... why do I still want to leave? My DH has had multiple EAs with so-called just friends in the 9 months we've been married. These relationships included romantic texts, voice mails, emails. Romantic nicknames for each other. No boundaries at all on their conversations (except in front of me of course; I'm a fool.) DH even emailed an old lover when he got his vasectomy! It's all detailed my threads.

At this point DH has agreed to a letter I wrote stating what I need him to change or I was going to divorce him. The vast majority of our problems have stemmed from my distrust over being duped over and over again about his 'just friends.'

Most are gone. Now he has got one left, best female friend T. I think she has to go. I don't how to bring this up to him. But I'm still thinking of divorce big time. Even after he agreed to my terms. She's calling a lot now that she senses a change coming in their relationship. (DH has told me he knows the difference between platonic and borderline-PA now, but who knows. He is the kind of guy that tells one person one story, and the other person a different story.)

The bottom line is I don't trust him not to dupe me or hurt me anymore. I did agree with him that I could not trust him. He thought because of that we should divorce. I did agree if he felt that way we should because my trust could only be built over time. But he didn't want a divorce, you see. He wanted a free pass. He wanted me to say, "Sure, I trwust you lovey honey."

Do you agree that his last borderline-PA friend has to go? She calls him Sugar Bear. She calls him anytime of day or night. She leaves 'enticing' voice mails. She sends romantic text messages. (And he sent one to her on 2/19.)

I guess I am willing to get a divorce because I am willing to risk bringing it up again.

But it doesn't end there! He will be switching shifts soon and might be right back with his ex-lover. If that happens, it's hard enough having a hubby on nights. I don't know how we'd survive it.

He agreed to my terms; why do I feel like I'm still on the brink of divorce?

[Added]

I am very unhappy in this relationship because of things that happened in the past. I don't know how to get to a point where I can be happy with my DH in the changes he is making. I want to know how you get from unhappy to happy.

because of this:

M 5/07 My first, his third

Pepperband, I know that looks yucky, but his first marriage was when he was a teen, and it was annulled quickly. He was in second for ten plus years.

I was in two different five-year engaged/domestic partner relationships before I met my husband. So our life experience is actually similar. But it does look yucky like that. I just didn't know how to fit it all in.

and this -

"My DH has had multiple EAs with so-called just friends in the 9 months we've been married."

well...in addition to his spotty relationship history...there is the fact that you have been married less than a year and are dealing with affairs and a lack of protection from your husband.

I guess what I added is my real problem: "I am very unhappy in this relationship because of things that happened in the past. I don't know how to get to a point where I can be happy with my DH in the changes he is making. I want to know how you get from unhappy to happy."

I don't know how to get from here to happy. There has got to be a way. I am taking care of myself in the meantime. I just want to get my head out of the divorce frame of mind.

Then is it better just to divorce him? I am at the point emotionally where I can.

I feel like ruining his day. Texting, "T. has got to go too." But he would freak. It's actually kind of dangerous to do that because he works in a factory. His mom assures me they are like brother/sister. But she assures me a little too desperately, if you know what I mean?

And I don't get this vibe. One of his emails to her -- before he met me, he had it in old sent -- said, "I'm going to go j*** off now." So I seriously doubt that is a brother/sister relationship.

He hasn't seen her (in person) in over a year. I'm getting nervous because she's moved a little closer. Left a VM threatening to drop in. He plans (for us) to go to a party at her place in April.

Valentinespice.....

Are you in counseling??? What about with the Harley's?????
Sorry I don't know much about your sitch....

You want to leave because you wonder if the work it will take is worth it....and because of this "friend".....which, NO your H does NOT know the difference betweed "just friends" and A's.

I'm sorry you feel this way....keep posting.....

not2fun

simply put...your H should NOT have female friends.

I have been triggering a lot lately. The person that called him 2/20 about lay-offs was his ex-lover. She had stopped calling him in the summer "because he got married." This was right before our court date regarding a big financial deal. He asked her to call back again.

We had words -- several -- over that one. He justified it, "It was regarding work," I was just, no, all I can see is your ex-lover is back in your life. He, "I didn't even know what you were talking about, ex-lover!" (Six years ago, his exit affair, he got royal teasing at work because she was heavy -- but he did it once, he could do it again.)

Then when he's insecure and/or angry with me, he calls his best female friend T. (That ought to be my title by now, right?) So she is triggering me all over the place. He started the texting/calling on 2/19-2/24. On 2/25, admits he knows what I was talking about the differences between platonic and borderline affair.

So he hasn't been calling her back. So she is getting desperate. I can tell by her messages, she feels a change coming.

2/28 was my divorce request day. Make these changes, or I am done.

He agreed to change! Now what?

We are not in counseling. I know that I need to be in IC at the very list. DH is fasinated with the show "In Treatment," but is still against, won't read the MB books I bought, won't fill out questionnaires.

I sent him a modified text, "I am not going to T.'s party. After all the ways I was duped about your friends, you need to make sure we never meet. U need to fine with that. TY."

I guess that says it all. One complaint my DH made is that he believes the mistake he made at the beginning of our relationship -- turning to his ex-wife with our secrets -- will always be thrown in his face. However, since the exposure in front of his mom in February, I haven't said much about that incident. Other than, "I need to forgive you." He is sorry about that one. Actually, I think he is sorry all around.

It's just that I've got these leftover triggers.

V,

My WH has had had inappropriate friendships with females our entire relationship. Even though he doesn't believe so, it caused great trust problems in our M. I never trusted him one bit. There were 7 'friends' in total I didn't approve of.

If your H has a long history of this, it probably won't change. Just like mine never did for me. You are lucky enought to have the guts to say you want out. I didn't say that, I just lived with the pain until my WH decided he wanted out.

If I were you, I'd get out. Just my 2 cents.

I think what I'll do is start a file before he deletes out his email box. The email where he was setting up a date with a woman the morning after the first time he and I were intimate (that was flattering -- but never took place as far as I know.)

The jerk-off email. The emails where he is complimenting his various just friends on how good they look, etc., etc. Too bad I didn't copy his text messages. However, that really is all pie-throwing stuff.

My behavior wasn't perfect. He worked nights for a while. It was awful. Neither of us got any sleep, our sex life blew up, I was alone most of the time, he was grouchy on his days off. I started going to a local Applebee's and hanging out with the regulars. Old guys, married couples. I only went a total of four times.

But one night a couple of months ago, my husband had 'taken care of himself' before coming to bed. I wanted sex. He said he couldn't because of that. I blew up. I took off, went to the Applebee's, was fuming. (At this point in our relationship, I was definitely not getting enough sex. And to have him do that was just too much.) One of the old geezer's started talking to me.

He let me stay in his business lounge that night. (the patrons indicated he was trustworthy.) Nothing happened other than he tried to rub my feet after I took my boots off, and I said, "When I told you I wasn't a cheater, I meant it." We didn't speak after that. (We had barely spoken before; I wondered why he let me stay. Guess he thought I might change my mind?)

At some point, H started texting me, but it was so late (early in the morning,) that the other guy had fallen asleep -- and he'd driven. So I was stuck till about seven.

(Our relationship had been VERY rocky after the series of revelations about women in my DH's life. Also, we had a big financial blow-up -- and the frequent threats of divorce from my DH.)

I got home. It was a big scene when DH got home from work. But we made up. He throws this up at me sometimes too. In fact, quite a bit. But he knows I didn't sleep with the guy. Why? Because I would not have been able to come back to DH if I had. Because I had enough love to feel too guilty to do that. But that was my one big bad -- very reactionary.

I can only think that I did it because I wanted DH to hurt like I hurt. (I was also on a strange new med that was giving me bad dreams and causing pain, so I do believe 50% of this was the medication I had started taking, but I don't use that as an excuse with DH.)

Other than that? I can't think of anything.

It sounds like both you and your H are VERY immature and that your marriage is a disaster because neither one of you is ready for that level of commitment. Sorry to be so blunt about it..but your story about leaving to go to Applebees because your H wasn't able to have sex ...well, that just sounds ridiculous. Frankly, IMHO, you also had an affair that night.

Divorce and counseling before EVER entering into another relationship seems in order.

by setting high standards for yourself - and living with a greater purpose in mind than "being happy"

You are right on the first part. In fact, my behavior until that night was always good. I was so proud to be married, I bragged about it. No one hit on me. I'd have coffee or iced tea...

... but I realized after that night that I was being immature. That that was a totatlly inappropriate way for a married woman to make friends. I've never gone again. I didn't promise husband; he didn't make me. I just don't go.

(I relocated to live with my DH. Have zero friends here. Have worked at making friends; still nothing.)

I swear on a bible no affair happened. He was very old and overweight. We stayed a business not a home. I also gave my DH his business card to verify, but I wasn't surprised he turned me down. I could also at any point take him to meet the regulars who would confirm my side.

I regret that -- it was simply me being too cheap to get a hotel room! But even a hotel room looks so bad. I wanted me DH to ask me to come home. You see, when I left, he said, "Maybe it's for the better," so I didn't feel like I could come home.

Foolish.

It is my belief that leaving your home...going to a bar and then spending the night with another man...even if there was no sex..is indeed an affair.

If it was, then it was for revenge. But there was no physical contact other than he tried to touch my feet. Not much verbal communication. He knew I was upset, didn't want a talk, he put a movie in the lounge tv then left the room. He acted like a dad.

I do regret not stopping that medication right away. It was giving me so much pain, so many nightmares. I think it was why I flew off the handle. I have given my word to my DH that I would not leave the house during a fight again. It hasn't been long, but I haven't.

But we still have a whole mess of problems. Like I said, that was the only thing I've done. I'm not on the phone 2-3 times a day with ex-lovers etc.

I stay at home. Work at home. Clean the house. Buy groceries. Do things with DH on his days off. Mundane stuff.

Do you have questions about any of the MB concepts ?

Yes, if you are in Plan A with a controlling person, how do you set boundaries so that they don't just take advantage, demand more and more? I have seen on this board I am not the only woman to have run into this problem.

Also, based on the MB principles, how do you actually determine if your marriage is worth saving? Do you have to go to Plan B to find out?

How do you deal with recovery where one partner agrees to the recovery plan but the other starts to get cold feet?