Hi ev1, I am new here and I'm trying to figure out where to go from here. HERE WE GO....

H packed us and moved us to North Carolina. I hate it here and the move has been hard. So I have not very nice toward him, snappy, quick tempered, u name it. He got a job as a waiter at a restaurant while he was taking classes to get real estate license. I never though anything of it. I started noticing changes after New Year's. He ALWAYS and I mean ALWAYS had his cell phone either in his hand or in his pocket on vibrate. He never let it out of his sight. (flag #1) i would ask him what was wrong and he'd just get mad and yell and say what do you think? how do you want me to respond, ur not very nice to me.(Flag #2) He isn't that type pf person to just go off like that.

One night he had to close at work so I went to bed. I woke up at 1:30 am to find him not home. I called and texted his phone and he didn't answer. So i got dressed and went to look for him. Also talking to a friend that worked w/ him to see if they went out after work. They said no. I kid you not after I talked w/that person he called not 5 mins later. obviously they told him ur W is looking for you him not knowing that I was out driving around looking for him.
He said where he was at he didn't hide that he said he was at her apartment w/people from work having a few beers. Okay, I by that. He didn't know that after he said where he was I had turned around and was sitting in the parking lot of her complex(I know CRAZY, right) He left and was on his way home. I followed.

Needless, to say he wasn't going over to her place but they were talking or texting on their phones to each other 2-3 times a day maybe more....I am waiting on phone records to know for sure....I am hurt and upset that this has happened. I Believe I want to work it out for my kids sake but TRUST is a B*tch to regain.

I also found that he bought her a birthday and valentine's day gift and he wrapped them. He doesn't wrap my things he hands them to me either in the bag from the store or he takes them out and hands them to me with the price tag still on it. He also took the time to pick out a card for her. I asked what it said and he said something about Sweetheart. that was such another blow to me. To where i really think i might not get through this and it saddens me to think that.
Am I messed up for feeling this way? Did I drive him to that point to where he felt he needed to be with OW to feel better about himself? So many questions!

I asked him to leave the following day but he needed to take me to my car that I had left after I took his because I caught him at her apartment at 2:30 in the morning. He said nothing happened and they just talked and she kicked him out and said he needed to go home.

After i got in my car to go back home I wondered if he would go to her place so I pulled over and parked and walked back to where I had left him. I kid you not I watched him pull into her place. MY HEART SANK and I really thought there was no HOPE at that point. He willingly went back to her place.

Obviously, he didn't I was watching him. He got out of his car and was heading to her apartment when I jumped the fence and headed him off so he couldn't. I got a hold of his cell phone and I broke it. He called me crazy and and i said well, you obviously don't want to work on our marriage if you come back to her the source of fighting. I jumped the fence and left.

He then went to the store to get his phone fixed I know this cuz I had got back to my car when i saw him pulling out of her place. I had to go the same way to get home and saw where he went.

He then went to his work which was close by and started using peoples phones to make calls. Did he call her? I don't know. I went home and let it be cuz he was supposed to be heading to Florida to see his folks.

He has been there since Monday and every day I find out more and more things that he has done with this GIRL or for her and it just gets me madder and madder and I don't know if I can control myself when he walks in that door tomorrow(Friday) I am afraid of how I will react. Am I going to hit him? Ignore him? Hug him? What!?!?! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

i am so sick to my stomach. i haven't ate since he left.

Any helpful advice would be great. Thanks.

Dear STM!


I really have no time to answer you. I just wanted to show that your post was read and that people care!
You have come to the right place. Read the stuff you see around and learn from the posts on other threads as well.
Many marriages (M) have recovered in these pages from more destructive blows then you have felt.
Read up on plan A and love busters in this site and try to make a plan how to behave when he returns.


Owe your own stuff, but not his. You did let him down. That is your stuff. He had the affair (A). That is his stuff.


Good luck to you. Hopfully some one else will post to you soon!

Hi sicktostomach
Gosh I know that feeling! You are in a place where there are some amazing people who have not just recovered from infidelity but have created stronger and better marriages afterwards.

I didn't know about MB when I made my discoveries but you have found this place. In the midst of your misery, this is the best thing that could happen as the actions of the betrayed spouse (BS) in the immediate aftermath are critical to the success or failure of the marriage. Even if you do not now know if you want to save the marriage, this will at least give you the option.

You must be calm and you must be strong.

Start snooping and learn as much as you can about what has been going on before your husband (WH) returns. Expect more bad news but you must know everything.

Hop across to General Questions II where the vets hang out and they will give you a step by step of how to deal with WH when he returns.

Oh and don't forget what Frank said; read everything on this site. Everything! You have a lot of work ahead of you.

Lied_to_again,
Thanks for your words of wisdom. Obviously, I am still in the healing/hate process.

I think I want to work it out because of my kids and I am a child of divorce and I remember what that was like. TRUST is the main issue. How do you trust that he's not still talking to her? How do you know that he's not out seeing her when he should be some where else?

All those things are going to be hard if not attainable at all. It's just so hard right now.

I would LOVE for the healing to begin but I know it's early and it will take a while but I'm not sure how long I'm willing to wait for that! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

thanks again,

[:quote]TRUST is the main issue. How do you trust that he's not still talking to her? How do you know that he's not out seeing her when he should be some where else? [/quote]

The answer is that you don't trust him. All waywards lie, that's how I got my screen name! You put a keylogger on the computer, get hold of his cellphone records, put a gps on his car and a voice activated recorder inside it. Instructions are here
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post3397280
Then you will need a strong stomach as you will not like what you find <barf>

While you are snooping, get reading on Plan A - the Carrot and the Stick. Essential that you do this right. The concept is that you make yourself an appealing alternative to the Slag and you tell him that what he is doing is hurting you but you do this in a way that avoids Love Busters so no yelling and scenes at Slag's house <lol>

Dr Harley says that Plan A has to be done exactly right to work so you should hop over to General Questions II where you will be guided by the vets.

Good luck!

Hi
A couple questions

How old is your husband?

You titled the post H had an EMOTIONAL A with a 22 year old....Did I mis the part where you found out that it was an EA and not a PA? Especially if you guys are older, I find it hard to believe an older man would go to a 22 year old for an EA..... Thats like going to Bill Clinton for marriage advice.

Thanks.