Tonight was D-Day, I'm devastated! I intercepted a very detailed sexual email between my WW and OM. This is the hardest night of my life. Even though I've suspected this or a long time, finding out, and reading the email made me sick enough to vomit through my tears! I don't know what to do now...I feel so dumb for not stopping it! So dumb. I can't sleep. I've already started exposure, and of course got the typical retorts about "you're trying to embarass me..." "or I could lose my job..." I'm so all over the place, not sure what to do next....her family knows.

Hey SadDadNY,

I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this... but at least, now you know.

First off, have you read all of the articles here? If not, then start reading and get a copy of Surviving An Affair.

I know how much this hurts as I've been right where you are. I know it might not seem like it right now, but you CAN rebuild your M.

Semper Fi,

RIF

At least now you know and she has acknowledge the existance of a physical affair--right? So now, it is no longer an exciting little game for her.
Does her family know that it was a physical affair?

Are you still leaving the house on weekends? If so, you should stop doing this. Also, do not leave your marital bedroom.

Sorry SDNY. I'm glad you know the truth though. Take it easy for a couple days, let your emotions subside.

YOU KNEW THIS. I know you did. This is not a surprise, this is not a discovery, this is a CONFIRMATION of what you already knew, only now you cannot deny it.

It will make you much more effective at doing what needs to be done.

STOP leaving your home. Let her sleep on the couch or . . wherever. Really invest yourself in your kids, they're going to need you and they're a great place to "get away from it" for a bit anyhow.

How has your WW handle your confrontation with the proof?

"youre trying to embarass me.." Ahh, yep
"I could lose my job" You betcha.


Throwing up upon discovery. Man, if that ain't perfect. THAT is what I guessed would happen when I find out. Geez, I am so sorry. Whatever you do, don't take the blame FOR ANYTHING. No matter how much stuff she said you did to 'DRIVE' her to do this, that is stuff to take care of at a later time. Now SHE IS 100% WRONG. Until that affair is over, and you still want her back, don't let her make you feel guilty. She will try to use you because while she is having an affair, she is a mirror image of a drug addict. Lies, deceit, looking blame anyone or anything but themselves. Don't take it.

I will keep reading, praying for you. Good luck.

Thanks all for your thoughts...to answer your questions, YES I'm in the house, no more leaving. She's slept here but with me. It's been tough on the kids over the weekend, they likely heard some things that they shouldn't have and I'm ashamed of myself. My WW didn't even have the courage to tell me though, the OM emailed the most disgusting, detailed sexual email with several other points, and I discovered it by intercepting her email. I haven't slept much all weekend since every time I close my eyes some graphic image of WW and OM comes to mind.
She has been both contrite and smug/defensive. So I don't think the Affair is over, she claims it is...but you all know how that goes. It was striking how quickly upon discovery she wanted to "work things out" with me, even though not a few hours earlier she was trying to convince me things would never be better! What an awful weekend!

correction...she has slept in the house but NOT with me!!

If she works w/ OM, she needs to leave that job ASAP. Do not bend on that one. The longer she continues contact w/ OM, the less likely you are to save your M.

If the OM is married, be sure to tell his wife. Then tell work, if they work together, then her family and yours and your friends. She will be furious, so might as well do it all at once.

Have you finished exposing?

Who have you told?

her family knows...OM isn't married so not sure what to do there. She's very scared that I'm going to expose at work, and lose her job etc.
I'm a bit hesitant, though I truly want to expose her at work...but I'm currently unemployed, and there is some financial strain on us...can we afford for her to be fired?

Expose at her work. As long as they have contact, there is a danger of the affair continuing. So whatever happens, one of them will need to quit.

In the way of an update...as you may imagine my WW found the email from OM to be somewhat flattering if it weren't so devastating to me! Also she's still can't "trust" me because I spied on her, as if there's some moral equivalence between what she's done. She's gone from somewhat contrite to downright mean and defensive over the course of the weekend....is this behavior straight from the cheaters playbook?

just left a voicemail for his supposed Ex GF, who is the mother of his daughter...so we'll see if she calls me back.

SDNY

"is this behavior straight from the cheaters playbook"

Yes!

You can not let fear immobilize you. Exposure is what will kill an affair. Do not hesitate you must expose at work today.

What would be worse - the financial strain of her losing her job or getting divorced? They CANNOT work together anymore, PERIOD. Expose to her employer NOW. They likely won't fire her, but they will keep an eye on the two lovebirds. Also, find out about OM and expose to his parents. Your wife will be furious, but it is her affair that will kill your marriage, not her anger that you exposed. She'll eventually get over the exposure.

Another question about the "cheaters" playbook....is common for the WS to act as if nothings happened for the better part of the week since D-Day? It's remarkable to me that she isn't in tears every time she sees the kids, or me, but it's as if, she's just waiting for me to get over it. Has this happened to you? Or is my WW a particularly strange case?

I think many WS will go to great lengths to avoid discussing thier A in any way, probably for as long as the BS will tolerate it.

Things is, its not a very conducive state to recovery the marriage.

However, I would suspect in your case that the A is still ongoing.

Did you expose at work?
Is there NC?