My husband and i have been together for 21 years, we are both very active in our church, He even moreso than I am. We have both recently started our own businesses, and my husband travels alot. 10 years ago my husband cheated on me. I chose to forgive him and I also told him I could not go through this again and that I would have to ask for a divorce if he decided to hurt me again. Well in October of 2007 I discovered an email account that he had set up, I figuered out the password and discovered while he was out of town he had spent two nights with another woman.Am I a fool to stay?

Good question! How was the marriage before this happened? My husband had an affair 11 yrs ago, he moved out for 2 1/2 months and I swore never again. I was in such a bad place back then. Well he did it again Spring of 07... I just keep thinking life would be better with him than without him and we didn't have many problems in our marriage, and the ones we did have were minor!!

So, does he know you know?

Despair,

Welcome to MB. Sorry you are here.

Did you change your marriage after the first affair? Have you been fulfilling your WS's emotional needs all this time?
Has he been fulfilling yours? Did you resolve your marital issues?

Do you want to save your marriage?

Read up on this site. Read about plan A and plan B. Decide what is best for you.

(((((HUGS)))))

Hope some wise ones give you some help soon.

I know this is really, really hard. I don't know what I would do if it happened to me again!!!

Hopefully we can help you here.

Be patient, people will help you here.

Love in Christ,
Miss M:)

D,

This did happen to me but I didn't know about the other times until now. Its awful however many times above zero it happens. It is possible to recover again, just a lot harder as Dr. Harley points out in his Q&A Columns on infidelity on this website which you should read. The more there is to forgive, the harder it is to forgive.

Having said that, my FWW and I are trying to do it, and if you read enough of the stories on this website, you'll see that others have as well. You'll find that this is the best place to be for recovering from A but IMO no one would ever fault you for giving up on a marriage after multiple As. Only you can decide this. But even if you decide to D, the MB principles will help you as you can feel better about how you ended your M which will help in your personal recovery.

Keep reading and keep posting. There are a lot of people here to help with whatever you decide.

Hi D,

Sorry for your need to ask that question but welcome to MB.

The answer is up to you but here are some questions that may help you decide.

Is the marriage something you are willing to work for?

Might your spouse be willing to work with you to save your marriage?

Are either or both of you open to learning, growing, changing, being challenged and creating a different lifestyle than the one that lead to his infidelity?

My H had an online EA in 2000 that I did not find out about until he had another in 2006. He thought he could handle the second and end it before it got out of hand like he did the first affair.

Untreated and unchallenged, he was wrong. Horribly wrong.

Neither of us even considered the above questions, which is why it happened again.

Now that we've found solid principles and a plan for recovery, our marriage is worth saving; I probably would not have said that had we not found Marriage Builders books or this website/forum. (We also have a very tough marriage counselor who embraces all these MB principles and more.)

Our strange story is attached to my sign line, as are Success Stories of people who chose to answer 'yes' to most of those same questions. Not all scenarios are alike, but the stories might help you decide the answer to your question.

Best wishes....and again, welcome to MB.

Ace

Dispair,

More likely than not your H has had more than these two affairs. When you see a roach, there are a lot more hiding behind the wall.
I would suggest that IF you are to stay with him...which I wouldn't, that you ask him to submit to a polygraph exam. Bet your life that you will find out about NUMEROUS affairs.
There are some people on this site that will advocate saving your marriage at all costs. I am not one of them, I am also not someone that EVER will suggest putting your head in the sand. Thinking these are the only two affairs or letting him lie his way out of the likelihood that there have been others would be putting your head in the sand.

Before anything else...anything...get to the truth and then decide what to do. I suggest you do this before coaching or therapy...get to the truth first and then move forward with or without him.

Good point, MEDC,

My FWH is willing to submit to a polygraph at any time.

Ace

The saying goes like this:

"Once a cheater, always a cheater".

I say get out.

Y'know, MEDC and Stan-ley....I said the same thing....in fact I LOOKED for 30+ years for a justifiable reason to get out.

And my H's A's gave it to me.

But things changed, I changed, he changed, we changed...and NOW our life together is far better (so far) than I could have dreamed.

Even if he cheats in the future, I now have these memories that NO ONE can ever take away.

And, we also have tools to work towards both of us growing beyond that pain and misery of before.

We are all different, but I do know how you both feel.

BTDT....but am now thankful for the option to change and grow.

Ace

I do not subscribe to the "once a cheater always a cheater" mindset. I have seen people on here that have been cheaters and are now changed.

What I do believe is that absent some severe intervention, people are not likely to change. So, in the case of Dispair..since there is an infidelity ten years after the first, there is every reason to believe that there have been more affairs.

You would be a fool to stay unless he takes EXTRAORDINARY PRECAUTIONS to make sure this never happens again. That means:

1. no nights apart ever

2. complete and total transparency, ie: you have passwords, and a keylogger on his computer. you know where he is at all time

3. a commitment to a plan of recovery

The conditions that made it possible for him to carry on a secret second life have to be entirely eliminated. Those are the only conditions you should accept. Only a REAL PLAN backed up by ACTION [not just talk] will prevent this from happening again.

If you don't have that in hand, then you probably ARE looking at repeats in the future. And if you are averse to such eventualities, you might consider getting out. For me, AND THIS IS AN ENTIRELY PERSONAL DECISION, there would be no second chance.

Just curious, MEDC, as to what you use(d) as your evaluation tool to make this judgement for yourself, if you were in Dispair's shoes.

For me, if I was like Stan-ley in thinking that "once a cheater, always a cheater" then yes, I would NOT want to stay with her spouse, either.

But if you see/know that people can change with intervention, why would you NOT want to try that first before saying that you would NOT want to at least try to make the effort to see if the spouse was willing to submit to a polygraph?

Ace

PS I'm off to church, but will check back in later.

Ace, I would not stay with a serial cheater either. I was able to forgive a one time affair on the condition it was an aberration of character, but if it happened again, I would know it was not an aberration, but a way of life. I could not respect such a person, and my love is very contingent upon the respect I feel.

When I found out about my H's affair, I fell out of love with him. I was so disgusted that I could hardly stand his touch. I felt REPULSED. It was a HUGE LOVEBUSTER and affront to my #1 EN, which is admiration. It took years for me to overcome the resentment of that one affair, I doubt that would be possible again. I am not willing to find out. It would be less painful for me to divorce and move on if it happened again.

That being said, I certainly do not fault people who try to recover from serial cheating, as long as there is a TRUE plan of ACTION. People can and do recover, but it all depends on our individual personalities and what we know we can endure.

It is not an intervention that causes change, but a STRONG WILLINGNESS to change. If the serial cheater does not have that, along with a firm plan of action, nothing will change.

The biggest mistake I see BSs of serial cheaters make is they believe [i][/i]THEY CAN CHANGE THEIR SPOUSES. Ain't gonna ever happen.

Ace...bottom line for me is if someone cheated and I gave them a second chance...there would NOT be an opportunity for a third chance. I would NEVER forgive a repeat cheater.

This comes as a surprise. Have you left Myrta?

TA

I agree with ML 100%.

A single mistake can be forgiven. However, repetition of the same act once again (knowing that it causes extreme pain) cannot be accepted.

Some say that these repeat cheaters basically need the spouse to meet their needs in a very intense manner so they don't cheat again.

Meeting ENs is a beautiful thing, however meeting someone's ENs in a pathological exaggerated manner or else they cheat again is no way to live.

Hey Dispair,

Are you still around?

Like MEDC suggested, a polygraph would help determine if your WH was/is a serial cheater. I just saw a thread about Serial Cheaters on GQII that someone bumped that might help you determine this. If so, many will agree with you.....it might be best to cut your losses and you'd be a fool to stay.

I was a fool and I stayed (see my sig line) but I don't recommend this route to many, if any, especially if you already gave him that ultimatum and you meant it when he cheated the first time (that you know about).

If he is not a serial cheater, and you want to save your marriage, folks here can help you with a recovery plan if that's what you choose.

Best wishes,

Ace

P.S. Thanks for your clarification, MEDC.

******This comes as a surprise. Have you left Myrta?*****

No.

Like Melody implied.

Once is not a serial cheater.

Two is a serial cheater.

Otherwise, all of us have the potential to cheat.

The one that already cheated once probably has a greater chance of repeating.

The issue with cheating a second time is completely different. At this point the cheater cannot claim naiveté as an excuse. At this point the so-called fog is not an excuse anymore. Cheating for a second time is evil-------there is no excuse.

Ace, your H is not a serial cheater, is he?