Its been 10 years since my wife and I had the A. This should be way over... We should be recovered.. and i thought we were...

I only have bits and pieces that shes felt comfortable disclosing over the years... My gut would always tell me her story didn't add up with what I had in my journal.

The other night my wife and I were ... enjoying some drinks, got pretty drunk and she told me the truth about what really happened, not a revision, but almost a completely different story as to when it began.

In my story, I had assumed it didnt turn into a PA until i left town with my son. Now i find out what it turned into a PA... on our anniversary.... in a public park... in the backseat of my car.

Its been 10 years, I've tried the self-treatment... it hasn't worked. I/We need professional counseling. Anyone recommend a pro-marriage counselor in San Antonio to save me the foot work? Delean-de? anyone?

what a horrible creature your wife truly is for abusing your trust for the last ten years.
I believe that every single person that commits adultery should be hooked up to a polygraph machine.
I am sorry for the pain you are now going through because of your WW.

You know MEDC, I omitted alot of stuff to spin this in my favor. I owe it to my wife and MB to disclose the other details.

I am a liar... I was guilty as well of affair.

The difference is she found out about mine, 1-2 years ago.
I found out the truth about hers 2-3 days ago.

When I came clean about my Revenge Affair, I gave her the opportunity to finally clear the air.. to stop carrying all those bricks of guilt to get any other secrets out in the open and she passed up on it.

She claims shes blocked it all out, she can't remember. Big Kahuna thought my wife and I both desperately need some 2x4's applied.

I need 2x4s because I've been in denial about needing professional counseling. I also told my wife I want the whole story, in the order it happened. (Is this unreasonable?) I have all these tidbits out of order and I'm tired of puzzles...

I'm also going to refrain from advising or corresponding to any of my MB friends off of MB, because I am not recovered and I feel like a total hypocrite!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A self deluded, fool.

Your choices do not excuse hers and vise versa. I am only a few days out from D-day of a 4+ year affair (out of ten married). Don't think I haven't considered revenge.

You need to make peace with what you did. She needs to make peace with what she did. There are reasons. There are no excuses. Even in the state that I am in, I have faith that the ability for DH to admit it without being caught has to be a count in our favor.

Work hard. You will find your way.

This new Dday has wiped out the past ten years and made the affair brand new again. Recovery can happen again but will take years again.

RMX - I suggest you do phone counselling with Steve Harley. He's the best. Give him a call.

Joseph's Letter:

"To Whomever,

"I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened that night, and everything that happened afterwards. I understand. No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly. No one wants to be forced to "look" at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again. I can actually see, that through your eyes, you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that he/she doesn't mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesn't he/she know by now that I love him/her? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter I'm going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes.

"You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can effect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge. You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled. If you have any doubts, then at least you're carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or question. You carry all the "STUFF" to figure out OUR reality. There isn't really any information, or pieces to the puzzle that you don't have.

"Now let's enter my reality. Let's both agree that this affects our lives equally. The outcome no matter what it is well affect us both. Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to me as it is to you. So, why then is it okay for me to be left in the dark? Do I not deserve to know as much about the night that nearly destroyed our relationship as you do? Just like you, I am also able to discern the meaning of certain particulars and innuendoes of that night and just like you, I deserve to be given the opportunity to understand what nearly brought our relationship down. To assume that I can move forward and accept everything at face value is unrealistic and unless we stop thinking unrealistically I doubt our lives well ever "feel" complete. You have given me a puzzle. It is a 1000 piece puzzle and 400 random pieces are missing. You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box. You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you. You want me to be as comfortable with what I see in the picture as you are. When I ask if there was a tree in such and such area of the picture you tell me don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask whether there were any animals in my puzzle you say don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask if there was a lake in that big empty spot in my puzzle you say, what's the difference, it's not important. Then later when I'm expected to "understand" the picture in my puzzle you fail to understand my disorientation and confusion. You expect me to feel the same way about the picture as you do but deny me the same view as you. When I express this problem you feel compelled to admonish me for not understanding it, for not seeing it the way you see it. You wonder why I can't just accept whatever you chose to describe to me about the picture and then be able to feel the same way you feel about it.

"So, you want me to be okay with everything. You think you deserve to know and I deserve to wonder. You may honestly feel that the whole picture, everything that happened is insignificant because in your heart you know it was a mistake and wish it never happened. But how can I know that? Faith? Because you told me so? Would you have faith if the tables were turned? Don't you understand that I want to believe you completely? But how can I? I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart. I can only observe you actions, and what information I have acquired and slowly, over time rebuild my faith in your feelings. I truly wish it were easier.

"So, there it is, as best as I can put it. That is why I ask questions. That is where my need to know is derived from. And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward and unfair for you to accuse me of dwelling on the past. My need to know stems from my desire to hold our world together. It doesn't come from jealousy, it doesn't come from spitefulness, and it doesn't come from a desire to make you suffer. It comes from the fact that I love you. Why else would I put myself through this? Wouldn't it be easier for me to walk away? Wouldn't it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and to move on to better horizons? Of course it would, but I can't and the reason I can't is because I love you and that reason in itself makes all the difference in the world."

(end of Joseph's Letter)

Thanks for the letter, it states pretty much how I feel. honestly... Shes been on this site, even posted to people that are considering abortion for a OC... She does things that are not marriage minded, and I'm enabling her.

Myspace (I know you people think its evil and I agree to a certain extent)
She has her modeling pics on a seperate (single) profile.
She once called a guy up that messaged her sexually explicit material and she also gave him her cell phone#.

When she goes out with her friends or to do modeling, shes almost always late.. and she always has a good story of how A, B, and C happened that caused her to be late.
( I had to put my foot down on this one finally)

She went out with her girl friends to a male strip club and when she got home decided to look these dancers up on myspace and start adding them as friends, and sending comments. (I had to actually ask her to remove them)

She has a friend that is on the verge of a EA with one of the male dancers from that same club, and she doesn't want to get involved, but on the other hand wants to continue spending time with this friend and doesn't want to expose to her friends H who is overseas in the Air Force.
(Major Deja Vu here folks)

I am doing my best to be sweet and attentive when shes around, but I am so ANGRY/SAD right now that im on antidepressants, and I am doing my best not to scream at her when shes around.

and it DOES feel like a brand new affair, glad I don't still have that car because it would have had the backseat set on fire.

And since I am not a morning person, It looks like I would talking with Jennifer according to Lori. Just have to go over the budget with the wife to make sure I'm not using the car payment.

P.S. and yes I did expose to her friends H via a message, because my W failed the test of not wanting to do it herself.

I also didn't mention it but i was very upset when i found out about her friends EA because of the fact that she lets my wife read thier hot chats, tells my wife whenever shes going to the club (hint that she come along), and also the frequency of correspondence with her possible OM. This situation really inflamed our marriage because of the triggers.

My wife did do one phone call telling her friend that she was on shaky ground, but didn't have any interest in exposing or warning her friends H.

To top it off.... my wifes friend goes to this club 2-4 times a week now to see her favorite dancer

I can say i honestly tried to be ... i dont know what .. but i even took my wife there to see what it was all about..... I am not sure... whether I'll see my wife in the same light after seeing what male dancers are allowed to do to their female guests...

FWIW, many of we BS consider a revenge affair. I honestly think that in my darkest days immediately following d-day if the opportunity had presented itself, I would have, I am ashamed to admit, actually had one.

So, now you are back to the starting point. I understand how that feels because my FWH started towards another affair at the 3 1/2 year point and even tho it didn't go anywhere, it made us both realize that we were not recovered and were still vulnerable.

We tried the do-it-yourself approach rather than MC and it cost us years of wasted time floundering. We were able to recover in just a few short months of counseling with Jennifer.

I can not recommend the MB counselors highly enough. IMHO, infidelity does too much damage to a marriage to recover from with out professional assistance and guidance.

Who

Sounds like alot of hurt back and fourth. Has she even said sorry? Have you listened to her or half listened to her?

Are you going to find a MC? most importantly work on the trust rebuilding. If shes WAS out 10 yrs ago. You have only been out 2 yrs and now shes out again fresh because of things she didnt tell you.

ME...she wasnt the only one who did wrong in this relationship. She was a WS 10yrs ago. He was one just a few yrs ago. Doesnt make it right but shes not the only one wrong in this, I feel alot of things have to come out. For one reason or another they keep hurting each other.

RMX Im sure your wife didnt do this intentionally. She probally didnt want to deal with it anymore. Past is past deal with it for the first few months then move on. Even though you came clean of your affair she might still be hurting as well. Some just dont face it. While others go full force. Good luck.

>Sounds like alot of hurt back and fourth. Has she even >said sorry?

She has said sorry, but i don't remember her saying it. I am taking antidepressants to deal with this but I can't help but feel, that shes gotten another 8 years of my life, based on more deception. I get the feeling she just wants me to suck it up because shes tired of the guilt.

>Have you listened to her or half listened to her?
I'm always going to be improving this skill, but I always keep getting better!

>Are you going to find a MC? most importantly work on the >trust rebuilding. If shes WAS out 10 yrs ago. You have >only been out 2 yrs and now shes out again fresh because >of things she didnt tell you.

>ME...she wasnt the only one who did wrong in this >relationship. She was a WS 10yrs ago. He was one just a >few yrs ago. Doesnt make it right but shes not the >only .one .wrong in this, I feel alot of things have to >come out. For one reason or another they keep hurting each >other.

>RMX Im sure your wife didnt do this intentionally. She >probally didnt want to deal with it anymore. Past is past >deal with it for the first few months then move on. Even >though you came clean of your affair she might still be >hurting as well. Some just dont face it. While others go >full force. Good luck.

I will never know if she hid this from me intentionally, but im sure the Harleys could help me focus on something more constuctive other than "was it intentional" and maybe help me focus on "How can i have the marriage my family deserves"

If she is hurting, then she hasnt been open and honest with me when i ask her how she feels about it.