Hello To All,

I will try to get to the point. I have soooo many questions that I will post a few more posts to get your advice on those things too. Well, my husband and I have been together since the summer of 2005. I was a virgin up until I was 28 and my husband is the man that I lost my virginity to...we dated about 8 months and then had sex before marriage and moved in together...we married a year later (big mistake). Before we married I knew he had a temper and we often got into arguments. It wasn't until we got pregnant that he started hitting on me. He and I fought several times while I was pregnant with my first child. He stopped fighting me AFTER I had the baby. Then he started again when I got pregnant with the second child. It is like he enjoys fighting while I am pregnant.

WEll on 12/23/07 he gave me my Christmas present early, which was a new wedding band. On Christmas Eve we got into an arguement because he said that he didn't have anymore money to buy his family presents. Being the person that I am... I sarcastically said "Well, they didn't get you anything." I didn't mean it to be rude or mean, it just came out like that. He snapped and took my ring off my finger in effort to take back to the store to trade in for gifts for his family. He wrestled me down and took the ring by force...not without bruising me up and putting a couple of knots upside my head first...not to mention the fact that I was 31 weeks pregnant at the time. I called the cops and they were going to just let him go...but Then they saw that he had threw my cell phone through the wall and broke a lamp, then took him to jail.

We went to court and they dismissed the case and told us to go to anger management...well they told him to go (found out that he is not going to the classes and we have a court date next month and he has to have completed 7 classes---he hasn't).

Now he says that he doesn't want to come back to our marriage because he is scared that I will lock him up again. What is this telling me...that he willcontinue to fight me right???

Plus I just had a baby via c-section and he will not help me out in any kind of way. Am I wrong for wanting him back especially at this time???

You need support, but not from him.

Personally, I think he was trying to make you lose your babies, and I would not want him in my life or my kids' lives if I could possibly help it.

I would go forward with the divorce and seek support elsewhere than with him, such as with your family or friends.

An abusive man with no regard for the well being of his pregnant wife or unborn child is a poor excuse for a husband. You can do much better.

Read up on codependency and go forward without him, imo.

For the good of your kids - all I'd want from him is child support. I'd get a PFA out on him, and document every violent incident with journal entries, pictures, and trips to the doctor's office.

Have to agree with sooly. You don't need this man in your life. He is very controlling and and even though it's only been while you are pregnant, abusive. He will stop at nothing to get what he wants.
I've already been through it. I had two counselors (including Dr. Harley) tell me to get out of the relationship as faat as I could. (We weren't married yet so that part will be a little harder for you) Once I finally had the support I needed, I told him not to contact me again. It was HARD, it hurt like HE**. But now, one year later I'm doing much better. I've almost finished school and looking toward making it on my own until I'm ready for another relationship. (Can't take the emotional strain of a relationship while I'm learning to take care of myself) Stay away from him as much as possible, try to find as much emotional support s you can, and then figure out what it will take to learn how to take care of yourself. Yes, he used you when he wanted sex with you. (been there too) Chances are he couldn't find anyone else so he popped back in on you.
If you like to read, a couple of books that might help you are BOUNDARIES, CHANGES THAT HEAL, & THE MOM FACTOR. Take time to learn about yourself and why you do what you do - just how dependant you are - and the reasons why. Once you begin to think more of yourself, you will see how much better of a life/marriage you are worth. Then maybe you'll be ready for a relationship again.
It won't happen overnight. That's why you will need the support - someone to cry on their shoulder, and someone to talk to (in person helps even more that the board), and ask advice from.
Take care of yourself first, if you can't do that then you won't be able to take proper care of your children and I'm sure thay must be important to you. It'll feel like things will never get better - just remember - these are only feelings brought on by fear that it won't get better. It's okay to feel that way. I've learned to accept my feelings for what they are "feelings" -- not "facts". The fact is that "with him" things won't get better.
Best Wishes,
Becki

oops!! sorry soolee, i wasn't looking at how you spelled "soolee" when i was typing. my apologies.
Becki

Thanks for the quick replies. I appreciate you Soolee and Becki. I think that I am just feeling the way I feel because I am lonely and just had the baby. True I stop caring about myself and put this man first in everything. I practically made him an idol in my life and I guess God was not having that!

EVery since I have been with this man I have been depressed...but it seemed like I would never let him go. I felt like this when we first started dating but never saw the signs.

I will look into the Boundaries and codependent material and see how I can get myself together. My kids and family deserve someone that is "whole" and "together" but right now that is not me. I need to get my act together.

Thanks for the advice. I welcome as much advice as you all can give. I respect you all.

Kizzy,

It might be helpful if you stick to one post. It sounds like you all had a big blow-out at Christmas and things got way out of control. The holidays are stressful. Your husband might be staying away because he is afraid of what he might do to you AND the babies.

Does your husband work? How are you working and caring for a baby? Do you have childcare?

Becky - It doesn't matter about my name, so don't worry about it. It was originally Sooly, but something happened with the website at one point, and I had to reregister here and just took Soolee because it was the closest I could get to what I originally was. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I'd been a member probably at least a year prior to the date it actually shows.

I put stuff on more than one post because it was sooooo much to read and I know that some people have short attention spans (my friend girl does and she says I write way tooooo much). hahahah. So next time I will just post it all on one post.

Pieta...yes both my husband and I have very good jobs. However he doesn't support us in any kind of way now. I told him that just because he hates me, he shouldn't make the kids suffer for it. I don't think it is fair to them. He told me that I have a home and food to eat...even if I loose my apartment he says that I can go and stay with someone. That showed me that he didn't care when he said that because he proved that he wasn't going to give me money to pay bills. I have childcare to pay for also...the kids aren't going to daycare right now because I am at home due to maternity leave.

I am going to post this in the emotional needs section also for more help.

Kizzy,

Did you say you live in Mississippi?

Contact your Division of Child Support Enforcement. You fill out a form and they will take care of the rest. The fee is 25$

For 2 kids your husband will pay 20 percent of his adjusted gross income.

http://www.mdhs.state.ms.us/cse.html

Thanks I am going to the child support office tomorrow. I will get a pretty good amount of money based on his salary. I had filed before, but then took it off of him because he said he was coming back to me (back in October). He came back then left again. So I am going through with it all the way this time.

Smart girl!! You have to watch what happens, not just what is said. It's a hard lesson to learn, but it will serve you and your children best in the long run. I had to go through the state before my xh would pay what he owed the children, but it was worth it for them.! I don't like to talk negative about anyone (I do have a few negative replies, but very few) but consider where your friend is coming from before you stop coming here. There are a few people who DO TRULY CARE!!! SAFE PEOPLE, is a book that I didn't mention, (didn't want to take it that far) but I had to learn that too!!! People who have YOUR best interests at heart are TRUE FRIENDS; even though we might not be LONG TERM. Maybe your other friends just don't understand everything you are going through.
I only pray the best for you!!
Take Care,
Becki


Thanks Soolee!!