Hi, just found out my husband has been having an affair for over three years. He says he left her. We have signed up for counseling but it doesn't start until April 1. I have been at a loss on what to do in the meantime. We haven't been fighting. But not much dialog either. We are having sex almost every night. But my husband says he loves and cares for me but doesn't know if he wants to stay together. We have been married 21 years. I am not ready just to walk away. Anyone have any advice? Anybody go thru this too? How did it work out. Hubby says he no longer has feelings for me other than caring for me. I feel like we are in limbo. For years I have suggested we do things together (without the kids). Now he doesn't want to do anything with me other than sex. Frankly I need the intimacy so I don't say no. I would like to hear from couples who have gone through this and it worked out. I need something to hold onto.

Cricket, you don't need to wait for counseling to repair your marriage. In fact, most marriage counselors don't even KNOW how to save a marriage from adultery, don't understand the dynamics of adultery and have the absolute WORST TRACK RECORD of any of the counseling disciplines. They have a 16% success rate. Most are not even PRO-marriage.

So, I hope you got one of the very few that even know HOW to save a marriage from the trauma of adultery.

On the other hand, Dr. Harley, a psychologist with 35 years experience, DOES know how to do it.

My suggestion would be to get his book, Surviving an Affair and read some of the links I post below.

I would ask your H to demonstrate his sincerity by agreeing to send the OW a no contact letter and to agree to never ever allow contact again. The letter should be written together, approved by you and mailed together.

Also, if the OW is married, her H needs to be notified BY YOU. That will lessen the chance of a resumption with 2 people watching from both ends.

Your H should agree to make his life an open book so that the conditions that led to the affair are CHANGED. He should give you passwords, access to his bank statemnet, cell phone bill, etc.

Has he answered all of your questions openly and honestly about the affair? That is a good first step towards recovery.

Sorry you are here, Cricket,but welcome to MB. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I will post some links below.

Requirements for Recovery from an Affair http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post3370294

How to Survive Infidelity http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5042_qa.html

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

Dr.Harley:

My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

This is very normal and expected. Dr Harley addresses how to fix this in the link titled "Requirements for Recovery." It will take time and effort but changing this attitude is an integral part of Marriage Builders program of recovery.