Hello everyone,

Well--where to start. After considering my options and debating whether or not my gut feelings and suspicions were correct (and ALWAYS doubting them), H and I had a long talk on Saturday and he basically admitted that he had been unfaithful to me by carrying on a secretive EA with this "friend," as well as by "considering" a PA w/ yet another woman (an ex-girlfriend from across the country). I told him everything, too--that I had snooped and read all of his texts (including the ones to and from these women on this past Valentine's Day, when he was supposedly working late), and that I knew he and the EA partner had been meeting secretively over the past year. He was shocked that I had been carrying this burden and had taken this long to tell him. Indeed, it just about destroyed me. I told him I had been sick about the snooping part, but that I had to because I thought I was losing my mind.

H told me that the EA partner/OW has "never understood our marriage" and thinks that I was a manipulative person who preyed on his giving and generous nature in order to get him to marry me. These were simply my guesses, which he confirmed almost word for word. Amazing. H also told me that when he broke up with me when we were dating (upon her suggestion or demand, still not sure which), he went to her and "cried on her shoulder" about it. I thought I was going to be sick when I heard that.

The thing that hurts the most is that he ALLOWED her to disrespect me, and indeed INVITED that by not defending me and my place as number one in his life. It also made me livid that he and she were discussing me, behind my back. It literally makes me ill that he thought that was in any way ok.

Upshot: I told him in no uncertain terms that in order for us to have even a chance of rebuilding trust, the EA has to be stopped, with no contact forevermore. He asked if he could handle that (how classic is that??), but I said no way, I had to be a part of it. When he calls to break it off, I will need to listen in on the conversation. I think we will have to be prepared for this women not taking it very well. My intuition tells me that she will "not go gently into that good night." As for the other woman with whom he was "considering" a PA, I've decided that I will compose the NC e-mail and have him send it from his computer.

I have not slept for two days, and cannot eat. I love my H and want the M to work. I told him so, and he said that he was very lucky to have me. I know he loves me and wants the marriage, but of course I doubt his ability to be satisfied with the attentions of just one woman. Who knows--I guess we'll find that out in time. I did tell him in no uncertain terms that I CANNOT go through this again. I am more than prepared to leave him if I am violated again in this way.

So---thanks to all for the advice and support. I cannot talk to anyone else in my life about this, so the responses I have received thus far have been invaluable in helping me cope.

Thanks again, <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
E

I think it would be smart for you to make some actual preparations ...

*put money aside (get a bank safe deposit box to stash important papers and cash)
*get advice from an attorney about separation agreement
*get a post office box set up to handle any mail you don't want him to see
*put a GPS on his car

sorry, so sorry

try & rest

why the heck not ?

GET someone in real life to talk to ... a pastor? a relative? a friend? your doctor?

Hi Pepper,
Yes, I have already begun changes in my life that would enable the separation, if it comes to that. Of course I have hopes that we have turned a corner, but my heart has been shredded, so I'm not really sure of anything anymore.
Thanks for your reply.
E

Pepper,
My parents are going through some very difficult times right now and are really unable to shoulder any more stress in their lives. So for now I cannot confide. My friends have already made up their minds that I should leave H. They are tired of hearing about it, and I can't blame them. I don't think they understand my willingness to stay and fight or the M. And I have to concede that not everyone would make that choice. But it's mine to make. Also, I don't have funds available for intensive counseling or anything like that. I've purchased Not Just Friends and have been slowly getting through it and highlighting salient passages. Tonight my H and I will review it as a guide for what we need to do next.
E

editrix, Dr.Harley recommends that the affair be ended in the form of a LETTER. A phone call will only rekindle your H's feelings from hearing her voice and make it harder for him to tell her goodbye.

The letter should be written by him, approved by you and mailed together. Here is a sample letter from Surviving an Affair:

[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

I would also suggest placing a keylogger on his computer to ensure he does not contact the OW anymore. You can get one that will email daily reports to you at www.spectorpro.com. The one that emails reports is called eblaster.


I am confused about why you feel "sick" about snooping since it very probably saved your marriage. If you had been snooping all along, the affairs might not have started in the first place. It is not a lack of trust that ruins marriages, but a lack of BOUNDARIES. Complete transparency is very good for a marriage and prevents secret second lives.

E,

I think a lot of people would say "you should leave him" or "once a cheater always a cheater" typer stuff. But until you have been in that situation none of us really know what we would do.

Having an affair is the one thing i told my FWH that i would never put up with, we had both always said that if we decided we wanted to be with someone else we would let the other one know and just leave the marriage.

Well he had an affair and i forgave him. To each his own.

Melody, of course you are right. We will be composing the letter tonight, and will be mailing it together tomorrow. At first I thought I would give him time to think about what to say, but then I realised that the waiting was killing me. Why should I give him the lixury of time? I have to have these women out of our lives NOW.

Unfortunately I can't place a keylogger on his computer. We don't have one at home, and the one he uses at work is off limits to me because of security issues there. So there is no way I can be 100% certain that he isn't contacting OW. Furthermore, even though I have asked for all passwords to his e-mail accounts, he can always create others. So, some of this by necessity will have to be taken on trust (not that there's much of that at the moment). The one thing I have learned, however, is to trust my intuition. I just can't believe how SPOT ON I was about even the smallest details. Truly amazing. I will certainly draw upon that nest time, if there is a next time. For example, if OW tries to stay in touch with him, I think I will probably know about it.

Of course the snooping served to confirm my fears, so in that sense I am grateful that I had the courage to go through with it. That said, any kind of duplicity gives me pause, even that which is ultimately serving to heal the marriage. I have think about it in more Machiavellian terms, I guess--"the ends justify the means."

Thanks again for your feedback, Melody--it is sooo appreciated suring this tough time.

p.s. Is it normal after discovery to be passionately attracted to your WS one moment, and sick and angry to the point of breaking things/people the next? Just wondering...

Not at all, edit. It is not deceitful to catch someone being untrustworthy. It is deceitful to HAVE AN AFFAIR, it is not deceitful to catch them. You are looking at this the wrong way and are mischaracterizing snooping as a form of deceit. It is anything but.

Do you think the FBI is being "duplicitious" when they spy on drug lords and use that intel to bust them? Of course not, that would be silly.

It is duplicitious to have an affair and lie; it is NOT duplicitious to CATCH that person.

NO ONE has the right to the privacy to have an affair. It would be foolish to afford unwarranted trust to your husband right now, edit. He is UNTRUSTWORTHY. Trust must be earned, it is not an entitlement.

Snooping is an honorable, virtuous behavior that will ensure that neither of you lead the secret second life required to have an affair. Again, it is not lack of trust that ruins marriages, but lack of BOUNDARIES.

Dr. Harley:


entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

Melody,
All I can say is WOW! I never really thought of it in those terms before. I think the comparison to the FBI is apt, and really does cast a whole new light on what I did

I remember someone on this site saying that there is no need for privacy in a marriage. I said that to my H the other night and he asked why I thought that, and aren't some things really no-one else's business but your own, etc. Can you give me a good reason why there is no need for privacy in a M? because I didn't have a well-thought-out answer to give him him--although I know in my heart it is true! lol

The good news is that hubby is willing to be open and transparent, or at least he says that he is. That could change, of course, when he realises that he will be losing his relationship w/ the OW

And for the record, it really amazed and horrified me when he told me all the hurtful things she said about me, and yet he never stood up for me (well, he says he did, told her that he loved me and loved being married to me, blah blah blah). But the reality is that he stayed in the relationship with her and allowed her to dis me, ignore me, and denigrate me TO HIS FACE. I am so glad this is out in the open now. At least I know what I am dealing with. Whew.

thanks again for taking the time to reply to me.

If you are his wife and committed to sharing a life with him, then everything [almost] is your business because it effects you too. Everything he does effects you and everything you do effects him. You are ENTITLED to know anything that effects your life.

Secondly, radical honesty about your lives is required to build intimacy. Secrecy and dishonesty are lovebusters that destroy romantic love. It not only protects you both from affairs, but it creates INTIMACY.

Here is a good article about Radical honesty: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_honesty.html

Requirements for Recovery from an affair: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post3370294

Now, there are a few things that do fall into the justified privacy category, and that would be privacy in the powder room.