Hello!
I got D'd last year, and I have been doing some dating...

I have gone out with some people that I have met, and I did sign up for one of the dating sites. The dating site is nice in the way you get to know a person by a lot of their answers, and then you move on and talk or whatever.

I have gone out with 3 men from the site (one of them 4 times, one of them, 2 times, and one I just went out with).
ALL of them were oozing the 'instant relationship vibe'... I know that I DO NOT want an instant R, I would want to take things nice and SLOW...
The one I went out with 4 times seemed really nice, until all of a sudden he was just assuming that we were together... but I had come to the conclusion that while he was nice, he was just not for me....

The next man that I dated was really nice too, a lot of fun, made me laugh a lot, we could talk on the phone for a long time, and it was nice. When we went out the first time, we had a lot of fun, and both of us did not seem to want the date to end, but since I had a sitter until a certain time, I had to go. Which was fine. Then he started to call me and text me NON STOP. We had planned a second date after the first one, and I went. It went well... I told him that I did not have time for a lot of calls and text messages (I was having to work a lot, plus with the kids..) and that I would not be able to talk for the next two days because of work (traveling out of town with other people I work with). He called me 5 times, and texted me a zillion times 'did I make you mad, why aren't you responding..." I finally texted him back that I had told him I was working and I would not be able to talk... he responded that he forgot.
The next day MORE text messages... so I had to break it off...

Now I just went on a date with the third guy. All went well... THEN he wanted to set up a second date, but he wanted to know if I was talking to any other guys, how did he DO, etc.... which turned me off.

So, is it that when a man finally signs up for a dating site, that he is in the 'desperate phase' ?

Just a thought...

Sadmo - I used to be one of those guys. After a good first date, I'd be naming our kids. I didn't realize how creepy it was until someone did it to me. From my own experience, it came from a lack of self-worth, so when I had a good date, in my mind she was always "the one." I suppose that could be equated to desperation, I'm just saying that I never saw it that way, and these guys probably don't see it that way, either.

I don't think signing up for a dating site as a man or a woman makes you desperate. It is as legitimate a way to meet someone as having grandma fix you up or going to the local watering hole. I think a better question for you might be "Why do I keep attracting desperate men?" If you're 3-3 in the type of guy you keep finding through the site, maybe its something about the type of traits that are attracting you?

Just a thought...

Well in the spirit of non-generalization (yes I just made that up <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />), I would imagine not all guys who decide to sign up for on-line dating are desperate, it just seems like the guys that you've dated so far are. 3 for 3 is not looking good, but there must be some on there who are not. You've just got to keep plugging along and weeding out.

The fact that you are not desperate and enforce your boundaries is very attractive to these guys and makes them want you more, which in turn feeds their desperation. Vicious cycle yes, but eventually like attracts like.

Your instincts are right on so far! That says alot about YOU and your emotional health right now. *golf claps* <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Very good observation EOTP......

Nope.

Just another thought - the common denominator in your experiences is not the dating site, but.. you. So perhaps it's time to examine how you pick these guys who turn out to be desperate, and adjust you picker accordingly <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

AGG

AGG-
LOL! There are actually TWO common denominators... me AND the dating site!

It is one of those ones that you fill out the big questionairre thing...

It is interesting though. What I liked about all of these guys initially was their easy going attitudes, and their ability to make me laugh. But I do NOT want an instant R, and in the past, before I was M'd a lot of time if I liked a guy I would have that instant R... and I think now that I did not think that was the best thing to do....

But, I have decided that I will not settle for anything less than what I really want. By settling, I mean that I do not want to just keep going out with a guy because he is nice, even if there is no chemistry... or if I just don't feel it... I am not going to work on making something be there if it isn't. I know what it is like when IT is there, and I want that again.

Thanks for your thoughts everyone... I will trudge on!

It might be an age factor too. I don't know how old these men are, but I find that men my age (45) are very lonely. If they have children, those kids are now busy with their own lives. If they don't have kids, they know time is running out. And they are realizing that whatever choices may have led to their being single, they now want to spend the last half of their lives with someone, not alone.

I've also had to fend off alot of "instant relationships". ONe thing I"ve done this time around is make it clear that I won't be marrying or living with anyone until my oldest two graduate in 3 years. They just don't want another man in our house, and I can't really blame them. They don't mind me dating, as long as he "goes home". I"ve found that space to be really helpful in evaluating dates and future partners.

Sadmo, I'd consider editing your profile. Consider taking out any reference to "relationship" and stress that you are independent. I'd also consider men that seem a little "reserved" "stuffy" etc on the phone. Go outside your comfort zone since your comfort zone seems to be needy men. And have you ever noticed that men who want the instant relationship can become control freaks?

Oh, and the other thing to consider is tempering your own personality, being a little more reserved. Men may be misreading you.

I'll attest to this. At 46, one of the roughest things about the divorce is knowing that it hurts my chances of being around for any kids I might have (I have none now) for a long time. Between having to meet the right person again and go through the courtship/marriage to the 9 months of pregnancy, I'm unlikely to be a dad before I'm 50 at the earliest. That's a bit depressing to me.

GG-
How can I be more reserved? SHOULD I be more reserved? I am not a "Oh yeah, here I am baby!" type of person... I consider myself fairly normal... I like conversation, I am inquisitive, I am interested in what people have to say... But I also look to see that they are interested in what I have to say.
I DO think that I want a R, not just an INSTANT one.

EOTP-
That would be hard...
I am at the other spectrum... I have my kids, I do not really want anymore, and a few people I meet WANT kids, and I am getting older, so it is not something I really want anymore. It works both ways....

Thanks for your inputs!

AGG, A man that I adopted as my dad when my dad died (maybe he adopted me) told me my "picker was tore up", we have laughed about that more times than one; considering where I'm from, but it has done me more good than anything I can think of so far --- and as far as I can tell "my picker is still tore up!!!" Good Guys!!!!

Sadmo, I'm just thinking of what possible unintended signals your profile sends. I think online there are certain code words that have different connotations in a dating site than in real life.

If you say you want a relationship in real life, your tone and body language can express that you want a relationship eventually. Online, I think people tend to read that as "I want a relationship RIGHT NOW!"

Well, if you stereotype that men who sign up for dating sites are desperate, then what does that make the women who sign up?

I think I'd stay away from trying to apply a stereotype and just decide if you like the guys you are meeting or not.

That's the whole point of dating, to meet lots of people and see if one of them is a keeper.

going 0 for 3 is not bad, it's a start.

GG- I see what you are saying. I did tell all of them when they asked if I wanted a R, that I DID, but I did not want to jump into one.

I just want to go out with people, get to know them, decide if I like them, in due time, not feel rushed...

EE- LOL! That is a good point... I just know some guys that would rather die than have to 'go on a dating site' so I kind of thought that maybe... I do not want to stereotype... that is why I was asking!
Yeah, it is a start...

Thanks for the thoughts!

I'm just curious which dating site you're using

e-harmony

I'll throw this in - MAYBE...they think that in order to get you or any nice women into bed they need to get into a quick R...so they press, give attention, do all that "they" think adds up to brownie points !!! All that crap just to get laid...sad...

I could be wrong but its possible.

You just need to learn how to put the brakes on and keep on till you want to move forward.

Sadmo, I think maybe it's the compatibility/matching program e-harmony uses. I'd try another site. Or if you can afford it, try a service that has a human being working with you and factoring in your feedback. My sister really liked It's Just Lunch, but it's really expensive.

GG-
Thanks, but I do not have the money for a more expensive site. AND, I am finding that I do not really have the time for dating either...
I got transferred at work, more hours, longer commute. My kids feel that I am 'always at work' (I FEEL that way too!) I have been spending a lot of my off time taking care of things that NEED to be taken care of (kids, pets, house, family stuff)... SO I am kind of backing off the dating thing for now.

I did have fun, I know that I can do it now, now I will fade back into 'sadmo-ville" and keep on going! LOL!

I agree GG.
Eharmony was running a special last month. Not that I am really looking because I am not. I still feel as though I have some hurts to deal with and that my "man picker" is off, but anyway, it was 3 months for 60.00 so I figured, what the heck.

Well, at first I got a bunch of matches but they were no one anywhere near me. I am not going to do LDR again, so they all got eliminated. I have not gotten a match in weeks now, literally weeks. One match that is from Vermont I am in open communication with but there is something very odd about him. He only communicates MAYBE once a week, says he is busy with work and has to travel a lot.... And trust me, the emails are very boring, only a few sentences, and a week in between. Personally, that is a red flag to me.

When this expires, I won't renew. I live in too isolated of an area to have any dating sites work for me I think.

I'll have to do it the old fashioned way, whatever that is.

And when I have time to do it!

mlhb