I'm at a turning point, and don't know which way to go. Your help would truly be appreciated.

My wife and I got married in Sept. of 2007, but we've been together for a total of 9 years. We're both 27, met online 9 years ago. We were dating 2 weeks after we met.

We had our share of issues. I cheated once, about 8 months into our relationship. We were apart, and she slept with someone. She denied it happening, but admitted it about 6 years later. she started a secret relationship 3 years ago, which I found out about, we broke it off for a little and she pursued that one. It didn't work out, and we got back together again. We moved in together 2.5 years ago, and then bought a house 2 years ago.

She claims to have been faithful for the last 2.5 years, since that "other" man. I have been faithful to her.

About 6 months after we moved in to our house, I found out she'd sent somewhat revealing cell phone photos of herself to an old co-worker of mine, but I said nothing about it. I have no reason to believe it went any further than that.

4 weeks ago I found that she had searched the name of the guy she slept with 8 years ago in the google toolbar. I wasn't snooping, it's a shared computer.

2 weeks ago she sent me one revealing cell phone photo of herself, which got me thinking about who else she might have sent them to. I logged into her mobile account and found she had sent 9 other photos to that same guy. I said nothing at the time and tried to play it cool. I wanted to catch her doing more, maybe meeting with him, although I had no proof they'd been meeting.

Saturday the 23rd I was supposed to work an 8am to 2pm shift which had been cancelled. I didn't tell her it was.
She was acting funny on Friday night. She was to get her hair cut at 4pm Saturday, more than enough time for me to pick her up after I'm done work, then drive her to the salon (she doesn't drive). She declined, saying that she'll be leaving earlier to go to the library to pickup some books (Odd). Then she showered and shaved her legs and bikini. This was odd behaviour for her regular routine, just didn't fit in. I decided I'd leave for "work" in the morning, and see how the day progressed. I woke at 7am as planned, and her not working, she normally sleeps until 10-12 as there is nothing to do. She woke with me as her alarm also went off (she claims it's in error), and got out of bed. I left for "work" and drove around for about 15 minutes to warm up the car. Parked nearby so I could see the house, and I noticed the bedroom windown shade was open, she didn't go back to bed. I got a little nervous and moved the car so I could figure out a new plan. I was in a nearby parking lot and low and behold, she walked right in front of the car. ON HER WAY OUT, AT 8:30AM. She was very surprised to see me. She claims to have changed her hair appt. to 9:30 (Salon isn't open until 8:30, how did she call and get an answer?) She asks why I'm not at work, then I tell her I saw the pictures she sent. Denies, saying she only uploaded them to her online acct. I counter with the fact I know WHO she sent them to, she denies again saying no one. I say his name, denies again. I say fine and I drop it.

Fast forward to 2 days ago I get into it again, she finally admits she sent them and then apologizes for sending stating she feels unsexy. Here's the quote:
"I was feeling bad, I wanted someone to think I'm desirable and feel like I wasn't just fat and unappealing. Because that's how I've been feeling."

I don't know what to do. She didn't PHYSICALLY cheat, but left unchecked, I feel that she would have.

A little background on me, I have a PE problem, which I can't afford to fix at this time, and it SERIOUSLY affect our sexual relationship. I partly blame her as she's not interested in sex until she's ready, so waiting 3 weeks for sex gets the blood rushing and then PE occurs. I hate myself for it happening as well.

I feel as though I can no longer trust her. We agree she's not pleased in bed, and has had several other men as examples of what she does want.

I want to leave her, and we've not been married even 6 months. I want to stay with her and make it work, but it seems like I'll never be able to give her what she wants.

Do I want to stay out of convenience?
Am I still in love with her?

We haven't talked about it since Monday, probably because I don't know what to say to her about it, and I don't know what direction to go in.
Help?

It sounds to me like she was all set to meet somebody else when she saw your car. You have been married only 6 months and she is doing this? I would think about an annulment. I would suggest seeing an attorney to understand your options. She is very untrustworthy.

In summary:

1. You've been M'd for less than 5 months.
2. You have no children together
3. You've both cheated on each other, but it's clear that your W continues to be dishonest and cheat on you.
4. You have a PE problem which she's apparently unsympathetic about.
5. Your W is apparently not sexually attracted to you.
6. You're only 27 years old

Listen, I have a PE problem as well. Dealing with it medically is not that expensive, particularly if your current frequency is as low as you say it is. I started on Vitamin V several years ago, and could have kicked myself for not starting on it sooner

However, looking at the rest of the issues that you're facing, my advice would be to walk away from this, really. Dealing with PE when you have an unsympathetic W is bad enough, that she's also actively cheating on you and being dishonest with you only 5 months after committing herself to you makes things a whole lot worse IMO.

I agree, she was going to meet someone. From what you have posted I suspect she had a full day planned and that is why she made her "appointment" later in the day so she could account for the time. If she doesn't drive is there a bus/train system she could have used to get around? This all seems too much for a marriage that is only 5 months old. You will have to decide IF you want to continue in this marriage. If you do you need to know what is really going on and that will involve some more snooping. Does she work? If she is home while you are at work you may want to monitor her actions more closely. But I suspect she will be more careful now that she knows you are suspicious.

I have to ask, what is a PE? Sorry if it is too personal you don't have to answer.

Whoopsy..

PE = Premature Ejaculation

In my previous post I mixed it up with ED. Vitamin V isn't going to cure PE. But there are other, inexpensive ways...

Ok thanks, I was trying to figure it out on my own but I couldn't. I hope someone chimes in with help on that subject. I had heard about building up (when he gets close back off until erection goes down then start again) I also heard there are devices he can use to help him last longer.

Yes, PE is Premature Ejaculation.
I'm looking into getting treatment for it. Overtime for a few days at work should enable me to pay for treatment.

We've spoken a little about what's happened, and I know she'll never admit her true intentions.

I've now gone ahead and put a keylogger on the computer at home without her knowledge. Hopefully if anything happens, it will be on that computer, and not on her work computer.

She works full time, and get's home a full hour before me.

I don't know what I'm going to do in the end. I'm going to try and trust her, and see how that goes.

Any other input?

yes. How has trusting her been working for you so far?

Did she get her hair cut that Saturday?

Did you ask her why she's been feeling fat and unappealing? I found that a little interesting; a woman who feels fat and unappealing sending out revealing photos of herself. I'm not defending her poor choice, but I could understand more if she said "you don't find me attractive," "you never touch me," etc....

While you are working on solutions for PE, are you still pleasing her in other ways in bed?

Do you compliment her?

Any cell phone bills you can check?

Cell phone is prepaid, no records (same as mine, so it's not to purposely hide anything).

I do compliment her all the time, and we still fool around sometimes, but not as often as when we were "younger". LOL

bigkahuna, you asked how trusting her has worked so far, well here's my story:

Where I work, we do inventory twice per year. When we do it, it takes about 1 week. Saturday (the weekend I caught her out) we start counting product, then Monday to Thursday we stay after work until 8 or 8:30pm, the Friday we stay until 10:00pm. Then Saturday we start at 8:00am and stay until it's done, which has been 11:00pm in the past.

Luckily for me we finished counting at noon on Saturday, and we were free to go. At 11:00ish I sent her a txt and got no answer. I thought she was sleeping, and shrugged it off. She had plans to visit her sister who lives about 70 KM away from us. She would take the train and the bus to see her. Fine with me.

When I finished work I went home as quickly as possible, thinking I'll get there before she leaves and I'll drive her, since I'm so nice. I called a couple times and no answer, home and cell phone. I got home and she was already gone. Thinking I'll call and see if she's nearby, I did, and no answer. 2 hours of me calling and texting her, no answer. I call the sister she's supposed to be going to see, she hasn't spoken to her at all today, and doesn't know where she is. Hmm. Kind of odd since my wife isn't familliar with the train out there and bus schedule.

I keep calling and texting and no reply. I txt her sister and get these replies:

I'm sure she is fine.

Could the batt be dead?

Ringer on silent?

She's a big girl, I'm sure she's fine.

She's making excuses for my wife, she knows something and she's not telling me.

I keep calling and my wife FINALLY answers after more than 5 hours of me trying to call her. I rag on her a little bit about her not picking up or txting me. I ask "where were you"
"at the mall" she says.
"at the mall??" Keep in mind she has an OVERNIGHT BAG to stay at her sister's until Sunday.
"yeah I came to the mall and my phone's been acting funny, it won't let me text out"
"Well what time did you leave home?"
"I don't know, 12:30pm, maybe around 1:00"
"Funny, I got home from work at 12:15"
"oh, I guess I left earlier"
"Where are you?" I ask
"at the train station waiting"
"give me your voicemail password"
"Sure, if I knew it!"
"you don't know it? that's bullsh!t"
"you can come here and check it if you want"
so she'll have time to go in and delete the vm's on there? I'm not wasting my time...
"no that's fine" I say. "Who were you with today?" I ask her
"no one"
"you went to the mall alone?"
"yes"
"no you didn't" I said. She would never go alone unless it's xmas, and then she would NOT bring an overnight bag with her.
"fine, don't believe me"
"I DON'T!"
I tell her to have a nice weekend, and I hang up the phone.

I get a text a little while later and she says:
are you really mad at me for spending the day out?
I tell her I'm mad that she didn't call me or reply ALL day. I really was worried about her. Also that I didn't believe where she was.
What makes you think I'm lying? Cause I didn't answer the phone all day?
I said yes, I thought your texts weren't working?
I added money, thanks.
yeah I'm sure
I thought we were working past this. You going to think the worst every time I don't answer the phone?
for more than 5 hours? Yes I will! I must have said something about the money she put on the phone (I don't recall).
I had $5 on the phone, I spoke to you and (my sister) then added $10.
I said you had money on the phone, you could have called me.
I wanted to think. I wanted to go ut and do something. I didn't look at the phone.
*i forget what I said*
wow I'm amazed this is such a big deal. I'm sorry you were worried. (note, she doesn't apologize for what's going on, or what she's done, just that I'm worried... clever huh?)
I then said you can't add $10 to virgin mobile.
yes you can, (my sister) bought it and told me the number.
(funny, since her txt and phone wasn't working huh?)
I said you can't and that I'd checked with virgin and they also told me that you can't. $15 is the bare minimum.
She made another excuse that she now doesn't know how much she got, only that her sister bought the card and gave her the number.
whatever.
I then told her again to have a nice weekend and stopped messaging her.

I'm so dumb. I try to trust her and get this, less than 1 week later.
I no longer want any part of this relationship. I can't take it anymore. Whenever I think about it all I see is her with another man. I don't know what to do...or how to tell her.

I am so sorry for you but it is pretty evident that she is playing you for a complete fool. Why would you keep trusting a person who is completely untrustworthy? Ask her to take a polygraph test and I am sure she will freak out.

I would contact an attorney to understand your options. How much more humiliation and disrespect are you willing to tolerate. Clearly she does not respect you. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

how do I approach her now, what am I supposed to say to her?

AF,

Have you been reading all the articles on this website? Did you get Surviving an Affair? A lot of your questions are answered by Dr. Harley. You have been betrayed, you're hurting. That's reasonable. You're not crazy. You also, are not unique.

A wayward state of mind is: Entitlement, fueled by resentment and a lack of respect.

If you want to recover your marriage, then transparency is called for...and if your WW isn't prepared to be transparent about her whereabouts, then you you will not choose to trust her; is that correct?

Do you understand you're playing games with her? Instead of stating your facts as what you know (instead of entrapping her to get her to say you're right)...you aren't being honest, either.

Be honest. "I know you're continuing to attack our marriage with your choices. I do not trust you because you choose not to act trustworthy. I'm choosing to fight for our marriage by studying, learning and being honest and open with you. I want to know what you are choosing...to fight for or continue to attack our marriage."

You gotta be straight about your stuff, AF, before you can communicate your stuff to anyone else.

As for self-respect...you have a code that determines whether or not you'll build your self-respect and/or esteem. Nobody else, nor their treatment of you, determines that. Just you, about you, and what you choose to do and not do.

You act from respect of your marriage, then you'll build and sustain your self-respect. You determine your real boundaries (your code) and predetermine progressive enforcements...your self-respect will increase, regardless of whether your marriage survives or not.

LA

AF - it was a rhetorical question. I'd submit trusting her hasn't worked at all for you so I'm curious why you think it will work now?

That was also a rhetorical question.

Trusting her won't work.