I'll keep it short re:My FWW?? Things seem better. Although I never demanded NC as she still works PT for the OM (EA)she told me she had "Minimal and Mixed" feelings about. Question, I am learning to deal with trusting again and i have come to the conclusion that what she decides to "feel" is up to her. She says i am her one and only, and i can't keep running interference like i am her parent. She knows my boundaries. It "feels" like its over from my perspective. Is this sit. going to repeat itself? Is it possible( i know not ideal)that she can straighten out her waywardness as to not repeat it even though she works for him. Am i just asking for it? Thanks

IMHO, you are asking for trouble with her having ANY continued contact. I do NOT believe a recovery is possible with contact.

Hey Zeke

Read up what Dr H says. Any contact makes recover very unlikely indeed.

"Extraordinary precautions" in fact are required to avoid contact ever again.

Have you read the information on the marriage builders site that explains why NC is vital & you just choose to ignore it? Or, have you not read the site's information/concepts?

Why are you learning to deal with trusting someone who refuses to take simple necessary steps to EARN your trust? Her working with the OM, is a repeated slap in the face to you.

She is refusing to leave the place that gives her her fix.

And, yes, what she decides to "feel" IS up to her, but what you decide to put up with...well, that's up to YOU.

As a BS, I would not tolerate ANY contact. Not ANY! It's a definite deal breaker in my book of recovery.

Just my novice opinion.

I see zero chance for you to ever recover from her A while she continues contact with him. She will continue to be tempted and you will continue to wonder if she is being tempted or has succumbed to temptation.

This is a no win situation for you and your marriage.

Who

I have been around with my former name (before the II) since 1999. I was both BS and WS in my first 20 year marriage.

In my opinion, your wife must QUIT her job if the OM is still there. They must NEVER see or talk to each other.

You should NOT be trusting her AT ALL until she earns an "F" in front of the WS... as in... FORMER Wayward Spouse. Until NO CONTACT is established she is a CURRENT WS.

PLEASE, read up on NO CONTACT and PLAN A. Begin your Plan A with help from the Harley's. If you can't afford it, read, read, read and LISTEN to what is being said here. There will be NO recovery until you do.

BTDT.

It didn't work.

Ditto.

What boundaries? You have none. Until there is no contact, there will be no recovery.

My problem is that she LOVES her job(its a hobby/job)don't need her income, and i believe her, trust her, love her too much. I'm being a doormat, and have too much faith. Yes, its hard on me, I'll likely go down as the good, but very stupid guy... just wondering if it is possible that her feelings truly went away or she has just suppressed them, and will always have to if she wants to remain married to me???

If you love her, do what it takes to stay married to her.

Extraordinary precautions to preserve NC.

My Squid was teh senior female in her sport in the UK. Quit to recover our marriage.

Hated it as she LOVED her some sport !. But it was contact or our marriage.

Your choice is similarly stark mate.

Risk making her upset by telling her what Dr Harley says.

If he fights very hard to remain there I bet a pound to a pinch of bird crap she's still in her EA with him.

Well, you are just foolishly endangering your marriage. That is not "love," that is foolishness. If you "love" her then you will do what it takes to protect your marriage from destruction. If you say you "love" your children, do you do nothing while they play in traffic? Your words don't match your actions, zeke..

Are you willing to be married to someone who loves her job more than her marriage?






You are using love and trust as a crutch because you are afraid she will actually make you enforce what you say are boundaries.

You see, boundaries are just words...until we have to enforce them. THEN they become boundaries.

The fence around my yard is just a fence, until my child tries to leave the yard and can't because the fence is there enforcing why it was put into place. Make any sense?




This isn't having too much faith. This is having TOO LITTLE faith which paralyzes you into inaction because you know there is a possibility that she will refuse to leave the job.


Having faith (can't really have TOO much faith) makes it possible for you to do what is necessary in spite of your fear.




I don't consider the guy who refuses to stand up for himself and his marriage as a "good" guy. I consider him a coward. (I don't mean to be offensive to you!!) Every single one of us BS's felt fear when we had to enforce a boundary. None of us had any guarantee as to what would happen when we did.




Is it worth the risk????

Why would SHE risk it???




If she will go no contact, her feelings for OM will subside. BUT she has to REMAIN no contact.

I agree 100% SMB.

Hi zeke,

One of the sentences that stuck out to me in your post was this one:


Over the years....I've heard many many variations of this, but what in wayward language it translates to this:

I don't want anyone telling me I can't do whatever I want.

Waywards use accusations of "control" to justify the fact that they are unwilling to make the changes necessary to ensure protection for their marriage. If this is a hobby....then it is DOUBLY important that she end her relationship with the place. Why? Well because when your work is your hobby....not only does it fill needs like admiration/finances....but it feels recreational needs. When an affair partner is involved in a satisfying recreational hobby with the wayward spouse....it fills the lovebank so quickly it poses as enormous threat to the marriage.

She is going to do everything in her power to prevent you from requiring the extra-ordinary precautions needed to prevent relapse of the affair.

My advice....don't even TRY to convince her of this. Call the Harleys. Oftentimes, a good coach can communicate the important things your wayward needs to hear....without her feeling as though you're her "parent".

Hang in there buddy!!

People who are really ready to be "former" waywards....understand the need for no contact.

good luck zeke

No.

Hey Zeke, you either "Get it," or you "Don't." Hoist 'em up and do what is right for you, your wife, your kids and your family, or roll over and be a wimp. Taking the path of least resistance is a guarantee of failure. Taking the path of standing up for what is right is a risk, but at a much lower rate of failure.

In other words, continued contact = sooner or later you lose. Enforcing boundaries for NC might mean you lose the family, but almost always NOT. Up to you.

Larry

Thanks everyone, need that strong knowledge from you all. I'm going to insist on NC...This can't go on forever. Thanks so much. Hopefully I can lean on you if needed to get us through this...

Zeke,

Read through some of your posts. Not sure if we ever posted to each other before but I can see you have been getting some support.

Think about the NC. Know the reason and let that guide you on how it is handled.

What does that mean? Well all BS' want NC between the OP and WS but the reasons will vary and the WS will have a field day if the BS' reasons are weak.

So shore up your plan and your reasons. Identify your personal and M boundaries. Then step out there and implement them.

Show the WS you mean business and that you are NOT out for revenge. Don't be afraid to call the WS on the carpet and ask them if they would put up with the garbage that has been slung your way by the WS.

Have a plan.

L.