I just stumbled onto this forum via Google, specifically this article on angry outbursts:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3401_angry.html

I love my wife of four years and intend to make our marriage work. But we have a problem with anger. She gets extremely angry over what seem to me to be minor causes, with some frequency. These outbursts often result in her threatening to divorce me, yelling, swearing, calling me a loser and other names, etc. Sometimes this all happens in front of our two-year-old. It gets ugly fast. I always attempt to reel it back in and try to get her to conduct the conversation in a way where we can deal with whatever issues are at stake without the yelling and so forth. This is nearly always unsuccessful and the pattern will typically be that a disagreement goes on for an hour or so with her yelling at me and me trying to raise my points calmly and ask her to discuss hers calmly. At the end, there may be a resolution, but usually not. Quite often, she expresses her anger (loudly), blocks me from articulating my counterpoints in any satisfactory or complete way, then refuses to discuss it further, leaving me to stew. The whole process takes about an hour, sometimes longer.

The above article that I linked to recommends that the person who gets angry learn how to short-circuit their own angry habits and replace them with more positive habits. But what do you do if you are the target of the anger? Is there anything I can do to short-circuit the pattern?

I try to think of my points of influence. At what point in the pattern do I have some influence over how things turn out? I can think of two: one, at the beginning when I do the thing that sets her off and, two, at the end when I seek resolution. Realistically, I don't think there's much I can do to avoid her getting angry to begin with -- the catalysts of her anger are diverse and hard to predict. But I do think that sometimes my attempts to seek resolution only make it worse. I wish there was a way that I could say, hey, if you want to be angry, that's fine. I'm going to go in the other room and do something else and if you want to talk about this later, calmly, we can. But I can't do that. I have trouble walking away. I have this need to get her to stop yelling, to acknowledge that she's been unfair and over the top, and then to resolve the issue before bed time. She finds that oppressive. But to me, if she's allowed to have an outburst right now, why do I have to wait until tomorrow to get resolution?

What's the right thing to do here? If I could be more successful at just walking away from her anger and not letting it get to me -- not needing resolution -- would that short circuit her anger? Would it work? If so, are there any tips or strategies for developing the necessary skills to overcome my own need to not let any conversation end in anger and without resolution? Anyone have any experience with this? How do you get it done?

Thanks,
Theo

The only thing that ever worked for me was letting him know that when he was through with his tantrum I would be willing to discuss the matter. If he started back up again I had to let him know that I wasn't going to fight, fighting would only make it worse and let him know again that when he was ready, we could discuss things like adults. It really P'd him off to start with because he didn't like the fact that he was acting like a child and that I had noticed it - never mentiond that directly to him - but with time he saw that a fit would get him nowhere fast. And yes I understand the hard time with walking off - but that is an issue in yourself that you havae to learn to deal with. I hated it, I didn't like to walk off, but it worked and now I'm glad I learned how.... it's helped in lots of areas of life.

Oh I do agree, walking off is the ONLY way to avoid feeding the anger animal. Takes a while before it works as the anger animal will redouble its efforts to re-engage by following you.

Do a 180, shut yourself in the bathroom, lock the door and take a shower. This has the dual effect of cutting off the sound and being a soothing activity. She might thump on the door yelling but if there is no response, she will stop.

Eventually she needs to learn how to negotiate calmly. She may have had no example of this from her own childhood and may be pleasently surprised about how much more effective it is than just getting her way. Two heads are always better than one. But each time the anger animal appears, go back to the 180.

Negotiation has to be with a smile at all times (Harley rule).

An anger management course will help although I agree that it is difficult if she will not agree. Is her anger problem affecting other parts of her life too?

If you can't make any headway, you will eventually have to consider that you will need to make this a boundary; either she goes on a course or you separate from her until she does.

Great, thanks for the advice. I know you're both right, but it helps to hear it. If that's the only way to deal with it, then I'm just going to have to try to develop the ability. It's hard, because the more she gets angry about an issue and cuts me off in responding, the more I get invested in trying to explain myself or my side, but it's not really possible as long as she's angry. So I think I need to learn how to stop trying to have the discussion until later -- just let her blow off steam and we can return to the subject another time. Anyway, it won't be easy, but it helps to hear from people who have been through it that that's the only way.

Theo,

If she is being angry, something that might work is to repeat back to her what she's saying to you rather than trying to make counterpoints. Sometimes this can calm an angry person down a bit. However, if this doesn't work your best bet is to exit the conversation.

Here's an example of how this might work:
Her: I hate it how you never do the dishes!
You: You think that I never do the dishes. (Calmly)
Her: Yeah! And you expect me to do them for you!
You: And you think that I expect you to take care of the for you.

You see what I mean here, you aren't accepting blame for what she's saying, and you're not refuting what she says either. After a while she may calm down, or lose interest in the argument. It does take two fully engaged people to argue.

I'm all for repeating what someone says to be sure the message was conveyed about what is upsetting them. But I also feel it shouldn't stop at that. The hurt should be addressed and POJA'd.

Otherwise it'd feel condescending and put off. One of Dr. Harley's articles for "why women leave men" is because the hurt spouse's complaint is being ignored.