I really need some advice. I have been married seven years (we have no children). I love my husband, but he is emotionally abusive and will push me or throw things when he's angry. We have been struggling for years with these issues and I have been trying to figure out what to do about our marriage. Recently, it has now escalated. My sister, who is learning disabled, has gotten into some serious trouble and is suicidal. I love my sister and need to help her - I couldn't live with myself if something happened to her and I did nothing. My husband and I discussed the issue and he agreed to let her live with us temporarily, but has now changed his mind. He has issued an ultimatum - if she comes to live with us he is going to move out. What should I do? Should I tell my sister she can't stay with us and try to help her outside of our home (and thus continue to figure out what to do about our marriage) - or should I just realize that my marriage is dying anyway, help my sister and let him do whatever he's going to do?

Hmmm. I think you should get some counseling. YOu sound codependent which may be why you have subjected yourself to an abuser and also why you feel your sister is your responsibility. I believe you are not a therapist or even a special education specialist-your sister sounds like she needs professional attention and perhaps you could help her by setting that up for her. If you are working, maybe you can pool money together with other family members to assist her in getting professional help. She is family, but if she is learning disabled (I don't know how serious) and suicidal, unless you're an expert on these things, the best thing for her is professional assistance.

As for your marriage, there is no reason no matter what why you would deserve the treatment you are getting. No way.

I wouldn't count on him moving out, it sounds like he's just issuing an empty threat. If he does, then what? You have to live in fear of him coming back. If you change the locks, he'll get more violent. No. You need protection and safety. Perhaps a women's shelter or a friend's home where he wouldn't know about. Or maybe if you have a decent job, you can just get a hotel for a while???

But, you don't have kids, so this makes the solution so much more clear. Get out while it's still just you. If this will ever be resolved between you two, it will be resolved thru counseling WHILE you are SEPARATED. That can be your ultimatum. If you don't stick to something like that, you will continue to be abused and it will get worse, not better. He hates himself and takes it out on you. Don't be the scapegoat or his whipping boy. GET OUT NOW AND DON'T LOOK BACK. If you really want to fix the marriage, get counseling for yourself first, then with him during your separation.

Good luck and keep us posted.

More info, please.

What do you mean, emotionally abusive...insults? What is happening when it occurs, and how do you react?

What was happening when he pushes, and how do you react? Pushing is wrong, of course, but I'm wondering in the scheme of things...is his way blocked and he's trying to leave or put space between you, or do you mean pushing you to make you do something, or what? Have you ever pushed at him?

Throwing things...do you mean like throwing the remote control to the other side of the couch, or like throwing a glass and it breaks? Are the items thrown at you, or away from you? What was happening/being said when he throws things? What does he do after throwing something?

You said your H initially agreed that your sister could stay temporarily with you. Did he say why he changed his mind?

Your H's poor behavior aside, per POJA (the Policy of Joint Agreement) - never do anything without the enthusiastic agreement of your spouse - while your H does not agree to your sister living there it's not a good idea. It stays on the negotiation table until you're successful. Review the following:

FOUR GUIDELINES FOR SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATION

What else is going on in the marriage? Good points? Bad points? You have our listening ears....

Hi There,
It sounds like your husband has anger issues that need to be addressed. Having your sister there with you both just may add to the stress that you are both already under. This atmosphere would not be a positive one for anybody.
Is your husband opposed to getting some help? Have you thought about counseling? I have been in an emotionally abusive marriage for 17 years now. It does not get better, you tend to slowly lose yourself in the midst. Get some help before this progresses.

Good Luck!
Fairymom42