Hi, this is my first post here, and I just proposed to my girlfriend and soon after I had this "what have I done?" feeling, and I wonder if I really want this or not.

Here's a little background:

I'm a highly analytical person, so I tend to over think everything. We've been dating for 7 years and after a couple years, when things started to get serious she began asking about marriage. At first I didn't want to because I felt I wasn't ready. I've had a life long struggle with pornography, and couldn't for the longest time find the strength to tell her (or anyone at all really). Finally a couple years ago we talked about it and she's been wonderfully understanding and is helping me get through it.

Then after a while I started to wonder about if she really was ready. She would say she was, but acted in a way where it always seemed like other people were more important than me. She would always sacrifice herself for me, there was no question there, but if she had to chose between me and someone else, I would often lose. I didn't want to live a life like that. But she says it was because after so long (about 5 years at this point) dating, she got tired of committing her time, and relationships to me, when I wasn't ready to commit to her. Which I kinda understand. I don't think it was the right way for her to act, but it's understandable, and we've been working through that, and she's been getting better, and I've been getting better at being less demanding.

All the while, she kept asking about marriage. She tried to give me space, and time, but as a women this obviously wore her out, and sometimes it made her too sad to hold it in, and she had to talk about it. The problem with that is, now whenever I think about marriage, it makes me doubt if it's something I want, or if I just want to make her happy. I know she deserves it, so I feel like I ought to give it to her. And I think that even if I want it, there's this shadow of doubt always hanging over me thinking "do I really want this, or am I just trying to convince myself to want it?"

So I thought I would tell some people that I was considering proposing and see how I felt about that. And I felt pretty good, so I got excited, called my friends and I really enjoyed being able to say that. And I did propose last night, and she said yes, and I was stoked. Then when we were on our way home, and started doubting again. I feel a little better now, but I don't know.

Is this normal? Should I tell her how I feel? I'd hate to burst her bubble, she's so happy and excited. Any advice? Did I really screw up?

Well your name tells me you're a habs fan, so that’s a good start. LOL (What part of the country are you in?)

How old are you? Can you see yourself spending 15hrs a week alone with this woman and be happy about it?

Of course you're going to have doubts man, this is the biggest step you have ever taken in your life. The fact that you have been together 7 years tells me you love her, and there is nothing in your post to indicate that you are looking to break up with her, so where is this fear coming from? Are you living together now? If so than you already know each others habits and are able to live with them and that's a huge step.

You're doing the right thing by searching out now, before you get married and let it get stale, like many of us (myself included), then next thing you know you have a crisis.

The one part of marriage that you need to be sure about is that you are committed for the rest of your life. Not only to be married but to do everything you can to make her the source of your happiness.

Read the basic concept here and you will get the general idea on how to nurture your relationship. If you start now and work on it you stand to have a very happy life.

My main problems is that I always doubt my motives. I have no question that marrying her is a good choice.

She's wonderful, and my family absolutely adores her. Her family is awesome. I mean, they all got their issues and quirks (as does my family, believe me!!) but they're fun and I really enjoy their company. It's kinda funny because her dad said something to the effect he was glad I was a part of the family, but then he was like "not that you weren't before, I guess".

It was like I was almost a part of the family even before we started dating. I always got along well with her parents (her brother was one of my 5 closest friends), her mom, long before we were even interested in each other used to pack me lunch with her brother when we worked together.

I definitely can see myself spending hours a day with her and enjoying life. She's good company and we laugh a lot together. All signs point to yes, and I've no doubt it's a good choice, and probably the right choice, I just wonder if it's my choice.

Hab, one thing you'll need to learn around here real fast is that if you don't answer questions, no one will be able to help you out. All you did here is ramble on as to why you asked her, but the question is what is your fear. I ask this becasue it is fear that is driving your doubt. Make sense?

Sure, I tried but I guess I can't really put my finger on it. I'm not sure what it is I'm afraid of. I guess part of the thing is there's days I don't want to have to be responsible, and sometimes I think I'd like to be able to just sit around and play cards, or video games all day or whatever, and just do whatever I want without having to care about other people and what they want to do, or more correctly, what they want me to do.

Now, I don't really want to be like that, but sometimes those feelings come up. Mostly I think I get fed up from time to time with having to live on a schedule and always planning everything. I'd like more time of non-scheduled activity to just do whatever I/we feel like at the time. The problem is I always end up doing the same things, and feeling bad about myself because I feel like I just wasted all day or something.

I think marriage will be bringing a change to me that I believe needs to come, and that it'll be a good thing for me, but I'm just fighting making that change because I've grown comfortable with being a lazy bum.

And thank you for "listening" and helping. I'm starting to feel better. I guess I just need helping sorting my feelings out. If you can sense any other areas where they could be muddled, and you can help me point them out that'd be awesome!

Thanks again.

Everyone has doubts! It's scary, it's a major life change. I had days when I freaked out and didnt want it. But you have to realize even when you get married you are going to feel like, this is so hard, why did I do this? And the only thing that keeps people together is the commitment to fix problems and talk to each other. If you can do that, your marriage will last through the years.

If there's no reason you can think of not to marry this girl, then do it. Also recognizing why you think you don't want to marry her will help you work through it. You need to sit down with your wife to be and work on your marriage before it happens. Expectations could become a major problem and it seems like it may happen since you said since you wouldnt commit more, she started pulling away.

I tried to do this worksheet with my husband but unfortunately with the wedding and everything going on we didnt do and I so wish we had. Getting married changed my expectations of my husband.This is the the link
http://www.abeautifulceremony.net/marriagecourse_dl_instructions.html

or if that doesnt work google florida counseling worksheet at home and its the second link.

TheHAB, prepare yourself. I was a woman who waited impatiently from a proposal -- on two different occasions, with two different men. Finally, it happened. Because there was so much hesitation and reluctance behind the proposals, I also got cold feet. I thought they proposed just because they had to or lose me.

And I actually never did marry either man that proposed to me in that manner.

I married the man that proposed with passion and glee; the man who could not wait to be married to me.

Be prepared to do some hand-holding. She will need to see how happy you are with the idea, because now she has the proposal -- the proposal she thought she wanted it -- but it was from a man who dragged his feet for so long, her own doubts and insecurities may set in.

Personally, I do not know how to reconcile your situation to the Policy of Radical Honesty. Because if you share your doubts now, the proposal could deflate, lose its joy in her eyes.

I'd be looking for tips on getting her to believe you are enthused too.

If you go through your pros/cons list and decide this will be a wonderful change, show your enthusiasm, set the date soon, help her do the planning.

Send her flowers and thank her for accepting -- pronto!