I posted in Just Found Out, and I guess I should of really posted here.

I found out a year ago H was having an emotional affair, although they have been together, and met at motels. She lives in another state. Of course she may have moved to our state. This EA went on 6 months before I found out. My D day was 2/15/07. They are still in contact, almost daily. We are Christians. I never in a million years thought this would happen to me.

I have endured for a year, knowing what was going on, listening to all the horrible stuff he said about me, and how marrying me was the biggest mistake he had ever made. He told me he cheated on me many times before he became a Christian, just one night stands. This one came out of left field! Then he tells me it's under the blood of Jesus. I've repented and I've been forgiven. I asked him if this is so, why did you tell me now? Why did you tell me at all? I never get an answer. He does not answer me ever. I don't know what that is all about! Hearing him tell me he did not love me, just a lot of mean and ugly words. I've been able to endure because of God, he has given me the strength.

I'm read many of the articles and they have been helpful. H is still in contact with OW. "Sharing the love of Christ." Although he told me she was a Christian when I found out a year ago. So why the need to share? Just another excuse, and so many lies, and the lies continue.

H has now decided to stay married to me. H tells me he loves me. But he can not cut off contact with OW because she would be so hurt, she has been through so much. Last Tuesday he told he it was over with her, I check his cell phone on Thursday and he's been talking to her. So I say to him, "I guess it's not over, why bother to lie to me?" He just loses it and starts screaming at me. The next day he acts as though nothing has happened the night before.

I just don't understand his attitude. If I don't talk about it, it will all go away. Then I'm suppose to "just be happy he's here with me." H does not understand why I don't act like OW!!!! She does not question me, she does not get angry. "Of course I feel sorry for OW when she cries, she does not yell when she cries, you do." I've tried to explain she is OW, not wife.

I've read how it's like WH have been taken over by aliens or their in a fog. But it is just so hard for me to understand how in WH mind this is all my fault. How he feels he I should just be "grateful" he's still with me. How I should have to act "perfect." How he does not owe me an apology ever for mean things he says or what he's done and continues to do. WH even wanted me to apologize to OW. His reasoning, if I would of been been more attentive, and had more sex, then she would of never fell in love with him. He felt if I would have apologized to her, she would of felt conviction and "let him go."

Now, he says he's made the decision to stay, and he tells me he loves me, but he must continue contact with her because 1) he does not want to hurt her, she has gone through so much 2) he needs to continue to share the love of Jesus. My response, "Hello??? I guess I'm just a blow up doll, I don't have feelings, my heart isn't being broken and I'm just your door mat and I have not gone through anything this past year? Don't you understand that everytime you call her and listen to her tell you how wonderful you are, you are sticking a knife in my back and twisting it? And how can you believe Jesus would have you share his love after you've had cyber sex, spent the night with her at motels, and you listen to her daily tell you how wonderful you are, how much she loves you, how she can't live without you, and how she is dying inside because she can't sleep in your arms? How can you share the love of Jesus, when she knows you are "sneaking" calls to her? When you are lying to your wife? Would Jesus do that? How Godly is that? He never has a response. He just wants to know why I always have to make this all about me!!! Am I being to hard? I just want to slap some sense into him. When he tries to withdraw from OW, she calls his cell phone all weekend, and leaves messages, "Hi baby, I'm thinking about you, I miss you, I love you, talk to you soon." I take his cell phone when we are off together, just so he's not tempted to take her calls or to call her. I see all the messages, and listen to the messages, then I delete them. But as soon as I'm not around, the telephone contact starts all over again. And doesn't she sound like a woman that has just had her MM break it off with her?

He tells me he does not feel the same about her as she feels about him. He tells me I have nothing to worry about, when I tell him I can't take it any more, life is in a shambles, and it feels as thought my world is falling apart. Yet when he's angry, he's ready to walk out the door and be with her. He has no self control. This is a man that never would get angry, now it's like I say one wrong word and he goes off. He says she is like a pound puppy, and he just feels sorry for her. Yet like I said above, when he's angry he wants me gone, and he runs to her.

I just don't understand how H can think if we pretend this is not happening, it will all just go away! He does not understand that all the things he has told me about OW, how wonderful she is, "she's sweet, she's adorable." "She would sacrifice everything for me." This woman divorced her husband and quit her job, she was ready to leave her children and grandchildren to move here to be with him. I guess she would sacrifice her life for him.

I live in mass confusion and I'm constantly on the verge of throwing up! I guess my story sounds like so many.

I'm sorry for your pain, Always Hurting. It is easy to see why you are hurt and confused. Can you share what you have been doing during the past year since you discovered the affair? Have you exposed the affair to others, sought pastoral or marriage counseling, did he move out and is now back? Just trying to get a better idea of where you are beyond feeling sick.

AH,

Just shoot me now. I feel really bad for you because I know exactly how you feel and how lost you are right now. But let me just tell you this...........

Your husband is a lying, selfish entitlement filled, cake eating, fool! And he's acting like a fool meanwhile blaming it all on you. Girlfriend, you've got a lot of reading to do.

Please read up on plan A & plan B. Also read about "His needs, her needs" and "lovebusters". Also, stay here on GQII and read, read, read.

Although a weak marriage (if it even was) makes someone more vulnerable to an affiar, your H's affair is not your fault. It was a selfish choice that lies soley on his shoulders, not yours. Your H's affair is not ordained by God. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> You need to expose you're husband's affair. (Please read up on exposure here too.)

This site is where you'll learn that you're not alone, you're not crazy, and you can fix this marriage if you want to. This site shows you how to do that too. It'll show you where maybe you and your husband both went wrong, before the affair and how to never let something like this happen again. You may have been both responsible (or not) for the state of your marriage, but only he is responsible for the affair. This site can show you that and how to have a better marriage, in spite of the affair.

My heart goes out to you and I am sorry you are here.

I have a lot of homework to do, so if I can't post much, that's why. Just read, read, read.

I ditto Mopey.

You are in a very safe place where we are here to support and help you in ways you can't imagine. There is a wealth of information available to you and all you have to do is ask and keep asking until your questions are answered.

When you have read Plan A & B, I am betting an exposure at your church (assuming he attends) and/or the church of the OW will sting bigtime.

He is using religion is a marital weapon to manipulate, control and abuse you. There is actually a term for it: Spiritual Abuse. Right now, he has nothing to lose because he has steamrolled over you with his warped, WRONG religious viewpoints. (Unless there is a religion that advocates breaking marital vows and spiritually abusing their spouse?)

You are in a very tough situation. I would get to a pastor/father fast. And an independent counselor/therapist. What he is doing is wrong on so many levels.

In fact, I don't know if I would even Plan A if I were you. First determine, do you really want to be in this marriage? Only Plan A if you do. Otherwise, you may end up an emotional wreck as he takes advantage of your selflessness which is a big part of Plan A.

I really wish you the best.

Yes, Valentine is right. He is emotionally abusing you. Look up "gaslighting" threads in GQII and also look up the definition of it on Wikipedia.

You need to start setting "boundaries". You can learn about that here too.

Always,

If you believe for one minute that he spends the night with her in hotel rooms and this is "only" an emotional affair, then you need to reevaluate your listening skills.

Sorry for the 2X4, but the likelihood of this being only an EA is pretty slim.

Especially given the fact of his previous one-night stands.

He is gaslighting you.


I would expose this affair to every single person I could in my own life, and in OW's life as quickly as possible, and not give one second of notice to either of them.

He will be angry, but he is already angry. There will be no change there.

He is cake-eating, and it appears that your current situation allows him to do so perfectly well. His fantasy woman serves his fantasy needs, and you keep the home fires lit. The best of both worlds. One of those has to go, and I think after a year, reality needs to hammer home. Time to stand up for yourself. You used the word "doormat" - and I sensed that almost immediately. You basically stated that you knew of this affair for a year and have been putting up with the behavior for that long.

Long enough.

Call the Harleys - they can help you set into motion a very firm plan that will be very effective in setting those boundaries, and help you stand up for yourself.

He is a serial cheater, Always. This is a very tough problem, and you may end up not wanting to save the marriage, or you may not want to after the truth all comes out - the data on serial cheaters and recovery is not too good, just letting you know that in advance. It will be very hard work on his part to make that kind of change, and at this point, he is in an active affair.

SB

How is your monetary situation? Do you have health insurance? Sometimes we assume posters have the $$/coverage they need to get the help they need. If you do not, there are free resources.

~ A local college may offer free therapy as training for their psych students.
~ Pastor/accountability groups/marriage counseling through churches is usually low-cost or free
~ Look under human services and domestic aid in your phone book. These services can help you find free or low-cost counseling.
~ If you do have health insurance, try to get a reference to a counselor that has experience specifically with spiritual abuse.

I've seen some horrible relationships that were based on spiritual abuse. I would feel better if we read here soon that you are getting help from the outside.

If there is a risk at all that your husband might hit you, do NOT expose. Only you know his history with you. If he has cornered you, locked you in a room, etc., that shows he could cross the line to physical abuse.

I really will be praying for you. Please post again to let us know how you are.