I hate that I'm here asking this. I hate it more than I can ever describe. Many of you know me as We_Will_Survive. I've had to create a new username.

I've brought this topic up in some of my prior posts, but I'm hoping to get some insight from men in this position, or FWW in mine.

I'm not 100% sure that my H is the paternal father of my DD. My DD looks and acts like him, but that's not medical proof. He's not ready to take a paternity test. I'm not sure he ever will be. How do you fathers out there do it? How do you feel? What goes through your mind? What can I do for him? Any FWW out there in my shoes, I'd love to hear from you as well.

ILMH,

My youngest is a product of my wife's affair. I'm not in the same situation, because I knew from conception that this child was not mine. But there's never been a problem accepting or loving him---my wife's pregnancy was an opportunity to end the affair and save the marriage. To my eyes this child was a gift. He's 9 now---we've had it easy in that there has been virtually no contact from the OM over this time.

I'm not sure where you are in your marriage, but if the two of you are in recovery---you ought to do these things under the Policy of Joint Agreement, using the tools for safe and pleasant negotiation. If your husband has no need to do the paternity test---how can you two come up with a solution that makes you enthusiastic of this selection as well? It's not like it's a medical issue, at least until the child needs a kidney or something drastic like that. I assume that this is more of an issue for you. What do the two of you need to do together to satisfy the issue---in a way that works for you both?

If he loves the child and doesn't need a proof of DNA for that---it should be enough.

ILMH

Both my sister and I were adopted by our parents. We each came from a different family. We are both so greatful that our adoptive,(read real) parents took us into their hearts and gave us unconditional love.

There are some practical medical reasons for knowing paternity. Illnesses such as heart disease can run in families. My sister did manage to find her biological family and learned some valuable medical information that has helped her. My bio parents left no trace for me to follow so I don't know my genetic history. Aside from that it really doesn't matter. My Mom and Dad are my mom and dad and I would not have it any other way.

Build a strong, loving relationship with your husband. From that solid base I could imagine that you and your husband may jointly agree to check paternity out because it is in the best interests of your DD.

Again I am a 45 year old man and am still grateful every day that my Mom and Dad are my mom and dad and that they love me with all of their hearts.

Stalwart

Why doesn't your husband want to know?
What would he do if was not the father?

Do you need to know? Why?
What would you do if your BH is not the dad?

I don't know if he wants to know or not. He's told me that the idea of her not being his is what hurts the most. I've asked him if he wants to look into paternity and he says he doesn't want to think about it right now. I don't blame him for that. I also relayed to him what my doc told me. Until he's in a mental state where he knows that he will accept her as his daughter regardless of what a medical test says, then he needs to wait. . I don't know what he'd do if he wasn't her biological father, but I hate to think of how incredibly hurt he would be. I can't even imagine it. We don't need to know. I know enough about OM's medical history to know that from that standpoint, there are no real concerns. I don't know how I would cope if he wasn't the biological dad. I'm not sure that he'll ever want to check. Part of me wants to know, but I know that having the test done will either prove to have wonderful results, or devastating ones, but there's no in between.

And yes, the 2 men did know each other, we all worked together.

ILMH,

I'm not really in the same situation... but a simular situation... I got custody of my ex wifes son when we divorced. I'm not his biological father. However, I'm really the only father he's known since he was 18 months old.

The thing that really matters is if he loves her and treats her like a father should treat a daughter...

That's the only paternity test you really need.

JMHO

Thank you for your kind words. I'm so afraid of so many things. Will she ask who we think she looks like in 10 years and will that be a whole new trigger for him (even though it is in fact him that she looks like)? Will he hurt every time he sees her. Will he love her the same as he does his other children? How do I work to let go of this and how do I work to help him?

I can't remember how long ago the affair ended for you or when your d-day is but I think you should cut your husband a break.

It is YOU who seems to want to know right now. Why can't you let him come to that decision in his own time?

Surprisingly, I think K gave you great advice.

.I'm not giving my H a hard time or pushing him to do anything at all. NOTHING. Anything that we decide to or not to, do, we're going to do in his time, when he's ready, when he's comfortable. I'm on this forum working with you folks so that I have a release for my feelings and fears without holding him subject to listening to some things that may not be beneficial to him at this point in time.

I fully agree with K. I never said that I wanted a test done now, I said that I'm scared of the results not being what I'd want them to be.

Thanks for your time.

ILMH~

How old is your child? If there's any chance your H no longer wants to be responsible for her, should the DNA prove she isn't his, then time is of the essence if she's still very young. If that's the case, I'd try to encourage him to get the DNA done now, rather than later-- of course as K advises-- using POJA.

My H says DNA is not necessary for him. Says the results would be a moot point, because nothing will ever change the way he feels about our child. He couldn't love him any more if he was his biologically, and he couldn't love him any less if not his. Btw, we live under the assumption our ds is NOT his biologically. We're fairly certain.

What is your H's R like with your child? What does he actually say about the whole thing? In other words, have you ever asked him the same questions you asked here about potentially being the father of an oc, i.e. How does he do it? How does he feel? What goes through his mind? And... have you asked him what you can do for him?

I hate to see you filled with fear, and I think if you two really talked about it, and get to the heart of the matter-- at least you could limit some of your fear of the unknown. That's how it seems to me anyway.

Take good care. I feel for you....

Autumn Day -

Thank you for your post, it's nice to hear from someone thats in a similar situation.

My DD will be 2 at the end of this month. No, I don't believe that there's any chance that my H wouldn't want to be responsible for her.And I think the same may apply to my H. The results not changing how he feels. I guess I just need to express my fears somewhere! I'm fairly certain that my DD is my H's. She looks like him, walks like him, but there is that small bit of doubt.

My H honestly doesn't say ANYTHING about it at all now. He's involved in a 12 step program and I know that he's been using a lot of their principals to work out some of his issues. He goes through moments where I know he's troubled, but he generally moves past them fairly quickly. I always ask what he's thinking and let him know that I'm here for anything he needs. I remind him how much the kids and I love him and that we want no one but him, need no one but him.

When I brought up the fact that the doctor said before any paternity tests were taken, he would need to be in a mindset that she's his no matter what, he said he doesn't want to get into that right now. It's been left at that and that was about 2 months ago. I'm waiting for him to bring the issue up. He tells her loves her, doesn't treat her any differently than our other D, cuddles and snuggles, plays and all that....

Any suggestions?

ILMH,

Never even been close to your situation, but from what you have read, my suggestion is to love your H and your kids just as you have been. Make sure he knows you love him and respect him. The best thing you can do for any/all of your children is have a good marriage with your H.

Let him decide when/if he ever really wants to know. Let him know you are frightened but willing to do the tests if/when he decides he wants to.

It seems to me the odd thing is you don't trust your H, and perhaps it is time you did.

God Bless,

JL

JL - What do you mean when you say that I don't trust my H? I trust him fully. Being scared of something, having fears, that doesn't = distrust, INHO

Autumn Day -
Quick question, does the OM ever try to see your child? In my situation, I know that it wouldn't happen, that he wouldn't want to see her. But, I'm curious how other families in the same situation are operating.

Never.

Last contact with him was shortly after I told him I was P. For all I know he might not have believed me. As far as I know, he doesn't even know I ever gave birth. Though, I do get paranoid from time to time-- worried that he might drive by my house, and could see signs of a child like toys, strollers, etc, or worse-- a glimpse of ds. I used to jump every time the door bell rang, and every time someone drove slowly by the house. I've gotten better with time, but I'm still very careful to keep the garage closed, and toys and bikes, etc in the back yard only.

Does your xom know you were P w/ possible oc? If you were to find out your child is an oc, do you plan to tell him? Why do you think he wouldn't try to see her? I mean, if that's true-- it's GREAT, but I'm just wondering how you're so sure?

Yes. The XOM, my H and I, all worked together. When DD was born, OM actually sent a text to my H congratulating him. OM and I never planned to reveal the A. My DD looks like my H, so it was very easy to do that.

At this point, no I would not tell OM if DD was biologically is. There was a time that I would have, but that was before I disclosed the A. The OM and I only continued talking as long as we did because I was a fool. I felt that I had no one else to talk to about what was going on and needed someone. Long after the PA ended, we still spoke because I was an emotional disaster, which I suppose means that we were still in an EA, just not the way I initially thought one was carried out.

XOM has seen her. She'd been to my office, he'd seen her there, outside of there, no. I never wanted him to have a relationship with her or anything of the sort. XOM is married and has 2 children of his own. I learned, when I confessed to my H, that this is something that OM does regularly, with a lot of the younger girls at work. I wasn't aware of this. Like I said, I was a fool. I know that he would never want to have a relationship with DD. If his W were to find out, that would be the end of him. I've not disclosed to her and I have no plans to do that. There are times that the Harleys do not recommend this. So, I am 100% sure that he would never want anything to do with her.

Emotionally, how did you and your H manage? How did you get through the pain? Do you plan to tell your child that your H is not his biological father?

Oddly enough, my H for all appearances has managed to cope with it all better than I have. I-- to this day, (though it's gotten better w/ time), still struggle with the knowledge of what I did. In fact, even though I saw your question this morning, I couldn't answer right away, and had pretty much decided not to answer at all-- because even just coming to MB, but most especially talking about my situation, causes a lump in my throat, and a knot in my stomach as it did in the early days. Like I said previously, I feel for you, and as such, couldn't ignore your question.

Anyway, When I talk to H about the past, he's almost annoyed that I still give it even one thought. He'll say, "I've moved past it, life is good, why can't you see that, and move past it too?"

I believe my H is an exception to the rule when it comes to BS's. I don't know that I've read of another quite like him on these boards, except for K.

It takes very little to please my H, and I don't mean because he's not a deep person or whatever, quite the contrary actually, but he's always said, all he's ever wanted from me is for me to be happy in life, and happy to be his wife. When he started seeing this from me, after dday, he said it was the easiest, most natural thing in the world to not only accept me back with open arms, but also my child. (actually, he didn't even wait to see if I made any major changes to say he wanted me and my child, he waited all of 12 hrs after dday to say it, but I had been out of the A and had NC for a couple months at that point, so he already saw attitude changes from me as he said). He says it's an honor to raise oc as his own, and feels truly blessed to have him in his life. Stranger than fiction, I know. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Ok, I admit-- ALL of the above is made incredibly much easier by the fact the om is a NON factor in our lives, but I believe beyond the shadow of a doubt, even if om was involved in oc's life, H's love for oc wouldn't change. It would just make life A LOT more challenging, to say the very least! om's selfish, bastardly, cowardice was the greatest gift he could've ever given us. I thank God daily that om didn't attempt to be a 'stand up guy/father'.

Re. telling oc. I think he should be told someday, because I think the truth always comes out, and I'd rather it come from us. To date, my H completely disagrees with me, and doesn't want oc to ever be told. I have gotten him to kinda sorta agree to a type of compromise though. Nothing is written in stone in any direction yet.

I would really try not to worry about things ILMH, since you're pretty sure your child is your H's. You're lucky.

One question though. You said:

Are you saying you think you could've pulled off not telling your H about the A because your child ended up looking like your H? If that's the case, and you had waited till after the birth to see this, would you have ever told your H of the A? Or are you saying, the fact dd DOES look like H, is why you found it easy to reveal the A-- knowing you didn't have to deliver a double whammy? Oooops, I was way off-- that was 3 questions. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Forgive me if I shouldn't have tied your 2 sentences together.

Your H and mine sound very similar. My H told me within 6-7 hours of my confessing the A, that we would work things out, that he loved me. He was angry, he was hurt, but he told me he loved me despite what I'd done.

What I meant when I said that the OM and I never planned to reveal the A and that DD looks like H made it easier, was that because she looks like H, I didn't think H would ever question my faithfulness. I told my H because I wanted a "clean" marriage. I wanted us to be open and honest and didn't want to continue to lie to this person that means the world to me.

My H and I haven't discussed much regarding DD. Every once in awhile he makes reference to things about her that look like him, but it's very rare and when he does, my heart melts. They have the same walk, he commented one day while we were walking behind her, "Do I really walk like that?" he had red hair as a child, hers is strawberry blonde like his sister. In my heart, I feel that she is his biologically, but like so many have said to me, he's performing the biggest job of all, he's already her father just by being her father. Does that make sense.

I'm in the same boat as you. Your first sentence is EXACTLY how I feel. I almost feel like he copes better than I do and I'm not sure how that happens. I'm glad you answered my question. Thank you for doing this. I know it's hard, but knowing that there's someone else out there that's going through or has gone through, the same thing as me, it makes me breathe just a little easier. I'd like to keep in touch.

May I ask, how old is your child? I'm afraid I don't recall....

5 this year.

Have you gone through M counseling at all?

Your H sounds like a very good man. You're blessed.

No, we've not gone through MC yet. My H doesn't feel that it's necessary right now. I have to back him up on that. We're each doing our own IC though. My H is an amazing man, I truly am blessed.