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You have a lot of anger, that is evident, and it is spilling over into your responses, I wasn't angry until you offended me and referred to my actions as animalistic. I handled that anger "appropriately". I did not sin. I made a boundary against your abuse.
Husband was unfaithful to me before and after our marriage, at least 7 times. I found out 13 yrs into the marriage. Trickle truth for an entire year. Several different d-days, so it was more like a d-year. Difficult recovery.
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If you say so, then it must be true.
Choices. You chose.
If you truly want me to stop posting to you, why do you insist on posting TO me?
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One last thought, mopey. It was not my intention to offend you. I apologize that you perceived my post as offensive to you.
Sincerely, good luck with your efforts to recover.
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I'm not at all concerned with WS. IMHO, they are not deserving of consideration. So, how do I classify them...as I classify all WS...no good. Hm... Explains a good bit of the anger, then. This is a forum for survivors of infidelity. Now, infidelity must involve at least 3 people for it 2 be an A, right? Like a BS, WS, and OP, right? more than 3 people if the OP is married or in a committed relationship themselves. I submit that this board is for people trying 2 recover from infidelity, at least a third of which are WSs. Labeling such folk as worthless doesn't serve the purpose of this board, or even the BSs who comprise the majority of members of this forum and love their WSs and would like 2 see them encouraged 2 end their As. I submit that such a viewpoint would be much better served elsewhere. -ol' 2long Your premise is off....it is not about a BS, WS and OP. IMHO, it is about a BS, a FWS and the OP. Only two people in this equation deserve consideration. Your opinion regarding where I post my views is really irrelevant.
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MEDC - before I get to posting about what motivated me to read through your entire thread and decide to post anything I wanted to ask you question for you to consider regarding your passion for Jamesus' situation, because it obviously continues to "bother" you.
Since you have made your opinions and observations crystal clear to him, many times, isn't it about time you simply chose to stop commenting about his situation completely?
He understands your position. You have offered up your opinions and he has agreed with some of them and disagreed with some of them. He is doing things the way he chooses to them and is doing what he is doing now for the same reason we all choose actions or "plans". None of us can change or "undo" the past. All we can do is try to learn from the past and make changes that may alter the future. This is not about "making" someone do things the way "we" would do them. It is simply about giving advice, and the reasons why we think that advice might be good or have application for their given situation, but it is up to each individual to chart their own course. The GOAL is a recovered marriage. A secondary goal is to help those who wind up divorced to recover individually from the consequences of adultery and/or their own actions that may have been detrimental to a good loving marriage. The path to that goal, a recovered marriage or a recovered self following a divorce, has "many roads that lead to Rome." Perhaps it would be time to consider that "beating a horse" is not the same thing as leading a horse. Nor is leading a horse to water the same thing as making a horse drink your water when it might choose the water from someone else, or to not drink at all. No, FH...it wasn't time to back off. When the behaviors that James himself described as harmful to his situation continue...I feel the need to continue posting my thoughts about his continuing actions. So, with that point being in contention, there is really no reason to respond to the rest of the post. I will not respond on Jame's thread about anything else...in fact, the only reason it is remaining alive is because people continue asking me about it.
Last edited by mkeverydaycnt; 03/01/08 09:20 AM.
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I'm not at all concerned with WS. IMHO, they are not deserving of consideration. So, how do I classify them...as I classify all WS...no good. MEDC - maybe it would be helpful to consider that we are all created in the image of God and are, therefore, "worthy" of consideration. That is not the same thing as "agreeing with" sinful behavior, but it IS consistent with "hate the sin but love the sinner." For the record, we are ALL "no good" because of sin. God still considers us worthy of consideration, so much so that God the Son died for us to provide a "way back" to God. It is up to each of us to choose to accept or reject and actually receive forgiveness and restoration, but our response does not change God's love for each of us. On the one hand there are children of God who have responded and are "welcomed back into the family, forgiven and restored." On the other hand, there are children who do not repent and are sent to the electric chair as a consequence of their actions and choices. But God loves them nonetheless. His "consideration" of them endures until death, at which point He can no longer "consider them" worthy of consideration, they are blotted out of the Book of Life and entered into the book of eternal separation (death). We have until the time of our death to be "worthy of consideration." Sorry FH, once again I disagree with your thoughts here. We are NOT all due consideration. A person that STOPS being a WS is due all the help and consideration in the world...while they are wayward(hence the WS label)...they are, IMHO, useless.
Last edited by mkeverydaycnt; 03/01/08 09:00 AM.
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very much off topic here...but another beauthy brought to us by the pro choice (pro death) crowd! http://www.slate.com/id/2185090/
Last edited by mkeverydaycnt; 03/01/08 01:43 PM.
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very much off topic here...but another beauthy brought to us by the pro choice crowd! It is interesting. You'd think people would look at the social problems brought about in China due to the one-baby/family and sexual selection and realize this is a bad, bad idea. Julie
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Your opinion regarding where I post my views is really irrelevant. Ac2ally, it's not. But that's just your opinion. -ol' 2long
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Your opinion regarding where I post my views is really irrelevant. Ac2ally, it's not. But that's just your opinion. -ol' 2long I think its probably "irrelevant" to MEDC, which it should be.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Your opinion regarding where I post my views is really irrelevant. Ac2ally, it's not. But that's just your opinion. -ol' 2long I think its probably "irrelevant" to MEDC, which it should be. exactly
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I am only 5 days out from D-Day and I wish that I could find my anger. I thought that I had been in denial for the two years of the affair that I knew about and could never confirm. Now that I know about the second two years, I cannot even begin to grasp my anger.
I think that some people take longer to find it. I think some people don't know how to express it. I was trained for four years that it was my fault if I accused or was suspicious...I walked on eggshells without realizing it. It's a hard thing to unlearn, even when you know that you have every right. My husband has even told me that he wants me to get angry with him so that we can start healing.
Anger bubbles up to the surface in small bursts. I am sure that it will come for me. For others, I don't know. It's a complex emotion. As close to love as anything.
BW 37 (Me).
F?WH 35.
06/97 Married.
Three sons...4, 5, and 7.
06/04 EA begins (Unknown to me).
02/10/05 D-Day EA (Unknown PA).
02/24/08 D-Day LTA 3+ YEARS! (same OW).
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FH, Sincerely, good luck with your efforts to recover. Thank you.
Husband was unfaithful to me before and after our marriage, at least 7 times. I found out 13 yrs into the marriage. Trickle truth for an entire year. Several different d-days, so it was more like a d-year. Difficult recovery.
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MEDC,
Don't know if you remember me but I am one of those people that you are (along with MyRev, BryonP and others) railing against. To summarize, my ww has had affiars on four separate occassions and is currently involved with an OM whom she had an affair with about 10 years ago. I moved out of the house and into an apartment at her request (big mistake).
When I first posted 2 months ago I got a number of 2x4's on my head. Looking back at these post, I see that these were well deserved and cannot agree with you more on the self-respect issue. A long time poster has helped me a lot and I am finally rediscovering my b****. I will no longer tolerate the intolerable from my ww. I think what finally changed my attitude was looking at my three kids and thinking about how they would view good old dad as I was (a weak, frightened person).
I am meeting with a lawyer on Thursday to get divorce proceeedings on track. It's no longer about whether my marriage will recover and instead about whether I will recover and be the kind of father my kids deserve. My advise to others in my situation is to embrace the fear and move forward.
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I sincerely hope your situation works out the best for you and the kids. I am sorry you are having to go through so much pain but am happy that you have decided to take care of yourself moving forward.
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Mind if I take a step back to boundaries again? I loved Mulan's post and found it very helpful. But where I have trouble setting boundaries is when I'm unsure if I can follow through with enforcing them, even before the boundary has been crossed. This is totally a backbone issue (or rather, lack of backbone). It is something that plagues me in all aspects of my life, not just my STBX-marriage. It is one of the things I'm working on in my personal recovery but it's very difficult.
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you need to make a decision that you will enforce them. Have you sen a therapist? It sounds like you need some assertiveness training.
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Tabby, the good news is that when you learn to be strong and enforce boundaries within your marriage, it will spill over into other aspects of your life, as well.
It is actually easier to enforce boundaries outside your home, so once you learn it inside your home the worst is over.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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It is actually easier to enforce boundaries outside your home, so once you learn it inside your home the worst is over. I concur. I haven't had a lot of problems enforcing boundaries having to do with work, and with friends, co-workers, and any other relationships outside of family. I believe the less the emotional attachment, the easier to set boundaries. The biggest challenge for me has been with my family and in my marriage. I've done a lot toward family boundary building, still weak in some areas. It's really been the closest relationships that have been and continue to be my biggest challenge. From what I've read, and how I've begun, it's good to start with small boundaries and work your way up to the BIG ones.
Me-BS-38
Married 1997; son, 8yo
Divorced April 2009
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But where I have trouble setting boundaries is when I'm unsure if I can follow through with enforcing them, even before the boundary has been crossed. the boundary issue will feel uncomfortable to you - get used to it ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> This does not feel comfortable for any of us when we have to remove ourselves from risky behaviors of others - it does get easier with practice - but it will NEVER feel comfortable in the way that pleasing others feels comfortable
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