WS said sex was awful, but she kept having it, said she felt bad for him? What is up with that. Can someone elaborate!

Many women give sex to get affection. That's all I can think of.

Be glad that she didn't say it was the best sex she ever had.

My guess would be that even if the sex was awful, the other needs he was filling for her were high enough that she wanted to return the favor, so to speak, and meet his need for sexual fulfillment. It could also be that they weren't together enough or comfortable enough for her to really enjoy it. Many women have to have several encounters with a particular partner before being able to fully enjoy the sexual experience with them.

Whether she enjoyed it or not, it wasn't about sex for her, Ham. It rarely is for women.

It sounds like she is in damage control and telling you what you want to hear. It sounds like a bunch of BS to me.

agreed.

I have also had a hard time believing it. When she had come clean, she had said there was one time that as soon as she got there(OM Home)they had sex, then his brother showed up, and him and his brother blew some lines, then the brother left and they had sex again. How do you have sex two times with someone in a short period of time, if you don't like it. I have to admit, some things didn't add up. How do you have sex in general, if you don't like it??????

well...far be it for me to miminize an affair...but it sounds like you might have even bigger problems with your wife.

Does why matter? She gave herself to him.

Obligation, OM gave WW gift: drugs, WW gave return gift: SF.
How many times have you heard the story: Girl puts out justifying that the her date spent a lot of money on her, Guy feels he's owed SF because he just spent a lot of money on her.

Woman wants needs met, gives SF to get them.
Man wants SF, meets needs to get SF.

WW wanted an extra relationship, she could of been neglected
or was not. She took what she wanted regardless.

WW can be telling the truth, or lying to protect your feelings about the quality of the SF.

BS's want the truth. I remember along time ago shortly after Dday some WW told her BH that the OM always made her reach orgasm. He was a lot bigger. The OM would last one hour. The OM would do her multiple times every night they were together. The OM made her want to be very vocal and very loud.

She was here seeking help to console her BH and to recover their marriage. The truth she told her BH had left him so crushed, that seeing the effect the truth had on her BH left her just as crushed. She was here trying to learn how to do everything that she could do to help her BH recover. She learnt the difference between being honest and brutal a little to late.

Do not remember her posting here much longer after that.

Ham:

My brother had a funny line:

"There is NO bad sex. There is Great Sex, and good sex, but NO bad sex."

Believer and Exodus were pretty close to the mark. Women will give up the SF if they are getting the other EN's that they have met. So, even if she SAYS the SF was bad, OM was providing EN's #1, #2, and #3. And she liked getting that, so she gave up the SF.

Now. If your think she is being truthful in her other statements about what was going on during the Affair, then if she says the SF wasn't that good, then you can assume she is being honest.

However, you wouldn't be asking that question if you didn't think she was being truthful with you, would you?

1. She hurt you with the affair.
2. She hurt with the knowledge that she had SF with the OM.
3. She will hurt you EVEN more, to let you KNOW that the SF was better with OM.
4. It makes HER feel better, IF she says that it wasn't that good anyway.

So that leads us to her lying about what actually transpired.

You have to decide how much detail you want, and how important it is to you to have those details.

The movies will play in your head, and your imagination will be worse than the actual reality in many cases, but UNITL you KNOW, then the movies can be anything.

As much as your WW SHOULD reveal all, because you have the right to know, she can make that as difficult or easy as she wants. And there is really no way you can force her to do otherwise. You CAN, make it easier for her to be truthful with you. By allowing her to speak to you and to tell you the truth and you accept and make it safe for her to do so.

You may get the truth, and then decide to divorce her. Your choice.
You may NEVER get the truth, and then decide to divorce her, still your choice.

You get to make that decision. If you get the truth, it will probably be alot easier to stay married. It's a lot easier to forgive someone for acts that you KNOW about. Because then it can be in the past, and you can move forward. But you have to get the information, don't you?

Your WW WILL avoid telling you the truth if it is less painful for her to lie than it is to tell you the truth. So, you have to make it less painful to be honest.

That's tough to do. But as angry as you can get with the truth, the lies are worse.

LG

Ham,

My wife decided on Valentine's Day that she was going to "get some space and time to think about our relationship". She decided to take a spare bedroom in the other man's house.

During our big blowup (after I finally got undeniable proof) she told me that I wasn't meeting her needs. Little things I thought could go without saying. I now know how important that is to her now.

Apparently, the OM was laying it on pretty heavy, and she was eating it up. (still is for that matter). He knew all of the right things to say. He made her feel special enough for her to "give it up to him". She continues to tell me that they were friends with an EA and it evolved into a PA.

Anyways, like you, my friends around here (moved here 2yrs ago) are my wife's friends husbands/boyfriends, so I really don't have anyone around here to confide in since she spent D-Day spinning a wacky tale of how horrible I am.

I live only a couple exits west down the pike from you.

Good Luck,
Bob

Lousygolfer, that was amazing. You couln't have put it better, the hardest part was that he was one of my best friends, 15yrs +. Which truely makes it that much harder to deal with. I believe no one should know what our intimacy is like, except for X's. Now someone I thought I knew closely, does know. It's shameful to me and our relationship. I know I have choices to make that will be made once I feel everything I've been told is the truth. I have to account for a lot before I can pass judgement and make a choice. Thank you so much, anymore advice will be even more appreciated, if there is anymore. Thanks again.

THis identical post was posted by Karaskorner and Ham9tene72...what's up folks? Then one was quickly deleted.

Ham9tene72...are you posting as TWO different posters? Karaskorner and Ham9tene72????

Karaskorner is my WW, and Ham9tene72 is me, the BS. We both are on here looking for advice. She logged me off then she logged on, and I didn't know it. So when I posted my reply it was accidentaly through her account, sorry for the mix up, and I hope this isn't a problem.

No offense to the Mrs., but perhaps she needs to upgrade some of her "best friends". I would look for a female best friend who doesn't blow dope and stalk married women, just for starters.

thanks for clearing that up. It makes perfect sense now. So, let me ask you a question...why do you think your wife had an affir with your best friend. That seems very cruel to me and speaks to an anger she must have for you.

I also want to point out that IF you have ANY doubt about what you have been told by your wife, there is the option of having her take a polygraph. FTR, there has not been one time on this board where a WS has taken a polygraph where new details and truths have not emerged. Every single time the WS was shown to still be lying.

Ham and Kara,

Do not so easily dismiss the effects of drugs and alcohol on a person's behavior. I've witnessed people close to me who were the sweetest people you could ever meet (when they were sober) but as soon as they were under the influence of alcohol, they turned into violent, and emotionally abusive monsters. Of course alcohol or drugs can't excuse a person for his or her behavior but they are very powerful chemical compounds that have different levels of influence on different individuals.

Kara,

It sounds like you may have some personal issues that you would be wise to address and resolve through individual counseling. If you choose to ignore them, then there's a very good chance that you may end up becoming a tragic statistic. As far as the your marriage is concerned, you must accept that your credibility is shot and unless you become resolute and make a commitment to regain it through accountability of your actions and whereabouts, then you are just wasting everybody's time. This is the price you must pay for your betrayal and the conditions you must meet in order to save and rebuild your marriage. It's up to you to decide whether you are up to the challenge or not.

Ham,

While it is possible that Kara may be doing damage control as to why she had sex with your ex-best friend more than once, the truth is that there is always going to be people who are either sexually, emotionally or mentally better than us and in turn other people who are better than them and so on and so on. This also applies to Kara in that there will always going to be women who are going to be superior to her in many ways (faithful obviously being one of them). My present wife once reluctantly confided in me that she once had a lover who was the best as far as sex is concerned. She was worried about how I would react to this radical honesty revelation but I was not in the bit hazed by it because it was pointless for me to worry about something that I had absolutely no control over. But her revelation did motivate me not to sleep on my laurels and to always try to be a better husband and lover. She is with me for the total package not just for what is between my legs. If Kara is anything like my wife, then she is with you for the same reasons as mine is. Last but definitely not least, if you are serious about reconciling and rebuilding your marriage with Kara, hold your tongue when the two of you have an argument and you feel the overwhelming need to throw the affair in her face. If you can't then you might as well leave Kara and move on with your life

Please consider that a change of perspective can be a very powerful healing factor for your personal and marital recoveries.