So here is the short version of my story. I'm 38, my husband is 42, our daughter is 6, we've been married for 7 years. November 2006 my husband told me he wanted to talk to me and said he wasn't happy and wanted a divorce. I was so mad I couldn't see straight and told him if that was what he wanted then leave. March 2007 I did a lot of soul searching and told him that I wanted him back. He was mad that we had been separated for months and then I told him I wanted him back. Up to this point we never really even fought, but that changed big time. He wanted to come clean and told me about OW and we spent the next 3 weeks with him saying one day he loved me and moving back home and the next day saying he loved the OW and moving back in with her. We are actually doing better than I ever expected right now, but I am still having trouble with all the things he told during the 3 weeks when we were trying to get back together. He critisized everything about me, my hair, my hygiene, my body, my clothes, the way I treated him, the way I made him feel, etc. And all this was in comparison to how wonderful the OW was. He is very remorseful for the things he said and how bad be hurt me. But I am still having trouble getting past all the things he said. Any words of wisdom on how I can regain my self esteem and get past the mean things he said?

People in the midst of an affair say lots of horrible things.

Has he written OW a no-contact letter and do you have verifiable no contact?

What is his attitude like now? Is it he'll do what ever it takes for as long as it takes?

Have you read the infidelity articles on this web site? Just compensation includes building an affair proof marriage as well as NC.

Hi Victoria,

welcome to MB, sorry your first posts came down the way they did!!! given you mentioned you have been a lurker, i am hoping that means you have seen this sort of stuff before and it will not stop you from continuing to search for what you are searching for.

FYI: besides the GQII board, the Recovery Board has some great posters that might be of help. You might want to start a thread there too.

all the best to you.

Bigkahuna, There has been NC since April 2007. There was not a NC letter as we did not know about MB then. But my husband went to IC several times during March and April 2007 which helped him figure out that he wanted to be married to me and he has told me that he told OW that he was going back to me and that there could be no further contact. I believe him (for the most part) that there is NC. He has been very committed to me and our marriage and has been the husband I always dreamed of and wanted him to be since May 2007. I just can't forget the things he said to me during the time when he was confused about what he wanted.

FL, Thanks for your support. Your thread about when to confess is what finally motivated me to post on here. I wish so much my husband had figured out his confusion before I knew about the OW. He is so remorseful for the things he said to me during that time, but the words still cut so deep, I just can't get them out of my head.

Victoria...you will NOT forget those things. Perhaps if you focus on just the here and now you will do better. If you are having a hard time getting over the hurtful things he said to you a year ago, I suggest either giving it some time...or seeking counseling.
Your H figuring out his confusion before confessing is really a silly idea. It just prolongs the deception and can result in you having even more to get over...since after he confessed you should be diligently watching his actions. You would not be able to do that if he were still lying.
FLTH waited 4 months and continued to be a WS the entire time. Until a WS informs the BS of the truth they are WS. I can just see some WS using FLTH logic as a reason to never really come clean....and who could blame them if indeed they say they were only trying to deal with their confusion?
Hearing about infidelity is always painful...there is no easy way to hear the truth. Do the best you can here and now.
BTW...did you notify the BH of your H's adultery partner? Does you H give you total access to every aspect of his life? Is he accountable for his time and efforts in the marriage?

Victoria I very much doubt him waiting to tell you would have made a difference even if you think it would have.

You really are entering a hard stage here now - 6-8 months after d-day is very difficult. Anger often hits.

Most of the stuff he told you doesn't even make sense and he may well have been trying to hurt you. Who knows.

It will get better if you hang in there.

Keep posting and learning. You can make it through this.

I also agree with MEDC - focus on the NOW.

What you are going thru is a stage where you are unable to accept all the evil that was told to you over a period of time when your FWS was in the thick of adultery.

You are ruminating and unable to accept what was said to you.

Your H is remorseful, and probably can't believe the words that came out of his mouth at that time. You say he is very regretful.

I know, because this is how I was.

Now, what I am telling you, is that, sometimes, it just IS.

It doesn't make what happened right, or good, but it just IS. You have to get to that point. You have to accept it. Not right, not good, but it happened.

In the long term, it will fade. It will be a short, horrible time in your life, but you WILL get to the point where it doesn't hurt so much, and you can look at it more objectively.

Did you ever say something awful that you couldn't take back? I think we all have.

And obviously, your H didn't really feel that way, or else he wouldn't be with you now, doing the best he can to recover your marriage.

Focus on the NOW, get up every day and think about all the blessings you have in your life. Think about all the positive things in your life and be THANKFUL.

I think this might help you move past this.

You will get thru this. I agree that you are going thru a difficult stage right now, your anger and hurt are VERY normal.

Do you have an IC who is helping you through this stage?
Are you still willing to work on recovery?

Oh, and you are WORTHY. Don't forget it.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Vict
Personally I'm over Dr Phil but he says some things that are SO true, you gotta ive him credit. One of those things is

"women have long memories"

Cutting remarks no matter how unintented stay with women if they hit the right spot. Your husband was wrong to say these things and he knows it, he's remorseful, that's what counts. If he doesn't say these things anymore, he obviously is remorseful and there's not much more he can do than not repeat his mistakes.


Self esteem comes from how you view yourself NOT how someone else views you. YOU know what is right and true, so you need to concentrate on yourself and forgive your H his hurtful remarks that cut you so deep.

FL ... FWIW, a considered approach to what to do in a difficult situation is far more valuable than a knee jerk reaction. You took awhile at 4 mths but you did do what you thought was right for YOU and H, that's what's important, not what others think you should have done. Reading Brooke's sitch, I think a bit more thought into how best to expose may have resulted in a better outcome. Advice from an expert and a few days may have helped her H cope with this pain better, we will never know, but it certainly woudn't have hurt.

Hi Victoria,

Sorry for your difficulties overcoming the past. Here is a story I shared on the first page of my recovery thread last summer about how our tough MC helped us begin to overcome the nasty things that came up and kept coming up months after my H's 6 months EA (and 4 D-Days):

******************

Last week, I actually said things that even I could not believe came out of my mouth. We had a 'discussion' about a family matter that H seemed to minimize (in my eyes) and when I asked him nicely about it (or so I thought), he got defensive, sarcastic and short with me...~~~~>trigger<~~~~~like last summer when he was still connected to that OW but doing and saying all the right things to me.

I said "Just get it over with....go ahead, reconnect with her so I don't have to wonder anymore."

FWH said that it hurts him when I do that and he slides back into thinking that nothing he ever does will ever be good enough....that my bar of approval is too high.

MC did not flinch.

He merely said, "Picture a pool of sewage, a scummy, broiling, gunky mass....

That's what your A has created...

...Her trigger is like a stick, stirring up the gassy sediment on the bottom....which then has to erupt on the top in a stinky, foul bubble that permeates the air.

Has to happen....it's inevitable.

So ya do the same thing you do with any other unpleasant odor.....excuse yourself, wave it away and it hope it dissapates quickly. It will go away harmlessly.....eventually....if you quit stirring."

Epiphany #1: QUIT STIRRING THE SEWAGE AFTER OFF-GASSING.

MC said I may off-gas (sounds gross but it's true) for the rest of our marriage.....should decrease with time but could happen. I will try to off-gas on MB...right here on this thread. Even if no one reads it, at least I'll get the hot stinky air out so there's less to stir with my H.

Epiphany #2: QUIT HOLDING FWH HOSTAGE TO THE PAST.

If I want a better future, I need to quit referring to the past. My FWH chuckled at my attempts to twist my usual 'negative warnings' into 'positive projections'. AAAAANNNNDDDD, he is now making an effort to change things about his reactions, too.

Epiphany #3: CHOOSE MY PATH OF PREFERENCE:

I decide my future....even if the foundation was set without my approval. If I don't want the results of the past, I (and only I) choose not to go there.

Epiphany #4: REINVENT MY LIFE TO PURSUE MY PASSIONS AND USE THEM TO INSPIRE OTHER PEOPLE.

My passions involve becoming a godly woman, wife & mother(and, eventually grandmother); using my gifts to my potential; leaving a legacy of love.

It may sound cheesy but it's true. And it's different for each of us. Identifying and following a new (or current) passion often will provide the distraction needed to endure our unpleasant memories, possibly replacing or decreasing them eventually, even if they never totally go away.

*************

This story is not exactly like your sitch, but much of it applies anyhow. Like most have already said on your thread, focus on the NOW and the FUTURE. The pain will ease and you will heal. I didn't believe it when folks told me that, but it is true. Time will help, especially if we quit stirring the nasty gasses.

Glad you're able to post now, Victoria. Hope you continue to seek and to grow.

Best wishes,

Ace

ozdreamer, i wanted you to know i saw your comment. thanks. i'm sure you understand that i am not going to discuss this anymore, certainly not now anyway.

i'm really really glad to see Victoria getting help and great advice <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

this board really does rock.

Victoria,

Sounds like u r looking for closure. Give Steve a call so you and your H can work on a good recovery plan. Your plans w/b different since your perspectives are different but it c/b a good recovery plan.

Getting closure was and is vital for my personal and M recovery.

You may never forget but your H can help you work through it and you in turn can help him, making your R stronger.

JMHO,
L.

Vic, I suspect that as you begin to heal from what has happened to you, you will be glad you knew asap instead of living in denial.

I went through 4 agonizing months of being told I was the lowest ****** piece of ****** on the planet. Hard to forgive, yes, but I would not have traded one of those epithets for a chance to know the truth.

The truth empowered me to fight.

And, BTW, we are now happily recovered. I have not forgotten what he said then, but we have almost 3 years of him consistently demonstrating that he is a new person. That makes it much easier to not dwell on the past.

Vic,

Yes words are powerful. I was much like Acey when it came to saying whatever I felt like to any family member when I was angry. I was the queen of angry outbursts and could say just plain horrible things to my DH.

Over time my AO's really drained his love bank and our relationship really suffered as he started to resent me. His anger and resentment ultimately led him to seek out relationships with OW.

To make a long story short, he had an affair, ended it, I found out and forgave him and we started trying to recover our marriage.

One of our biggest roadblocks to recovery ended up being that even though I worked really hard to overcome my tendency to react to conflict with an AO, my FWH was still carrying resentment for things I had said to him years before his affair. HE HADN"T FORGIVEN ME, and it was keeping a recovered marriage beyond our reach.

You are at a very difficult time following d-day, but it will pass. I suggest that you calmly discuss how you feel about the things your FHW said to you and try to accept that he was not your H at the time, but he was a fogged out wayward.

Accepting that he can't unsay them and most certainly doesn't feel that way now will help you to forgive him which IMHO is an important step in the road to recovery.

Who

Thank-you all for your words of advice. Many of you said I need to focus on NOW and that is the exact same things my husband keeps telling me. What I am struggling with is that I feel like I can't talk to my husband about these things because I know it will upset him and make him feel like he can never make me happy, since he is trying so hard to do things right and I still am not happy. Also, I don't want to even mention OW because I worry that it will make him think of her and I don't want him thinking about her. So I feel stuck, like I need to talk to him about how I feel but can't.