When I go to work and my husband is at home he gets on the computer and watches porn and masterbats. It bothers me so much that he watches porn. I have told him this and he said it was something he has always done. He also said he already has a mother. Should it bother me that he watches porn? I feal hurt and betrayd. And its not that we don't have sex. He knows any time he wants it I do too. Most of the time I feal like I want it moore often than he does. What do I do?

One thing to NOT do is nag. Try to verbalize the things that upset you about this. When you look at porn and masturbate I feel _____________. Do it in a non judging manner, approach it from how YOU feel, not what is wrong with him.

Should it bother you? The important thing is that it does. Before you talk to him, make sure you know WHY it does.

Then LISTEN when he tells you why he does it.

If he is doing this and it makes you feel bad, you have to address it. His flip answer (I already have a mother) is manipulative and unfair and borders on abusive, and you have the right to state your case, and negotiate about it. You will have to set a boundary and let him know that your marriage cannot thrive without both of you discussing the issues and BOTH agreeing on what goes on in a marriage. You will have to become a little bit stronger, unfortunately, and stand your ground. Let us know if you have trouble and we can try to help.

Thands for the advice. We have talked about it and we never get anywhare. I toled him that I don't have a problem with him masterbating, I have a problem with the porn. I feal betrayed. I'm his wife I should be the one to turn him on. We have only been married for almost 9mths. I feal like we should still have the joy and fasionation of each other. I have told him this in a calm manner. I told him I just wanted him to know how I feal. All I get in return is that he has always done it. I personaly feal that eventualy the porn will not be enough and he will start to look other places, insted of looking at home. He told me that he would never cheat on me. I do belive him, I'm just scared that one day its not going to be enough.

The 'always done it' answer is a complete ignoring of your needs being as important as his needs. You have to be firm enough in this belief - that you have the right to have your wishes honored, just as much as he has the right to do what he wants. What I'm hearing is that he says what is 'law' and you just drop the subject. That's not a marriage. You have to be willing to set boundaries (equal say in the M) and consequences for the boundaries being crossed.

This may just be happening because, as a woman, you've been programmed to be a Giver. And he is taking advantage of his knowledge that you won't stand up for your rights.

Or, it may be happening because he has an abusive personality. By that I mean someone who gets what they want by intimidating or manipulating the other person; which would require a different approach. They are very good at reading you, knowing how much you'll put up with so they can do what they want. Does he act like this about other situations? Does he question your beliefs, your intelligence, your common sense? Does he decide when and where you guys do things? Does he make jokes at your expense and then say "I was just joking" if you question it?

They are very good at reading you, knowing how much you'll put up with so they can do what they want. Does he act like this about other situations? Does he question your beliefs, your intelligence, your common sense? Does he decide when and where you guys do things? Does he make jokes at your expense and then say "I was just joking" if you question it?
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good questions.

Doom,
It concerns me that you ASK if you SHOULD be bothered?
obviously you ARE bothered by it and your H dismissing your concerns is inconsiderate and rude.
have you thought about what bothers you about it... can you verbalize what you find offensive?
Hopefuly, we can help you find a way to explain your concerns to your husband in a way that he will not dismiss you.

You didn't say how old each of you are. If you are young, and he "has always done it" then it may be a way for him to exert some control over his life and sexuality.

Young men who are sexually immature and have not been long married sometimes feel frustrated and that they have given up a lot of the freedom and control they once had. The thing is that it is true. When you promise to love and honor someone for the rest of your life, you do give up the unfettered freedom to do whatever you want whenever you want, because you have promised to take another's feelings into account.

Problem is, a lot of young men enter into this not realizing that is what they promised. I would think that many young newlywed men have a lot of issues with Independent Behavior, which is a love buster.

Have you read about love busters on the site? I would strongly suggest that you do, then print out the LB questionaires and each of you fill them out. You may be surprised at the LBs BOTH of you are committing.

One other question: Did you know that he looked at porn before you were married? If so, did you think he would quit once you were married? Did you discuss this prior to marriage?

To answer some of your questions. I will be 21 next month and he will be 29 in April. Yes it did happen before we got married and we talked about it then. He said that he didn't know I felt that way and that he wouldn't do it again. So he lied, wich makes me question his truthfullness.
Our marriage is great other than this problem. I don't want to make a mountain out of a mole hill. But that is realy how I feal.

I don't think just looking at porn is going to make your husband eventually stray. It seems the real problem is that he told you he would stop and then he didn't keep his word. I know that would really bother me. Have you asked him why? If so, what was his explanation? Are there other things he has told you he would do and didn't as well?

I disagree.

That is far from the truth. A lot of people who habitually use porn, eventually do stray. My H included.

Doom, please, please, check out the RecoveryNation.com website. It will tell you exactly the answers you are looking for.

If you husband does this a lot and has been for a long time, it is an addiction. There are a lot of things wrong with this and you have every right to feel the way you do.

It is a betrayal. A big one and I know it affects you deeply. Check out the thread in GQII on Stalwart's thread. That discussion just recently started but there was another one not too long ago in the recovery section too.

Please check out that web site because things CAN get worse. A lot worse. Trust me, you'll be glad you did.

Two ways to go with this, as I see it. #1 - It is an annoying habit that you don't like but can live with. or #2 - This is a boundary that you simply cannot live with.

#1 involves you living with your husband viewing porn, and getting to a place where it doesn't bother you. #2 involves your husband NOT viewing porn and getting to a place where he is good with that.

If you go with #1 - talk to him about why he does it. It may set your mind at ease. (It also may not, so be prepared for that). Keep in mind that it is a symptom, not a cause. Porn will not necessarily make him cheat, but the factors that cause him to view porn may cause him to cheat, if his problem is dissatifaction with SF. If it's just recreation, then it may help relieve sexual anxiety he may have. See if there is some accomodation that the two of you could work out.

I know I will get some differing opinions on this, but here goes: You say he does it while you are at work. Does it bother you that it seems a secret from you? (Not too much of a secret since you know about it) Are you willing to watch it with him? Would you be ok with it if you knew he did it but did not have to deal with the evidence of it? Do you feel compared unfavorably to the people on the screen? Does he verbalize this? Would you beleive him if he said he doesn't compare them to you? Your post seemed to indicate that you think YOU should be the one to stimulate him. I'm throwing a lot out there, but this option has to do with YOU and what would make YOU comfortable.

If #2 - you need MC. He told you he would stop and did not. He seems to disregard your feelings on the matter. You MIGHT be able to bully him into a promise again, but it would likely drive it underground and you would have no faith in the promise. Keep in mind too, that for a marriage to be successful it has to be something you BOTH can live with. This means examining the underlying causes of his behavior and how to deal with those causes in a way which does not cause you pain. This would involve a lot of heavy lifting, which he may not be willing to do if he doesn't see this as a problem. (If this is a first marriage for him, he likely has been viewing for 15 years or more and doesn't see it as a problem at all). If he cares for you and respects you, he should be willing to do this for you, but I can't guarantee it. Strange as it may seem, your HUSBAND may set this as a boundary for HIM. I know, it's a stupid thing for a man to set a boundary on, but he may feel that you are trying to control him. Very immature, but there it is.

Good luck with this, let us know how it works out.

MG, you remind me of something that no one seems to address much on this issue. He could indeed have been doing it for 15 years - and seen nothing wrong with it. Our society is set up so that anything involved with it is like the Prohibition. People are always going to make or view or use it, but the 'official' take on it is that it is not to be discussed. Kind of like teenagers having sex. You know they do, but we pretend they don't. There are always going to be people who say sometbing is wrong, and people who DON'T think it is wrong, and do it.

What I'm trying to say is that, in many males' minds, viewing it, even using it to achieve something, is just part of being a guy. In many females' minds, it is dirty, sinful, corrupt, something to be ashamed of. It's kind of a crapshoot on which kind of partner you end up with, if you don't honestly discuss it before marriage. If you (a female) believe it's sinning, and you marry a guy who doesn't believe that, but believes it's just as normal as watching sports on tv (but that you, because of society, don't bring it out in the open), he may tell you in courtship that he agrees with you, but secretly wonders why you're being such a hard case about it.

So he may say he won't, to get you to marry him, but 2 or 5 or 10 years later, he misses it. So, like someone who's given up Saturday basketball games, decides to pick it up again because he misses it. The honeymoon phase is over, so he's not so keen on giving up things he likes just to please the W.

I'm just saying this so that the women who have a problem with it can possibly see that their Hs don't see the 'problem' the same way the women do. To the men, it's just a W exerting more control over them - nothing whatsoever to do with whether it's a good or bad thing to do - because it's what he's always done, and it's 'just part of being a dude.'

Does that make sense? If that's true, you'll never get him to stop just because you say so; it makes no sense to him that you have issues, that you think it means he doesn't like you as much or that you don't fulfill him. So if you want him to stop, you have to approach it by communication about what it does to you. Or, like MG said, see if YOU can come to understand that it is not taking away from his feelings for you and learn to not take it personally.

Of course, that doesn't work in cases of addiction. But lying about it? He's not doing anything any different than he did when his mom caught him stealing a cigarette and he promised he never would again. People lie when they get caught. UNLESS they are sure they won't get in trouble. Which is where communication, nonjudgmental communication comes in. "I" statements, not about him being bad or sinning or whatever, but about 'it makes me feel like you don't find me pretty any more' statements.

I was wondering how it was going. Were you able to talk to him about 1) how his behavior was hurting you and 2) why he was doing it?