I found out a week ago that my H had been having an affair. It lasted two months. When I investigated an extremely high cell phone bill, I caught him. He admitted everything and immediately apologized. He told the OW that he was married (she didn't know). She was not happy and told him that she wanted NC (my H had already promised me that). I am completely devastated. We have been together for 10 years, married for 7. We also have 2 children (he has 1 from a prev. relationship, and we have 1 together).

My H changed his phone #, and claims that he is willing to do anything and everything he can to salvage our relationship.

Although he was wrong in his actions, I should also note that our relationship has always been a rollercoaster ride. For the last couple of years (and more specifically, last 6 months), I have pushed him away. My worst fear was an A. I guess I thought that if I expected the worst from him, I couldn't get hurt. I was wrong. I made myself COMPLETELY unavailable to him, even refusing to speak to him on occasion. I know this is wrong and I love my H.

The last two days have been very cathartic for me. We have talked much of this out and I feel like I need to give this relationship another try. I have spent much time thinking and praying. I will never know if things could have been different. However, I gave up on us long before the A. I want to rebuild, but I just feel so hurt. Also, I am overcome with fear and panic at times. If he doesn't answer his phone immediately (when he is at work), I panic. My H is sensitive to this and is returning my calls almost immediately at work. He isn't going ANYWHERE other than work (as far as I know) without me.

I don't know if I can ever get past this. I am constantly comparing myself to this mystery person (all I know is her name and where she lives - about 45 min. away). At times, I feel myself shutting down when I can't stop thinking about the OW. I ended up speaking w/ her briefly when I called the # to see who it belonged to. Since my # registered w/ my H name on caller ID, she began asking questions about who I was. I didn't want to have a conversation w/ her. She admitted that they had a PA and that she didn't know he had a wife. She also noted that things made sense - they didn't see each other often at all. I've read about the withdrawal, but my H doesn't seem to care. Is it something that will come later? I know it's only been 1 week, but it feels like an eternity to me!

The wounds are still very fresh. I find myself feeling that we can move forward. Then, soon after, I feel hopeless. I absolutely don't trust him - I check his phone everyday. My H is making everything available to me - I searched his car the other day.

I don't know how much to trust him, or if I even can.

I am in the same boat, just with a 4 weeks head start. The checking the cell phone is normal, I go through it, though it becomes less often every week. If he is offering everything, then take him up on it, but know its just going to take time. Trust takes time, forgetting takes time, in the end, time helps dull the pain, but even after 5 weeks I know its going to take much longer then I expected.

My DH admitted an A of 4+ years on Sunday. I have sort of known all along, but thought that it had ended awhile ago and never really believed that it had gone as far as it had.

I understand the shock. I am there with you. Some moments I want to run away, some moments I know I can work through this with him. We have three small boys and I can't spend all day processing.

Take all the support you can get. You have just experienced the most painful thing imaginable. It's ok not to know what you want. Talk to him. Talk to your friends/family. Mourn for the loss of your marriage and then begin to rebuild it.

I feel your pain also. I found out on Dec.5 with my own eyes. I caught my fiance of 9 1/2 yrs whom I have a disabled child with, kissing my best friend. Although it has been a few months, it still hurts like it was yesterday. I believe wanting to work through it one minute and then the next you give up hope is natural. That's exactly how I still feel. I took this week off from work to work things out, and lastnight was the first time this week that I slept in the same bed with her. She is being very supportive and learning from this site how bad the pain truely is, and she is very remorseful. I know it will take awhile before I can trust her again but she is trying to help. Try to stay strong and healthy, and keep your head up.

Thanks. I have confided in a good friend, but no one else. It is difficult because neither of our families is very supportive of us. His family dislikes me and vice versa. I'm afraid that if I tell everyone that people on both sides will use this as an opportunity to attack our marriage. I just don't feel that I can handle that at this point in time.

Also, he didn't tell anyone. None of his friends know. I like the idea that they wouldn't have been supportive of the A, but am not sure what to do. I don't like the idea of everyone in the world being involved in my personal life. We have far too many "friends" and family members that do a great job of that! Since he works long hours (which doesn't help the situation!), much of our interaction and emotion has been shielded from the children. For now, I think both kids need to just feel loved by us and not worry about anything else.

The other reason for not saying anything is his son (currently residing with us). The alternative home environment for this child (whom I love as my own) is not very good.

I just read your thread and I am sorry you are going through this. You stated that your WH told the OW he was married and she was mad and wanted NC. Did YOU talk to this woman or is this something he did on his own. This put up a red flag for me. You should have been involved in the NC to the OW. Keep your eyes open for anything odd. Did they have contact through e-mail? How did he know her? If he is in contact with her he may have gotten a new phone, check your credit card records.

I noticed incredibly large overages on our cell phone bill (we don't have a texting plan!). Upon investigation, I realized that the overages were due to TONS of texts/calls to one # in particular. I called the # to see who it was. Because my H name is on the phone plan, his name showed up on her caller id. She immediately asked me who I was and what I wanted. I told her that I was the W and that I would appreciate if she didn't call or text my H any longer. She became very upset and told me to get a divorce because my H was a jerk and had been sleeping w/ her. She wanted to call and talk to him - to end it. I said I was uncomfortable w/ that and we hung up.

Thankfully, I was able to speak to my H immediately after the exchange w/ the OW. He didn't know that I spoke w/ her. I told him that I had noticed too many calls to a certain #. He admitted everything and said he was sorry. He told me that it would be over - he'd never see/speak to the OW again. Obviously, we had a lot to discuss that evening. He answered all of my questions patiently and said that he'd do whatever it took to make our M work.

Shortly after that (we just sat and stared at each other for a while), his phone rang and he told me to check it. It was her and he said he wouldn't answer it. I told him that he could answer it and tell her that it was over (with me right there, so I could end it if I became too uncomfortable). At this point, I hadn't read the article about initiating NC through a LETTER! As soon as he answered, all I could hear was screaming. She told him to lose her # and asked how he could do something so thoughtless to his W and kids. He didn't say much, but said that he loved me. After a minute or so, I told him that I couldn't take it any longer. He told her he had to go and they hung up.

Two days later, he came home from work and said that she had called him. He didn't talk to her. His phone was on the table in the breakroom at work. One of his co-workers answered. When my H came back in the room, his co-worker said that he must have really ticked someone off. That someone called him and was screaming about how disgusting he is and what an idiot he is.

My H is NOT up to date on email... He works in construction and doesn't ever email. Also, we don't have any credit cards that we had I cut up about a year ago (a "debt management" strategy on my part!). I feel like I am completely paranoid! I check his phone and his car. He cleaned out his car (upon my request) and brought in his "hidden" condoms. He gave them to me and told me to throw them away.

Lastly (this is longer than I thought!), he met her at a bar. We don't go out very often. This time he was out w/ his friends. He met the OW and they exchanged #'s. The "texting time line" shows that they began communicating regularly. He said he viewed her as a friend at first, but enjoyed the contact so much (compared to my hostility at home) that things just progressed - and quickly.

I am not so foolish to think that everything is "fixed." I am constantly on the lookout. I have him call me from work on his breaks and when he leaves work. Then, I call and talk to him on his way home (to eliminate stops). It is so soon and everything is so fresh that I told him I refuse to make any determinations about our relationship at this time. I need to heal and am getting help. I'm not leaving yet, but I did let him know that that option is still on the table (pending ANY suspicions at all!).