I wrote a NC letter to OW. She got it and forwarded it without comment to my DH.

I have drafted a letter to the OW BH and am sitting on it. I want to tell him. I feel I need to tell him even if he doesn't believe me. Mu DH doesn't want me to. Most of my friends say "let it be" but I feel like I need to.

Expose the secret so that it can never exist again.

1. The NC letter has to come from your Wayward Husband not from you. Of course this didn't work! All Betrayed Spouses want NC.

2. If your Wayward Husband will not send the NC letter that you two have drafted, it means he is still seeing Slag. Go to the instructions to excecute plan A on this site and get working!

He says that he will send it if I want him to. He just thinks that it isn't a good idea...that it opens a dialogue with her. I feel like, he sends the NC letter and then any other contact she tries to make, he repels.

You got it!

Slag. What a PERFECT name. Somehow it fits.

I sat down with DH last night and very matter of factly told him that I decided that the NC letter needed to be sent. He said ok and asked if I had suggestions. I told him that I had written some notes and he said he'd work on it...meaning in the future. I said, no, it needs to be done now. He was squirmy about doing it. My stomach churned...oh no, he doesn't really want to end it with OW...

He sat down and wrote it. When he was finished, he said that he might want to write another one later. I didn't understand and told him, no, there was no need to say more. He explained that he felt that the letter was not just for OW...and that without time to think, he hadn't said enough yet.

Oh...he wanted to express things to me. That's why he had been uncomfortable on the spot.

The letter was perfect. It named the affair and expressed his love and commitment to me and the boys. He even said that NO ONE deserves to be hurt the way that he's hurt me. Wow! It felt wonderful to read.

I sent it this morning in the mail. I'm glad that is done.

How do you know the OW will actually abide by H wishes? My H agreed last night that this could be done (EA), but I'm afraid this will lead to OW beginning contact again, as it has taken a break -- hopefully forever!

HOW DO I KNOW THIS WON'T STIR UP THE POT???

Fiori,
THAT has been my biggest challenge. I am terrified that it might do just that.

I am acting on the experience of the people here...with a little faith. I don't know.

It's more complicated than that because I caught him in what I thought was just an EA more than two years ago with this same OW and I listened to his phone conversation with her where he ended all contact. Don't think I haven't thought that this is just bull like that time.

But some things are necessary. The NC letter makes it "official." Maybe not for her, but for him. And if she doesn't respect it and does try to contact him, that's where the EXTRAORDINARY PRECAUTIONS and the AGREEMENT OF RADICAL HONESTY come in. My DH and I are putting those things in place to ward off any attempts she makes (or any OW makes).

I'll let you know how it goes. She should be getting the letter in a day or two.

To be honest, the vindictive b*&^% in me hopes that her husband picks up the mail that day. My DH name is the return address and he will know it's not good. BTW I decided not to tell him, only because more bad than good will come from me telling. I think it will come out in their marriage soon enough. And believe me, if she does try to contact DH, I won't hesitate to let her know that I will be sharing with her DH.

Well, good luck with that. But, my ow in the EA does not have a spouse. This is how I got in this mess in the first place because he walked out of her last year for another person. She used this sadness to go to my H for emotional support as he was her boss at the time. I hate that she has access to him every day at work. He told me her cubical is nowhere near his office, but as far as I'm concerned, Mars is too close! I really don't trust her to not try to contact him again. Maybe what I really don't trust is his promise to me that he won't speak with her. The problem with an EA is that there is such a gray area here. When sex is not a factor it is so easy for the H to rationalize his "friendship". But, again I state --- man or woman...if I had a friend who was this toxic to our marriage, this person would no longer be my friend. Period!!! If you know others are being hurt, knock it off!

He has to have NO CONTACT AT ALL. That means that he needs to change jobs. It sounds crazy, I know, but if he really is committed to your marriage, he has to do this. It's only a job.

IMHO, you sound like where I was two years ago when my DH kept telling me it was a friendship...maybe an EA, but nothing was happening. He also told me that I was too controlling and that it was my problem. He felt it unreasonable to not have female friends. I said EXACTLY what you said...

if I had a friend who was this toxic to our marriage, this person would no longer be my friend. Period!!! If you know others are being hurt, knock it off!

And you're right! That is what he should do. If he doesn't see that, then he isn't ready to commit to your marriage and isn't really done with his A. I am not trying to scare you, and I know that it is always way more complex than what we can write down. But I can tell you that had I known then what I know now (add two more years of an off and on A and yes! they were having sex all along), I would have realized that it was still going on.

My DH now has said that he will change ANYTHING that we need to change. Jobs, houses, cities, ANYTHING. He says that everything else is replaceable. Our marriage, over everything else. That is not what he said two years ago. He was half-a$$ about the whole thing. Yeah, he promised not to talk with her. But he never saw it as a HUGE deal.

Be careful. I think the steps here are necessary.

Please keep writing me and I'll try to help...even if it's the blind leading the blind. LOL

So, you are able to "recover" from this betrayal? I really do believe this has not progressed to PA, you can call me crazy. But, even this much of an A is detrimental to my well being. It's just sooooo shocking that the man I've devoted so much time and love to actually found someone else to be more fun at the time. She's been back to work for three days now and there has been no contact on either part. But, I know the possibility is still there as they are in the same building. But, he is looking for a new job. Not an easy task at his level but he's working on it. Honestly, he was ready to move on anyway, this was a good kick in the butt. I just need to turn off my brain sometimes. I watched IDOL with the kiddies and a song was on about cheating and my brain goes to H & OW. He never listens to songs...I hear every word. They all seem to be talking to me! Crazy, I know. Once I get the kids off to school I will read your story and we'll go from there. This space is extremely helpful. Does your husband know you write on here? Does he care if you share this with stranger? Mine know...he thinks it's good if it helps me. I often wonder if he reads it after I go to bed. No matter...

Ok, wow! I read your story. It's so sad that people do not understand the destruction they do to the one's they supposedly love. Yesterday I found here the basics for the NC letter. Probably not tonight, but this weekend I will show H the basics and make sure the letter gets written. Truthfully, I've already composed one, but I'd like to see what he comes up with on his own. I will show him mine as a guide and then we'll go from there. I will say this, though, you need to be proud of yourself. When I began reading your posts up til now you've come so far. It's obvious that you're still in pain, but you've transitioned into the helper. You're taking what has happened to you and are helping those like me to get from day to day. Just in case no one has said this to you ::: THANK YOU. You are a good soul.

Thank you for your words of kindness...but sometimes I think that helping others is my way of avoiding my own sorrow. When I am trying to help someone like you, I can ignore the pain inside me.

Yesterday was HORRIBLE. Just like you, everything is a trigger for me...songs, food, clothing, faces...I saw a woman at the kids school yesterday that just reminded me of OW and I lost it. It's rough. And I bury myself in our boys. But when they are busy with their own things or I have a moment alone (which is rare), I fall apart.

Everyone keeps telling me that I am doing so well, but I'm faking it. I just can't fall apart because I have too many other people counting on me.

DH made a comment yesterday about how he can't focus at work (like it was my fault) and that is affecting our income (we're completely broke). I'm sure he didn't mean it that way, but it sounded that way. So now I feel like even the one person I was leaning on, I can't.

DH knows that I post here. I'd love for him to do the same, but he just doesn't read/write much in communication. He has a hard time expressing himself that way. Maybe someday he'll come here. He says that I need to do anything that helps. This helps.

How come everyone seems to be in California? I'm clear acress the country or else I'd come have a cup of tea with you. This is one of those weird clubs that I'd rather not be in. How are you keeping this from the boys. I, too, am a boy mom and I find this challengeing. Mine are junior and high school so they are old enough for me to want to scream "DO YOU SEE WHAT DADDY DID TO ME....NEVER DO THIS TO YOUR WIFE!" But, I don't..at least not out loud.
My H does not come here either. But, if there are things that I think will benefit him to read I do alot of cut/paste. I start a new document in Word and compile lots of helpful hints and then print for him at the end of the day. What's helped us is for him to see that I'm not crazy by the way I react sometimes.
Right now my current frustration is his attitude towards me. While I am expected to identify his "needs" and tend to them, I'm waiting for him to tend to mine. I believe he should be romancing himself back into my good graces. I think it's great that he's physically here, but it's simply not enough. I walk on egg shells wondering if I yell at the kids, the laundry isnt done or dinner isn't Just right, if he's "pick her". IT's an exhausting existance to be in. Shouldn't he be trying to dazzle me?

I have to get boys out the door to school, but I will write later. We really do need to have "tea." Maybe we can do it via internet. Maybe by phone.

It is a club that we don't want to be a part of but I am sure glad that I have it here to lean on.
Robyn

My boys are young...4, 5, and 7. I hide it the best I can because I know that it isn't something that they should or even could understand. I try to talk on the phone outside or in the other room while they are busy playing. But they feel something. My five year old is especially emotional and has been much more emotional this past week. My seven year old asked me why I'm on the phone so much. And my four year old was in bed when I woke up crying. Daddy told him I had a bad dream. But it''s exhausting. I don't really want to run away, but I need to take time to be sad.

My DH has been bending over backwards for me, anything and everything I want...something he has never done in the past, even after I caught him in a lie the first time. Yeah, he did some stuff then, but really just enough to convince ME that it was better. I see now that it wasn't really what he needed. Just something to placate me.

This difference just reinforces my gut feeling that your WH is not finished with whatever is going on. And in a sense, you can't make him quit until he decides to.

As I understand it, Plan A is where YOU should start. I haven't had to do that part because we were kind of already through that section of the A without me even knowing it. I guess I was already showing him the wife he wanted, it was just the switch in him that had to change.

Do you have your own story thread? I would like to read it.
Robyn <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Fiori...

He has to LOVE YOU for who you are. You are a mom. It's a tough job and sometimes the dishes or the laundry don't get done. Sometimes you will yell at the kids. He has to LOVE YOU for all of that. You are right, it is a painful existence to live worried that you will do something wrong and he will leave. He cannot hold that over you. And if you feel that way, you need to talk with him about it. Maybe you are perceiving something that isn't true and he can help calm your fears.

My DH knows that I'm not perfect and while I am working on bumping up my satisfying his emotional needs (his #1 is Domestic Support...can you believe it?), I am not pretending to be someone that I'm not. I can't live like that and I don't want to live like that. I can change little things, but not the big stuff.

First of all, I don't know how to do a 'thread' that gives you my story. Tell me what to do and I'll do it!
Now, as for the H...we talked alot last night and again today. He has no problem writing/sending the NC letter. But, I wrote some notes for him and he said 'what you wrote sounded good, I'll just send that'. I told him NO WAY...this is your job, not mine. Thankfully, he agreed. So, that will get done this weekend. He's also finally agreed that he sees the reality that staying at his current job where she is cannot occur. I've made it very clear that it's ZERO or ZERO. If she's there in any capacity, he cannot have me. I'm a pretty good catch (if I do say so myself) so there must be someone out there that would love me for me. Really, I'm just kidding about that! However, I wouldn't want to think that he's on some comfort level where he can do anything or nothing and I'll just wait around for him to "pick me". He says there was never a choice and that he never even considered leaving here. Wow. lucky me! Sorry, sarcasm run rampant these days. But, seriously, if you knew him you'd be shocked by his actions this past year. He's at that great age of 42 and she fed him with the promise of a do-over family. Our boys are 15 and 12 and he's really struggling with the fact that he's getting 'older' and the boys need us less and less. Hmmm...that's funny because they seem to always need something! This would be soooo much easier if I didn't love him. But, that was a process for me to figure out -- did I really love HIM or was it the idea of HIM. Yes, I would survive if he left, but I don't want to have to try. We've been married 17 years and it's been great. We argue terribly and by that I mean we don't do it very well or constructively. And, I resent the amount of time he devotes to work and he resents that I resent it. So, in walks the little chippy who 'understands'his lifestyle and she schmmoozed him up one side and down the other. Do tell me about putting together 'my story' and then I'll give you the whole bit from day one to today. Do you normally get to be on the computer weekends or shall I wait til Monday or so for a response? If it's after the weekend, stay sane and keep a positive outlook -- that's my goal.
D

To start your own thread, go to the "Main Index" and choose "General Questions" (you can post anywhere, but that one seems to get the most traffic). Once you can see the list of threads, look for the tab that says "Post" on the top of the list. Click that and it'll start your own thread. You can even place a "reminder" on it so that it will show up in your home page (that way you don't have to search for it later). The reminder is the little icon at the bottom of the post with a ribbon around a finger. You can place a reminder on any post and it'll list in your home page.

I am on the computer off and on all the time. Mainly during the week when DH isn't at home and I have kids in and out of the house. The weekends tend to be taken up with family stuff, but I do check in. I feel very tied to this forum at the moment (wonder why?...I think it's a lifeline at the moment).

That's awesome about the letter and it's so great that you stood up to him and said he needed to write it. My DH did the same thing. But I put it very matter-of-fact. I think I even said, "Let's just git-er-dun." (One of his favorite sayings). It's also great that he sees that no contact is essential...including work. Maybe he's coming out of the "fog" that everyone talks about here.

I bet you're a catch. I think we almost always forget that our spouses ARE lucky to have us. It's obvious to me that anyone posting here is making an effort that many wouldn't in this day and age to save their marriage. It's got to be easier to walk away than to deal with this crap. My BFF are both so angry at DH they could spit and yet I can't even find my anger yet. I know it's there and I want it but at the same time I'm afraid of it.

Robyn,
I was going to start a new thread with my story but have decided to write it here instead. I'm a bit paranoid about it so I'll bury it a little!
I have been happily married since 1990. My H and I get along very well and have two boys who are 15 and 12. We have basically worked very hard to keep our family together happily.
Fast forward to 2007 when things began to crash down around us. My H works in the city and is a VP at a company. One of his contemporaries quit (smart man) and then his people became my H responsibility. One of these was a woman who was married to another man working in the same company. Some time after Christmas her H explained to her that he believed after many years of marriage he was living a lie and was gay and was leaving her to move cross country. Needless to say, this crushed her and she became very distracted at work. Being her boss, she came to my H for advise and guidance. Sadly, he gave it! He came to me and started talking to me about this girl at work who was having such a hard time. I felt badly for her. Eventually we both invited her to our home for dinner as I thought she may need a friend. Well, enter the enemy! I knew five minutes after she entered my home that she had bad intentions for how this was going to play out. She made it very clear to me that she was attracted to my husband and had every intention of making me uncomfortable in my own home. As soon as she left I told H about my intuition and he thought I was nuts. I told him he had NO idea how mean and selfish women could be and that he needed to beware. So, a few weeks go by and we have a 'talk'. It seems as though she came into his office to expain she was having trouble 'concentrating' at work. H thought she was struggling with impending divorce so offered time off. She says....NO, my problem is with YOU...I think I'm falling in love with you! H does nothing....just sort of fumbles with words and ushers her out the door. He tells me of this and I have that moment where I go "AAA HHHAAAA" I was right!
Now, normal people would back off here, but not my H. He delved right into the savior mode. He was going to restore her faith in the male sex and see to it that he 'fixed' her. I warned him again of the mess he could potentially get into but he figured it was safe at work. But, sadly it did not stay at work. She showed up one morning at the train station where he'd be and he took her to him mom's house to see a baby foal. I know this because two days after the ill fated visit, I looked at his cell phone and found an email that said ''' thanks for taking me to see the mom and baby...it was great to see where you grew up...blah, blah, blah...So, being calm and collected (not) I went into the bathroom, pulled aside the shower curtain and verbally lambasted him for his little tryst and threw his phone into the shower wall crushing it to pieces! When he came out of the shower I asked him for her phone number and he gave it to me. I called her at home at 7am and told her I'd be meeting her at 12:00 noon and to be in the lobby or I would make a scene she would not like. So, she came. I went downtown and met with OW. She assured me that she had only good intentions and that her heart was broken and she saw my H as a support. I was very kind but extremely direct with her. This meeting went on for one hour and was very liberating for me. I went up to his office, told him he was coming home with me and dragged him kicking & screaming out of his office. So, many more insults later, I have found many emails, phone calls etc. To my knowledge, there were not any outside of work 'dates'. We have spoken many, many times as to how we should resolve this situation. Finally, in October things came to a head. I was speaking to a friend of mine who reminded me that I was being a doormat and that he was not honoring me by being aligned with her if he was my husband. So, being fired up from our conversation i confronted him once he got home. Things got a little heated and he finally said "I'm not sure I'm supposed to be with you...I think I'm supposed to be with her". He might have just killed me right there. Many hours later, I finally said to him "fine, if this is what you want, GO. I don't deserve this from anyone and if you cannot love me then I don't want you." He cried, I cried. He made some crack comment that I'd be ok. I said sure, I will...but keep in mind...when you crawl in bed with her, I'll be alone, when you reach over to hold her hand, I'll have no one to hold, when you sit and the movies and laugh, I'll be here with our children'. This statement brought him to his knees. He could not imagine a life without me and our kids and vowed to make major changes. The next day we spent hours at church and he spent time with our deacon for help. We went to marriage counseling a few days later and began the process of repair. Sadly, though, she has not cooperated at all. She has been a diehard about ruining our marriage and has not respected his 'choice'. He has spoken to her many times about his decision to end their friendship and re-committ to our marriage. She kicked, she sputtered, she cried...She called many times and made a complete fool of her. She even showed up at my MIL's house late one night and tried to get her to help her cause. My MIL explained to her that she was barking up the wrong tree and needed to move on. She said she would, but has not done so yet.
To date, he does not have contact with her, although she does still work in the same building. This has been a greuling process...one that is still in the making. He disrespected me and I have to find a way to get passed it. He now sees that her intentions were totally selfish, but for him it's been hard too. If she was simply a 'friend' and did not muddy the water with emotion, he probably still want to be friends with her. She's probably not a horrific person, but she is doing horrific stuff to us. He's very responsible for his actions too. I can only hope that we are able to move passed this and that she finally gets the reality of the situation when she receives his NC letter.

So, that's it. Although, soooo much has been left out. It's too complicated to write. But, we're trying.