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Mel, you wrote: Like I said before, emotional agony was not intended to be a way of life. not wanting to threadjack - this sort of situation seems to me to be very similar dynamics to a woman who stays in an abusive realationship - she goes to the woman's shelter - stays there a little while - and then retuns to the abusive husband when he SAYS he is sorry and when he SAYS he is willing to change - and the cycle seems endless until the woman herself becomes a healthier human being Mel - some people prefer to live in a cycle of chronic abuse/make up/break up - rather than face the unknown (which requires changing themself) - if there is one thing AlAnon has taught me, it is to recognize when someone I care about decides they will continues down the same path of emotional agony .... no amount of voicing MY opinion is ever enoughI can remove myself as a witness I can offer my helping hand/heart when/if they do step out of the emotionally abusive cycle and sometimes, I have to look away - a person with a lifestyle of emotional agony - is just too painful for me to watch <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I am learning to "draw my circle small" per Mother Teresa Mel - if you find yourself becoming angry or frustrated when dealing with such a person - it means you are over invested and it is time to 12 step (away) - you're welcome <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
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and Mel
one of the skills I am currently working on is discernment - who is 'ready' and who is not ready
I am still finding ways of developing this skill of discernment
any thoughts?
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Mel - some people prefer to live in a cycle of chronic abuse/make up/break up - rather than face the unknown (which requires changing themself) Amen, agree 200%. And I know this but still I sometimes forget that, as adults, we all the right to choose our lots in life. As such, it is our right to choose to be abused if that is our preference. Thanks for the reminder, friend. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Mel<---12 stepping away <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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the quality of being able to grasp and comprehend what is obscure
discernment - a very valuable trait I need to develop
*add* Mel - I am asking for you input/thoughts/musings about this - I think you may have something you can teach me
Last edited by Pepperband; 03/02/08 11:19 AM.
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and Mel
one of the skills I am currently working on is discernment - who is 'ready' and who is not ready
I am still finding ways of developing this skill of discernment
any thoughts? I think that most people who come here are not ready at first, don't you? The hard part for me is discerning who is serious about making change and who is not. It can take some time to make that discernment for me. But, no, I don't know who is and who is not serious about making changes, but I still try at first. Once I think I am good at it, I find out I am wrong. I guess it can't be an exact science. We had a woman recently who took FOREVER to even confront her H with the fact that she knew of his affair. I thought for sure she was avoiding conflict. I gave her a little push, and lo and behold, she moved forward like the fast train! She was scared, but more than that, she was METHODICAL. So methodical that she had to very carefully lay out every ASPECT of her plan. Now, at first glance that looked like conflict avoiding, but in hindsight, she is the kind of person that has to carefully lay out EVERY ASPECT of her plan in order to move forward. So, no I guess I don't know how best to discern. I do know, however, that I hang on too long sometimes, in frustration, and that helps no one and just leaves me ............ frustrated.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I will share one of my discernment failures -
Lunamare - I gave up on her because I thought she would never change - but WOW ! did she ever prove me wrong !
This is how I know I don't know - a very valuable lesson via Luna
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I think that most people who come here are not ready at first, don't you? The hard part for me is discerning who is serious about making change and who is not. It can take some time to make that discernment for me. yeah, I agree one thing I look for is a person like LilSis - someone who takes the time to ask questions about MB methodology and makes sure she understands what MB is all about one thing that makes me go "Hmmmmm?" - is when, after say a month of posting, there is next to zero questions about forming a plan ....
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one thing I look for is a person like LilSis - someone who takes the time to ask questions about MB methodology and makes sure she understands what MB is all about
one thing that makes me go "Hmmmmm?" - is when, after say a month of posting, there is next to zero questions about forming a plan .... Agree. When someone does not ask questions it concerns me greatly. Because, while we can give them a general principle, they have to figure out how to practically apply that principle in a way that is effective and makes sense. So, that is also a red flag to me. Another good sign is a willingness to talk about their FEAR. Its the ones who don't talk about being fearful, that concern me. We are ALL FEARFUL, and should be, but when they hide it or pretend it is not there, it becomes a hinderance, IMO.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Another good sign is a willingness to talk about their FEAR. I have not thought about this .... but I will now. Thanks.
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