I am at a loss. Someone mentioned having DH write a letter to OW ending it and he says he doesn't want to "open a dialogue" with her. Is that a cop-out or does it make sense?

I thought it sounded like a good idea, but he has blocked her from everything and says that he would rather just never talk with her again than give her the opportunity to respond to something. I feel like he just doesn't want to write it down.

Also, he doesn't think I should tell her spouse. But I feel like if I were him, I'd want to know.

POLL:
1. Do I make him tell her it's over in a letter?
2. Do I tell her husband what I know?

Hi hickdownmommy
Not sending a NC contact letter was the stupidest thing I ever did. It may have cost me my marriage. In my defence, I didn't know about Dr Harley at the time.

The NC letter is written by you both and is not a letter that should be answered. We can give you an example if you like. It simply states to OW that your husband is working on his marriage, is deeply ashamed of his behaviour and wishes no further contact of any kind. That she must respect his wishes in this regard.

It is signed and addressed by him and mailed by you.

Tell her husband. I guarantee there will be at least one attempt to break NC and he is your best ally in spotting this attempt.

He has said that he will write it. But still doesn't want to. He says she will think that he did it to get me off of his back. But I know that she will try to contact him, even without a NC letter. I figure that after the letter is sent, any response from her will be the beginning of his NC...he can ignore her after he's told her it's over.

I drafted a letter to her husband. I feel evil for sharing it with him, and scared that my H will be angry with me, but I feel like I need to tell him so that the secret is out and the affair can no longer live.

Secrecy protects the affair...I don't want any remnants out there. I need to know that it is done. For good this time.

Do not tell your husband you are sending the letter to the other BS. Your husband sounds like he is still in a fog and if he doesn't want to send a NC letter to the OW he will not want one sent to the BS either. Send the letter, if the other BS knew wouldn't you want him to let you know?

Hi HTM...
You sound like me...Your story… everything… The difference being I'm barely ahead of you... FIRST! Get the courses from Dr Harley! I believe in them. My WS embraced them... because he was ready to... You know your WS... you know deep down inside if he is really ready... What my WS has learned has helped him to understand what he needs to do to minimize the pain of my recovery. Having done all this for the last 3 months... every day... I can tell you... my healing is 10x faster now that he REALLY understands. I’m still a newbie and haven’t taken the time to figure out how to quote yet. Don’t believe he considered you a "roommate" He might believe it. With every lesson we do... my WS sees that he was making excuses to place the blame on me. How bad he hurt me. That he made selfish demands I could not meet so he could justify his own actions.

So… questions… I can’t give you the answers. I can only tell you what I would do… or did…. It seems I have been living and breathing the concepts on this website so long I know them by heart… Yet I still learn more every day. However… my WS would willingly tell you that I went after accomplishing what needed to be done with precision accuracy. I did not ask or consult him. He will also tell you that he was glad I did what needed to be done, because he might have objected… not seeing the need. And that would have hurt me. But… he was glad I did because she has not contacted him since.


So… A Separation Letter
Is the A over? How long? If it is and you really believe it is over… I did not make him write a separation letter.. sex ended about six months ago but they were still emotionally attached. I wrote a short e-mail to her and copied her husband. Told her I had undeniable proof and would send it to her husband. It was not a nice letter…I admit… I was still in shock… phrases like “scum of the earth”… It was short and to the point. When I did this she immediately chased my WS down… multiple times. Her BS also called him, which he did not answer. He told me immediately. He was shocked… couldn’t understand the need… I told him… tell them… “I’m sorry, I can’t help you. I am committed to my wife and our marriage” I told my WS… they will try a few more times and they will get the point. Amazing… he agreed… he saw the logic… and he wanted her out of his life. But she did chase him down a few more times… so I sent her husband “proof”. I have frequent urges to needle her more… but as long as she leaves him alone… I don’t want to stir her up… maybe someday… when I’m feeling feisty… who knows…

Tell Her Husband? YES! But he may not believe…. Doubt is all you need… that stopped her in her tracks…. At least for now.
I recorded parts of his confession… the “10 Questions” he did not know I recorded him. I did not know I was going to record him. As the magnitude unfolded, I got up and got a tape recorder… and the finished. I sent some to her BS. Just enough. He still refuses to believe… but the minute I heard doubt in his voice I closed the e-mail addy and cut contact. I did promise that EVERY TIME she contacted my WS, I would contact him. It was enough to cause doubt.. and she has not contacted him again…. My WS did not know I recorded him… and after some thought, agreed with the precision of my mission. And… the more he learns about what happened and why (through the courses)… the better he understands why I did what I did. He now trusts that my motives are not based on revenge, but to fix us. He is so happy to have a chance to regain his life again... and through MB courses make it better than he could imagine. We make the best of what we call our “love lessons”. We shut the doors… light candles and curl up in soon fashion and listen. It’s gotten to the point that we look forward to the next audio.

. There is a thread under Recovery called “Why Would a Mann Admit to An Affair That Didn’t Happen? The OW's BH Refuses to Believe the Truth”. Most of my story is there. The rest is in my story is scattered through “Letters to the OW/OM (For Us... Not Them... a Place to Vent)”… and a few other posts…

Good luck.. I hope this helps…
4 YR