My spouse of 14 years constantly thinks aloud about women to me. What is going on? He has turned me into a frat buddy. If there is a woman in the room, any woman, he makes a beeline for her. What I am saying is that he seems desperate to make physical contact with strangers, check out clerks at grocery stores, the H&R block staff, doctors, nurses, librarians, babysitters, anyone and everyone. Every school function of our children turns out to be a time for him to start acting like he is having sex with a woman. He is shifty. He has little regard for the marital or relational status of a woman. He has to go stand behind her. I cannot talk about a woman without him becoming transfixed. I cannot have a woman friend because he will insert himself and start making moves. He has to look into their eyes. He forgets he is with me when we go out. Sometimes it is repulsive because, and I hate to say this, he is drawn to people who he would not have married but somehow finds attractive now. What I am saying is that he runs after any and every person that has breasts. Today was the last straw. He could not stop talking about men being attracted to women with big breasts and somehow I am lucky because of that and how he married me for that reason. He makes me out to be interchangeable, worse, just some sounding board. On Valentine's Day, he had to talk about the women he could not be with. He has no passion, no feelings, just obsessed with women. He has to go and make as if he is having sex with every woman he sees. When I ask him why he needs to chase women when he has me, and I am in good shape and attractive and succesful, I feel, he makes it out to be my insecurity. In other words, he thrusts me aside and when I strike back he turns it against my looks. He runs after unpleasant and mean women who are not really good looking either. In short, he has some kind of obsessive compulsive disorder where he has to hit on every woman he sees and then makes it out to be my deficiency.

Okay, I'll take a stab at this....it does sound like he has OCD. Underneath the OCD behaviors is a great deal of anxiety. Perhaps he is insecure in his looks, his ability to attract women or maybe his self-esteem is ultra low. Either way, he is looking to soothe his anxiety with this 'acting out' behavior. That's all that OCD is - a method of calming one's anxiety and fears, albeit usually using an irrational or ineffective method. By this point, he behavior has become a compulsive habit. One that he will probably not be able to change with some counseling.

Has he actually cheated? When you say he 'acts like he is having sex with a woman' exactly what do you mean? How do his 'victims' respond? Does he respond to attention you give him?

You may get more responds to this thread if you post it on the 'Emotional Needs' forum on this message board. It gets a lot more traffic. Good luck.

Devi - I am so sorry that this is happening to you. I have noticed this type of behavior in my husband as well as other married men, but not to the extent that your husband seems to be doing it. Sometimes when we are out to dinner with other couples, all of the men flirt with the waitress and I think "poor woman, she must be so tired of this" but if they want a good tip I'm sure they have learned to play up to the men's ego need to know they've "still got it". At times I think the men look downright foolish as they fawn all over some cute young woman young enough to be their daughter. It would be interesting if a man would post to this discussion to help us understand why they feel the need to be so "chariming" to other women. And as you pointed out, sometimes it is with women that their own standards would not allow them to consider as a date, much less a mate. It really stings to hear my husband describe another woman that he knew in the past from work as "drop dead gorgeous". The joints that cater to men, known as Gentlemen's Clubs in some places, know exactly how to tap into that ego need in a male, and that's why they make so much money. Men fall in love with women because of the way the women make them feel about themselves. The professional sex workers know that secret very well. You are definitely not alone in dealing with this type of behavior, but it does seem to be much more intense with your husband. Most men can cool it down out of consideration for their wife's feelings.

As for men discussing the anatomy and physical attractiveness of other women, the men in my circle of friends also do this, but they do not dwell on it. If it gets out of hand, some of us women start doing the same thing back to them to let them know how it feels. It is done partly in a spirit of jest, and we rate a waiter on a scale of 1 to 10, talk about what we like about his body, and flirt with him a bit. The men seem to get the point, and realize that they don't like us doing this.

Have you tried telling your husband how it makes you feel when he does these things, right after he does them? I mean, instead of asking him why he does them, just tell him what you are feeling. Would he be willing to do some of the program posted on this website (see Marriage Builders Main Concepts) if he understood how unhappy you are? You mention that you have been married for 14 years. Has he always been this way? Does he disregard your feelings in other ways?

Dear Devi:
Well, as often we are told men are "visual". Apparently that means they like to look. I have been told they will always look- a "problem" with the brain wiring <sadly>.
The issue I see is that he is doing it without regaurd for your feelings. As hard as this small piece of advice is to hear -- I"m telling you DON'T personalize it.

--I bet he'd be acting this way no matter who he was married to.

Has he always been prone to this behavior?
Or is it suddenly now haywire?
Why do you think it bothers you so much now?

The part you need to discuss with him is that this behavior is a huge love buster for you. (as would be most women, I think).
Is he willing to communicate in Love Buster language?

Has he ever done anything further than the "flirting"?--anything that would cause you alarm?