her cake and eat it too, I've treated her like a queen and as in Plan A shown her the love and affecton she could have, I even tried to negotiate with her and tell her whatever emotional needs the lover was meeting that I would be willing to meet and more. SHe is not ready she says. Also after asking her to leave she said ok then changed her tune to I'll leave you the house and the leave our daughter with you but you have to give me a constructive abandonment divorce. I told her "no way" if she wanted a divorce she would have to have an admitted adultery divorce. So she says that if she can't have the divorce she will just stay home and continue to do as she has been doing and we all would be miserable...what now? I purchased SAA and LB and waitng for them to get here but I'm at a stand still now...HELP!

The house is in both our names, my wife makes good money and she has her daddy to enable her if she needs money. We've always had seperate credit cards though we pay them off together. The cars are paid off and she owns one of them also. Soooo not much in the way of taking from her, maybe I'm not seeing the big picture, can someone make some suggestions on how Plan B would work with her...?

Thank You NutChecked, I've already sat down with my daughter and clearly explained to her how wrong it was what her mom was doing not only in God's eyes but in anyones eyes. I explained to her that this is not how to deal with problems as they arise, and that if in a bad relationship you end one before looking for another, but ultimately when one part of the relationship is broken you don't throw away the whole. Thanks again.

Well, my wife is now extremely depressed and upset. The lover through pressure from me, states he doesnt want any drama in his life due to a married woman. I located his address using his cell phone number and an online service and was able to put enough pressure on him by bringing the affair into the light. Now my WW states she wants to be by herslef and wants a divorce. However, she doesn't want to rush it cause she says that the market is really bad right now and doesn't want to lose out on the house. But, she knows that it has to happen according to her. What Now? How do I proceed from here???

Could be bluff on her part. WW is mad that the OM threw her under the bus. Save face mode: WW says "That were through, and can't leave just now because.... which is any reason that they can make up that sounds plausilbe.

Then slowly after time one of two things will happen. WW will think that you are no longer checking if there is NC and will restart the affair. Or WW will send out feelers to test the waters to see in recovery is possible.

Learn how to plan A WW and quitely check for breaking NC. Stay patient. You have to let time go buy. It can take your WW six months to go through withdrawal from the OM. Recovery can not take place until withdrawal is done.

Well, divorce has not been mentioned since the day she found out that OM no longer wanted to be part of my WW's life. She is hot and cold these days and plan A is still in full swing. It snowed the other day and prior to the snow she had gone out with what I beleive was her girlfriends and she told me she was staying with a girlfriend due to the amount of snow there was, and that she is really afraid to drive in that kinda weather. I told her that I would pick her up from wherever she was and she asked me why was I being so good to her when she didn't deserve such treatment. She says that I can do better, that she is such an evil person, that I deserve better than the way she is treating me. I told her its because I love her. Well don't know where to go with this, cept to keep plan A alive.

Yes, continue Plan A.

But you should NOT trust her because she is not trustworthy right now. Her time needs to be spent with you and her family. The Harleys suggest spending 15 hours a week doing fun things together, without your daughter.

Overnight visits with her girlfriend, snow or no snow, are not advisable this early on.

Thank you Believer. I will continue on Plan A, She tells me that she has text message the OM, but that he isn't giving her the same rythmn that he did in when they were seeing each other. What she doesn't know is that I spoke with him and told him kindly to back off and let her decide what she wants to do. He said that he told her to think about what she was doing and that he adivsed her having another relationship without ending the first wasnt a good idea. She tells me that they have only been seeing each other for about 2 months. Apparently the talk worked because she is behaving miserable and is looking for reasons to not be around me. We are going to my son's suprise engagement tonite, please pray that she would see the light...soon!

Well my WW is insistent that she doesn't want to work at the marriage. She loves the flowers and the cards that I've been giving her every week, but she says that she doesn't know where I think this is going. Now with all that is going on with WW and myself my daughter is also giving us problems. She has a boyfriend and my WW lets her go to his moms house when she is going out and I'm at church. Although there is an adult at her BF house I'm not confortable with it. I'm at my wits end. She also tells me that she needs space and that she is on the verge of a "nervous breakdown or something" she went out with her gf and stood out last night, even after I asked her not to. So where do I go from here? I've been praying and asking God for direction, and I've been getting the message that I should just stay still and love her. But again she has been hot and cold lately... This is just so confusing. I think I've come to a place where the tears don't flow as easily any more, is there something wrong with me? I hurt, but not like I used to???

I will say it again: No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. Your wife is allowed to do anything she wishes and continues to humiliate and disrespect you without any consequences. She knows you are desperate and will accept everything so why should she change her behavior. The chances are great that if you see a lawyer and start divorce proceeding she will probably change her behavior. Right now she has no respect for you at all. She continues to do all of these things and has a husband who accepts all of these humiliations without consequences to her behavior. If you do not respect yourself then who will?