Hello I am new here My very first post. My husband and I are having our second baby. We are both re born christians as of 3 years ago. I am six months pregnant and have a 14 month old. My husband and I both had pre martial sex before we met. Yesterday I was joking around with my husband and saying how he has no problem getting me pregnant and I bluntly asked him if he has ever got another woman pregnant and had an abortion. I knew the anwser was no and I am not really sure why I asked that becasue we are married and having two kids I should have known if that had happened by now.... right? Well he said no and got flussed and that was it. Last night I went to a ministry at my church, when I got home I was very happy and telling him all about it. He said to me "hunny, I have to tell you something when I was 17, I got a girl pregnant and she had an abortion" I couldnt beileve it! I am trying to stay strong and forgive him and be understanding, but a part of me is really hurt. He dosent want me to talk to anyone about this but I thought this is pretty confidential I need advice and guidence. God is helping me through this and I know he lead me to this site. I feel like he is a different person to me and a look at my daughter and think there would have been another and it would have been mine. I am mind boggled right now. Please if anyone has anything to say... please say it I need to talk about this!! Thank you

London

With risk of pointing out the obvious:

He didn't have an abortion...she did.

He may have sired the child, but the choice and the 14th amendment privacy-rights belongs to the woman, and not the man.

So really, what do you have to forgive him for? For not duck-taping her to a wall for nine-months? For being careless and impregnating her? You said you had premarital sex yourself. Perhaps you were simply luckier than he--even the best birth control can fail. I think you should thank your lucky stars that YOU were not put in a position to have to make that choice yourself!

Its not the fact I am hurt by him getting another woman pregnant and her having an abortion prior to meetimg me. I am very hurt by I am on my second child with this man and I have been with him and married to him for over 3 years and I have only just found out about it now. I am hurt that it had to happen yes becasue I am completly agianst abortions but like I said it was 8 years ago, way before my time... it happened there is nothing I can do about it. Your right it was her descion. I am not sure if you have ever been lied to or someone you love has hurt you, but I am just trying to reach out for some support not critism. As this is my only option to talk about it. If anyone else has any support or guidence please leave me feedback.. Thank you

I'm shocked he told you to begin with--you really put him on the spot by asking him such a very dark and personal question with little or no warning.

You must have really caught him off guard and he didn't have time to think. Imagine what the poor guy went through in order to revisit the question the next day and admit he had lied. You are so caught up in your 'hurt' that you seem to have little empathy for what he must have gone through. Have you thanked him for telling you? Have you expressed any admiration to him for the fact that he did tell you? I don't know what kind of a Christian Church you attend, but if they don;t teach this kind of Christian empathy, I would start looking for another church.

By giving you this information your husband has put the reputation and personal business of another person at risk. I hope you can be trusted with this personal information. I hope you realize how fortunate you are that your husband feels safe to tell you the truth about something like this. Do not compromise this feeling of safety by giving him a hard time about hurting your feelings. A marriage must always be a safe place to fall or it will not be a marriage for long!

Goodness, if you are looking for people who have been lied or or who have been hurt by someone they love, look no further!

I think pieta was asking you what was troubling you.

I think I understand that it was behaviour you did not know from someone you thought you knew.

Please believe me when I tell you that the most important thing you will ever do with this is not to push him away for telling you. There will be other, much more serious things he will need to be able to talk to you about, things on which the future of your marriage will depend. Hold on to the fact that he told you the truth even though it was difficult. Praise him for doing this. Make it a safe thing for him to do.

You should be thanking him for telling you! Most people keep a closet full of secrets they're too ashamed to tell. The fact that he felt he was safe enough to tell you speaks volumes for the amount of faith he has in you. Don't destroy it by being nearsighted.

The thing is that I am not being hard on him at all. I have been understanding and forgiving. I have notput a fight up what so ever. I HAVE thanked him for telling me. The thing is I am hurt and thats why im writting on here. I am happy he told me but sometimes the truth hurts. He is happy he told me and I am aswell, but I guess I should just bottle everything up inside.. becasue it seems I am made out for being the bad person for having hurt feelings. My husband and I are fine, we are accually getting along alot better now that he told me, but I cant help but having a hurt inside of me. So sorry for that!

Sorry to hear that you are feeling so hurt. I think the posters above are just trying to unboggle your mind, not tell you to stuff your feelings away. Obviously this came as quite a shock to you. Most of your hurt may have to do with just the shock of it. With a little time that will wear off and you will have a clearer perspective on how you really feel about the situation. So I guess I'm just saying, give yourself some time to digest this.

I would certainly never tell you not to feel what you're feeling. I just meant not to sabotage your relationship with him by being reactionary. I agree, once you've had some time to think about it, at least a couple of weeks, then sit down with him and say 'Ok, I've had some time to think about it. This is how the news has affected me.' Not about him, but about you. He needs your honesty, just like you need his. Just don't give him reactionary honesty. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I agree with snuggle fresh. This is something that has probably been on his mind every day of his life and it's something he'll live with forever. Or, maybe not...but you're not him. He didn't do anything to you personally by not telling you, you just feel (perhaps) that his lack of full disclosure is not honest. I've been married for 17 years and if there's anything I've learned, it's that men don't think a lack of information is a lie. My husband does not believe that if he "forgets" to tell me something and it upsets me,it's really valid. Keep talking to him, but don't attack him. This was many years ago.

Its not the fact I am hurt by him getting another woman pregnant and her having an abortion prior to meetimg me. I am very hurt by I am on my second child with this man and I have been with him and married to him for over 3 years and I have only just found out about it now.
****************************

So, what i think i hear you saying is that you are hurt that your H kept such a serious secret from you?
I can relate to that....suddenly you feel like you don't know him as well as you thought you did...and you start questioning your own judgement.

I do find the fact that he thought about it and decided to tell you a very good sign.
He is a man who wants to be honest w/ you...try not to push him away or he may never feel safe enough to be vulnerable with you.

The thing that concerns me the most and the thing that everyone else seems to be overlooking is that he was not so much as keeping a secret about himself--as he was keeping a secret about someone else. He might have been the only other person who knew this woman had an abortion. Now he has trusted this information to one other person--and not done it lightly. He gave himself 24 hours to think about it and then pleaded with her to keep it "confidential".

Well after last night and reading some of your post I was very sad, and I broke down. I was getting to the point that I was accepting it, I agree also it was a huge shock to me and my husband has never kept something from me before. Peita you saying it was someone else's secret, I feel is true to an exstent It was also my husbands secret and I am his wife. Dont you think I should know? Living a christian marriage I feel like we need to be honest with eachother.He also lived across the country when this happened and so does the girl, so its not as if she will ever know, he hasnt spoken to her since (8yrs) I have also asked him when we were dating if he has got another woman pregnant becasue it is so common and he did say no. I know that my husband is a great man and I love him very much and the thing that I dont think you people understand is I didnt give him a hard time about it. He told me, I said nothing becasue I was shocked later that night I thanked him told him it has made me respect him more for telling me and that I loved but I felt a little hurt and shocked. He completly understands. I came on here becasue I am not going to tell anyone that we assocate with and he knows I came on here to talk, as of last night when he walked into the room and I was reading the posts and crying becasue of some of the hurtful things that were said to me. He got very angry and does not want me on this site. He didnt agree with what everyone was saying to me, more or less piete when she was saying I had no empathy and what kind of church I went to. I never said I was angry at my husband I never said I didnt give him empathy and he just thought that was hypicritical for that person not giving me empathy after making such a bold statment. He now feels like this is a very bad website. I will listen to him and this will be my last post. I just wanted you all to know I wasnt comming on here to bash my husband we are trying to help familys in our community and be strong leaders in our church, thats why he thought is was so important for me know. He is my best friend and I know I am very lucky to have him. I just wanted to talk and I thought this might be a good place where I could maybe find someone to mentor me through this shock and hurt.I was on here to find a friend that maybe could talk to me about my feelings, when I came on here I just wanted to feel a bit better but it has made things worse. I do thank you for your posts and I hope everyone has great day... God Bless