My wife and I have been married 4 years. Its been rough due to us getting into debt and having to move in with her family.

We are going to move out on our own again in June. Thats when we will be out of debt.

We have had a lot of problems. I used to play video games all the time. My wife said I never spent anytime with her and wanted me to stop. After many many fights she was about to leave because she said I was addicted. I stopped to show her that I'm not addicted and I haven't played any video games for a year.

We also quit smoking a couple of months latter and haven't smoked in 8 months. Up until now she has been the one who had problems with our relationship.

Now I am having my first problem and I don't know how to deal with it. My problem is boredom. Used to I could spends hours a day playing video games and now I feel like my life sucks. All I do is work and come home and get ready to work again. I hate watching tv but on my off days I end up spending most of the day watching tv and i'm frustrated and after sitting at home all day long building up i'm like a time bomb.

I am at fault for expecting my wife to keep me entertained. That didn't work and I have a lot of resentment for her for not wanted me to do what I enjoy. I'm really considering leaving her just because I can't see my self growing old sitting around doing nothing.

I need you guys to help me find something to do. What do married guys do for fun? What do you do when you get home from work to entertain yourself. What do you do on your off days for fun?

Please help me out here I really need to find something to do thats fun or I'm going to go crazy.

Get a hobby, join a club, a bowling league..- start working out! Just go do something-constructive! My Husband does Cowboy Action Shooting, a neat hobby and competition sport- but loads of fun, too. I have even gotten into it myself- and we shoot together! Go for walks/hikes- get a dog-- we have sporting/hunting dogs- and yep- we hunt together too! HE so loves the fact that I enjoy getting out and doing alot of the same activites- and our marriage is better for it--even though I was pretty reluctant at first to join in.
Give it a try! You just might find something to do to nix that boredom and share time with your wife!

Why don't you both sit down and do the recreational companionship inventory? There must be something on there that you'd both enjoy doing.

The most important thing is to pick something and go do it. Sitting around doing nothing will just get you more of what you've already got.

At this point I'm not so much looking for something for us to do as a couple.

We are off on different days most of the time. When we are together its not so much of a problem.

I'm trying to find somethings I might enjoy doing alone. On my days off or when I have an afternoon to my self.


Thanks so much for the advice.

Here is what my husband does, maybe one of these will strike your fancy:

Chess-he plays at a chess club that meets on Monday or online, during the rest of the week, he reads chess books and practices on his own

Backgammon-he plays online or with his friends ... sometimes they play online and just have each other on speakerphone ...so funny! He also spends time reading strategy books.

Guitar-he's not that good, but he enjoys trying to learn his favorite songs

Volunteering-he is the president of our neighborhood association so spends time planning neighborhood events and working with city gov and police, etc

Softball-he is in on a team in the city park league ... you don't have to be a good athlete ... most of these guys aren't!

He also plays golf with friends, reads books, does the crossword puzzle. In the past he's dabbled in painting and photography, but he hasn't been doing those lately.

I personally would like if he got interested in cooking, landscaping and/or woodworking ... LOL! Maybe one day <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Fair enough.

You can take up running. Get yourself a decent pair of shoes and an MP3 player, mark off a distance in your neighborhood and go for it. You'll feel and look better, and it's a great way to get your mind off of things.

If you have a bike you can take up cycling, or if you have access to a pool you can take up lap swimming. These are all low- or no-cost things that you can do; I know you mentioned that you were living with the parents for financial reasons. Health clubs can get expensive so save that for later.

You mentioned video games; are you an in-person gamer? Aside from chess and backgammon clubs, I'm sure there is a local bridge club that offers free or low-cost lessons. They're always dying for young people to come in and play. It sounds stodgy but it's really a lot of fun. There are a number of simple boardgames you can find people to play with, like Risk, Axis & Allies or Settlers of Cataan. To me, in-person gaming is way better than on-line, but then I'm old school <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Other cheap things to do...if you have guns, target shooting can be fun. 22 ammo is cheap cheap. You can get a guitar or some other instrument secondhand for pretty cheap and learn to play. Or you could get a book and a pair of binoculars and take up birdwatching. It sounds gay but if you're at all scientifically inclined, it can be fun to observe their behavior.

The library is full of free books. If you're interested in your family history, you can take up genealogy - it's a great way to learn more about your family, builds relationships with relatives you might not otherwise talk to, and gives you a sense of coming from something. It's not just for the rich and famous people.

Learn a skill in your spare time. You can learn HTML, JavaScript, or Java through any number of free web sites.

Train your dog for basic obedience.

What do you like to do?

It seems to me, that your problem is with yourself and not your wife so you should not blame her. Do you think your boredom would decrease if you left her??? Your problem as you said is you can't figure out to do by yourself, without your wife, you would still have this problem. It is not a reason to get a divorce at all!

Secondly, what did you do before you got married? It seems pretty simple to find a hobby for yourself if you think about what you like to do. I don't work, but my husband does and I have to find things to do until I get a job. I just do things I like, I play Wii, do puzzles, hang out with friends, read, write. My husband, when hes not working, likes to hang out with his friends, play with our pets, sometimes he gets into a kick where he likes to do home improvement and yard work. Oh I wanted to say too, I get into kicks where I am a video game/computer game addict, especially when I get a new game...my husband gets mad but if I limit it to when hes not home, he doesnt care.

Also it seems to me that since you are not living in your own place, things are boring. My husband and I lived with my parents and it was boring! When I was in highschool living there, I was not ever home so I didnt know what to do there when I came back. I wanted my own space so bad, I didnt like living there anymore. So give it a chance when you move out together you will be busy with your house/apartment upkeep and you will be able to have your own stuff around.

Thanks for the ideas.


I don't really know what I like to do is my problem. I used to enjoy playing video games with my friends. Before we got married I was 21 so all I did was party and drink. Not much to go back to really.

My wife doesn't want me to play games at all even when shes not around because she thinks I was addicted to them. I stopped for a year and she still feels the same way about it. I am really bothered by the fact that she doesn't want me to play games when she is not here. I love my wife so much but my issue is getting worse.

I tried getting a pet, its only a lizard but it gave me something to do for a while. I kinda build web pages on the side. Over the last year I learned how to do that and afew other coding languages.

My core issue is that I want to start playing games again. I've been doing time consuming things this past year and I'm tired of them. I rent 3 or 4 movies a day when I'm off or I get really loan books on tape.

I've been slowly trying to change her mind about it but she is trying to be firm every time I pressure her it turns into a huge fight where she cries. It may not sound that bad but it seems a lot worse. Almost all my off days we end up staying up to 2am fighting and going to be mad at one another.

She will leave me if I start playing games again and I'm almost to the point of testing that.

Money is not really an issue. I am willing to spend money to fix my problem.

Does your wife want you to do stuff around the house? Is she worried that if you start playing video games again, you won't get your part of the housework done?

How about proposing a 1 week trial run. If your videogame playing doesn't interfere with your marital responsibilities then it can be extended.

If this is really bothering you, you will have to find a way to negotiate this with her. Her controlling behavior seems to be hurting your enthusiasm for the marriage. Have you and she read the Policy of Joint Agreement and the guidelines for successful negotiating on this website? How about trying to implement that?

Not so much the housework but spending time with her. No we haven't read anything yet. I may try to see if she will let me try it for a week.

She has all the right in the world to not want me to get back into doing it all the time but I think I've grown past the stage where I can sit around all day and play games.

I am going to try and read some of the stuff on this site and make the best of our time until we move out on our own.

Thank you guys so much for the advice.

Good for you! I'm wishing you both the very best <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />!

Well, it occurs to me that you already have something you enjoy doing alone and she isn't letting you do it. I don't understand why, when it doesn't interfere with your time together, you can't have your video games. Sitting around and staring at the wall (or each other) isn't quality time. If she's not going to make an effort WITH YOU to have recreational time, then she needs to examine why that is.

IMHO, I don't think you've grown past the stage. In fact, I think you need to do a lot more growing-up period! Why? because WANTING to play these games is consuming you right now and causing you to argue with your wife until 2 AM night after night.

If you had all this extra free time this past year, why didn't you get a part time job so you could have gotten out of her parents house a lot sooner? How humiliating it must have been for your wife to have the two of you sponge off her parents. It seems to me that you are obsessed with childish things like video toys instead of the important issues here.

In order for others to help you, you have to be honest. I think you are angry at your wife for taking your toys away. You don’t think you have an addiction to video games and she does. It seems to me that you aren't really looking for something else to do you just want someone to agree with you about playing video games. I could list a few things that my husband does for fun/destressing but I am not sure if you would even be open to listening.




What other things have you tried besides things that involve being in doors? Have you tried out door activites? What else besides reading and watching movies have you tried? Also you stated you live with your parents. You should be out of the house as much as possible to make you time at home less stressful.

This shows you are trying to manipulate your wife. She cries because she knows you have an addiction and nothing is worse than trying to talk to someone who is in denial.


This quote alone makes me think your wife is right. So what you are saying is you will risk your marriage to play a video game.

Pieta, you took the words right out of my mouth.

Playing video games and watching TV/movies are poor ways to spend your leisure time. People have offered suggestions, like biking, running, working out, etc., none of which you seemed very enthusiastic about. I'll offer a few more.

Hiking; taking classes to improve your job prospects; joining a mens sports league for soccer, basketball, hockey, volleyball, whatever; doing odd jobs around the house (for yourself or for aging parents; doing volunteer work; taking a second job to get extra cash. I'm sure you'll find something wrong with all of those too.

I'm curious: How old are you? You sound rather immature.

Best of luck.

How old do you have to be for these things to be considered "recreation?" Because whatever age it is, I'm not there. Sure, he could get involved in a sport league. That'll take up what? A couple nights a week? What about the hour here and there that you have in the middle of the day that you just want to do something fun? I'm sorry, but work isn't fun. Neither is exercise. Work and exercise can certainly be enjoyable. But they're not recreation. That's why they're called "work" and "exercise."

I'm not saying the guy should spend four hours a night playing video games, or even play every day. But there's a balance to be had. I love playing games and, at times, have played too much. Nowadays I feel I keep it very balanced. I maybe get in hour or two in twice a week, if I'm extremely lucky. But I'll tell you what, those few hours of pure fun make a lot of difference. I work enough. I do crap for other people enough. I deserve to have the kind of fun I want to have in balanced amounts. So does this guy.

If he just played video games here and there there wouldn't be an issue but it was so bad his wife almost left him. Now he wants to play again SO BAD he is willing to risk his marriage to do it. I read over his posts again and I didn't see anything about her trying to control him or tell him what he can or can not do other than video games. I suspect she really feels he is addicted and does not want to go back to where they were before. He started out asking for other things to do but in the first post there was resentment towards his wife because of this issue. Then in further posts it became clear to me that he is not looking for other things he just wants to play video games. IMO playing video games should be the last thing on the list. He has been married for 4 years and is living with the in-laws. His number 1 priority should be to get out of that house. He stated they got in debt but not how. I suspect if we know the how it might help understand what else is going on.

I'd rather start with the marital aspect of the problem. Why does your wife think it necessary, or imagine she has any right, to tell YOU what you can and can't do for recreation when she's not even there?

All right, I realize there are exceptions to such a question. She'd have every right to complain if what you did for recreation was online sex chat with other women! Or if you were gambling-addicted, throwing hard-earned cash down the drain that you both needed for your future as a couple. But this isn't about anything of that kind. This is about video games! Sure, there may be "healthier," "more self-improving" or "more productive" hobbies, everything from jogging to reading to carpentry, but so what? Video games do nobody any harm and don't even cost much in the long run compared with many other hobbies. So what's your wife's problem?

I understand the problem she DID have--which was that you USED to play video games "all the time," even when she was there, and you weren't spending any time with her. That WAS a legitimate complaint on her part. But I emphasize "was" because I think I'm hearing all of that is in the PAST: a "solved problem." Or is it?

I'm hearing you say on the one hand that you're "not so much looking for something for us to do as a couple," and that "When we are together it's not so much of a problem." Do I take this to mean your wife is now happy about the time you spend with her, and the activities you engage in together?

What about yourself? That's a separate question. Are you enjoying the things you do with your wife? I did notice you believe you're "at fault for expecting your wife to keep you entertained," but I'm not sure what part of your time that applies to, or what it means. Your post was mainly about the time you're left on your own, when you're bored. Obviously you can't expect your wife to "keep you entertained" when she's not even there! So is that remark really about her hampering your entertainment by trying to obstruct your playing of video games? Or is it about the time you do spend together? Do you feel she doesn't "entertain" you enough then? Or do you do things with her that she likes but you don't enjoy all that much yourself? If so, that's a separate problem.

What I'm getting at is several possible scenarios. Does either or both of you feel (1) that you don't have enough time together? (2) that you don't enjoy your time together as much as you should? (3) that you have to work too hard to keep the other entertained? (4) that the other isn't doing enough to keep you entertained? If any of these are the problem, there could be any of several solutions.

If your work schedules don't leave you much time together, is your wife unhappy with that, and is there any way of making more time together?

If either or both of you aren't finding your time together satisfying enough, could you find new activities to share that you both enjoy more? (I'd hate to be defeatist about this by saying the two of you might be terminally incompatible; that's only a solution of last resort...)

Then there's the existential aspect of the problem. Some people are just "unhappy with themselves." They have internal dissatisfactions they need constant distraction from; they feel uncomfortable being alone; they look to others, or to a partner, to keep them distracted and occupied, and to keep them entertained and happy. They're unable to keep themselves happy, so they often dump the job of "keeping them happy" on their partner--then get irrationally angry at the partner who inevitably fails at such an impossible task.

So one question is whether you yourself might be anything like this, since you did say you were "at fault for expecting your wife to keep you entertained." Mind you, I realize you haven't told us you're unable to keep yourself entertained when you're on your own--only that your wife is standing in the way of your favorite entertainment at such times: video games. So here's another question: do you yourself really believe you've been expecting too much of your wife in the way of keeping you entertained? Or is this just something she herself has been accusing you of, which may not be true? Is it possible that she's projecting this alleged "fault" onto you when in reality it's she herself who has this fault? Is she really the one who's still wanting you to keep her more entertained--and resenting you because you don't, or can't?

All these questions about the relationship itself are there to explore some reasons WHY your wife STILL has such an irrational hangup about your playing video games when you're on your own. Fair enough, I understand she DID have a legitimate complaint when you were playing all the time and not spending any time with her. But if that's no longer happening, it's a solved problem; it's all in the PAST, and she should be over it by now. You said "She has all the right in the world to not want me to get back into doing it all the time" [my emphasis], which is perfectly true--and completely beside the point! The point is that she has absolutely no business trying to tell you what you "can" and "can't" do in your own spare time! Marriage is about supporting one another's needs, not frustrating them! She's trampling all over your boundaries by doing this, and what's worse, you're an accomplice to the problem because you're LETTING her do it! If we let people stomp all over our boundaries just to placate their unreasonable demands, it never works in the end, because resentment builds up. Then you start off with a primary problem--boredom, because you feel you "can't" do what you'd like to do and have every right to do--and compound it with a secondary problem, resentment of your wife and her bossy behavior. That's a recipe for quick marriage breakdown.

That's why I'm probing around to see what other factors might still be at work on her side, possibly causing her to continue resenting you. If she herself still doesn't feel "entertained" enough in the marriage, isn't finding your time together as rewarding as she'd like it to be--or has some other cause for dissatisfaction--then maybe she feels you should be "doing more" of something she wants, or possibly she resents the idea of you enjoying yourself playing video games if she herself is unhappy about something. Could any of that be why she's acting the way she is? I'm not saying any of that is necessarily "your fault," or anything you can fix. I'm only suggesting there COULD be something there you can fix, by moving outside the argument about video games and trying to explore with her in an open-ended fashion how she feels about the marriage and about you. Be prepared to LISTEN--and see what (if anything) you could do about it. If you can keep her happier in other ways, maybe then she'll be prepared to drop this issue of video games.

Of course, it may be something different on her side. Why is she so obsessed with sheer terror of your being "addicted" to video games, when you've already given them up for a whole year? Is there addiction of any kind in her family? Booze, drugs, gambling, porn? What she may be displaying is a highly controlling variety of codependent behavior, which is unproductive enough when dealing with a genuine addict, and totally inappropriate when dealing with a normal partner. You could talk to her and see if there's a source for her irrationally overblown fears of "addiction."

Otherwise, if she's just a very controlling person, you'll need to start drawing boundaries with her. It's no use looking for her "approval." You don't need her "permission" to do what you want with your own spare time, whether it's video games or anything else harmless. I'd refuse to engage at all in any argument on the issue; just walk away. But if she is a controlling person you're going to have problems with her anyway. So I'd seriously advise you to get some counseling if these problems keep going on.

I saw your other post about "she won't fight with me." If you're going on vacation and you hoped to resolve this video game issue, I'd really advise leaving it alone and just trying to have a good time together. It doesn't need to be settled until you come back. Just take a break and try to refresh the marriage. That's a lot more valuable than fighting.

Well I would say whether they do harm or not, and the expense, depends on the game. IMHO, video games in general suck the intelligence right out of your brain. Many of these games promote violence, sexual promiscuity, and gambling -- none of which are healthy for a marriage. Many of them are incredibly addicting. Their sedentary nature leads to obesity. So EXCUUUUUUZE me if I think video games are a crummy pastime.

I'm sorry that some of you are so immature that you don't think of things like hiking to be recreation. Are you aware that there are entire industries that revolve around hiking and other outdoor pursuits, and that such pursuits help you keep in shape and enjoy your life more? BTW, many people take great enjoyment in volunteering, and to them, it IS recreation.

But if our poster, who got himself into so much debt that they are living with mommy and daddy, thinks that video games are an awesome way to spend his spare time, then I would encourage his wife to leave him and find someone whose maturity level has progressed beyond high school. And he can stay home with mommy and daddy and play video games to his heart's content.

Well, that's just the thing. We don't know. There's no telling that getting a second or third job would be the ticket to their happily-ever-after. There are all kinds of potential exteniating circumstances that we just don't know.

The question is whether your spouse should have control over your recreation without providing any kind of alternative. It would be one thing if she was saying, "Honey, I'd really like it if you'd spent time with me." But she's not saying that. She's not engaging him in any alternative way, from what I'm seeing. She's just being controlling.

What video games provide is a virtual sense of accomplishment. You get to meet a challenge, overcome it, and receive a reward. It's predictable in the sense that, if you can overcome the challenge, you know you will get the reward. Life isn't always like that. If he's getting the sense from his wife that he can't overcome the challenge of getting her to have some kind of fun with him, then he's not going to keep trying. She needs to know that you can't just take away something that fulfills a need and not replace it. If she wants him to stay away from video games, she needs to give him something worth staying away from them for. I don't know what that is, but it's not setting arbitrary rules and then never being around and not wanting to do anything when she is around.