Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 12
K
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
K
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 12
I had an affair with my fiance's best friend, I am truely sorry for it and very remorseful. I don't know how to talk to him, I'm afraid of saying the wrong things. I know this site is for the BS's, but can anyone help a WS who made a mistake and wants to fix it and make it better. Seriously, I really could use some help, and any advice would be more than appreciated, the more the better,for us.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Did you tell your fiance the truth?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 10,044
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 10,044
well, I do not mean to be insensitive to you...but since you are not married and you failed the "interview" in the most horrible way possible, I truly would hope that your fiance take control of his own happiness by ending his relationship with both you and his friend.

If your fiance has any self respect he will most likely send you packing and the best thing you could do is apologize and leave if that what he wants.

Last edited by mkeverydaycnt; 02/29/08 07:48 PM.
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 12
K
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
K
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 12
Yes..I told him the truth about everything. It was so hard but I need to be honest to him and myself and that's exactly what I did. I actually typed him and e-mail from the beginning to the end of the affair in detail.

Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 4,554
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 4,554
Quote:

well, I do not mean to be insensitive to you...but since you are not married and you failed the "interview" in the most horrible way possible, I truly would hope that your fiance take control of his own happiness by ending his relationship with both you and his friend.

If your fiance has any self respect he will most likely send you packing and the best thing you could do is apologize and leave if that what he wants.




I'd like to add that I'm one of those who chose to stay in a similar circumstance - only to go through an even worse experience with my wayward spouse 12 years into our M, when 2 children, joint property and the several years we invested in each other made it a lot more difficult to walk away. We're recovering now, I think, but I'm going to be haunted for a long time with the feeling that it was my decision years ago to NOT walk away when I got the "preview" that's led to me ending up in this situation that I find myself now.

So, even if your betrayed fiance doesn't have the strength to let go, perhaps you need to do it - and spare him from quite likely going through even worse misery again in the future with you.


ManInMotion
===========
(see "MiM's Story" for more details)
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
WS and BS this is the place to post.
Being honest and using an email was a good idea. Because it was how you were able to confess and gave BF the whole story.

Has the BS asked for any more info?
Is he still talking to you seeing you?

Recovery takes two years on average from an affair. If you had set a date then you postpone the wedding

Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 12
K
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
K
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 12
He hasn't asked me for anymore info...The e-mail said it all. We are still together..we are still living together..we have an 8 yr old disabled son also. It has been almost 3 months and every day is so different. The highs the lows..He always looks so sad and it makes me feel even that much worse. We have been trying to do things to make each other feel better, such as a romantic dinners at home with candles lit, sending text messages, always hugging and kissing each other. I just need some real good advice on how to talk to him to make him feel better and advice on how I can start earning his trust back.

Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986
This won't happen overnight. It takes a LONG time to recover from the betrayal of an affair. Because your OP was his best friend, he was served a double helping of pain. What you can do is to be completely open and honest with him about everything from here on out, you can be accountable for your time and actions, you can offer complete transparency (give him passwords to all emails, cell phone, etc).

Have you written a NC letter to the OP and let HIM send it? Are they still friends? As long as there is ANY contact with OP, you are back to square one. Read the articles here. You may even want to call the Harleys for some one-on-one counseling. Your fiance is in for a long journey of pain. Will he come here and post?


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 12
K
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
K
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 12
I know it won't happen overnight. I have not written an NC letter yet. They are no longer friends and there has been no contact with the OP from either I or him.
I gave him access to everything and have been completly honest about it all. My fiance is the one who actually told me about this site..he has posted a few things already and this site is really helping both of us.

Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 10,044
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 10,044
Since you two have a handicapped child together, I would suppose that the best thing is to try and stay together....I have a question for you...why would you do something so cruel and vile as to sleep with his best friend. I mean of all the people you could have picked to have sex with, you picked one your BF's best friend. That is just cruel. Do you harbor some hatred towards your fiance? Your choice of affair partner is not a mistake.....this was done in part to harm your fiance...the question is WHY?

Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986
Quote:

I know it won't happen overnight. I have not written an NC letter yet. They are no longer friends and there has been no contact with the OP from either I or him.
I gave him access to everything and have been completly honest about it all. My fiance is the one who actually told me about this site..he has posted a few things already and this site is really helping both of us.




How long has it been since NC? That's great that you're both posting here. MB is a God-send for most people. You made a huge mistake but if you stick with it, you guys can overcome this and have a marriage built on a strong foundation. But ONLY if you buckle down and learn and implement the tenants here, you can't go wrong.

But please... if you have any inkling of doubt about marrying your fiance, please do him a favor and end it now. Don't put him through this again 10 years down the road. That would be heartless and cruel.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 184
E
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 184
Quote:

Since you two have a handicapped child together, I would suppose that the best thing is to try and stay together....I have a question for you...why would you do something so cruel and vile as to sleep with his best friend. I mean of all the people you could have picked to have sex with, you picked one your BF's best friend. That is just cruel. Do you harbor some hatred towards your fiance? Your choice of affair partner is not a mistake.....this was done in part to harm your fiance...the question is WHY?




I'm certainly not defending her actions, and from reading HNHN, its very clear that a best friend is a very likely person to be the target of an A. That person was around a lot, filling some of her ENs and building up a balance in her Love Bank. Its the same reason why it happens with coworkers a lot. Just because they are around a lot and get to meet ENs without the pressures of dealing with everyday life. I'd guess she didn't just wake up one day and decide to have the A. I'd guess it built up over time.

Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 10,044
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 10,044
I think you are way off base. My best friends never filled the love bank of a loved one....and while I DO think an opposite sex friend of a WS is a likely target for an affair...I think having an affair with the best friend of the BS is a horrible and vile act that is partially intended to hurt the BS. I do agree that she didn't wake up one day and decide this...that it DID build up over time...which makes it premeditated and even more cruel. It is easy to see the damage that can be done in this type of situation. Would you use the same rational if she screwed his brother or father??? Same thing IMHO.

Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 12
K
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
K
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 12
NC has been since Dec.5,07.

Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 1,071
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 1,071
Get the book Surviving an Affair. Read it. Learn all that you can about what you've done and why. I don't know you. I can't begin to tell you whether or not your marriage will work. I do know that you hurt him and must make amends.

Read all you can here. If he's here too, great. Learn from your mistake. Fix what made it happen. Don't get married until you do.

Good luck.


BW 37 (Me).
F?WH 35.
06/97 Married.
Three sons...4, 5, and 7.
06/04 EA begins (Unknown to me).
02/10/05 D-Day EA (Unknown PA).
02/24/08 D-Day LTA 3+ YEARS! (same OW).


Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 184
E
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 184
Quote:

I think you are way off base. My best friends never filled the love bank of a loved one....and while I DO think an opposite sex friend of a WS is a likely target for an affair...I think having an affair with the best friend of the BS is a horrible and vile act that is partially intended to hurt the BS. I do agree that she didn't wake up one day and decide this...that it DID build up over time...which makes it premeditated and even more cruel. It is easy to see the damage that can be done in this type of situation. Would you use the same rational if she screwed his brother or father??? Same thing IMHO.




I'm just telling you how its described in HNHN and how I can see it as bein possible. I also don't think that necessarily makes it premeditated. I won't argue with you about the cruelty, though. Have you read HNHN? If not, what I'm saying may or may not be coming through to you in the way I intend.

Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,496
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,496
Kara

I'm familiar with your sitch. When you say NC, is it really NC? This OM lives very close to you, how are you going to keep from seeing him?

Also, what are you doing to protect your weaknesses so that this does not happen again? Is there an addiction involved? Why did you give yourself permission to do this?
You need to know so that you can prevent it from happening again.

Have you two filled out the EN questionnaire. If not, do it. Learn his ENs and start meeting them the best you can. Be open and honest about your A. Don't hold back to protect him. He needs to know ALL the answers to the questions he asks. If you hold on to the truth it'll eventually come back again and he will be devastated over the lies the next time. It'll make it that much harder to begin to trust you again. Get it all out NOW. I can't stress that enough.

Work on you. Be a better person. Be a person that any man would want for their spouse. Show him that you can change and that the changes can be permanent. Protect him. Protect your child's family.

This takes alot of time. It's not a sprint, but a long marathon. Tell him you will do whatever it takes to help him recover and to recover your R. And mean it.

Say you're sorry. Say it more than once. Say it instead of trying to defend your A (don't know that you have). It helps.


BW(me)
DDay EA 4/05
DDay PA 6/05
In recovery
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 53
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 53
I think that you are in the right place to get some advice. You need to look at the big picture and be able to answer the big questions. I think that if you read my post 7 years of trouble then you might get another example of how to deal. Let me know if this helps.


Engaged-1 yr.
Married-6 yrs.
Kids-4 and 6
W-3 yrs older
Young couple headed for 30.
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 12
K
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
K
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 12
Michelle
There really has been NC. I don't have the urge or want to have contact with the OP. I know he lives very close to us..I have seen his truck drive by a few times but I do not look inside to see him. There is no addiction involved..I started counseling a few weeks ago but I've been without insurance so I had to end it until my new isurance starts up in about a month. I have def. learned a lot about myself..the person that I never want to be again. I've actually started a part time job while my son is in school to help myself and us financially. Then I also work 3-4 evenings a week as a massage therapist. I know I need to learn how to open up to him...I'm trying really hard..but I have told him everything. I have been completly honest even about the sexual details that he asks me about. I'm still trying to figure out why I allowed it to happen. . I actually printed out the EN questionnaire and we are going to start that today. I know I need to work on me, and I have been. My BS has actually noticed some changes in me already. I am going to do everything and anything it takes to make this work..I love him soooo much and I can't imagine my life without him. K

Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,496
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,496
Kara

I'm sure this is painful to you on a different scale. And I applaud your trying to recover. Just be aware that it is a slow slow process. One day he will be ok, the next MINUTE he will be upset. It is normal. Unfortunately for the first 6 months, it's pretty much all the BS thinks about. They are consumed by it. So what he is thinking about is what he will talk about. He's not trying to rub it in your face. ok?

Great about the EN questionnaire. The more honest you can be with it, the better. If you both understand that you are not criticizing, just explaining YOUR NEEDS, you'll get the most benefit.

Kara, being betrayed by the one you love, IMO, is the most devastating thing that can happen to a person. I never would have thought the trauma would be so great. Try to understand his pain and be patient.


BW(me)
DDay EA 4/05
DDay PA 6/05
In recovery
Page 1 of 2 1 2

Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (1 invisible), 31 guests, and 58 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mwid, Shepherd, alg, Pelican89, SRL
71,672 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,526
Posts2,322,549
Members71,673
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5