ok well I have posted before on here but not in a while because I thought that things were getting better but only to realize he is back up to the same old thing again...my husband went off to the police academy about 2 months ago and took his laptop computer with him he needed it to fill out his time cards and to be able to talk to me online(which saves on the phone bill). So anyway there were nights that I felt that he just wasn't there if you know what I mean.. so the next day I googled his ID name and found out that he had a Flickr account that i did not know about and a new email that he created when he got there. He had been chatting online again with people about sexual related topics and they were sending him pictures of things that we won't even go there about and vice versa. And that was only the tip of the ice berg.. Also found out that he had answered about 5 personal adds off of craigslist from where he is at doing his academy.. just wanted flings, but also told all of them that he was married, according to what he had said in his responses to those adds. anyway as you can imagine i was furious but I didnt confront him until I was calm enough to do so.. but printed out everything so I had proof and he couldn't tell me that i was losing me mind. so needless to say we had a 14 hour chatting session about all that and he promised me again that he was going to stop. But this is the 2nd or 3rd promise that he has made to me about these things before. All of this happened about 3 weeks ago. then today I was checking his email again and had noticed that he had added a few more friends then he used to have with sexual related names..so my question to you is do I dare say anything? Because i really don't have proof this time that he has done anything wrong. or just keep watching it and see if anything arises? And mind you this man keeps telling me how devoted he is to me and how much he loves me and he would do anything to keep me from thinking about divorce or going through with it. I am at a loss a woman can only take so much mistrust from one person.. and his views on everything is that in his mind he thinks chatting online is ok because it is not physical all fantasy.. and it is safer that way.. And my views are I think that it's cheating when you talk to someone else other then your wife about sexual related things of that nature. So how do I solve this problem? any advice would help..

Your husband is convinced an on-line, emotional affair is harmless, is he? It's not. It leads almost inevitably to something more serious. Secondly, he's doing it behind your back. Clearly he understands, on some level in his psyche, that he shouldn't be doing it. Use the old Dr. Phil analysis on your husband -- "If you wouldn't do it in front of your (spouse), it's cheating." It really is as simple as that.

So you wonder if you should approach him on the subject again. Why? What is to be served by keeping silent and putting up with it? SC, one walks a fine line when discussing "proof" in such situations. You don't need evidence of a grade high enough to stand up in court. You just need enough to satisfy yourself you know what is going on, because HE already knows exactly what he's doing.

I don't know anything more about your situation than you wrote above. The lack of trust you have in your husband at this point seems well justified, and I'm not sure how you can proceed in a marriage without being able to trust your partner. Frankly, you and he need to drop back to the first incidence of this on-line nonsense and really and truly repair that breach. Whether you think so or not, neither of you actually healed.

Can you find a good, marriage-oriented marital counselor in your local area? Better yet, if you can use the Harley's telephone counseling service, you could get some professional assistance very quickly.

Hang in there.

LH

ok in my situation I have alot of other posts on here and one especially that explains my whole relationship and what has happened in the past.. I just didnt want to go throught the whole spill again.. So thats why in this one i just explained what was going on.. and as far as marriage counseling goes there is no way I can afford that at all.. We pay for his therapist dealing with his porn issue.. So as you can see I take alot from him... And to be totally honest I have no idea why I still stick it out.... This is my 2nd marriage and I just turned 30 about 6 months ago... Alot of it is I am Catholic and we dont believe in divorce but my ex husband was not so thats why that one happened. Anyway I am just at my wits end and dont know what else I can do... Everyone keeps telling me that I will never be able to change him and all and all they are probably right...

What are YOUR personal and M boundaries?

It is all about YOUR boundaries...

me I'd leave
I wouldn't waste time living with someone who uses so many people....

he can change though...
but I don't know that he'd change with you there...
the stakes need to be high enough to illicit change

and since you have verbally explained why this is dangerous to a marriage...there has been no effect...

have you considered plan b...

ARK

No I have no considered plan B yet... But after reading what you wrote that really makes me think though. That maybe we should seperate for a while then maybe he would make the necesary changes that need to be done..I really do love my husband outside from his issues he a good man. He has always said he thought i would never leave no matter what he did... So maybe if I do he would know that I am serious...And I agree with you when you say that the stakes need to be set high for a change to occur.. I will take that into deep consideration... Thanks for the advice..