It's been almost 3 months to the day that I witnessed what I did. Is recovery harder for those that witness the A, to those that just find out. There are some pretty low lows, and some middles, but really no highs. When doe's recovery really start. I know she is sorry and very remorseful and willing to work things out, but sometimes I watch the way she carries herself and it makes me very uncomfortable. Yesterday was a great example, she definitely seemed different, it's hard to explain how, but I could tell, that gut feeling.

Ham,

Are you doing any Marriage Counseling?

Are you communicating with each other? MC can definitely help with the communication.

Is that huge elephant is still in the room with no one acknowledging it?

I must tell you also, that 3 months is just barely time enough for the gaping wound in your chest, where she tore your heart out, to begin to heal.

I think recovery starts much later, if ever.

There is recovery and then there is life as usual, as it was before and during. Going about your daily lives barely acknowledging each other.

Recovery to me is when each spouse is focusing 100% on each other, bending over backwards to show their love and commitment to each other.

Not living day to day just trying to cope, forget, or pretend it is all behind you.

When I read the threads in the recovery section I always seem to be thinking "this is not recovery, why are these people posting in the recovery section?"

So how was she different? Gut feelings are a good indicator that something is amiss.

Might be time to get in the snooping mode.

IMHO

kirk

We have not started councelling, when we do, it will be individual first. She still has a hard time communicating which makes me feel something is being held back. She seemed very irritated yesterday, and almost on edge. But when I ask if she wants to talk, she say's she's fine. I'm starting to think maybe I should start thinking only about myself for awhile and not care about her? I have no idea what I'm doing.

Being here, on MB is a great start. REad as much as you can about affairs, both on this website and elsewhere. REad as much as you can about what makes a strong marriage. His Needs, Her Needs is a good book as is After the Affair by Janis (or Janet) Adams-Spring and How can I Forgive you, by the same author. Both of you need to be committed to recovery. One person alone cannot do it. Counselling definitely helps, even if she won't go at first, start by yourself. If she sees you are committed to changing your marriage for the better, starting with yourself, she may change her mind.

You have to take care of yourself first, though. I agree with krusht, you cannot sweep it under the rug and pretend nothing happened. I did that with the first A and it poisoned our marriage to the point where FWH was vulnerable to A #2, followed by A#3. I also had a mini-EA just before FWH had A#2. Not acknowledging your hurt results in a breakdown of communication and lies and secrets being perpetuated. Don't do it.

The last 2 days have been pretty low. I'm getting sick and tired of hearing "I don't know why I did it, I wasn't thinking". Thats a bunch of BULL, you were thinking, thats why you were lying, to cover up your "Not Thinking". Also, I'm getting sick and tired of "I Don't Remember", thats more BULL, when is she going to stop with the DAMAGE PROTECTION crap.

From my experiences with my ex, this would a sure sign of resumed contact. Are you sure the A is over, and there is no contact??

AGG

I have no idea, she semms so sincere when she says "NO". I certainly hope not.

Hmmm, I was hoping to hear something more encouraging, like that she has written a No Contact letter, shares her e-mail and cell-phone with you, etc etc - all the things it takes to create recovery. Just pretending that the A never happened, without discussion or remorse, is not a good foundation for recovery.

Who was the affair partner? Can you verify that there is no contact? Have you discussed with her why she had the A?

AGG

One of my best friends, 15+yrs. I cannot verify because I work 12hr days. Yes we have talked about it, and she says "I Don't Know". Don't get me wrong, she definitely shows remorse, it's just,how do you trust someone after something like this.

Ham,

This is all normal stuff that we all have seen before. She is still in the affair.

He lives too close. You have to move. You need to insure the affair ends. You need to insure there is no contact between them. Affairs are like drugs. They NEED to see each other to get there next hit. When they don't see each other they go through withdrawal.

You need to read up on Plan A. You need to not Love Buster her. You need to get a plan and soon.

How can I not drop Love Busters when I am so angry, ashamed, humiliated and empty inside. All I can do is take her word for it,that it's over.

Ham

It's EXTREMELY difficult to control the LBs at times, but if you can focus on your goal....a recovered M....than you will realize yelling and screaming and name calling and such will only hurt your so delicate R. It's ok to explain to her how horrible you feel and the pain you are in, but do it in a civilized fashion. Control you. That's all you can do right now.

As far as verifying the end of the A, is there anything you can do? Check her phone bills, hire a PI to tail her for a night or two. Or have a friend do it? Worst comes to worst, have her take a polygraph. If she refuses to even think about it, then you have problems. If she is more than willing, you probably have your answer.

Ham,

What you are feeling is normal. And it sucks! I know! It isn't fair. It simply sucks!

But it is reality.

What do you want? What are you trying to accomplish?

Recover you or recover you and your relationship?

Do not trust her word. You do not trust an addict. You trust yourself.

At the moment, I'm trying to recover me. I need to be able to make the right decisions for the right reasons. I have noticed an inner strength coming to me that wasn't there before. I feel a little more confident about the way I'm feeling. I'm trying to be very civil but I know some things that I say are hurtful, I am only human and can take only so much. Wether or not we recover together is dormant for now, I must heal first.