H wants to snowmobile instead of having easter dinner with family.
We have a winter cabin, spend all of our free time there..(3 weeks of vacation, and all weekends, and some of them 4 day weekends).

Easter sunday is one day. H says "I could give a s**t about eating ham at your brothers house."

H's family is fragmented, father and sister on other coast, and he makes no effort to stay in touch with the family he has here.

I have been going to most of the family gatherings alone. I am tired of that. This man of mine has turned into someone I don't even know anymore.

I thought the fog had lifted. Silly me. My family really loves him, treats him great, always have, geez I don't know what to think anymore.

Making things more difficult is the fact that most of his "buddies" are going through marital problems...it's like some kind of Virus.Do all men 40 and up do this crap to their families?. I feel like I am drowning.

Today I feel like the rug has been pulled out from me. This man loved to get together with my brosthers and sisters. We used to have so much fun. What has happened?

I know there are people on here with problems way worse than mine, it's just that I don't get how selfish and self centered he has become.

We rent this cabin for the whole winter. We go EVERY WEEKEND, and then another 3 full weeks on top of that. It's never enough for him.

I am so depressed. I feel like I have lost my best friend. I attempt to explain as lovingly and non love busting as I can that I need to do things I like,....if he gives in, he'll just go off and pout, like he usually does.

If I go without him, (and I have been doing just that, for like 2 years, and I am sick of it)he gets back at me. Please someone help me. Right now every aspect of my life is crap.

Some questions:

1) Do YOU enjoy Easter with the family?
2) Easter is early this year, would you be at the cabin if not for Easter?
3) Do you enjoy going to the cabin?
4) Are there other issues, or is this just the latest?

I guess I'd have to ask in what context this falls in terms of your whole life path. You sound very close to walking. Are you? If so, this could be the type of situation that you use to define your boundaries, i.e., set him down and tell him this is a deal breaker - his not being willing to meet this need, not wanting to talk things out.

I'm not condoning leaving, just saying that if that is indeed the point you're at, I'd want you to give him the opportunity to realize how serious you are before you make the move.

I'm sorry I don't remember your story from other threads, but are you/have you incorporated the MB stuff yet? Have you gone through all the eliminating LBs and filling ENs, all that stuff?

catperson, I am on the edge of the proverbial cliff...

Yes, I love to snowmobile, love it up north (we are both huge winter sports enthusiasts)
yes, we would be up there during Easter weekend ...easter has come in March several times (that I can recall) over the years. I have generally given in and gone north during that holiday, to make my H happy.

I am from a big family, and my siblings and I are very close. I have 7 nephews and a grandson...I am a holiday person. I love giving the kids easter baskets, doing the easter egg hunt...even my brothers ham (o.k., it's a little dry LOL).

My H lost his mother 12 years ago. She was the glue that held his family together. The rest of his relatives (with a couple of exceptions) don't get together all that much.

I believe because of that he doesn't care about family get togethers anymore. (We spent every Sunday @ his parents, when mom was alive having dinner, did vacations together, I loved my MIL dearly, and I miss her too).

During the last 4 years, we have had a lot of up-heavel in our lives, huge changes.My sweet, funny, and generally kind H has changed, and has been on this "I, Me, MY" path. He feels that if he doesn't want to do something, he doesn't have too. And if I don't like it, I can leave.

He actually said(after we read HNHN, I went through a ream of paper printing out info on this site)"I AM HAPPY, SO YOU SHOULD BE HAPPY"

How do you rationalize with someone who acts and thinks like we all orbit around him? That is my question, and my dilemma.I married someone (and you folks may have someone like this in your life) that has a very big ego, very arrogant, and he is never wrong. Funny, but the alpha male part of his personality was what I was attracted to. (I am an alpha type myself)

It gets to a point where I no longer get much out of this marriage.

We talked about this. I told him that he just can't get his way all the time.Period. I don't know of any other way to put it. If you want a relationship with someone, you have to share, you have to be willing to compromise.

He feels very put out, if I say lets order chinese instead of pizza..and if we order chinese instead of pizza, he views it as losing, and me getting my way.

Ya, this is a dealbreaker for me.

Tonight we have our counseling session. I will entrust our MC to help me address this.

Thanks everyone who typed. It helps me alot.

I guess the only thing I can think of is to make sure he is very clear that you will not stay, then. That he can have his ego stroking, and his winning, but he will have it alone. Is it worth it?

Many men have trouble being vulnerable, or seen as not right all the time. I see it kind of like an alcoholic, who will avoid, avoid, avoid, until the whole world knows but him, and he finally falls flat on his face. Sometimes you reach the point that that last bastion of maledom - invulnerability - has to be thrown out the window if you want a relationship. Maybe the MC can address this. Good luck.

ps: And boy do I commiserate!

btw, have we discussed a possible affair with you? That's one of the main reasons for such a personality change. It may be in the past, but it could have had this impact on him, that he no longer is willing to work with you. Or it could just be a midlife crisis; if so, the MC really needs to keep that in mind, because his whole guiding guidelines could now be skewed from what he used to be.

Also, if he was that close to his mom, has that been addressed in terms of the apparent goodness you have in your family, vs what he no longer has in his? He may be jealous, or it may simply hurt to be around them. I come from a screwed up family like his, and I know it is literally mentally painful for me to be around other families who had/have what I always dreamed of having. It makes me feel sorry for myself, depressed, profoundly sad, and angry on what I missed out on. Angry at my parents, extended family, even others' good families. Crazy, I know, but there it is.

It sounds to me like you have a lot that needs to be worked out. Way past, whither thou goest, I go.

It also sounds like he doesn't want to be a partner in your shared life.

I hope it works out, but you both have to want it.

I believe he had an affair. As you say, in the past. No "concrete" proof on my part.(I could'nt get him to admit to it, he has a problem with honesty, always has)Signs though, all over the place.

Before I foumd this forum, I was doing plan A....I have posted some of this on other threads.

We started counseling (I insisted). He walked out of the first few sessions.

It has taken 8 mos to get him to participate. I believe:
He had a PA
He is also going through a "midlife" crisis (god I absolutely hate that term now)
He is jealous I have a family, and he doesn't. (That has come out here and there).

And, he is doing eveything in his power to hang on to the past.

He wallows so much in it if he doesn't stop whining and pouting he will miss out on "life"; Life is happening is what I mean. It doesn't stop and wait for us.

I have reached a point where I have no more sympathy for this guy. He is a hypocrite. He wants so much more from me than he is willing to give himself. That is the deal.


He has such an inflated sense of entitlement, his head is so freakin' big, I am starting to hate him.

All of these things I have told him. Its like watching a toddler have a fit on the floor of the grocery store because he can't have his way.

One of my other challenges is that he is surrounded right now by other men who seem to be experiencing the exact same attitude. So his "poor me, my wife is such a b***h, she expects me to come home, help with the house, be a good husband, put my $ in the bank"

Like somehow I am supposed to sit by and let him do as he pleases?

SB, I am so sorry to read your thread, that must be so painful. I pray that you find a resolution there. Please know that your presence and your family's presence are valuable. Would you consider calling the Harleys to get some insight, motivation, and a plan before you are too far in withdrawal to be willing to fight for your marriage anymore.

You are sharing your O&H with him, which is great, but you're still doing lots of things that you are not enthusiastic about and taking on your own shoulders the consequences of his actions instead of leaving them with him. I think you're going to need help figuring out how to withdraw your support of his behavior. I think it is more than most of us could do alone.

What about asking your extended family and his extended family for help? What a burden to carry alone! Would your family members be willing to ask him directly on the phone or in person if he will be coming, instead of you left holding the excuse bag? Would they be willing to invite your H's friends?

I really like ears_open's suggestions. It is sad that your husband might be jealous you have a family and he doesn't. He should feel like your family IS his family too. Maybe if they call and invite him personally he'll feel more like that. You mentioned earlier that he got along well with your brothers before. Did something happen to change that? Good luck. It sounds like family time would be good to recharge both of you.