Second marriage for both of us. I've had the dog for about 7 years, and for the most part, weren't any signs of "control issues" until we got married. I've 'given in" to the previous issues, but about a month ago, hubby said he can't stand the dog (even used the word jealous) because he follows me everywhere (small dog). I already changed dog's bed area and took him to obedience class. The ONLY current problem is doggy doesn't like 1/2 of other dogs and makes it loudly known when he sees them outside. We've been to counseling about this also as I haven't been able to find him a new home yet and hubby is totally intolerable of him, not wanting me to show dog any affection or give dog the time of day. I don't want to give the dog up, but at this point, feel it's not fair to him (dog) to keep him if I can't give him the love and attention I used to. A part of me is heartbroken, but hubby wants us to get a "together" dog. I told him if we got rid of my dog, I will not take care of another dog. I love dogs, I absolutely adore dogs, but I will not get rid of one to get another. I cannot believe the amt. of stress going on in 1 house over a man being jealous of a dog. Have any of you been in a similar situation?

I've been involved in greyhound adoption for about 7 years, and by default have been very interested in animal rescue as a whole. The fact that he married you knowing you had the dog and then after marriage decides you need to get rid of the dog speaks volumes about his personality. It is disturbing that he doesn't want "this" dog, but wants you to get rid of this dog (that you've had for 7 years) and go get another "together" dog.

Honestly, it sounds like he is jealous of the dog...a personal problem, if you ask me.

Do you have kids? (and if so, how does he feel about your kids?)

Adopting a dog, much like marriage, is a lifelong commitment. You didn't adopt the dog to keep until something better comes along or until you decide you don't want him. He's a living, breathing being who is entirely dependent upon you for everything, including love and security. Personally, I would have to wonder about a person who gives up an aging pet for a new spouse.

When I met my DH, his roommate (ex-wife lol) had cats. He was 'in love' with one of them. Kissed on it, wet sloppy kisses, wanted it in bed with him, showered it with affection. (And he has problems showing me affection!) I was really grossed out by that.

It really did make me jealous, especially when he was okay with the cats being in bed when I was there too!

I actually love cats, but I have had cats all my life and have simply had my fill of them. I loved them, but I didn't LOVE them if you know what I mean.

Can you get your DH to be specific? Which specific signs of affection/attention are driving him up a wall? Is he okay with the dog being in the home as long as he doesn't see it? What does he specifically feel he is missing out on?

Maybe by having some specifics, you two can find a way to keep the dog. Or perhaps adopt it to a friend that would let you visit? Or co-own it with another couple where you get it on certain days, etc?

There were many things I could have said in the 1st post, but tried to keep it short. My dog, though small, is seen as having had some alpha type characteristics (which hubby keeps referring to him as an alpha dog) but they have all subsided except his (dogs) dislike of other dogs. When terming the dog "alpha" was no longer rational (ie., hubby's 24 yr old daughter dropped candy and dog just sat there, not charging for it like he normally would have) he did say he's jealous of him....even says he knows it's odd, and our marital counselor even finds it strange that the dog "looking at hubby" can raise his bp thru the roof.

He has 3 older kids on their own and a younger child we have 30%, I have 1 in college who hubby did set "rules" for (no singing or playing his instrument as hubby finds that annoying but I am oblivious to it after years of it) or hogging tv (I'm fine w/ that one) and we got hubby a new chair because when my son sat on the 'old' chair it made hubby feel like he wasn't "king of the castle" so in addition to saying "not that chair" for son, we got hubby an add'l chair. We really didn't even have room for it but it's squished in there. Hubby needs to feel he's got 100% of my attention whenever we're together, even on trips w/ friends/family. My personal counselor tells me not to get rid of the dog, his counselor says I'm not considering his feelings if I don't and our joint counselor it's boggled by how this pooch can "offend" him to this degree by just "looking." Hubby says he is miserable and asks if I like seeing him this way (and acts it too). Why don't my feelings count? He does not see dog as being a "kid" like I do, he sees dogs as "a dog, just an animal..." Yes, there are things about his child that bother me tremendously, but she has enough issues/problems that I don't mention them to him.

Ooh, it would creep me out to have a dog staring at me too. I have a problem with animals in that they love me -- even the outdoor kind. They come near me, sniff me, lick my hand, try to sit on my lap, land on my head, do anything to get my attention. (I've had a Tippi Hedren moment.) Squirrels even launch themselves at our windows trying to get my attention. It's not always cute. It can really creep me out. (My DH thinks it's so funny.)

It sounds as if your DH has a strange/uneasy relationship with animals too. If he is an alpha man living with an alpha dog, yes, I can see how that would get on his nerves.

My DH is alpha male and has an alpha male friend. They can only be around each other about fifteen minutes at a time.

I do wonder if there was a way you could keep the dog 100% separate from your DH when DH is home?

The issues with territory and children are certainly multiple and complex.

Okay, my thinking is that this has nothing to do with the dog, but it is a control issue. Hubby wants to be "king of the castle" the point of having to have a new, bigger chair so your kid doesn't take away his position. He doesn't like anything taking your attention from him. He wants "100% of your attention". I'm sorry, but that's just wrong. You don't BELONG to him. He doesn't get to tell you how much of your attention must be focused on him.

There are plenty of ways to train the alpha out of a dog...just watch a few episodes of Cesar Milan's show and the basics are there in every one.

The problem here isn't the dog, it's your husband. If you ALLOW him to control you 100% of the time when you're together then you might as well just give him your personality and thought too, because it won't be long before you won't be allowed to have those either.

It's been over a month since my last post. Things have gotten worse and in front of marriage counselor has given ultimatum. Him or dog. Admits it's jealousy, but also portrays dog as "nasty, nasty little dog" which he's not. He also threatened that he if he gets angry enough, he will break his (dog's) neck.

Ok, I was raised very strict Baptist along the lines of "husband has the final say" but I've given up my youthgroup leader role, my college classes and now I am bawling over my dog. I do/would see a 2nd divorce as a major major failure which I could not face some people with, but does someone have some advice in regards to Biblically where the husband would not have the final say (there were also some serious financial disclosures I was not told about until after the marriage - his house was in foreclosure, his truck about to be repo'd and utilities not paid for months)? I do not see this is as a Biblical reason for a divorce but I cannot live like this.

You married a man with an abusive personality. The only issue you need to be addressing is whether he will go to counseling to learn to control it (not YOU!), or whether he's ready to be divorced. The dog is only one in a long line of 'proofs' he will demand of you that you are devoted to him. You've already said you've given up several other aspects of who you are, to try to please him and prove your love. Didn't work, did it? He's just gone on to the next in that long line of proofs - your dog. You NOT giving up the dog is what he will use to 'prove' to you that you don't love him enough, you are unworthy but he may 'allow' you to remain married to him even if you're defective. Recognize the pattern?

I urge you to read "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. You will recognize your husband in its pages. It will help you learn how to deal with him, if you're going to stay married.

And fwiw, I would urge you to read up on other religions' beliefs. You may have been raised Baptist, which I know is very inclusionary, but you don't have to STAY Baptist just because that's where your parents took you; there may be another out there with which you feel more kinship.

I just want to point out that the bible verse (Ephesians 5:24) about the wife submitting to the husband is followed by a much longer passage (Ephesians 5:25-33) that says the husband should love his wife as Jesus loved the church (i.e. he should be willing to sacrifice and even die for her). This is a two-way street here. It does not sound like your husband is doing his part if he is forcing you to give up things you love, so please do not feel you are wrong for feeling so miserable.

(I'm not very religious, so I have to give credit to the priest who married my husband and I for teaching me this.)

By the way, if my husband tried to make me choose between him and the dog, I'd choose the dog in a heartbeat. Unless he has major allergies, there is no way he could justify it to me. It's mean and manipulative to give you such an ultimatum.

Just have to add that another poster started a thread here about this very book I recommended. The thread is called 'why does he do that' and discusses how appropriate and helpful the book is.

Many, many years ago, my husband forced me to give up a cat...

I never got over it totally. The cat died in less than a year because its new owners wouldn't keep it inside 100% of the time like I was doing. It got hit by a car/ATV and had to be put down...

I suffer from guilt and anger over it to this day.

I suspect, as well, that your husband is controlling and abusive and probably subdued these characteristics sufficiently enough that they were masked during your courting/engagement.

Now he feels safe to be the real him...

I see this getting progressively worse, and you need to get educated on this issue NOW - not later after you're only a minuscule of the person you were.

Read up on everything you can on this topic - and learn to be okay with making mistakes now and then. God knows we all make mistakes. That doesn't mean you should have to live with it for the rest of your life.

Here are 2 letters posted by Dr. Harley, and his take on the situation:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5043_qa.html

Love me, love my pets. No man is worth the safety and welfare of your pets. Your pets need you to survive.

I agree, please do not get rid of your dog. You can guarantee there will be something else to follow that, he is a manipulator and bully.

This says it all

This guy has major anger issues! Anyone who can think like that is scary!!

You don't need permission from anyone to leave, you know within yourself this is not fair nor right to either you or your pet. If you or he leaves please take your pet somewhere safe before this is resolved, you can guarantee he will blame the DOG.

catperson nailed it. He's threatened to kill something you love. Is it because the dog is misbehaving? No. It's because you love the dog.

Here's what'll happen if you do get rid of your dog.
1. You'll be heartbroken, miserable, and guilty.
2. He'll move on to the next power struggle.
3. You'll be "softened up" and give in more quickly next time.

And I'm sorry, but needing a new chair because your son sat on his is just bizarre and extremely insulting to your son.

On a completely off topic note, neither your dog nor your husband are alphas. A true alpha has enough self worth not to need to threaten dogs walking by or your pet. Jealousy and being controlling are marks of insecurity, not leadership.

I'll urge you again to read "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Bancroft. There's a new thread over on Emotional Needs, I think, that strugglingless made, about reading that book, and how much it helped her. Reading it (got mine from the library) will help you recognize his manipulation so that you can deflect it and protect yourself - and your dog!

When I saw your saying "Love me love my pets" that caught my eye. I have had a small framed print w/ "Love me, Love my dog" on my desk for as long as I can remember.

Things have not gotten better, I did sign the pooch up for a rescue agency (mainly for his safety) but he hasn't been picked up yet. I thought I found a couple to adopt him, but he freaked out w/ anxiety of missing me (searching room to room). I'm pretty sure I have now decided I am not going to give him up - the story on the cat dieing and the anxiety issue he recently went thru (not to mention my bawling while he was gone) was more than I could handle.

Thank you for all your support....I will keep reading this thread each time I feel worn down. : )

{{{Bethy}}} Best of luck, hon.

Please consider reading the book I recommended. It's easy reading, and very informative. You don't have to subscribe to what it says, but I think everyone would benefit just knowing what goes on in some people's lives. But in your case, it might actually protect you.

And please read up about setting boundaries and protecting your right to do what you need/want to do.

Let us know how things are going!