Four years ago, my DH met a woman at work. They became very close friends. To close...and I hated it. He always said that they were "just frieds" and got really mad that I was so accusatory.

After almost two years, they both got fired from work for an unknown reason. Rumor had it they were caught sleeping together. I then caught them in a lie and he broke it off with her in front of me. He still always denied ever having had sex with her.

Now, almost two more years have passed, through which I found out he had still talked with her. I caught him...he admitted. But denied sex or seeing her.

Two nights ago, he told me that for the past 10 years of our marriage he has seen me as a roommate, not permanent, and that he did have a sexual affair with her. And that it ended three months ago. He says he did it because he could and he never felt responsible to me because he never saw me as permanent. We've been married for ten years.

He says he realized that he does want our marriage and children to be permanent. He says something changed within him over the past few months to where he cares about whether or not we're there. He has given me carte blanche to ask questions and see anything I want.

I am lost. I want my DH to hold me and at the same time, I don't want to be near him. And to make it harder, I am clinically OCD...so letting go of thoughts are hard for me. I can't remember all of the details of the past four years, but I feel like somehow they were all a lie. I don't even want to look at pictures of him because it is all tainted.

I don't know what to do. If I was going to leave, I would have already. I'm angry and hurt and honestly cannot begin to explain how much I have destroyed myself thinking that I was to blame for being so suspicious without cause. Now I know that all that gut feeling was right.

I want to get past this. I need to get past this. I am hurting so much.

Help.

Hi hicktownmommy
Welcome to the club nobody wants to be in. Know that we have been there or are there now and that your feelings are perfectly rational and normal.

Above all, do not believe a single word your husband (WH) is saying to you. They all lie when caught and they all rewrite the story of the marriage. That is how you know your husband is wayward.

Read Dr Harley's advice and plan. Decide if you want to fight for your marriage. If you do, come back here for some great advice from the vets (I'm a beginner).

I know that I want to fight. I just don't know how to get past it. I don't even know the right questions to ask myself.

I feel like I was just in a car crash and am in shock. I feel like nobody around me can understand.

Do you really think that all of his version of our marriage was false? Is he telling me these things to justify his actions?

he is in fog and more like an alien now so dont ever believe all that he is saying

You are not alone, you find yourself here, use the resources available in this site especially Dr. Harleys concepts to learn all you have to know about affairs and going along with life after discovery of the affair

There are lots of men and women here who can help you but first do some more reading

lastly what you are feeling is normal, and as your partner is currently wayward you have to pull yourself and take care of you

You can survive all of this

Welcome. It is completely normal for the infidel to rewrite the history of the marriage. That is how they are able to justify their sleazy behavior.

Ask him if he will write the OW a no contact letter. It should say that the affair was a mistake, he loves you and wants no contact from her for any reason FOREVER. Then you approve and send it.

And in answer to your other post, yes, her husband deserves to know the truth.

WOW! You and I are pretty much in the same boat... 4+ years ended 6 months ago. I heard the same stories... we were just business partners in a household... It's all text book... I've read the story 100 times. Difference between our stories is that we have chosen next steps… you sound like you are where I was about 3 months ago as far as anger… confusion. The difference for me now is with his full disclosure, he didn’t just commit to make things better… he has consistently proved it with his actions. His change was dramatic and sincere, where he had been cold and unsupportive over the past few months.. I borrowed a thread from one of my other posts cause it applies… and as long as he’s true in his actions… recovery will be so much easier

My BIG D-Day was only a little over 2 weeks ago. Keep in mind… I had been getting the truth in bits and pieces for 3 months (+ 4 years) and every time I could almost breathe another truth would come out. Then he laid out the whole truth and it was 1000x worse than I ever imagined. I knew recovery was going to hurt and I was scared. I didn’t think I was strong enough to keep going through it. But when he finally laid out the whole truth, the world lifted off his shoulders (and on mine) and there he was, the man I married, he could finally be himself once he didn’t have to hide the lies. We immediately started working on the LB and HNHN courses. He embraced it.

No matter if I chose to stay or go, I love him, and all it would really boil down to is either way is that my heart would break… stay or go. Recovery would be no faster either way. I chose stay. My WS has taken it as his personal mission to minimize my heartbreak. He calls many times a day. If I call… cause I cant breathe…he will talk to me, make me smile, change the subject. He watches me at night until he knows I’m asleep, he sleeps lightly now… worried if I’m sleeping… having bad dreams. We text message back and forth all day. He watches my face when we are together to make sure my thoughts don’t wander.

My WS has so much guilt… He also can’t breathe at times. His guilt is worse because I chose to stay because I love him. If I don’t also work to meet his needs… he won’t stay happy. And I want love… great love… the love we once had. We are all human and bad things happen to good people. So… I work just as hard as he does. I send him a picture of me smiling in the morning (I travel for a living). He lets me know if “he can’t breathe” and I do my best to help. Besides, it keeps my mind busy, thinking of ways to stay on his mind. I try hard not to punish him… and it’s hard. I want to share my thoughts…and what causes me pain, causes him guilt… but I should be able to share. So I share carefully and he tries not to take it as punishment, instead as an opportunity to help. He knows, I’ve told him, it means the world to me that he works so hard to ease my pain… and that makes me want to do more to meet his needs. Because of this, I am no longer scared of recovery… and I do get angry… but not at him… because he has become my lifeline. I have great hope we will make it, but we wont… if I don’t work to make him happy and ease his pain too.

4 YR

Thank you so much for your thoughts. I think I know that I am in mourning and have to go through all of the steps. I thought that I was done with denial as I had denied the affair for so many years, but now the denial is in believing his version of our marriage. I need to accept that he is making his own version to justify his actions...that he didn't spend ten years thinking of me as a roommate and not a wife.

I can see how it would be less painful for him to view it that way because then his actions were not against the one he loved, but just some girl he lived with.

My DH has been very open...talking to me any time I want/need, being very attentive and listening to me even when I am completely hysterical. It is the first time. But it is hard because I have trained myself to hide that fear and anger because he would always get so mad when I talked with him before Dday.

I think a separation letter is a very good idea. It will help me to know that he has communicated it with her. The problem is, he did that two years ago and then the affair continued.

I still am not sure that I will tell her husband. I don't think he will believe me. Maybe if DH tells him, he will believe (and she will know that he really is finished).

I don't know.

I do feel one day closer to healing. And that's good.

I posted on your other questions... with remarks about the "roommate" theory.
I forgot to add... Tell? Tell his Mama! I did. No man can look his mother in the eye if he feels like he is a bad person... His mom snowbirds with us during the winter. As soon as she arrived I told her what I knew. I think it crushed him and was the real push to tell the truth... I love his mom... a real nice lady... does my laundry! And she loves me... cause even through all this... she knows I love her son. Her husband was unfaithful so she understands my pain.
Oh-OH... your in trouble!! I'm gonna tell your mom! Destroyed him.... Cause he's a good man... who made bad decisions... she'll straighten him out <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I am lost. I want my DH to hold me and at the same time, I don't want to be near him. And to make it harder, I am clinically OCD...so letting go of thoughts are hard for me. I can't remember all of the details of the past four years, but I feel like somehow they were all a lie. I don't even want to look at pictures of him because it is all tainted.


One more thought... I still dont know how to quote... On the part above... Join the club... On the first round... 3 mo ago all I could think was... My life was a lie... I wanted him to just hold me...WHY??? It lasted two months. A constant desire to be as close As I could... tey I wanted to punish him too. It ended when I hit the wall during a fight. I went cold. Lost all feeling and desire. It was the beginning of plan D. He felt the thread break... and his mom arrived at the same time.
Here's the fun part... that same feeling... turned on him... all the sudden it was him that just wanted to hold me... We all just want to hold on when we feel like we are losing something we love.