My WH and I have an issue regarding the use of our boat to take his ex-W's ashes, her sisters/families, & his children out to dump in the ocean (although I might like to dump most of them, of course, dumping only ex-W's ashes!).

A little history - Married 7.5 years, WH affair 3.5 years, DD 7/20/07. First no contact promised early Aug, sent an email containing only a joke within 4 hours (no contact=no contact). Second no contact promised, broken within 3 months; second DD Dec 2007. Third no contact promised Dec 2007 and to date I believe he is honoring third no contact. Marriage Builders weekend Oct 2007 Orlando.

Here's the question about POJA. His ex-W died in November 2007. History - when we were dating/committed, we all agreed to be 'friends'; once he proposed, friendship stopped. She didn't want him, but didn't want anyone else to have him (my feelings). Shortly after marriage, she attached my checking account (his name had been added) and claimed outstanding child support owed. $20,000 of attorney's fees and many court dates later, I got back less than half of my funds. As soon as she started legal proceedings, of course, neither H nor I talked with ex-W until shortly before her death when we all went out together to celebrate his D's birthday. It was pleasant and we all agreed to put aside hard feelings. I attended her memorial service, as hard as it was, with a music/slide show presentation rolling (in reception following ceremony) most of which were pictures of "their" lives together (through holidays, celebrations, birth of kids, boating together, etc.). While it was hard, I grinned and beared it while I felt everyone was staring at me waiting for reaction, but I was there for him and the children.

His ex-W was cremated, and sometime within a month of the service, his D and/or his S and the ex-W's sister asked him if he would use our boat to scatter his ex-W's ashes (with the whole family on the boat of course - about 14 of them) off the coast of Anna Maria island (about an hour and a half south of us by water). He agreed without even discussing it with me.

Please understand that I am still reeling because of his affair, because he took the OW numerous times to our beach condo for the PA, a neighbor saw them in our condo making love on the carpet/couch (they left the slider doors open to hear the waves I guess), etc. I have a very hard time with this violation since the condo belonged to ME before we were even married. I can't even think about the condo, much less go there as we always used to (it was our "special place") without thinking of H/OW.

Now I am supposed to just "understand" when he wants to use our boat with his children (D & S) and all of his ex-in-laws to scatter his deceased wife's ashes off Anna Maria where "they went every year for vacation when they were married". I fear that every time I step on OUR boat, I'll remember what it was used for again, as I already know that several times (at least 3 or 4), he took our boat out by himself to meet OW. Now he thinks I'm "crazy for connecting the dots as I am doing" about "always remembering scattering his dead wife's ashes"?????

Trying to use POJA, after telling him that I was so disappointed that he had agreed to do this without even discussing with me, I asked how he would feel about us just chartering a boat (paying for it ourselves) and having everyone meet us at Anna Maria by driving there in their cars, have a nice lunch, reminisce, and then using the chartered boat to go off shore to scatter the ashes. He immediately objected, saying I was asking him to "go back on his word to his children" and "It is just not a BIG deal". I strongly believe that his children don't care off whose boat mom's ashes are scattered. They care about honoring her wishes surrounded by family. Now he has said that "sure everyone can meet there by car, that's a great idea" but he DOESN'T CARE WHAT I THINK, he is going to use OUR boat regardless.

Am I just being overly sensitive, and I should just give in again and let him do as he wants? If I push this issue, like with everything else if I disagree with him "I am just out to WIN at all costs". I've tried talking to him about it but he just gets furious and yells about how I "always have to WIN".

I'd appreciate your input.

LLiF,

Quick question. Was your WH still married to his previous wife when you two started dating?

Jo

Hi Jo,

No, they were divorced. However, they dated on and off before we met. They had been divorced at least 4 years when we met.

LLiF

"Trying to use POJA, after telling him that I was so disappointed that he had agreed to do this without even discussing with me, I asked how he would feel about us just chartering a boat (paying for it ourselves) and having everyone meet us at Anna Maria by driving there in their cars, have a nice lunch, reminisce, and then using the chartered boat to go off shore to scatter the ashes. He immediately objected, saying I was asking him to "go back on his word to his children" and "It is just not a BIG deal". I strongly believe that his children don't care off whose boat mom's ashes are scattered. They care about honoring her wishes surrounded by family. Now he has said that "sure everyone can meet there by car, that's a great idea" but he DOESN'T CARE WHAT I THINK, he is going to use OUR boat regardless."

Good job on the POJA. At least you tried. Now he is set to make you look like a b*tch to his family. He should have asked you first, but like he says, HE DOESN'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK.

I would go ahead with tossing the ashes - to me this isn't a hill to die on.

Then I would start saving some money and protecting my assets. Your husband is not seeming to "get it".

Thanks, Believer. I'm glad you responded and I appreciate your time. Thanks for the input. For the last four hours, I've just gotten the "silent treatment". No matter what I try to do to respectfully let him know how I feel, encourage some open dialogue, etc., if it is remotely confrontational or we disagree whatsoever, I just get the "silent treatment".