Wife wants a divorce, 9 yrs. of marriage and two beautful kids. Head strong will not allow us to work on it, said she has tried but i wasn't there. I am in the wrong but want to make up for it need her back....she will not talk about it is over...not for me I want give up

How canI get her back multiple choice, up to 2 choices
	How can i get her back
	I need Her
Votes accepted starting: 02/27/08 01:00 PM
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Please help I feel alone and helpless...

Loneone, I don't have time to reply now. But welcome.

The Emotional Needs board gets a lot more traffic, and this is just as appropriate for that board as for this one.

Otherwise, I'll write something tonight.

Thanks for writing, Is Mrs.Pepperband out there anywhere and how can I get in touch with her, she was recommended for advice.

My situation, is critical because my wife has all ready made her mind up. She been going out with the girls and most of them half her age. She will be forty next month and I swear she is up and down. Her mood changes with the drop of a hat. She quit taking hormone pills and i ask her to go back to the doc but no. she says that is not the problem. Our little one just had surgery on Wed. and she went with the girls on Friday. My first proirty is the children and not our friends..where do I go...Open Heart surgery....Does this sound like a woman that is making the right decisions...I love her would do anything for her but i can not work on our relationship if she is not willing to work with me can I...she says this divorce does not have anthing to do with the children...they will suffer the most they are 6 and 3...with mom and dad in seperate homes...I just can see that...what to do....I want my wife back and friend...and my family...

loneone - Your situation has some similarities to mine, sans the kids. One important thing is where you say "I am in the wrong." This is baloney. While you may have made some mistakes, it takes two to tango. I'm sure she made her own share of mistakes, one of which might have been not to request counseling at an earlier date. I have found HNHN to be a very good read in this regard. Its entirely possible that neither of you was meeting the other's emotional needs. In addition, I am getting a lot of very useful information from Al Turtle at http://al.turtlecounseling.com/blog. He has things tailored to a situation where she leaves. You may need a separation or time apart to get things resolved. And there's no guarantee of success. Best of luck.

While other words may have been true, Dr. Harley is not one to give up on a situation until he sees that things are better off totally seperate for a lifetime. That is one reason I respect him as much as I do. There could be a lot of Love Busters there that no one is willing to bring out into the open.
I know about the open heart surgery -- my nephew had it at two months. If my brother and his xwife could have worked through all of that, they might still be together today, and my brother wouldn't be saying " if this one doesn't work, I've learned how to cook and wash my chlothes, I won't marry again if this one doesn't work". He still hasn't learned the differences between men and women. (but I do think his new wife is teaching him well) - just wish he could learn in a more positive way).
Just let her know you've made mistake and that you want to learn what they are and try to change. That's the best you can do at this point. That shows you have a heart, and that you are willing to work to make things better.
Best Wishes,
Becki

We have not even seen a lawyer...but she wants to act like we are divorced and go out with the girls...she wants me to do the same to get use to the idea of being single again...I don't like that...I want to concentrate on what is at home....I want her back....I told her I would wait for her till she is ready to come home to her family....no matter how long...then she break out this you will find someone new...I don't want that I want you....I want my family....she is set in her mind that divorce is the only way....she gets mad because I want give up....I want to fight for her....but I feel sometimes something is pulling at her because she gets so mad to easily...is that wrong to feel that way....I told her we need to work this out and I need her full attention no distraction....she blew up on me...it is over get that through your head...last night I ask her to write down three things that she loved about me and she said what good is that, because she is scared there are feeling there and she is afraid to show them....I also got close to her last night and told her I missed her and ask her if she miss me and she said sometimes...why is she dead set on divorce....is there any chance for us...

loneone - Agin, this seems to mirror some things going on for me. Your wife may have a much greater need for space than you (she may be what Al Turtle calls an "avoider" while you are a "clinger"). She may feel smothered by all your attention. I suggest you look at his "What to do when he/she leaves" paper. Pushing her, putting pressure on her will not help. It may only drive her away faster.

I'm not advocating that you go out and see other people. My XW has given me the same statement about seeing other people, and as has been pointed out, it may be that she doesn't feel comfortable moving on until she knows you are moving on. To me, it indicates that she almost wants/needs your permission to be "free" and there are still strong ties back to you. I'm sure your wife is very confused now, and she may need the space to sort out her head. Good luck.

I think there is still some ties but if there is why would you even consider divorce, why not try to work things out or give it some time to see if I can change to where it is noticed, You said it takes two to tango....I believe that...I ask her last night what her number 1 emotional need was that I did not give her and she attention...so now she running from attention I am not sure I understand....I am not going togive her permission if I think there is still hope....I can give her some space....one minute she acts like nothing is wrong and in a flash I am smothering her....I stayed down stairs last night watching T.V. when I came up with the children to put them to bed....we talked a little...she you don't need to sleep down there...and you have to stay down there and watch TV all the time either...I feel like she misses me when I am not around...I can leave for a while to do something and she'll call every time...I am getting mix signals and I don't know how to deal with it....Give her space you think.....or give her a divorce...

She's probably going through a midlife crisis - is this what I have to look forward to for the next 20 years? kind of thing, especially if a child is having medical problems. She's scared of being 'stuck' with a hard life.

YOU need to read all the material here on how to make a better marriage, starting with yourself. Don't go out, you have no business 'dating' or any such thing. Just be calm, and responsible. Show her the best husband you can be, and she will probably come down off this cloud and come home, once she gets this out of her system. But you have to be as attractive as possible for her to do that - great father, great emotional support, emotionally available but not smothering, financial support, doing housework, involving yourself in the kids' stuff - all the things you should have been doing, show her that you now know what it all was and how you can do it now.

However...there is always the possibility that she has met someone else and is having an affair. You need to check phone records, text records, email, computer use...all that stuff. Because if she is in the fog of an affair, you will need to do things differently. Do that and let us know.

She has never had a hard life with me....When it comes to the children I take 95% responsibilty with the care of them...as far as house work we split it cleaning, laundry, and cooking....My oldest kid is six years old in those six years she has only pick him up from day care and school maybe five times...they ID her at the day care before they would allow her to pick them up....She goes to work an hour and A half later than I do....she will not drop them off for me they go from 6 to 6 everyday...no responsibity with the kids...if is having an affair it just started but I will take your advice in to consideration....but I love her anyway....I want her back....I want to say I am hurt to but I don't hold a grudge....emotional hurt do I get thank you no but I feel they are my responsibility....she in for a big change and I don't think she understands that....she needs me....I want her....by the way my emotions are spent to being mother and father at same time...with no thanks just do it...

Can't tell from the limited information, but it sounds like you are a passive person and may let her 'get away' with too much. Meaning, she's spoiled. Are you treating her like a princess, i.e., she does what she wants, isn't held accountable for things, makes her own decisions that benefit her and not the family?

Yes I feel that have done that to an extent...I do not like to fight....she just call me at work and wants me to pay half on the divorce...I don't want a divorce... why would i want to pay for it....but to keep the peace i said yes....I am stupid...I do wait on her hand and foot some times...she also ask me to do something for her while she is at work tomorrow I told her I was working to she got tick off....she wants a divorce but still wants me to do things for her....I think I need to start saying no....let her do it for self...she was sitting in her favorite chair the other day she ask me get her blanket...then a drink...then some food...I did i even pick the dish up and put it in sink...I told her she could not live without me....she you will always be around....but i will let her have her way to keep from fighting....so when it all piles up on mind and I tell her ...she feel like that is verbal abuse....now I am sufferig and our kids are because she want this divorce....I feel that she is going to have a rude awakening....but that makes me feel bad....I love her

Please, please make yourself a promise to STOP doing this! It is not helping either of you! And it is a dangerous practice for your kids to grow up learning! Put a rubber band around your wrist. Every time you catch her 'telling' you to do something, pop the rubber band BEFORE you make a move to do it! A gentle reminder to stand up for yourself.

Also, do you have access to a counselor of any sort? Even a church one? I really recommend that you start getting professional help for learning to stand up for yourself and setting healthy boundaries on not being her puppy. It is hurting her just as much as it is hurting you.

Something you need to know: when you give and give and give to someone like you are doing, the person who is receiving all your gifts often starts to hate you for it! It's complicated, but trust me. She is mad at you for being a wimp. If you start saying no, you will look MORE attractive to her.

I have been in counseling for a month....I don't understand why I do it but I think I can quit.....I feel like I am a convinence for her....daddy, babysitter, but not a husband,....I ask last night what emotional need haven't I given you and she said attention...I don't understand....I think it is all I have done and she is blind to it....I admit since the kids have been there my attention to her has sufffered but she does not give me a break from them...I hunt and fish and go to one race a year...wheniget a chance to do those things I do take advantage of it....but even now when I hunt I take my oldest son with me......I want to go on week end get aways with her but now I can't she is just not going to change her mind...I went hunting three times this year...I can hunt behind the house...in the back yard when I would ask to go she say no becaude she wanted sleep in....me take care of the kids when they get up....she should have thought of that before she had them....but I still love her...

Do me a favor, and print out this thread and give it to your counselor so he/she can help you pinpoint how to increase your self-image and learn to take up for yourself. I think you have a lot of phrases in here that show exactly how you think she has the right to rule you. 'when I would ask to go,' stuff like that.