My husband keeps telling me that he is just "catching up" with his long lost cousin. He first talked to her at his mom's house. Then he called her for a massage as she is a massage therapist. He started getting 2 hour weekly massages. She is a complementer and I think that is one of the emotional needs she is meeting for him (admiration). I'm I just being stupid and jealous for nothing. He has lied to me about interaction with her. He went and cleaned out her garage and hauled everything off and then helped another guy fix up the garage into a room. He went and purchased and hauled the trim and lumber, saying she paid him back for it. Meanwhile I have asked him to do things around our house and they are either not done or I've had to take it into my own hands. It was probably petty of me to do, but I pulled his cell phone records and he is calling her every day sometimes multiple times. I wrote her a letter telling her everything that was bothering me, and she is avoiding me everytime I call. She keeps telling me she'll call me later to get me off the phone, then she never does. I don't think they are having a physical relationship, but I think my husband is addicted to her emotionally. She's been divorce for 7 years. I think she has emotional attachmet to him beyond being cousins. That is the excuse I get or he sneeks around and calls or sees her. I'm not sure what to do.

This is not right, not right at all. The vets here will help more than I can.

P63,

Welcome to MB. Any relationship....even one with family....that creates conflict in the marriage is a problem. People even have relationships with their parents or their brothers and sisters which can be fulfilling on an emotional level and impact the marriage.

Having said that....not all emotional fulfillment from family members is an emotional "affair". Some family members create conflict in marriages without ANY sexual tension at all. That doesn't make it less troublesome or less hurtful....but it is something that might not be on the same level as an affair.

So let me ask you this question:

*Even though you don't think the relationship is sexual....do you sense a physical attraction between these cousins? Even an UNconsumated relationship can be very sexual. So is there something sexual about this relationship?

If there is....then you need to approach this like any affair. If there isn't....then you need to think about this as a POJA issue instead of a boundary issue.

Does that make sense?

P63:

It already IS a PHYSICAL AFFAIR.

She is giving him regular massage, isn't she?

And if not "currently" She certainly has in the past.

NOthing wrong with helping someone out, but He has gone to far.

So start complimenting him. Give him a reason to look to you.

LG

I don't know. He said in passing several times "I've always thought "P" was pretty". At Christmas he was taking pictures and took some of her and they were giggling because she was trying to avoid the camera. Then he looked at the picture and told her she was beautiful.

Psalm,

Have you told your H just how uncomfortable you are with his close relationship with an OW even if she is his cousin?
Clearly, she has come between the two of you and that is bad, no matter who she is.

Is there any way that you can address this with your H parents?

Who

I agree with LG...this is already physical.

I would approoach this as I would any other affair.

I have asked him to give some space and time between him and her, and he skirts the issue not wanting to cooperate. I also found out that when I was gone on a business trip, she took my two younger girls to the mall and then my husband kept her girls while she and her mother went to the movies. I don't think he would have said anything about it if he wasn't afraid our girls would talk. He finally admited that she had asked him three days before I left. When he initially told me he said he couldn't ask me about it because my cell phone was off during the flight. It just seems like I am running into more lies all of the time. Often I get him started talking and incidents with her start coming out. I think he thinks he's already mentioned it and I go along to see what all will come out.

Yesterday I took back her massage table and told her I didn't think massages were a good idea. She had agreed to give him massages in payment for everything he has done on her house (his words). I told her (I'd told him this too) that whatever was done on her house could be considered a good deed and massages in exchange was not necessary. He got very angry when I told him last night. He then lied about her contacting him. He said she called when he was asleep (didn't happen). Then when he left for work he called her.

BTW she was giving him massages at our house while I was at work.

It's hard to tell if this a POJA/honesty/negative-family issue....or an infidelity/incestuous issue. My husband thinks his sister is pretty....that doesn't mean he's physically attracted to her. But whether affair-dynamics exist or not....it's important that your husband can be honest and take your feelings into account about his cousin.

I think what's putting your "radar" up (and it would do the same for me) is the secrecy and dishonesty...don't you? So why is he secretive do you think? Is it because he's secretly "in love" with his cousin? Is he a conflict avoider? Does he feel unsafe about being honest? Have you made it safe for him to be honest about this cousin? Is he dishonest in other areas?

He is definitely a conflict avoider, so in some sense I know why he is lying. I just don't see the refusal to quit calling and seeing her.

Obviously they are both getting something out of it, or I feel that they wouldn't still be talking to each other. He did say that she avoided his calls for a couple of days, but then she started talking to him again.

I agree with star*fish, even your H realizes this is not a good situation, that's why he's trying to hide it.

I would not be surprised if the physical part has already gone beyond the massage stage.

Isn't that illegal in most states? Or is that just if they decide to marry? Is she his first cousin?

Who

Yes, she is his first cousin. She, her brother and her parents were at Christmas this year. We've been married over 20 years and this is the first time I met any of them.

Should I confront her? What should I do about him? I've learned that I can't make anyone do anything they don't want to do.

You've been married for over 20 years and just met his family? How come?

Get a tape recorder and hide it in your H's car.

Listen to his phone conversations.

~ Marsh

I know her parents were off in another country for a while. That side (his mother) of the family doesn't really get together. My husband's dad's side gets together regularly. My husband dad has been deceased for about 8 years.

It wouldn't do any good. She is already avoiding you.

Keep SECRETLY spying.

And start Plan Aing.

~ Marsh