I am trying to spy on my H... a FWH, and a possible current WH.

Problem is, his last A started on the computer (posted himself as single on a dating website, met the woman, took her out dates, told her he was divorced, that he was moving to be with her, met her family... blech). So- I'd really like to "monitor" his computer usage. Plus, I did read some questionable emails a few months back sent to another woman that he took out for lunch once. He claims he hasn't talked to her since.

Problem?

He has a lap top from his work that he uses from home with a wireless internet connection. Our desktop at home is broken (won't turn on anymore, it was really old) so that's all he uses anymore.

I don't have passwords to ANY of his accounts-- yahoo mail or his work email-- or myspace account or anything. I've tried "guessing"-- but he's made them hard. I can't figure them out.

The whole "work computer" thing makes it hard to monitor his usage too, and what he's doing, because he has a screensaver with a password set (has to for work, actually, he's not being shady about it)--- but won't tell me the password (that is shady). If I ask to use his computer, he types it in and hands it to me... and then hovers while I use it (shady). It also has some fancy password (which I DO know) when the computer first starts up, before you even get to the windows screens.

I've asked to see his work email account randomly-- he refuses. Says "I'm not entitled to that". That is shady also. Although, I have looked over his shoulder when he's checking it before and haven't noticed anything.

I don't think there's anything going on-- well, I hope there isn't. But this computer thing REALLY bugs me.

I don't think I can put a keylogger on his work computer. It probably wouldn't even let me-- there's certain programs he can't even put on that computer.

I hate that he has this whole stupid computer where he can do whatever he wants and I can't do anything about it... or spy.

Anyone else have this problem??? Once or twice I've been able to get my hands on it when he gets in the shower or something before the screensaver kicks on and root thru his work email... but I haven't had that opportunity since before Christmas.


My question:

Is there anyway that I can "monitor" what he's doing via our wireless router?? Like somehow set up the router to "save" what he does from home so that I can see it later?? I think that is about the only way I'd be able to see what he's doing with that stinking work computer... grr.

Suggestions from computer gurus?

TT

Can you post the specific model of wireless router you have? And do you have all the passwords you need to get into it without arousing suspicion on his part?

I think the best you're going to get out of a wireless router is a record of what IP addresses and domains the traffic is going to/from. So if he has a hidden hotmail account, you'd probably find that, but probably not what his username/password or the contents of the emails are.

We don't have any passwords set up on the router (I have a mac, and for some reason when you set up a password on our router, my computer won't connect anymore, so we just got rid of the password all together).

It is a link-sys model. I don't know what model number it is-- but I could get that from home (I'm at work right now).

Any info I could get right now is better than nothing.... I actually considered buying a new desktop just in hopes that he would use it occasionally to check whatever and I could install a keylogger there and capture stuff.

TT

TeaTea,

Like most BS's here you are taking the wrong tack.

You have caught him doing everything but actually marrying another woman.

It is he who needs to be doing everything to allay your fears and not the other way around.

Anything less implies that YOU did a very cr*ppy job with demonstrating your boundaries when you caught him the first time.

I would look him in the face and tell him unless he CONVINCES you in the next 30 days that he is as committed to your M as you are, he should expect to find his bags packed and on the front porch on day 31.

And mean it

Hey Cymanca-

I dunno if you've read thru my thread. The sitch is a little complicated. I've got two of them going right now... one has fallen to at least the third or fourth page (I don't know how to do the link thing, sorry), and the other is still hovering on the first page. The one that has fallen is the original, older thread.

My H's self entitlement on this comes from the fact that I was not faithful myself. As a (VERY, VERY) brief history... he had 2 EAs while he was out of town working. Claims only E, but I have long suspected PA also-- not because I have any evidence other than how immediately defensive and angry he gets when you bring it up, and his past tendencies. I had a year long EA, with one P encounter (but no intercourse). His third EA-- the one that I spoke about above-- occurred after I had moved out of the house (but he was still "trying" and "working on us". Now, granted, I was involved in an EA at the time...). But he covered it up, and when I discovered it, he lied about it. I found out the REAL truth from the OW, who was shocked when she found out she was being lied to too.

Anyways-- the sitch is complicated because NEITHER ONE OF US is innocent, and therefore neither one of us can really get up on a box and start ordering the other around.

My A is over, I am in NC-- have been for awhile, I have my suspicions about him because of the way he continues to behave now (which isn't all that unlike how he behaved when he was involved in his 3rd EA).

Complicated!

TT

TT, you both need to give 100% transparency, and soon.

I am. He has all of my password to all of my accounts. I have TOLD him to check up on me. Told him that if he wants-- when we are not together (ie, I say I am grocery shopping or something)-- to call me and tell me to send him a picture message of something of his choosing right then and there (ie, say I say I'm at the grocery store, he could call and ask me to send him a picture message of our produce isle... you get the idea-- something specific so I couldn't just make it up-- you get the idea).

I have willingly invited him to come to my work, whenever he wants (OM used to work here, no longer does). I have invited him to follow me wherever. He has access to my cell phone records. I have changed my phone number, sent a NC letter, and blocked OM from emailing me. I told H that he can open my paper credit card statement every month and pour over it if he would like.

So-- long story short, I'm holding up my end of the bargain. He refuses. Says that I don't "deserve" it after what I did to him. Says he was willing a long time ago, but no longer is (I don't think this is true, I think he's just saying that to get to me, but whatever).

He doesn't want to commit to recovery. Him being transparent would be a step in that direction so he fights it. He doesn't want me to leave either. Says he "doesn't know what he wants" and ILYBINILWY". And that he doesn't know if he wants the marriage or not. Etc etc. That nothing was ever good in the marriage. Read any WS fog babble. That's the crap he spews to me now. But doesn't want me to leave. Likes to have his cake and eat it too.....

Complicated, eh?

TT

Well I would use the belt and braces technique. Yes, you need to make firmer boundaries but you can in the meantime checkup on his traffic too.

You can't install a keylogger but you can put a packet sniffer on the network. How computer savvy are you? I can help you but you do need to be ok with tinkering a bit.

Oh jesus.... I think I understood about 3 words above! And "belt and braces" sounds like something my mom used to threaten me with if I didn't behave when I was little... and a packet sniffer reminds me of a dog at the airport sniffing luggage... ha!

I am proficient at USING them... I can tinker away. But in terms of programming language and stuff... I'm pretty much a dud there.

Explain further?

TT

There are physical key loggers that you can get, but they would be easy to spot on a laptop. Easier to use on a desktop where you can route the keyboard through it to get keypresses.

You may be able to get a keylogger on his work computer, but it will take a little bit of setting changes on your part.

You need to find a program first. There are websites you can get free keyloggers which aren't big programs.

I am not sure if it exists anymore, but you can go to www.actualkeylogger.com and get a small program that will do the job.

You have to get the computer alone, however. You need to disable anti-virus and anti-spyware.

You need to install the program and then go into the anti-virus and anti-spy ware to tell those programs to ignore keylogger.

Some programs are able to send you emails with reports and do so when running in the background.

I hope this helps you.

Thanks pomdbd3. H is an auditor, so his work computer is super secure-- and a lot of functions are disabled on it.

Getting the computer alone is a huge issue... he always shuts it down... I don't know his passwords to start it up... and he never leaves it alone and on. The last time he got in the shower, and I just kept walking past it hitting the space bar so that the screen saver wouldn't turn on... then when he got in the shower (and forgot to turn it off)-- I had 10 minute to search about 3 months worth of work emails while he was in the shower.

I don't know if I could even disable the anti-spyware and anti-virus on his computer... I know that it has lots of functions to sort of inhibit people hacking it or people takign it and using it that shouldn't because there's a lot of secure info on there for his job. I don't care about that stuff... I just want his email account passwords and such!

Is there any program that I can use on a computer that is specifically set up to detect hacking? Probably not. That is why I thought that maybe going thru the wireless router at home might be my best bet.

TT

You will need to run the sniffer on your network on a second computer.

Let me know what operating system this second computer is running as this will affect the choice of sniffer. Helpful for the sniffer that you do not have encryption on your wireless network although I presume you know that this is foolish unless your nearest neighbour is at least a mile away?

I have my own lap top that I'd run it on. It is a Mac-- running on OSX. Hopefully that isn't a problem... (that I have a Mac...).

His is a PC.

I do not think that our network is encrypted.

TT

No problem having a Mac. I suggest ethereal which is available for download here http://www.wireshark.org/

Obviously you will need to download the Mac version. Then both computers will need to be wireless or both wired as these are two different networks. If wireless is being used, you will need to set your airport to promiscuous mode (yup, you couldn't make it up).

Let us know how you get on, I was able to use a keylogger so have never done this. If it works, we will add it to our arsenal of weaponry at Spying 101.

Belt and braces? That's English for ways to avoid loosing your trousers. Oh dear the puns are flying today.

OK I'm gonna tinker with this and see what I can do.

Both computers are wireless.

I'll let you know for sure later tonight or tomorrow. I'm still at work right now.

Thanks so much for this!

TT

TeaTea,

Make it less complicated and fill in your bio on the sig lines. You will get more relevant advice from posters that don't have time to comb thru 278 posts