Here is my story.

Back in december I was given the speech by my H that he is not sure if he wants to be married any more. I got the 1,000 excuses as to why as he dragged up everything that I supposedly did wrong in the marriage in the past 10 years. Now I am hearing I am not fun, or a good enough friend, or compatible with him.

Here is the thing. As soon as I got the speech, I got suspicious that there could possibly be another woman. So what I did was look for clues which I could find none. I checked cell phone bills, office phone bills, and home phone bills. Nada. Only clue is the show room computer which I do not have access to - he could have a free email account that I do not know of. I found no clues until after he moved into the basement on Jan 7th and removed his wedding ring. Two weeks later, I noticed a cell phone bill in the trash. I retrieved it, and found on that very day a phone number from another state being texted repeatedly (and called once). Red flag.

Two more weeks past, and later in the evening when putting dd to bed, I heard him in the office under dd's room talking to someone lovingly. I listened for approx. 30 minutes with my stomach tying up in knots. dd could not sleep because she could hear his voice. So I confronted him and he told me he just met her (which was a lie because I had proof) and she had a profound effect on him.

He said they have not done anything physical. He says they are just friends (yeah right). But yet, he wants to live separately from me for a while, dating me. He is planning on moving out which is breaking my heart.

A friend told me he has stopped calling her (yeah right). How can I convince H to break it off with this woman? I know he hasn't and there is no way I can get proof right now.

Will I be able to win my H back? This is breaking my heart, and breaking my dd's heart. She is only 5 years old and misses her daddy as he is not around much any more.

Yes we still have marital relations, once or twice weekly. He even actually came upstairs and spent the night with me this week. I am trying my best to stay calm cool and loving, but a big part of me just wants to freak out. I am just so tore up inside.

Any suggestions? It hurts to hear him say we are not compatible, or we have nothing in common, or I am not fun any more. I also hear him saying that he wants me to be a friend which I have been the whole time we have been married (almost 19 years).

What should I do here? Should I have any demands or needs in all of this? He is still financially supporting me and dd and I know he has tremendous guilt over all this.

I love him so much, and I do not want to see my family get torn apart.

BTW I got the phone number of the OW, where she lives, age and address. She is divorced so I cannot bust her with a spouse. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

SC.

Sorry you are experiencing the WS babble. The pain of the A and how the WS inflicts their warped history on their family is horrible to say the least.

Still you can get help and support. It is important you get geared up for the fight of your family's life.

Please read SAA - Surviving an Affair (Harley) and LMBT - Love must be Tough (Dobson). You will learn about plans A & B. Also tools you can use to help you keep your sanity along with doing what you can to destroy the A.

Read 1st. Take the EN questionnaire located in the concepts section above. Then call Steve H for some phone counseling.

Pray for a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience.

Learn what WS babble sounds like and how to respond.

Check out your legal options in your area. Do a complete background check on the OW. She maybe divorced but exposure is crucial when applied correctly.

Identify your personal and M boundaries, then you will be ready to implement plan B as needed. Finish your plan A improvements 1st.

The WS is an angry and hurtful creature. Keep him away from your family. Protect your family's finances and interests from the WS and OP. Expect both to trash talk about you and gang up on you. Create your personal support group and ask they respect your decisions, while you respectively hear their suggestions and POV while they watch out for your best interests.

Know you will go through phases. Read the link in my sig line about the stages of grieving.

Let us know how you are doing.

Hope this helps.
L.

How do you know she is divorced? Who does she live with? Who is she?

Go put her name into www.zabasearch.com and see if a man's name comes up. See if it lists her parents.

If you confirm that she is divorced, I would suggest calling her up and telling her your H is married and you have children. MY HUSBANDS AFFAIR ENDED THE DAY I CALLED THE OW. You may not be so lucky, but it may well be that she doesn't know he is married. Your H may have LIED to her and told her he is "separated" or "divorced." You need to disabuse her of those notions and tell her neither is true.

After you do that, I would suggest exposing the affair to his parents, your parents, close friends, any key person in your lives. Tell them you are trying to save your marriage and - IMPORTANT---------------> ask for their advice. If you ask for their advice, they are more likely to help you.

Don't FOREWARN your husband you are going to make any of these calls. Try and make the calls on the same day, so the exposure has the effect of a tsunami, rather than a peashooter.

Another very good exposure target will be the OW's PARENTS. Call her mother and tell her about the affair and ask for her help in keeping her D away from your H. Even better, get your mother to call her!

Exposure is your greatest weapon against the affair, scs. While you are doing this, you should avoid lovebusters and do your best to make your home a pleasant place to be.

Here is a good synopsis of Plan A:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*. by Pepperband

Guys - he is moving out of the house completely next week.

As to dating, he is going to date. other people, and me. Isn't that nice? Oh God what did I do to deserve this! HELP!

Melodylane - I need help with this zabasearch. If I give you the name, could you help me out. I am just distraught.

SC, one of the very first things I learned here was to try and not panic.

Breathe and keep coming here for answers and asking questions. Nothing will happen today that will or won't be the end of the M.

Please know that we are hear for you. It will be ok. You will make it and be ok. And we will help you develop a plan to recover and work on your M.

You are in a very safe and loving place.

SCS, this is me from UDBB. Please listen to these folks, they are veterans at this. I know how hard it is and how impossible it seems, but these strategies do work. Try to remain as calm as you can and work on carrying these out.

Hi Tabby,

Thank you for recommending this web site.

As to Dr. ellen, she recommended calling his bluff.

I'll talk more about that later.

first off, he isn't going to "date" he is going to COMMIT ADULTERY. Make sure you use that VERY WORD with him. Dating other people while married is ADULTERY. Nor would I agree to "date" him if I were you while he is dating other ppl. Let him know you are his WIFE and are not a "girlfriend." To expect you to be on the same level as his ADULTERY PARTNERS is cruel and insulting and you should not participate. TELL HIM THIS!


Go to that website and type in her name and state and see what names come up next to hers. Find out if she is married or lives with her parents. Call her house and disguise your # with *67 and see if there are any names on the answering machine other than hers.

scs, did you see what I posted to you this morning?

If you confirm that she is divorced, I would suggest calling her up and telling her your H is married and you have children. MY HUSBANDS AFFAIR ENDED THE DAY I CALLED THE OW. You may not be so lucky, but it may well be that she doesn't know he is married. Your H may have LIED to her and told her he is "separated" or "divorced." You need to disabuse her of those notions and tell her neither is true.

After you do that, I would suggest exposing the affair to his parents, your parents, close friends, any key person in your lives. Tell them you are trying to save your marriage and - IMPORTANT---------------> ask for their advice. If you ask for their advice, they are more likely to help you.

Don't FOREWARN your husband you are going to make any of these calls. Try and make the calls on the same day, so the exposure has the effect of a tsunami, rather than a peashooter.

Another very good exposure target will be the OW's PARENTS. Call her mother and tell her about the affair and ask for her help in keeping her D away from your H. Even better, get your mother to call her!

Exposure is your greatest weapon against the affair, scs. While you are doing this, you should avoid lovebusters and do your best to make your home a pleasant place to be.

Scs,

Please do call OW. I called the OW, who also lived in another state, and my WH told her we were D'd. After she found out that we weren't, she told me that she would stay away from him. I found out a lot of other things from her that I wish I had not found out. In my case, it really didn't keep them apart, but it 's worth a try.

Melody - My psychiatrist told me not to do anything that will anger my H right now. He said it is not a good idea and to hold back my anger, be nice, do what he wants for now. My psych is worried about my H's emotional stability.

Yes I so do want to call OW. However her phone number is a cell number so that's not going to do any good. I will wait till after the prayer service on Sunday to make my decision if I will call. It may cause my H to get very angry and I might be slapped with D papers. He had told me not to interfere in his personal life or he would D me.

I just don't know what to do at the moment.

I also tried zabasearch and came up with practically nothing. maybe I am doing it wrong? I don't know. I need help here people.

Why? Is your H a violent psychopath? If your psych has told you to do nothing, then I won't post anymore.

But I should tell you that Dr. Harley is also a PSYCHOLOGIST, who specializes in infidelity and he would DISAGREE with your psychologist about doing nothing to make your H angry. That is because your marriage can survive some temporary anger, IT CANNOT SURVIVE AN ONGOING AFFAIR. The goal here is to SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE, not to avoid making your H mad at all costs. But it sounds like the latter is your goal, so I can't help you.

Dr. Harley has saved hundreds of marriages using plan A and Plan B, and the most powerful weapon is EXPOSURE. If you forgo that step, you might as well give up now. But perhaps your psych knows something about your H that we don't know.

If you have another "plan" from your psych, there is no reason for me to waste my time giving you Marriage Builders advice. I wish you the best.

Melody, I have no plans on leaving this site, yet. I need all the advice I can soak up here. I am very seriously considering the advice here and when I know the time is right, I will do so (such as when the right time is to call the OW). The call to the OW will be very soon as I am feeling that this is going to have to be necessary. I know it a big possibility that I might get slapped with D papers and have financial support cut off. So I HAVE to time this right.

H has warned me to stay out of his personal business. He says if I interfere, he will serve me with D papers. He told me that I know he can get nasty (yes he can).

Before I can call OW I have to finish copying paper work which we have a lot of investments. I cannot rock the boat as H will take it all out of here in a blink of an eye before I can get myself protected completely. I have to go back 5 years on tax returns and get copies of all equipment and trucks and properties that are owned by H's business. It is not smart for me to make this move too soon, or I will be screwed. I think this is what the psych is also warning me about.

H is having some serious emotional turmoil right now. Psychiatrist is worried if I anger H, he will cut off all financial support. No, H is not violent, but I have seen him punch holes in doors years ago when having heated arguements. This situation is just so scary for me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

This is 100% pure fog talk. You are his wife - his personal business is yours. What he is really saying is that he doesn't want you doing anything to end his affair. The D papers are a threat. Even if he were to follow through with this threat, it takes time and you can still work on Plan A/B in the meantime.



Definitely do this ASAP, but at the same time realize he can only work so quickly. He's probably not thinking straight in this respect either. You have more leaway than you think.


He cannot cut off all financial support. You have a young daughter and he is legally responsible. If he punches anything, make sure you document it. If he so much as touches you or your daughter, call the police. Don't let him threaten you with cutting you off - he CANT. This is also more fog babble from him trying to enable his affair.

Well, let me know when you want our advice, but there is no need to post to you if you aren't going to take it.

As far as him threatening D if you "interfere," as your psych probably told you, ALL waywards make that threat in order to scare you from interfering with the affair. It is a CLASSIC wayward MANIPULATION TACTIC. Nor can your H get away with cutting off financial support. You can make quick work of that by filing for legal separation. If he files, then you countersue on the grounds of adultery. Cutting off your FS will infuriate most judges and your H's atty will caution him against any such ploy.

But if the trade off is that you ENABLE his affair in order avoid being served, then you are doomed, because the affair is the greatest threat to your marriage, not divorce papers. Divorces can be stopped.

Doing nothing is actually more likely to result in DIVORCE because you are ENABLING the affair, and the AFFAIR is the greatest threat to your marriage. As I said earlier, your marriage can survive temporary anger, it cannot survive an ongoing affair. So, if you do nothing to stop the affair, because you are too scared, then this is probably doomed anyway.

Dr. Harley, a CREDENTIALED psychologist with years of experience at treating infidelity, said this:

scs, the biggest problem I see is that you BELIEVE your H's manipulation tactics and have been successfully manipulated into inaction. As such, you are enabling the affair at your own expense.

You have to understand that your marriage is under assault and is not going to make it unless you do something. Your H and his lover are trying to destroy your marriage, and if you won't lift a finger to stop it, you will end up...........destroyed.

The affair will WIN. You are handing VICTORY to the OW, your ENEMY. And I have to ask sincerely, WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Because I can't tell.

You are doing more to help the OW than yourself and your own DD.

I know you are scared, we all were. That is not a call to INACTION, but a call to ACTION.

Listen to ML. She knows these plans as well as anyone here and you're lucky to have her advice and attention. You came here for a reason didn't you? Because nothing else you've done has worked, has it? Since what you were doing isn't working, what do you have to lose trying something different? Its your choice, think about it.

Don't listen to your H's threats. The truth is that unless the A ends, the M is over anyhow, right? So his threat to D is meaningless. He has already started the divorce by having an A! Next time he threatens divorce, tell him "I can't stop you from doing that, and don't even want to talk about it. If you want a D then you are a grown man and can file for one. If you do I will have to get the meanest lawyer I can find to protect myself. I would much rather we sat down and found a way to fix our marriage. I believe this is possible and have found a plan that I think would work for us. That can't happen with another person involved in our marriage."

And leave it. You will probably be surprised at what happens when he realizes that you are not afraid to be without him.

Sorry you are here, but you would do well to listen and act in your best interests.

Thanks for the food for thought. I have something very important to do on Sunday. After Sunday, I will know more what I am going to be doing as to calling this EA OW.

I am taking every scrap of advice here. Seriously.

SCS, while you are waiting for Sunday, read everything you can here including some of the longer threads. One thing I didn't understand when I first came here was that people continue their entire story as it happens on one thread, so the threads get very long. I was intimidated by these long threads but since then I've caught up on many of them. It is amazing how similar all of our stories are. You will find some that are almost the same as yours. Reading them, you will see that they felt the same as you when they were at the same point, and you will find out what the consequences of each action they took were. Looking back now, I can see all the information was here but I just couldn't see it at the time. You have 2 days, it's a great chance to educate yourself.

Melody is giving you great advice. Ditch your psych...call the harley's. This affair MUST BE exposed and you must learn that your H is spewing typical wayward speak.