Post deleted by fevrier

fevrier

See a priest for guidance on how to tell your children and your financial concerns.

You feel nothing for them now but they are his daughters.

Do they need a college education. It's the parent's job to help their children to get through college. In the US it's the dad's responsibility to pay for the daughters wedding.

Even if these girls are not gold diggers looking for a meal ticket they are as any other child looking to connect with their father and siblings. Whether full or half.

See a lawyer about inheritance. There are ways to transfer wealth/assets that will leave WH with nothing left to inherit.

When did the affair end?

How long did it last?

Why did it end?

When did your husband learn of these two daughters?

What prompted these girls to come looking for their dad?

Did they have a step dad?

Did your H provide any support of these children over the years? I am so sorry for this, what a shock to realize your entire M has been built on lies. You need to tell your children before someone else does. Please get legal advice as well. In our state as long as you name the child in the will, you do NOT have to leave them anything. It is all about intent. I had a lawyer explain it me to and my FWH.

In the meantime, I am concerned about *you*. Have you and your H worked through the betrayal? Has he given you the details of the A? Is he in contact with these girls? How is your MIL? What a horrid thing to do to an old woman like that and shame, shame, shame on your H for denying the truth when it first came out!

I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling! I know it well. It is a horrible, cruel thing your H has done to you. I hope he is taking responsibility for this act and coming clean about all the information you need to hear. Do you have someone supportive you can talk to? A good counselor can help as well. You may need that to help you put yourself back together. But it may take a long time. This is not a wound that easily heals.

Have these two girls has contact with you H? It seems they may have and realized they were not going to get anywhere and that is why they approached your mother and MIL and went to court. He may have been stonewalling them to keep you from finding out his lies. He is going to have to tell the truth, but he will not want to.........to protect you (in his mind). To late for that.

Even though these girls are his biological daughters, he is not their father. Fatherhood is as much about parenting and biology. At their ages, you do not owe them anything financially, college or inheritance. The inheritance issue is an easy one to fix........parents don't have to give their children anything, but they need to be named in the will and told such, so they can't contest it. Contact a lawyer about the financial issues.

But you and your H have a lot of work to do. And you will need to find out what the girls want. Of course, they want to know who their father is (assuming they don't already know) and they want to find out their other family. This would be normal. I expect one day to have a similar experience with the OC in our case......our children do not know about her either. But I do expect it and I am not sure what I will do then, but I have had time to get used to the idea. Your shock must be unbelievable!

I hope your H is humble and open to you. Complete honesty is the only way to START to recover your marriage. If you perceive further secrets or "gas lighting", it will be a very difficult road and full of continued pain.

There are many people who understand where you are coming from, some who have multiple OC's like you. They can help, if you hang around.

Take care. Don't make any rash decisions yet. Your life can be repaired and you can recover, although I know it doesn't seem like it now. Or in the near future. But it can.

He had his dance. Now WH has to pay the band.

These girls did not ask to be born. It was bad enough that WH denied them his financial responsibility by not paying child support.

How can anyone justify that as a father, WH should be excuse to at least pay for them to go to college. Help them as any father would help their child get a start in life as a young adult.

It sucks for the BW, children of the family. The OC are not the ones to have to pay.

The WH and the OW are the one's that have to be held accountable. Held accountable means taking care of all of his children. How can anyone justify that parent should not take care of his children? What did these children do wrong?

I wonder if there was to be mandatory DNA testing for every child born would "adults" that are so in love when they were having an affair would forget about using birth control.

[color:"green"]Would financial responsibility, a college education, or paid wedding expenses still be required, in your eyes, if the parents decided to give their child up for adoption? What if the father was ALLOWED to sign away his rights for another man to step in as father?

Granted, all those scenarios would have REQUIRED the OW to have given the bio-father a CHOICE in the matter wouldn't it? That's NOT usually the case in an affair pregnancy situation.

I am finding that most men who walk away from a unexpected pregnancy by the OW, are walking away because they have no other choice in the matter. She will most likely have the child REGARDLESS of what he may want. A MM has no other CHOICE afforded to him, AFTER SLEEPING WITH AND GETTING OW PREGNANT, but to suck it up and fall in line with what the OW/OC wants/needs or...walking away.

No parent is LEGALLY obligated to finance a college education or a wedding. Please don't confuse the OW/OC situation with the responsibilities a couple chooses in an intact family. Sure, ALL the children are innocent, but some of the children will have to live with choices their mother MADE for them. It's the consequences they are paying for their MOTHER'S choices. Sad...but true. If an OW chooses to have a child by a MM, no one can REQUIRE the MM to treat the situation as if she is his wife. If the BW & MM choose to be big enough to step up and "rescue" the OW by providing the OC with incidental support (education/wedding expenses) & inheritance, that is not a birth right...that is FORTUNATE.

4ever[/color]

Post deleted by fevrier

My last post how got lost.

Short version:

I played devils advocate.
You need to seek the advice of a priest and a lawyer. This is too complicated and painful for posters to handle. No decision that has to be made will be black or white. Professional help is needed to find the mid ground.

There are too many legal and moral decisions to be made without professional help.

I admit that if my W had an OM's child my first position would be: No way am I going to pay for anything that has to do with that OC. Hospital delivery diapers child care heatlh care clothes etc.

Would I have bent on this? No way, but never having had this happen who knows.

No one thinks they will stay and deal with the fallout of this type of disaster. No one thinks they will stay with a man or woman who has had an affair, short or long, that produces an illegitamate child. It is everyone's worse nightmare.

But you are correct in assuming that you never know, until it happens to you, what you will do. I never thought I would try to work it out, until I was there and faced with all the decisions for myself and my children (they were not being considered by my H, so I had to). And the idea that my precious children would be instantly involved with the OW during visitation if I gave up right away. I told myself.......I can ALWAYS get divorced. I may not always be able to try and save the marriage and my family.

There are dozens of considerations, not just wounded pride and shredded soul. Kids, history, financials, religion, circumstances of events, remorse of the offender, etc. It is very complicated.

I agree that professional help is important, whether you find a counselor or clergy, it is helpful to have that resource.

However, don't discount the value of posters who have been there before you! It is invaluable experience that VERY FEW therapists and certainly priests, have had. Advice, experience and suggestions from real experience. Priceless, IMHO.

Check out the website at the bottome of faithful's post to you. See what I mean.
The MB website has loads of valuable info to help your marriage and see into the mind of the WH. But the added pain of an OC, or two, is a different creature. One that thankfully, most victims of A's don't have to deal with.
But there are more of us than you might think.

Build your support team of family, professional and friends. Anywhere you find support and understanding, is a benefit to you! Even on the internet.

Thank you, Lbelle.



Don't think for a single minute that this is true. Lbelle is right. Go to Survivingbetrayal.com. Faithful, Lbelle, and I are all memebers of that website. You will find the best help for this situation there. This site is great for marriage rebuilding..the other is better for those with an OC involved.

My H and I have C with OC. We are currently seeking custody of OC. My story and those of the other wonderful people on the SB website will help you to figure out what you need to do. You will find much help and support there.

I would also suggest that people who do not have an OC in their situation not try to discourage those that do.

Post deleted by fevrier

Post deleted by fevrier

I understand. My H did not want anymore children either. We are now in recovery and NC with OC. Very sad situation all the way around. Over on SB we have two BW's that did not know about the OC for many years. You are not (unfortunately) alone.

Why wait until they are 18? OW would have gotten child support, insurance, etc. for the girls before and gotten DNA or some other way to prove paternity. But now that they are 18, other than DNA testing, what are they hoping to gain? They can't force your H to be their "father". They can't make him pay for college or give inheritance or really insist on being part of your family. If they are strictly looking for money, I think they waited too long.

What do you think they hope to gain out of going to court? Have they filed any sort of complaint or seeking any sort of remedy for themselves?

I am so sorry they are spreading themselves and misinformation around you town. That is incredibly hurtful to you, I know. Is their any chance any of it is true and your H has covered it up? Just asking.

Have a great trip to Mexico. I suspect it will not be the trip you would have liked to take. I went away for a bit, after d-day. But you never really get away, do you? 24/7.

I feel compelled to ask this, as well. It's what I've been thinking all along. Your responses about how sure you are about your husband sound very much like every other BS who is sure their spouse was sincere or just misunderstood or had a momentary weakness. I really hope you will protect yourself from believing this wholeheartedly without snooping. Only because if you don't, and he hasn't been wholly honest, he may continue.

Please STOP defending your H and his CHOICES. He is NOT a victim of OW. He is the CAUSE of much misery, in fact, it seems he's done nothing but hurt people for 20 years. Himself, OW, you, your children, OW's children. . The ULTIMATE responsibility for this lies with him. I do not see how you begin to deal with this until you both truly accept that.

Not one child, but 2!? He was drugged and raped? Uh-huh.

Unless you live where laws are very different, then the adult children should have no financial recourse to you or your H's money. I would however consult with an attorney and demand that your H do whatever is necessary to protect you and your children's financial future.

Post deleted by fevrier

Post deleted by fevrier

Ya know fevrier, I don't have any business even being in this forum. Nothing in my life experience has qualified me to even have an opinion on what you are dealing with, let alone attempt to give advice.

I just read your story, and what you are going through, what your H did, disgusted and angered me. I just can't believe that anyone could do that to someone else.

I felt what must be the smallest part of your pain in your words, and I reacted to it and it showed in my post.

I don't have a freakin' clue what you should do. But I wish you the peace and strength to get through this horrible mess.

I have been where you are and can offer support. Several members from SB told me of your plight and asked me to contact you.

When I know you have read this I will proceed.
Edited to add:

I would prefer we take this matter over to SB, where I am better acquainted. I only joined MB to locate you and make initial contact.

Others in SB have mentioned you joined last night. SB is a better place for you, as OCs are what that site is all about. I will monitor SB for your intro post and go from there, as I have some history on you now.